(no subject)
this is what they call lifechanging. I don't quite know how I feel about it yet, only that i regret not having ever said exactly how I feel. But I've always cared and loved, and I think that I have to keep in mind that she loved me, too, and all we had was that. That's all we have now. This has brought us closer together in so many ways, and I feel as though she isn't really gone. I feel she is still here. Being lost in thoughts about her makes me feel good, but talking about her makes me feel like she isn't really that far away. I was talking to Kathryn about it, and she said that it feels like at first the person is on vacation and then comes a day when you realize you're never going to see them again. I don't know when that will actually hit me, but I've sobbed for her and realized that she would not want it that way. I can't imagine she isn't happy; she is the happiest she has ever been. I think I can't accept how it happened or that she was alone, even though another person hurt wouldn't have changed anything, only worsened it. I love her and I can only hope she knows how much. She's my little sister and I want to succeed in everything I do because I know she would have wanted it that way. She was always so proud. I feel it's affected her sisters most, though, and everyone seems to be making this about themselves. It's frustrating and outrageous, really. It seems to me that people cannot help but try and add any drama to their lives regardless of the real affect the situation is having on others. Christ, she isn't really gone, is she? I see her smiling face still, in her pictures and in my mind, and it just can't be.