Don't say something negative about Nan. Or be happy about her death. Ever. I mean it.
Sam and the funeral
Mrs Fortenberry is triyng to get yet another fake-son, instead of apologizing to her real, living child.
Sam is sad because deeeep down, Tommy had a good heart. Probably. He just never did something to prove it existed, but, you know.
Luna, being the mother of the century, brings her kid along to the funeral of the man she slept with accidentally. He treated her like shit, too. ""Who was he, mum?" - "My new boyfriend Sam's brother. You like Sam, don't you, sweetie?" - "Why is the man dead?" - "Your dad murdered him, honey." - "Where is daddy, mum?" - "Sam here and his friend Alcide killed him last night. Don't ask so many questions, Emma!"
Pam
I think this says it all. She's awesome, needs some serious interventions to stop depending on her neglective Anyone-who-threatens-Sookie-must-die maker/idiot. Also, FINALLY someone notices how stupid Sookie's name is. Sookie Stackhouse. Snookie Snackhouse. Snuckly Steakhouse. I mean, really?
I had no idea she kept her powers in her vagina, but if you say so... Guys, use protection!
We finally can end the age-old fight over who killed Jesus:
People have been blaming the Jews for centuries, also the Romans, but it was the crazy old cat lady from Harry Potter. In Laffy's body. Which not only makes him a demon-face-something, but also puts Laffayette's DNA all over the murder weapon and the victim's body. Don't get me wrong, I'll miss Jesus and I will be sorry to see how his words will be misused and misconstrued by powerhungry, soulless people in elections 2000 years from now, but also:
How logical are we gonna get next season? Will there be consequences for ANYTHING? It can't be everything, because that would mean Sam, Alcide, Sookie and Laffayette would go to prison, Eric and Beel would be killed dead by the authority, Tara would definitely die and Russell would just kill everyone else. The end. Actually, throw in some Steve Newfanglin and that doesn't sound too bad!
I'll miss him. Second-best TB boyfriend so far (For the record,Terry is no.1)
Fairy-pussy whipped puppy dogs
We're pretending that Eric and Beel are sweet tender creatures and badass big vampire boys in turns, and it's just a joke. Somehow Laffarnie has managed to tie them to the stake and she (he? this is confusing) doesn't even look hurt. Because when a medium enters a medium and steals his boyfriend's demon face, that's totally empowering enough. Even though Jesus never had that kind of power, which is why we don't get to see this scene. Why are Eric and Beel shirtless? Because shut up! It's True Blood, it's a wonder they're even wearing CLOTHES! Any clothes, really.
Eric: Let's just stand here and bicker over who the better maker is.
Beel: Yeah, let's. Mine is out having sex with her ex-boyfriend's ex-best-friend, your's is being comforted by Ginger.
Eric: We're both pretty great, aren't we?
Beel: Did I tell you today how pretty you are?
Eric: Awww. But you know that there is more to life than being really, really, really riddiculously good-looking, sweetums.
Beel: Just say you love me, too.
Laffarnie: You two are seriously annoying! Do you at least have someone who comes in and yells at you every few episodes?
Eric: I suddenly have an evil plan, using my magical future-prediction powers of when and how a certain person will come back to town!
Beel: Let's have a sleepover later!
Laffarnie: I'm trying to kill you over here! Shut the fuck up!
Burn, bitches! (... And they didn't even compliment him on his pretty robe!)
Then Sookie, Holly and Tara come along, save the day and there's also a very long and stupid scene involving zombie ghosts. Lection of the day: Delluded mass murderers go to heaven, vampires don't. Sookie gets some advice from her dead gran that somehow involves replaying the Bachelorette season finale in Beel's living room. There are no roses, but two puppy dogs vampires in adorable matching bathrobes and pyjamas drink her blood and then she breaks up with both of them and it takes her hours.
Also, does nobody give a shit about how Tara and Holly should deserve kneeling vampires all around them? I mean, those assholes were ready to kill them 24 hours ago and now they've saved their sorry asses. Do we even get a thank-you scene? Nope? Assholes!
Sookie: I love you both! Beel, I forgive you for everything, you had your reasons!
Beel: Ah totally did! Ah mean - Ah just want you to be happy! You're mah fairywonder--- ah mean, mah miracul, Suckeh!
Sookie: Yeah, but you're not getting a rose, we're still donzo.
Beel: It's okay, for the next five minutes it will be mah firm believe that your happiness is the more important factor.
Eric: Yay! I win! Take that, sucker! I rock! This is awesome! I get the fairy... I mean, the relationship! Look, fairy, I mean, Sookie, your ex allowed you to break up with him! This means in TV language that you're free to be my property now! Isn't it grand?
Sookie: Except that I'm pulling a Kelly Taylor here. And now excuse me, I will lose my best friend in a tragic accident while your too busy
murdering your allies to notice anything.
Sookie: *is gone*
Eric: Pillow fight?
Foreplay for what-the-fuck now? Oh, look, puppies! Chewing on a girl! They must be SO in lurrrve!
And while Tara and Sookie prepare to be killed by being too happy that nothing really has happened to them for five minutes and Laffayette is grieving and crazy is coming down heavily on Bon Temps in a way not even Bon Temps will be able to cope, Nan marches in bringing Storm Troopers. You know, the kind that are really dangerous, well-trained, not to mess with. And of course, one more reason to love her: She also brings ominous We're-the-mysteriouspowerful-ones background music with her.
Beel: Hello, lady who I used to be on first-name basis with for almost thirty years. I will now adress you by your last name and grin murderously. For no reason, I'm just in that kind of mood.
Eric: I'm eleven! Also, grinning creepy-murderously. Also for no reason. Eeew, Bill, you invited a GIRL to our sleepover? S'up, helmet-fags?
Nan: I'm not even sorry I interrupted your gross anal foreplay. Let's bring a reality check into the situation
Beel: But... how did she know?
Nan: Here's the deal: I quit the AVL, the authority fired me, but I still could motivate a large percentage of members to rebel. Are you in or are you in? And what's up with the matching pyjamas?
Eric: Don't listen to her, hon! There's no way we could benefit from this! What has the authority ever done against us? They totally love us!
Nan: How about they sentenced both of you to the true death? Northman, that would be the second time this week for you. Actually, I'm supposed to kill you, but I thought you'd like to survive, I need more people to start a revolution...
Beel: What's in it for us?
Nan: Surviving, dumbass! I just said that! Do you ever listen to ANYTHING I say?
Eric: Nope. And no thanks. We're not big on surviving these days. Spontaneous suicide attempts and imaginary wars, maybe pillow fights, but surviving? Uargh!
Nan: I think I'm in the wrong movie. Ok, here's a theory: If you two don't help me, I'll just leave you to it. The next authority member will come
by, kill you, and then fangirls will bawl and somewhere, like for example in Sookie's house, Tinkerbell will die without her protectors. Just so we're clear: I'm not professing my own interest in Sookie, nor am I threatening her per se, I'm just pointing it out.
Beel: But... but... how did she know?
Nan: I'm simply much, much smarter than you. Deal with it, bitches!
Eric: I WILL NOT BE QUESTIONED BY A WOMAN! ALSO I AM A POOR MAN'S VERSION OF RUSSELL EDGINGTON!
Beel: Not me, I just kill all my bosses. Hold still, so nobody will question how our 600 years of age difference don't count, even though you just mentioned them.
Nan: What the fu---
Beel: That was not a tactical mistake at all. She might have been our only possible allie in the authority, but would you rather die or get yelled at all the time?
Eric: We're not gonna die, I have more powerful friends than her.
Beel: Do tell.
Eric: I'm real close with Alan Ball. He likes you, btw.
Beel: Really? I had no idea. Wait, does he know about Sookie?
Here comes the crazy train! Charlie Sheen will be major character of season 5! He will play himself! And will still make more sense than Bill and Eric!
First of all, and I really loved this episode up until Eric and Beel went bonkers AGAIN, Steve Newlin, you guys! My prayers have been answered! Also, Russell! If it wasn't for the last two minutes I'd be actually looking forward to season 5, instead of being depressed and angry about the ending. But here's the best stuff for you guys:
Look at him! SO adorable! So preppy! So totally gay! So happy! And then it got even better:
Love you, Russell! Kill some puppy dogs for me, will you? Thanks.
Let's kill some minorities! All of whom aren't heterosexual! Also, Debbie.
Seriously, what is it with True Blood and bisexual or gay women these season? We had QSA, now Nan and Tara. Add the Mexican gay guy and throw in Debbie so noone will ever notice that the show basically just annihilates all strong women that can't be turned into useless, sobbing whimps over some guy. And Jesus. Seriously, who the fuck said "Let's kill Jesus"? That's some bad karma, right there, dude.
Did Debbie take shooting lessons? Why does she get Tara' s head, in the dark, and in enough slo-mo so Tara can still run through the room and jump before Sookie?
And really, writers, Nan? Really??? You make her suggest my favourite storyline of all times - a situation in which Eric and Beel have no choice but to team up wih her - and then she just gets killed? By Beel of all people? You throw in just how old she is, to waste that entire storyline? You've given us four seasons of Sam, but only vague moments of the potential best character on the show. Because OMG, isn't Sookie more important. Oh, wait, she is. So let's kill of my favourite character, while Sookie loses her best friend, because Bill and Eric are too busy digging their own graves and are therefore "excused" for not running over when Sookie is in panic. And then she'll forgive them, because they "had their reasons". Idiots, alltogether!
Here; how hard would this be: "Sookie's blood is useless for day-walkin for longer than two minutes. Here's a videotape to prove it." Also, why not let Pam join in? She wouldn't murder anyone who wants to save her maker and disses the boys for their creepy Sookie-obsession, she's APPLAUD! And Pam could really use some joy right now! Plus, this kills my second favourite fantasy-plot in which Nan turns Tara in return for Sookie promising to join the fight with her fairy powers. Because it would be so OOC for Eric and Beel to do it, and if you really think about it, Tara and Nan are totally alike: They're both constantly surrounded by idiots, both are the voice of reason but noone gives a shit and both are too good for Bon Temps - so why not let them leave together to possibly return in an uncertaion future? Fuck it, I'd just watch the two of them in their spin-off. Less fairy bullshit!
Let's waste all the best characters, shall we? Just add Jessica and Russell, then I can stop watching this trainwreck!
Also...
Biggest missed opportunity ever, idiot writers!
Like, seriously, how do you not see this... I can't even process this. Really, Alan Ball? Really???