something's up
my stomach has been buggin me for the past month and a half. Almost everyday. I don't know what it is. It is irritating me. I must admit that I am not as happy as I was before july 6th. Iv'e tried to be. Iv'e prayed to be. No results yet. Nothings really actually wrong. Maybe I have disappointed God. Maybe I disappointed myself. It seems like I only feel this way when I am alone. When I surround myself with people I am fine. Yesterday I called mickey. He had is girlfriends mom pick up and tell me that he didnt want to talk to me. He probably assumed I called to bitch him out or something. I sent a couple texts and then he called back. Of course he didnt say anything and talked for a whole minute and a half. Told him that I love him as a person and that it still is going to take some time for me to forgive him, I wish him the best of luck and that maybe in the future we will be ok to talk.
I went to church last night and finally matt our pastor was back from vacation. I cried during worship...matt saw me too and I tried to wipe my face to hide it. I'm just soo thankful that though things arent the best for me that I can still see the light at the end of the tunnel. That life isnt just about me and my feelings. This is just a gray period. It's tough yah kno? To love someone soo much and it comes crashing above you. The things you never thought they would do, they do. Some how, I feel like i deserve this. I mean I hope I dont come off as wanting to get back with mickey because my love for him changed a long time ago...It's just tough excepting that he isnt who I thought he was. But you know...Matt was talking about Jesus forgiving and not condemning people. To just welcome in people no matter what. Forgiveness has got to be the biggest thing I have been faced with this year. I'm learning. It is hard. I just sang my heart out and looked up as if I was staring God in the face. Heal me. Knowing that I can't be forgiven unless I forgive. That includes forgiving myself.
I listened to a cd that mickey bought me as I was cleaning the trunk of my car. Yep, Dashboard confessionals "hands down". I know that even years from now I can look back at this situation and think " wow, I really did truly love him"
With time, maybe i'll learn how to love again.
I'm going to go clean. That seems to be the only thing I can actually control right now.
Its all good guys. It really is.
I dont want anyone to think that I dwell on this all the time. It's just those silent moments you have through out the day when you have time to analyze your feelings. I'm not writing for anyone to feel bad for me or to think anything less of him. I just realized that we all grow at different speeds no matter what age we are. Well at least I know what I do and dont want. I definately need an older man. No more repeats of the past. This shit is gonna stop.
I'm sure some little Scpa kid is going to rant to him about this entry. Oh goodness, the madness never ends. yeah and well, I refuse to quit writing.
So I guess I cant complain.
*smile*
I went to church last night and finally matt our pastor was back from vacation. I cried during worship...matt saw me too and I tried to wipe my face to hide it. I'm just soo thankful that though things arent the best for me that I can still see the light at the end of the tunnel. That life isnt just about me and my feelings. This is just a gray period. It's tough yah kno? To love someone soo much and it comes crashing above you. The things you never thought they would do, they do. Some how, I feel like i deserve this. I mean I hope I dont come off as wanting to get back with mickey because my love for him changed a long time ago...It's just tough excepting that he isnt who I thought he was. But you know...Matt was talking about Jesus forgiving and not condemning people. To just welcome in people no matter what. Forgiveness has got to be the biggest thing I have been faced with this year. I'm learning. It is hard. I just sang my heart out and looked up as if I was staring God in the face. Heal me. Knowing that I can't be forgiven unless I forgive. That includes forgiving myself.
I listened to a cd that mickey bought me as I was cleaning the trunk of my car. Yep, Dashboard confessionals "hands down". I know that even years from now I can look back at this situation and think " wow, I really did truly love him"
With time, maybe i'll learn how to love again.
I'm going to go clean. That seems to be the only thing I can actually control right now.
Its all good guys. It really is.
I dont want anyone to think that I dwell on this all the time. It's just those silent moments you have through out the day when you have time to analyze your feelings. I'm not writing for anyone to feel bad for me or to think anything less of him. I just realized that we all grow at different speeds no matter what age we are. Well at least I know what I do and dont want. I definately need an older man. No more repeats of the past. This shit is gonna stop.
I'm sure some little Scpa kid is going to rant to him about this entry. Oh goodness, the madness never ends. yeah and well, I refuse to quit writing.
So I guess I cant complain.
*smile*