(no subject)
so its 4am....and couldn't sleep. Lot of stuff has been on my mind lately, and once of the reasons I neglected to post anything. Lately I've been feeling ever so lonely, and lost. Lost to the point as if I don't belong anywhere. Strange I know. Really sucks to be as emotional as I am. Right now I just feel like I don't exist, feel so hopeless. Quite a turn from my earlier entries I know; but I can't exactly help how I feel. Plus the dreams I've been having don't really help either.
I find it funny that my life is so simple, yet so complicated at the same time. How did I get to this point so fast? I feel invisible. Alone. My dreams have been relating to this. Dreams are supposed to give you a break in your everyday life to let lose and everything. But no, my dreams have to go and reflect how I'm feeling in my everyday life. I'm just so alone and feel as if I'm going to be this way until I die. I feel like I have 'something' and I'm the only one in this world that has it. I can't talk to anyone about it as they would not understand.....feel outcasted I guess?
Too bad I don't live alone. Otherwise I'd be an alcoholic, havn't shaved in a long time, living on the side of a mountain far away from society. Yea...too bad.
It's pretty fucked up that the only 'person' that I can talk to is Jill. Yea yea I know. Like I said, the only one I can talk to. Wish I could just snap my fingers and voila, she can appear so I can have a chit-chat whenever I damn well pleased. Sadly, I have to hope for a vivid enough dream where she will appear. I still don't really understand who/what/how she is though. Information on the dream/spirit guides isn't exactly well known knowledge that gets passed around like pepper at the dinner table. I've been looking around and it says they are in fact spirits who share some karmic bond with us. That they have lived as a physical being at some part in their life, but decided not to reincarnate or so forth so they could stay on the spirit plane and help us. That we somehow knew each other in a past life. That they manifest themselves into a form that would be comforting to whoever they approach....which would explain why I was wondering who this person was at first, but then felt comfortable around her since she took on the persona, which she recently has actually dropped and is now 'herself'
So I suppose I can take it that Jill is 'real' in her own sense. They aren't angels but are of a higher power, and no they aren't ghosts. Honestly, I'm not really sure if I believe in reincarnation but whose to say it can't happen? You don't necessarily have to die and come back as someone else. Could come back as anything really. I don't see how people can even doubt it as nobody has died and come back and tell everyone how its like...
So with that being said, and if I did know Jill from my 'past life' then it would explain a few things. Most of all how I feel like I know her somehow, and how she genuinely knows me for who I am. Don't know and honestly don't really care if I once knew her, but I know we do have a bond.
The Spirit Guide.
This is usually a person you knew in a past life. Or it might be a Power Animal.
Someone who is on the same spiritual level as yourself. This soul helps you with
your higher purpose or mission in this embodiment. The karmic issues, the spiritual lessons,
the gifts and talents you brought from the past into this life and so on.
Their main purpose is to help you evolve your soul during this incarnation and to learn and
grow.
Thats what all the sites pretty much say. It makes sense, her being on my spiritual level and all. And her helping me with my 'purpose' whatever it may be. She's still hush hush about stuff like that, and honestly I don't think she really knows much about it. I supposedly chose her, and she chose me...and its 'now what'
I'm sure we'll figure something out. I do really believe she is a spirit of some sort. At first I was thinking she was probably just some part of my subconscious....but then the more I got to know her and all I started to think otherwise. She really does have a mind of her own. She does and says stuff I never even knew about. Words I never heard. Just stuff that I never came across in my life, so therefore theres nothing tucked away in the back of my subconscious that could have registered years ago that would just now come up if you understand. She's her own person, her own voice, her own mind.
I do understand that if I was just a person who has stumbled across this journal and read all these entries that it was just some farfetched bunch of crap....but it's not. However strange it may seem, its ultimately real. Oddly enough though, I'm not the least bit scared or surprised. I have no idea why....
Realizing that sometimes when you dream theres this girl in there....who is real...and talks to you, listens to you, comforts you, brings you to strange places...and gives you something to write about. I suppose you can see I feel honored and privileged to have experienced this, as I know hardly few ever have.
Anyways I'm off to bed its 5am now and past my bed time, should be able to sleep now that some time has gone by and gave me some more stuff to think about. So fucking sad the only place I feel happy and dont feel alone is in my damn dreams. Pathetic.
I find it funny that my life is so simple, yet so complicated at the same time. How did I get to this point so fast? I feel invisible. Alone. My dreams have been relating to this. Dreams are supposed to give you a break in your everyday life to let lose and everything. But no, my dreams have to go and reflect how I'm feeling in my everyday life. I'm just so alone and feel as if I'm going to be this way until I die. I feel like I have 'something' and I'm the only one in this world that has it. I can't talk to anyone about it as they would not understand.....feel outcasted I guess?
Too bad I don't live alone. Otherwise I'd be an alcoholic, havn't shaved in a long time, living on the side of a mountain far away from society. Yea...too bad.
It's pretty fucked up that the only 'person' that I can talk to is Jill. Yea yea I know. Like I said, the only one I can talk to. Wish I could just snap my fingers and voila, she can appear so I can have a chit-chat whenever I damn well pleased. Sadly, I have to hope for a vivid enough dream where she will appear. I still don't really understand who/what/how she is though. Information on the dream/spirit guides isn't exactly well known knowledge that gets passed around like pepper at the dinner table. I've been looking around and it says they are in fact spirits who share some karmic bond with us. That they have lived as a physical being at some part in their life, but decided not to reincarnate or so forth so they could stay on the spirit plane and help us. That we somehow knew each other in a past life. That they manifest themselves into a form that would be comforting to whoever they approach....which would explain why I was wondering who this person was at first, but then felt comfortable around her since she took on the persona, which she recently has actually dropped and is now 'herself'
So I suppose I can take it that Jill is 'real' in her own sense. They aren't angels but are of a higher power, and no they aren't ghosts. Honestly, I'm not really sure if I believe in reincarnation but whose to say it can't happen? You don't necessarily have to die and come back as someone else. Could come back as anything really. I don't see how people can even doubt it as nobody has died and come back and tell everyone how its like...
So with that being said, and if I did know Jill from my 'past life' then it would explain a few things. Most of all how I feel like I know her somehow, and how she genuinely knows me for who I am. Don't know and honestly don't really care if I once knew her, but I know we do have a bond.
The Spirit Guide.
This is usually a person you knew in a past life. Or it might be a Power Animal.
Someone who is on the same spiritual level as yourself. This soul helps you with
your higher purpose or mission in this embodiment. The karmic issues, the spiritual lessons,
the gifts and talents you brought from the past into this life and so on.
Their main purpose is to help you evolve your soul during this incarnation and to learn and
grow.
Thats what all the sites pretty much say. It makes sense, her being on my spiritual level and all. And her helping me with my 'purpose' whatever it may be. She's still hush hush about stuff like that, and honestly I don't think she really knows much about it. I supposedly chose her, and she chose me...and its 'now what'
I'm sure we'll figure something out. I do really believe she is a spirit of some sort. At first I was thinking she was probably just some part of my subconscious....but then the more I got to know her and all I started to think otherwise. She really does have a mind of her own. She does and says stuff I never even knew about. Words I never heard. Just stuff that I never came across in my life, so therefore theres nothing tucked away in the back of my subconscious that could have registered years ago that would just now come up if you understand. She's her own person, her own voice, her own mind.
I do understand that if I was just a person who has stumbled across this journal and read all these entries that it was just some farfetched bunch of crap....but it's not. However strange it may seem, its ultimately real. Oddly enough though, I'm not the least bit scared or surprised. I have no idea why....
Realizing that sometimes when you dream theres this girl in there....who is real...and talks to you, listens to you, comforts you, brings you to strange places...and gives you something to write about. I suppose you can see I feel honored and privileged to have experienced this, as I know hardly few ever have.
Anyways I'm off to bed its 5am now and past my bed time, should be able to sleep now that some time has gone by and gave me some more stuff to think about. So fucking sad the only place I feel happy and dont feel alone is in my damn dreams. Pathetic.