Epsiode 11: The one that makes you want to root against both of Sookie's boyfriends.
Previously on True Blood:
Tommy died, Marnie formed a cult and started bewitching/killing vamps Beel had her in custody and forgot how he could solve this problem with glamour. He only knows how to glamour when it's convenient. Also, Sookie's in love with everyone, they're in love with her and Jason got raped a lot but then immidiately fucked his best friend's gf afterwards, because she gave him blood and also because he has less self-control than a crazy little toddler.
Also, this bullshit:
Don't mentio this to Pam, Eric or Beel. Beel is a politician who doesn't give a shit about politics (he's actually Sarah Palin, whaddyaknow) and Pam and Eric just set in a prison cell all day, holding up a "Keep your greedy Irish hands off my Medicare" sign. Then they went to kill a lot of humans in the middle of a city. Because when getting death threats from someone who's actually powerful enough to deliver, the best way is always to give them MORE reasons to kill you.
Then I banged my head against the desk like sixty times and then I blacked out. I finally get why Nan hates Louisiana so much!
I'm mad at Pam and Jason, no longer
Because even though they were on opposing sites of the whole "Kill/Don't kill Snooki" argument, both The True Blood Situation and Vampirella had a solid point due to the fact that they were using their brains. Also, Pam is fabulous again and Jason is just the sweetest big brother ever! Here you go, just watch it, if you don't believe me:
I rest my case.
I will listen to sad, sad fangirls glorifying Eric/Bill, no longer
They are getting to excrutiantingly annoying levels of annoying-ness. Last episode it was Bill, now Eric has caught up with him.
First of all, why would they not think about anything, ever? They need Pam to coordinate their VAmpire-BAMF team outfits, they need Jason to point out that maybe, just maybe the powerful witch has thought of creating a protection spell. They need Sookie to tell them that you don't kill innocent people (and they don't care, btw, they just stop because SHE is in there). Then they need Pam to stop the bullshittery of the century and don't even thank her.
Hey, I'm sure Beel still has that!
Let's take it step by step. The vampire team has decided that with their combined experience of approximately 1300+ years, the best thing to get rid of a witch would be to insult and trash the only vampire with resources they seem to know (also someone who can request death sentences for everybody - very smart move, Bill!). Next, since the only way to kill someone ever is by causing a giant explosion in a city, kill as many people as possible in the process and cause attention. Also, if you do it in a street full of shops with security cameras, you might aswell just do it in a way that it can be seen from space. What's that, you did that already? Good vampire, very good! You know that since the authority owns Google, they might just have a google earth 24/7 alert for bullshit like this? Ah, who cares, Nan's been free of their childishness for more than 5 minutes, the true death sentences should be signed and sealed already.
Anyway, since Bill is doing this to save vampires, they kill the remaining vampire sheriffs first thing. Luckily Pam stops them to save precious coutury jewelry first. She then takes it home, pets it every three seconds and whispers "my preciousssss", until Ginger calls a Dr. Ludwig and asks her to bring a striaght jacket.
The bullshittery continues: Jason has to give Eric/Beel the big-brother-talk, to prevent them from killing Sookie. Nice one, vampire lovers, really. Aren't we pretending Eric has a decent core and doesn't kill lots of humans if he doesn't have to? Isn't Beel still pining for his humanitay? You're not holding on to it like that, dumbass!
Either way, Marnie brings out Sookie to force Bill and Eric into the stupidest suicide pact ever and since they're bipolar now, they totally do it. In a heartbeat. Wait, do they still have heartbeats? And since when does Eric love Sookie, last week? And didn't Bill sort of stop caring? He didn't seem particularly interested in Sookie ever since season 3.
Anyway, Pam saves us all from having to watch this nonsense unfolding, so as a thank you, Eric yells at her and threatens to kill her. And while Jessica gives Beel a stern talk and house arrest without any sweet blood for the next two weeks, Eric goes mental:
Eric: How dare you endanger Sookie's life, even though you didn't, for your maker! I WOULD NEVER DO THAT EVER!
Jason: Erm, last year you...
Eric: .... ANYMORE! ALSO HOW DARE YOU DISOBEY ME AND MAKE YOUR OWN DECISIONS! GET IN THE KITCHEN WOMAN AND MAKE ME A SANDWICH! RUIN YOUR PUMPS! NO MORE COUTURE FOR YOU!
Pam: Too far, buddy!
Eric: NOW EXCUSE ME I AM PLANNING HOW TO KILL HUMANS THAT ARE NOT SOOKIE HERE BEFORE I GIVE NAN THE SOPHIE ANNE TREATMENT! YOUR NEXT BITCH! GET OUT OF MY EYES! YOU'VE DONE THE WORST! THE WORST, WOMAN!
Team Eric: Yeah, well, she shouldn't have...
Me: Shut up! Just shut up, already!
Moving on. Pam leaves in tears, all heartbroken and shit. She probably won't make it to her mani-pedi either, so f you, Eric!
Jason gets more blood from jess which will no doubt make their relationship more deep and real and not caused by the blood bond at all.
Jesus saves the day. Er, night.
Aren't they dreamy?
Eric rips out the stoner's heart because... you know, he's a viking. This is how he has fun. The Bill shoots Marnie ten times, because one time totally wouldn't kill her. Oh, it would? Well, how's he supposed to know that, he's never been to war or something. Hold on... Then they giggle, high five and start making out.
Somehow this gross violent presentation leads to Sookie exchanging meaningful looks with both Beel and Eric. Because apparently she's not like me - I'd puke at the thought of kissing someone who used a fresh heart as slushie. And a guy who kills a woman and then shoots some more holes into her is clearly a sociopath, so how does she not scream and run already? Can we have Ginger as a main character from now on?
Side note: Eric and Beel only glamour those who want to be glamoured. Because what's the worst that could happen, if you murder someone in front of witnesses and leave them to testify? Oh, right, they could testify. Nevermind.
I will listen to passionate love-triangle-interested fans, no longer
Here's my answer to every argument you could think of, shippers. Deal with it.
If makers don't listen to their progenies they tend to do stupid bullshit. And/or be general assholes.
I'm not gonna names names, but *cough* BillandEric *cough*
In fact, I will give no more attention to ANY love triangles. No longer.
Jason/Jessica - just shut up! You have no business talking about how you'd be in lurrrve (since what, 2 days?) without the blood. Because you haven't shown the slightest bit of attraction to each other BEFORE the blood bond, have you? Morons!
I mean, yay for Jason surviving and all, but way to waste an opportunity of a Jason/Bill or Jason/Eric sex dream in the finale, writers! He'd be so awesomely confused and would probably decide that V turns you into a gay werepanther. You know, like vitamin water, but super gay, not just bisexual. And then he'd think Tara is gay now, too, so they should hook up ASAP. You just know that this it how Jason's mind works.
You people should practice witchcraft no longer
Except for Jesus, Jesus IS magic. It's in the name, people. He awesomely tricks Marnie and unbinds her from Antonia, therefore saving everyone, for which Beel and Eric take the credit, of course. Like everyone couldn't deal with just plain old Marnie and that stoner dude without violent vampires around. Haven't they just made all present people murder-suspects? Great job, really.
But back to Marnie and the craziness. She's all over the place. She kills a girl, then is totally convinced that she didn't mean to do it (So she really IS like Beel. Interesting.) Next up, she goes more and more crazy. Then she is killed. And then she comes back as a spirit. Whose magical powers will a medium-ghost in a medium use, btw?
Marnie might be about ready to get killed off, but she still has her moments.
I will suffer through boring sub-plots, no longer
Alcide, Sam, Luna, Marcus and that annoying little Emma-Sue do shit. Marcus dies, Sam bores me into a coma, Luna somehow lost her kid (how did that happen?)
Debbie/Marcus have shitty useless conversations about how drug-addicts make better moms than teachers and how Alcide totally cheated on Debbie in her head. Because that's the place that counts, just ask any member of Team Eric or Beel. In the end, Alcide rescinds Debbie's invitation or something. It sounds awesome, though. In realitiy, Debbie is just heartbroken, trashy and sobs "They killed my Cooter", over and over again. She doesn't leave Alcide's house, though, because she's not a vampire. But who cares about either one of them? Not me. Maybe Alcide and Sam will go to prison for season 5, Luna will move, Terry will take over Merlotte's and we'll be rid of this bs for good.
Andy is in the woods for no reason, except that they needed to introduce this boring sub-plot: A fucking faerie in one of those cheap princess dresses I hate so much stumbles over him, tells him he's beautiful (that's a sign to get suspicious, right there) then they make up with glwoing microwave fingers and all and Andy believes he performed well in the sac. Because it lasted longer than five minutes, probably.
And to make it even worse, Andy goes home, bores/tortures awesome Arlene with the same story we just had to watch and believes her when she says Holly thinks he's the "cutest law-enforcer around". First of all, I heart you Arlene, but Holly could do WAY better! And she should, she has kids and Andy is a fat, rude drug-addict with a drinking problem who's treated her badly. End of story.
Also, JASON IS A COP, Arlene! No matter what's your type, he's hotter, cuter, smarter and more caring than Andy. I'm gonna take this a step further and say this on behalf of all straight women: Kenya is hotter than Andy. Also, if we're talking "law enforcers", add Portia to that list.
Coming up:
1) I'm confused. This looks like PossessedLaffy burns Eric and Beel at the stake, so what does Nan show up for? Will she just fire them? Oh please, just fire those morons! (They would deserve the True Death, because you get that for stupidity these days, but Jess and Pam have been through enough with that fucking suicide pact already) Make Pam sheriff, re-instate some other king/queen and be done with it. Or just declare Louisiana royalty-free authority-property. But mainly, Pam should be sheriff, because that would mean Nan/Pam scenes. Hey, maybe they van have an affair, or Pam can finally realize that she could put her talents into a career and could need better guidance than a maker who threatens to kill her if she disobeys him once in 150 years.
So cry about!
2) Andy will continue to have a plot, for some reason. So will Sam, Alcide, Terry and a toothpick at Merlotte's. Next seasons main character additions: Scott Foley (Yum!), Terry, Mrs. Fortenberry, Lettie Mae, Arlene's kids. It will center around all the fucking useless creatures who are carrying Jason's and Andy's babies, like Crystal and Faeries and also an angel-troll in the back yard. Pam will barely appear, just so we can glorify Sookie's vampire boyfriend some more and switch between watching them kill/torture and demonstrate unnecessary, stupid violence to pretending one of them is like the sweetest guy ever. Also, Bella Sookie totally doesn't deserve... that asshole guy! (But maybe Snookie does. I'm just saying, it would be twist.)
3) Crystal TOTALLY is pregnant under that little red riding hood.
4) Just kill them and be done with it, Nan. Make it quick, so they don't attack you first. The writers have a weird way of letting Beel and Eric murder everyone in front of witnesses, with evidence and all and then somehow noone knows/cares. It's getting annoying.
5) Sookie, girl: Listen to your brother when he tells you what they actually wanted to do the place before he stopped them. Just get rid of all vamps, move in with Jason and get a life. You're a pretty girl with super powers, Sam doesn't even know someone fired you in his place so you still have job, an awesome brother, a cousin somewhere and great friends. That beats hot mass murderers any wa
6) I was gonna make a Pam/Eric fanmix next, but fuck it. Pam's too good for that shit.
7) I am so done with Eric and Bill in general. Strike one, you bore me. Strike two, you attack Nan. Strike 3, you diss Pam. DONE!