(no subject)
So since I seem to have opened myself up to me more susceptible I think dreams might be a recurring thing for me now. Maybe nothing like the park/party/angel one, but hey it's a dream and they can be interesting.
So last night I had a dream, don't really remember much of it.
But I was in this like, huge friggin house and this took place mostly in the GIANT kitchen. It was like 4 rooms, but it was one big kitchen. With lots of islands in the middle, cupboards along the edges, windows. Couches around the 'outside' edge of the kitchens boundaries. Weird if you think about it...Kitchen with couches...it's like a nice ass chill spot lol.
I'm sitting here trying to remember more details since I don't have any at the moment. But there was this chick named Jill. She had auburnish hair. Ya know, like reddish brown with some light natural blonde highlights. Golden eyes, just like mine used to be years ago. Yea, I remember when I cried, my eyes would get really bright, and the gold really shone through. Even to this day I have golden amber eyes as my eye color if you look close enough. Peeps always brush them off as brown or hazel. No....
You have my pupil so thats 'black' like everyone elses. Then there is like a starburst around that of a orangish-brown. Then my eye color itself is a dark yellow. So you have the starburst going through the yellow. Then I have a dark green edging to my eyes. Now it's the same just darker, therefore looking 'brown' like I'm full of shit or something.
But yea, she had beautiful eyes. I'd know. Eyes are always the thing I look for when I speak to people. But this chick was....uhhhh....I have no idea.
I just remember I was laying over the arm of the couch, like leaning back on it, and she was leaning on top of me, face to face, smiling, as if she was toying with me about something. I just remember being cocky and full of it when I spoke to her. Like we were really close friends or something, or we've dated in the past, or we want each other but don't want to commit. It was one of those kind of feelings. We felt pretty close. When she was in my face I told her that 'if you are going to be in my face, might as well do something about it.'
So she asks me if i want to step up, I tell her I'll drop her in a second. She of course informs me I can't even hurt a fly.
"Try me"
So she just smiles, still in my face, then gives me a hug and tells me we have to go.
I obviously knew where we were going at the time since it was my dream and all. But now I don't know since i don't really remember. I remember it was cold outside, and the big ass building with the massive kitchen seemed like it was a resort or something. But there was nobody there in the kitchen but us.
OOOOOO I remember, I was feeling sick so she took me to the kitchen so she could make me a dessert to make me feel better. No bake cheesecake!
Jill. Jill Mc something so I'm guessing she was Irish/Scottish. Actually I don't even know if her last name was Mc something. I just remember her showing me like a sign outside some house that said 'mc something' and 'courtland' or 'cortland'
Hmmm. Theres a Cortland in NY. Sign looked like maybe it was for real estate? Wasn't your usual real estate sign though. Hmm....but when she said we had to go, I guess this is where we were going.
I remember her showing me the sign, then I'm like "NO FUCKING WAY," so shes like 'UH-HUH!!!"
So she tells me "Lets go inside!"
So I follow her in. Maybe she just bought this house? Maybe it was our house? Room mates? Lovers? Partners in something? No freaking clue. All I know is her name, how she looked, pieces of that sign, and the house. It was chiiilllllly outside so its either winter here in florida, or out of state(like cortland, ny?)
The more I think about it, the more I feel like she was my best friend. I feel like I've been there for her in some rough ass times of her life, and because of that our friendship grew to be pretty big. Which accounts for the playfulness when she was up in my grill, how she made me the dessert to make me feel better, and showing me the house that got me and her both excited. I hate only having pieces of a puzzle and trying to figure it out...ok so I lied, I like puzzles. I'm highly intellectual and love the challenge. Just think, more pathways open up, more pieces are revealed.
But who's this Jill? I don't know anyone named Jill...hmm
But that reminds me. Doing all my angelic research the past few days I came across a website where people can tell their stories about them and an angel. There was this one chick who kept dreaming about this guy. Always in her dreams for a long time. He started out as a teenager in her dreams, and as she grew older, so did he. Then one day she gets a job, and right after that this guy joined her work too. The guy thats been in her dreams. Said his name was Jean-Pierre. Said they grew to have a really nice relationship(not going out or anything) and then one day she got laid off, and so did he. After that she never saw him again. The guy in her dreams actually became real. She went into detail at just how much she knew the guy in her dreams was Jean-Pierre and believes that that guy was her guardian angel. She said she stopped dreaming about him, but every now and then she would, and then something bad would happen. She thought it was a curse at first, but realized he was keeping her strength up.
Soooo Maybe Jill is my angel? Maybe I'll be out somewhere and meet a chick...who looks just like the Jill from my dream....I'll freak out. She'll be chatting me up and shit and I'm just going to be like...staring at her in awe. But if it really was her, she'd know why i was staring. Then again, if she was her, and i was staring, she'd know and then it would be cool.
Then I get sick and end up at the giant kitchen, then I get deja vu....and be like....Wow....
Watch...just watch.....
I really hope I meet her, then I'll have one hell of an experience.
But yea...I had like, shoulder length hair at the time. Seems like it's been that long for a while. Not to mention my working out payed off, since I was pretty big. But I did something to my hair...It wasn't all poofy n shit like it was now, it was nice and straight, and fell straight down. Kinda like Bradd Pitt's hair in troy. That texture and length. I liked it. Long hair...buff...me? Yea lol sounds like a new me. My hair is starting to get long now as is, and since I've been working out I'm actually getting pec's for once and my abs are starting to take better shape. Just gotta stay on it.
But thinking about my other dream, and this dream with Jill...trying to see if I can't put the 2 together.
Like what if these dream sequences are what I can expect in the coming months and years? When I was looking in the mirror my hair was somewhat longer than it is now, and i was getting some kind of strength to go and do something. Then I'm at some kind of banquet of sorts, feeling really good about myself, not to mention I was pretty outgoing which is unlike me. Always the introvert but even though I don't really come into contact with people right now...I feel myself starting to shine. At the store and someone looks at me I'll look back and smile. Or just ask how they are doing. Or act like a dumbass and vroom vroom around with the shopping cart, hit someones cart, and be like 'aww i'm sorry, hope you have insurance' then they look at me like im retarded.
Lol do I care? Fuck no why should I? I used to act like that all the time. Ever since I was a little kid. I stopped being like that from like...being 20 till now? So 5 years of being 'meh'
Then the rose petal/angel sequence of my dream. As I found out in the earlier post that order the rose petals fell signified like a growing relationship. Starting out as friends, then growing stronger and more trusting, then the whole 'i need you' and 'believe me' part. Then the full blown romance...
Then the angel holding me, kissing me, brushing my hair making me feel loved, opening me up to whatever those images that flashed through my mind were..staring deep into my eyes, parting with a whisper in the air and a kiss on the cheek.
Picking a daisy and smiling, still having the tears of happiness flowing down...to stand up and look at the endless field of chrysanthemums...
Was she telling me this will happen with "Jill"?
As I said before this is a good ways down the road. The feeling I got from Jill was that of a more budding friendship, past the 'friend' marker and moreso towards the 'we need each other' part of the friendship. I came to that conclusion just for the fact that we felt very close, and how she kept hugging and holding onto me, as if she's trying to get as much out of me as she can to keep her satisfied until we finally expressed our feelings for each other. But to have what seemed one hell of a fucking friendship to grow into being an actual couple could ruin everything, right? But then again, the feeling I got from her reassured me it would be perfectly fine, and I guess that field(country rather) of daisies also reassures me of that...
But yea at least I'm not alone with the angels. I was asking my bro if he remembered his dream so I could look it up. He mentioned a few things, so i looked them up and he's like...that has no meaning to me. So I told him to think of anything else, even if it was a paperclip. So he did, and he was like 'holy crap it makes sense now' Then he asked me to look up angels, cuz he told me he had a dream about an angel when he was like 10, then he started to laugh. So I just looked at him and said 'why are you laughing'
I dunno....then I told him about the angel in my dream. Then I told him about how she kissed me and surprisingly he didnt laugh at all, which is unlike him. I was like 'but why did she kiss me'?
So he's like 'would you rather a guy do it? HAHA"
lol no...
so he tells me she was probably expressing her love for me. I mentioned that when she kissed me i had all those images in my head, he said those images were probably my life. So who knows? Strange coming from him to be honest, almost scary. Maybe my angel had him say those things to me? Even after he said those things I looked at him and hes like 'hey dont ask'
So hmmm....You know they say you can't really see angels....since they are of purest light. The only way to see them is if they vibrate at your frequency. And the wings aren't wings, thats their aura which is mistaken as wings.... but if you ever see an angel as clear as I saw mine, you'll see the 'wings' people talk about...
Cuz from afar I just saw a like....shadow of light, that was pretty big, but as she got closer and when I opened my eyes after she kissed me I saw her plain as day. She was humanoid. All her features were white like the light, but I could clearly make out what she looked like perfectly. So I can't say oh she had red hair. Her hair was radiant, just say glowing white. Her 'wings' were massive. Each wing had to be like....10feet? so like a 20 foot wingspan....so yea. And since the 'wings' are their aura....and i said how big that aura was...you can see just how beautiful that aura could be. Warm touch....God she was just so....perfect. Completely flawless. Like seriously, take love, put it into a being, and tada, angel.
I did try and talk to my guardian last night, do some meditation while listening to music. Trying to find out her name, yet I never got a response but 'Selorah' kept coming to my mind. Yea it's out there and all, not a typical name like bob or anything so I suppose it fits. I read that angels don't have names. When they speak you know who it is, so a name isn't needed. But if you are to call on them by name, they will provide you with one. So I'll take Selorah. In my opinion, a very beautiful, and very fitting, name for her.
I'm going to make talking to her a thing to do every night, until the day I die. She always responds, you just have to be quick and catch what she says. I have a feeling that she did kiss me because she loves me. That the love I have given to people is actually an extension of her very being....So I guess I'm such a hopeless romantic sweetheart because of her...hmmm, not sure if that's really a blessing or a curse, seeing as what its done for me. I wear my heart on my sleeve, I go head over heals in a heartbeat. I can see how she can be feeding me this love now that I think about it. Angels being all pure and such, and my love does feel very pure and flawless. Once I'm in a relationship, im locked in completely. Purely devoted, won't even as much as look at another woman and I'll never cheat. Ever. So really, I've never met another guy(and I've met A LOT) who has never cheated, let alone looked. They live by that stupid 'just cuz im on a diet doesn't mean i can't look at the menu' crap.
So yea....what makes me so full of love if it isnt for Selorah? After this 'connection' with her I'm starting to see things differently. I'm looking at life completely different. My whole life(yea its such a long life, 25 haha) I've been seeing things in 'that' way, but now I'm starting to see it 'this way.' For once in my life im able to accept myself for who I am, and not shove off comments and be modest. 'You're such a great guy' and my response has always been 'yea yea if you say so' because I never understood why they'd say that.
Not anymore. If an angel is willing to come down and visit me for a pretty decent amount of time in my dream, to hold me, and kiss me, and make me feel soo much love, and show me all these signs, then I must really be a great guy ya know?
Crying to God to give me some sign to let me know why I've always felt second best. Why I always feel like I'm only there to help someone when they need me, and when I need them, they aren't there. Why my friends always use me for rides or steal my shit to pawn it, yet I don't mind. Why must I be so forgiving, so loving. Why do friends want me to hang with them just so I can help them break the ice because of my personality? To feed off me? Why am I this catalyst? Yes, I am crying right now writing this out....Why do I love someone still? It's been soooo fucking long and I should feel stupid for still loving her. She broke my heart, and I never was able to find all the pieces. Yet I don't feel stupid. I still love her. I forgive her.
Crying this....to God....and He sends me my angel that night...Showing me why I do what I do. She let me know how other people have felt about me. They way she brushed my hair.....is that the feeling I give when I brush anothers hair? That passionate kiss she gave to me....is that how it feels when I kiss someone? The look she gave me, staring into my eyes...Is that the feeling she gave me at that moment, the feeling I give out? The way she held me.....the energy she gave off....is that the energy others feel? I'm going to say yes. And if it's true, I can only imagine how it must be like to actually know me. Be my friend. To be my lover. I was with Selorah for just a fragment of time, and the people in my life have been there much longer. I'll admit, I long to be experience that love with Selorah again. Is that why people feel like they feed off me? Two people in my life have both told me that I could have any woman in the world, once they got to know me as it would be easy for them to fall for me. I believe it now. Never did when they said it. Of course after they both said it, same words came out of their mouths 'but why me'
No, why ME? If anyone want's to thank me for being such a good guy, go ahead and thank Selorah. Or let me know, and I'll let her know you appreciate what she's done for me.
Few entries ago I mentioned how I asked God to sacrifice myself to come back as like, an angel to watch over a certain someone. What if it already happened? Not the watching over someone, but me being an angel? I'm not talking like full blown Selorah look, cuz she really has it goin on.....but just for the fact that my love seems to be so heavenly? I wonder.....if I'm loving on someone....kissing them, holding them, parting their hair, wiping and kissing their tears away, if they notice any sort of extra presence? Is there an aura around me when they look up into my eyes after the kiss? Guess I'll never know. I always liked the quote 'im no angel, but i have spread my wings a bit'
Guess thats fitting right now. But yea....Selorah....what she did for me...to help me realize a lot of things. To get the opportunity to go head on with the reason on why I am who I am. It's like God told me to 'go here, to this location, next to the field of daisies, at this time in your dream, and you'll have your answers'
So I did, and I got some answers(at least it REALLY feels like the answers)
This whole time I've been wanting someone to be there for me. She's been there the whole time. She told me that night 'I'll always be here' and I know she will never leave me.
I was just too blind to realize it until now. If I ever have questions on anything, I'm going to ask her. I wouldn't want to ask anyone else. She knows me all too well. It's like her visit gave me a second chance at life.....to sit there for years and wonder why I'm always the one getting hurt or fucked over, to finally have my answers. I'm happy with them. I don't regret anything, and I wouldn't take back anything. All the pain I went through? I'll keep it. If I never went through it, I wouldn't be where I'm at today. I wouldn't have been able to meet Selorah face to face. I'm here on this Earth because I have the ability to do what I do. I can give sooo much love to those around me. I brighten peoples days when they feel down. I enter peoples lives, make them happy, then I leave their life for whatever reason it may be. May it be a breakup, they decide to stop talking to me, they turn into an alcoholic...just whatever it may be. For whatever short amount of time I was in their life, I made it a better one. To be chosen for this 'job' seems as if I'm doing God's work. So what if it is God's work? He picked me for the part. He gave me Selorah. I had no control over this. Sure I hated it, but don't we always hate things we don't know?
If anyone ever calls me an angel in disguise, I'll acknowledge it. Selorah IS a part of me. And as I mentioned earlier it has to be her love that shines through me, since I've yet to meet anyone with the ability to love so blindly. Maybe the best qualities of a person are actually the quality of their guardian? Mine just so happens to be love. I sure am glad its love. Just for the fact of seeing love as a physical entity...just sooooooooooo beautiful. I can't get over it...really I never will. I wonder if she's blushing right now lol
Haha, yea....ahhh. I guess she helped me write my list of 56 personal qualities I find in myself last week. Wake up one day and decide to make this list lol. Yea..me...Mr. Modesty. Modest is on the list too. Along with humility, candor, integrity, and of course; loving. It was odd too, I just got a sticky note, and started writing words down, some of which I didn't even know what they meant. Wrote them down anyways. Looked them up and yea, it was a quality of mine. So like I said, Selorah helped me out there. Like candor....really?
But really, I just can't get over how much this experience has changed me and awakened me. I can accept everything for how it is now. I'm turning back into the really lovable person that I was years ago when I was like 15-20. Not sure why I stopped being that way at 20. Could possibly have something to do with my relationship at the time, but I'm not going to question it. Like I said I wouldn't take back or change anything. Sure she's back in my life again. If she stops talking to me again am I going to get heartbroken? Nope. If you asked me that last week I'd probably say yes. I won't lie. I don't lie. Another quality of mine. Am I going to stop loving her? Nah. I hope that whatever choices and decisions she makes in her life are not in vain. She deserves the best, for her and her son. God keeps bringing us back into each others lives. I understand why now. She knows me, God knows what I can do. I already covered what I can do and why I'm here, doing "Gods work". I won't question it anymore and hey, I'm perfectly fine with it. Everything happens for a reason right? I don't feel used anymore. I feel blessed. God sees shes in need of something, and pushes her in my direction, knowing I can give her what she needs. If she needs a man in her life and it turns out its not me, I don't mind anymore. It used to devastate me hearing that her boyfriend did this, or did that, and how it hurt her. Devastating for the fact that I know I would never cause her that pain, and the fact that she knew this too. But yes, it's still devastating for me to see her in pain. That I could give her all this love and everything. I can probably do more for her by just being her friend. Last few times I saw her it felt like she was holding back, like she wanted to do or tell me something. She never did. I know this because a piece of her resides in me, and I reside in her. It doesn't matter, really. Even if we never date again, she still needs to realize I'm still here when she needs someone to talk to or needs a hug. I was blessed enough to have entered her life in the first place, and even more-so to be able to have had such a meaningful relationship with her. Consider it finally 'letting go.' I just don't want her to stop talking to me just because she feels as if shes going to hurt me or something. I'd appreciate the action, but it's not needed anymore. I have more strength than I need right now and I'd love to pass it around.
I love helping her, so I really don't mind. Makes me feel like a better person, so its a win win situation now. Whatever path she chooses is the path she was destined to take. Nothing can ever change that. If for some reason I can't be there for her, to be friend whos shoulder she can cry on.... I pray there is someone else to take my place. We all need a shoulder to cry on every now and then.
So till the end of days, I'm going to be walking with my head held high, with giant 10 foot wings sprouting from my back, bolstering a brilliant aura.
That is, after all, who I am.
So last night I had a dream, don't really remember much of it.
But I was in this like, huge friggin house and this took place mostly in the GIANT kitchen. It was like 4 rooms, but it was one big kitchen. With lots of islands in the middle, cupboards along the edges, windows. Couches around the 'outside' edge of the kitchens boundaries. Weird if you think about it...Kitchen with couches...it's like a nice ass chill spot lol.
I'm sitting here trying to remember more details since I don't have any at the moment. But there was this chick named Jill. She had auburnish hair. Ya know, like reddish brown with some light natural blonde highlights. Golden eyes, just like mine used to be years ago. Yea, I remember when I cried, my eyes would get really bright, and the gold really shone through. Even to this day I have golden amber eyes as my eye color if you look close enough. Peeps always brush them off as brown or hazel. No....
You have my pupil so thats 'black' like everyone elses. Then there is like a starburst around that of a orangish-brown. Then my eye color itself is a dark yellow. So you have the starburst going through the yellow. Then I have a dark green edging to my eyes. Now it's the same just darker, therefore looking 'brown' like I'm full of shit or something.
But yea, she had beautiful eyes. I'd know. Eyes are always the thing I look for when I speak to people. But this chick was....uhhhh....I have no idea.
I just remember I was laying over the arm of the couch, like leaning back on it, and she was leaning on top of me, face to face, smiling, as if she was toying with me about something. I just remember being cocky and full of it when I spoke to her. Like we were really close friends or something, or we've dated in the past, or we want each other but don't want to commit. It was one of those kind of feelings. We felt pretty close. When she was in my face I told her that 'if you are going to be in my face, might as well do something about it.'
So she asks me if i want to step up, I tell her I'll drop her in a second. She of course informs me I can't even hurt a fly.
"Try me"
So she just smiles, still in my face, then gives me a hug and tells me we have to go.
I obviously knew where we were going at the time since it was my dream and all. But now I don't know since i don't really remember. I remember it was cold outside, and the big ass building with the massive kitchen seemed like it was a resort or something. But there was nobody there in the kitchen but us.
OOOOOO I remember, I was feeling sick so she took me to the kitchen so she could make me a dessert to make me feel better. No bake cheesecake!
Jill. Jill Mc something so I'm guessing she was Irish/Scottish. Actually I don't even know if her last name was Mc something. I just remember her showing me like a sign outside some house that said 'mc something' and 'courtland' or 'cortland'
Hmmm. Theres a Cortland in NY. Sign looked like maybe it was for real estate? Wasn't your usual real estate sign though. Hmm....but when she said we had to go, I guess this is where we were going.
I remember her showing me the sign, then I'm like "NO FUCKING WAY," so shes like 'UH-HUH!!!"
So she tells me "Lets go inside!"
So I follow her in. Maybe she just bought this house? Maybe it was our house? Room mates? Lovers? Partners in something? No freaking clue. All I know is her name, how she looked, pieces of that sign, and the house. It was chiiilllllly outside so its either winter here in florida, or out of state(like cortland, ny?)
The more I think about it, the more I feel like she was my best friend. I feel like I've been there for her in some rough ass times of her life, and because of that our friendship grew to be pretty big. Which accounts for the playfulness when she was up in my grill, how she made me the dessert to make me feel better, and showing me the house that got me and her both excited. I hate only having pieces of a puzzle and trying to figure it out...ok so I lied, I like puzzles. I'm highly intellectual and love the challenge. Just think, more pathways open up, more pieces are revealed.
But who's this Jill? I don't know anyone named Jill...hmm
But that reminds me. Doing all my angelic research the past few days I came across a website where people can tell their stories about them and an angel. There was this one chick who kept dreaming about this guy. Always in her dreams for a long time. He started out as a teenager in her dreams, and as she grew older, so did he. Then one day she gets a job, and right after that this guy joined her work too. The guy thats been in her dreams. Said his name was Jean-Pierre. Said they grew to have a really nice relationship(not going out or anything) and then one day she got laid off, and so did he. After that she never saw him again. The guy in her dreams actually became real. She went into detail at just how much she knew the guy in her dreams was Jean-Pierre and believes that that guy was her guardian angel. She said she stopped dreaming about him, but every now and then she would, and then something bad would happen. She thought it was a curse at first, but realized he was keeping her strength up.
Soooo Maybe Jill is my angel? Maybe I'll be out somewhere and meet a chick...who looks just like the Jill from my dream....I'll freak out. She'll be chatting me up and shit and I'm just going to be like...staring at her in awe. But if it really was her, she'd know why i was staring. Then again, if she was her, and i was staring, she'd know and then it would be cool.
Then I get sick and end up at the giant kitchen, then I get deja vu....and be like....Wow....
Watch...just watch.....
I really hope I meet her, then I'll have one hell of an experience.
But yea...I had like, shoulder length hair at the time. Seems like it's been that long for a while. Not to mention my working out payed off, since I was pretty big. But I did something to my hair...It wasn't all poofy n shit like it was now, it was nice and straight, and fell straight down. Kinda like Bradd Pitt's hair in troy. That texture and length. I liked it. Long hair...buff...me? Yea lol sounds like a new me. My hair is starting to get long now as is, and since I've been working out I'm actually getting pec's for once and my abs are starting to take better shape. Just gotta stay on it.
But thinking about my other dream, and this dream with Jill...trying to see if I can't put the 2 together.
Like what if these dream sequences are what I can expect in the coming months and years? When I was looking in the mirror my hair was somewhat longer than it is now, and i was getting some kind of strength to go and do something. Then I'm at some kind of banquet of sorts, feeling really good about myself, not to mention I was pretty outgoing which is unlike me. Always the introvert but even though I don't really come into contact with people right now...I feel myself starting to shine. At the store and someone looks at me I'll look back and smile. Or just ask how they are doing. Or act like a dumbass and vroom vroom around with the shopping cart, hit someones cart, and be like 'aww i'm sorry, hope you have insurance' then they look at me like im retarded.
Lol do I care? Fuck no why should I? I used to act like that all the time. Ever since I was a little kid. I stopped being like that from like...being 20 till now? So 5 years of being 'meh'
Then the rose petal/angel sequence of my dream. As I found out in the earlier post that order the rose petals fell signified like a growing relationship. Starting out as friends, then growing stronger and more trusting, then the whole 'i need you' and 'believe me' part. Then the full blown romance...
Then the angel holding me, kissing me, brushing my hair making me feel loved, opening me up to whatever those images that flashed through my mind were..staring deep into my eyes, parting with a whisper in the air and a kiss on the cheek.
Picking a daisy and smiling, still having the tears of happiness flowing down...to stand up and look at the endless field of chrysanthemums...
Was she telling me this will happen with "Jill"?
As I said before this is a good ways down the road. The feeling I got from Jill was that of a more budding friendship, past the 'friend' marker and moreso towards the 'we need each other' part of the friendship. I came to that conclusion just for the fact that we felt very close, and how she kept hugging and holding onto me, as if she's trying to get as much out of me as she can to keep her satisfied until we finally expressed our feelings for each other. But to have what seemed one hell of a fucking friendship to grow into being an actual couple could ruin everything, right? But then again, the feeling I got from her reassured me it would be perfectly fine, and I guess that field(country rather) of daisies also reassures me of that...
But yea at least I'm not alone with the angels. I was asking my bro if he remembered his dream so I could look it up. He mentioned a few things, so i looked them up and he's like...that has no meaning to me. So I told him to think of anything else, even if it was a paperclip. So he did, and he was like 'holy crap it makes sense now' Then he asked me to look up angels, cuz he told me he had a dream about an angel when he was like 10, then he started to laugh. So I just looked at him and said 'why are you laughing'
I dunno....then I told him about the angel in my dream. Then I told him about how she kissed me and surprisingly he didnt laugh at all, which is unlike him. I was like 'but why did she kiss me'?
So he's like 'would you rather a guy do it? HAHA"
lol no...
so he tells me she was probably expressing her love for me. I mentioned that when she kissed me i had all those images in my head, he said those images were probably my life. So who knows? Strange coming from him to be honest, almost scary. Maybe my angel had him say those things to me? Even after he said those things I looked at him and hes like 'hey dont ask'
So hmmm....You know they say you can't really see angels....since they are of purest light. The only way to see them is if they vibrate at your frequency. And the wings aren't wings, thats their aura which is mistaken as wings.... but if you ever see an angel as clear as I saw mine, you'll see the 'wings' people talk about...
Cuz from afar I just saw a like....shadow of light, that was pretty big, but as she got closer and when I opened my eyes after she kissed me I saw her plain as day. She was humanoid. All her features were white like the light, but I could clearly make out what she looked like perfectly. So I can't say oh she had red hair. Her hair was radiant, just say glowing white. Her 'wings' were massive. Each wing had to be like....10feet? so like a 20 foot wingspan....so yea. And since the 'wings' are their aura....and i said how big that aura was...you can see just how beautiful that aura could be. Warm touch....God she was just so....perfect. Completely flawless. Like seriously, take love, put it into a being, and tada, angel.
I did try and talk to my guardian last night, do some meditation while listening to music. Trying to find out her name, yet I never got a response but 'Selorah' kept coming to my mind. Yea it's out there and all, not a typical name like bob or anything so I suppose it fits. I read that angels don't have names. When they speak you know who it is, so a name isn't needed. But if you are to call on them by name, they will provide you with one. So I'll take Selorah. In my opinion, a very beautiful, and very fitting, name for her.
I'm going to make talking to her a thing to do every night, until the day I die. She always responds, you just have to be quick and catch what she says. I have a feeling that she did kiss me because she loves me. That the love I have given to people is actually an extension of her very being....So I guess I'm such a hopeless romantic sweetheart because of her...hmmm, not sure if that's really a blessing or a curse, seeing as what its done for me. I wear my heart on my sleeve, I go head over heals in a heartbeat. I can see how she can be feeding me this love now that I think about it. Angels being all pure and such, and my love does feel very pure and flawless. Once I'm in a relationship, im locked in completely. Purely devoted, won't even as much as look at another woman and I'll never cheat. Ever. So really, I've never met another guy(and I've met A LOT) who has never cheated, let alone looked. They live by that stupid 'just cuz im on a diet doesn't mean i can't look at the menu' crap.
So yea....what makes me so full of love if it isnt for Selorah? After this 'connection' with her I'm starting to see things differently. I'm looking at life completely different. My whole life(yea its such a long life, 25 haha) I've been seeing things in 'that' way, but now I'm starting to see it 'this way.' For once in my life im able to accept myself for who I am, and not shove off comments and be modest. 'You're such a great guy' and my response has always been 'yea yea if you say so' because I never understood why they'd say that.
Not anymore. If an angel is willing to come down and visit me for a pretty decent amount of time in my dream, to hold me, and kiss me, and make me feel soo much love, and show me all these signs, then I must really be a great guy ya know?
Crying to God to give me some sign to let me know why I've always felt second best. Why I always feel like I'm only there to help someone when they need me, and when I need them, they aren't there. Why my friends always use me for rides or steal my shit to pawn it, yet I don't mind. Why must I be so forgiving, so loving. Why do friends want me to hang with them just so I can help them break the ice because of my personality? To feed off me? Why am I this catalyst? Yes, I am crying right now writing this out....Why do I love someone still? It's been soooo fucking long and I should feel stupid for still loving her. She broke my heart, and I never was able to find all the pieces. Yet I don't feel stupid. I still love her. I forgive her.
Crying this....to God....and He sends me my angel that night...Showing me why I do what I do. She let me know how other people have felt about me. They way she brushed my hair.....is that the feeling I give when I brush anothers hair? That passionate kiss she gave to me....is that how it feels when I kiss someone? The look she gave me, staring into my eyes...Is that the feeling she gave me at that moment, the feeling I give out? The way she held me.....the energy she gave off....is that the energy others feel? I'm going to say yes. And if it's true, I can only imagine how it must be like to actually know me. Be my friend. To be my lover. I was with Selorah for just a fragment of time, and the people in my life have been there much longer. I'll admit, I long to be experience that love with Selorah again. Is that why people feel like they feed off me? Two people in my life have both told me that I could have any woman in the world, once they got to know me as it would be easy for them to fall for me. I believe it now. Never did when they said it. Of course after they both said it, same words came out of their mouths 'but why me'
No, why ME? If anyone want's to thank me for being such a good guy, go ahead and thank Selorah. Or let me know, and I'll let her know you appreciate what she's done for me.
Few entries ago I mentioned how I asked God to sacrifice myself to come back as like, an angel to watch over a certain someone. What if it already happened? Not the watching over someone, but me being an angel? I'm not talking like full blown Selorah look, cuz she really has it goin on.....but just for the fact that my love seems to be so heavenly? I wonder.....if I'm loving on someone....kissing them, holding them, parting their hair, wiping and kissing their tears away, if they notice any sort of extra presence? Is there an aura around me when they look up into my eyes after the kiss? Guess I'll never know. I always liked the quote 'im no angel, but i have spread my wings a bit'
Guess thats fitting right now. But yea....Selorah....what she did for me...to help me realize a lot of things. To get the opportunity to go head on with the reason on why I am who I am. It's like God told me to 'go here, to this location, next to the field of daisies, at this time in your dream, and you'll have your answers'
So I did, and I got some answers(at least it REALLY feels like the answers)
This whole time I've been wanting someone to be there for me. She's been there the whole time. She told me that night 'I'll always be here' and I know she will never leave me.
I was just too blind to realize it until now. If I ever have questions on anything, I'm going to ask her. I wouldn't want to ask anyone else. She knows me all too well. It's like her visit gave me a second chance at life.....to sit there for years and wonder why I'm always the one getting hurt or fucked over, to finally have my answers. I'm happy with them. I don't regret anything, and I wouldn't take back anything. All the pain I went through? I'll keep it. If I never went through it, I wouldn't be where I'm at today. I wouldn't have been able to meet Selorah face to face. I'm here on this Earth because I have the ability to do what I do. I can give sooo much love to those around me. I brighten peoples days when they feel down. I enter peoples lives, make them happy, then I leave their life for whatever reason it may be. May it be a breakup, they decide to stop talking to me, they turn into an alcoholic...just whatever it may be. For whatever short amount of time I was in their life, I made it a better one. To be chosen for this 'job' seems as if I'm doing God's work. So what if it is God's work? He picked me for the part. He gave me Selorah. I had no control over this. Sure I hated it, but don't we always hate things we don't know?
If anyone ever calls me an angel in disguise, I'll acknowledge it. Selorah IS a part of me. And as I mentioned earlier it has to be her love that shines through me, since I've yet to meet anyone with the ability to love so blindly. Maybe the best qualities of a person are actually the quality of their guardian? Mine just so happens to be love. I sure am glad its love. Just for the fact of seeing love as a physical entity...just sooooooooooo beautiful. I can't get over it...really I never will. I wonder if she's blushing right now lol
Haha, yea....ahhh. I guess she helped me write my list of 56 personal qualities I find in myself last week. Wake up one day and decide to make this list lol. Yea..me...Mr. Modesty. Modest is on the list too. Along with humility, candor, integrity, and of course; loving. It was odd too, I just got a sticky note, and started writing words down, some of which I didn't even know what they meant. Wrote them down anyways. Looked them up and yea, it was a quality of mine. So like I said, Selorah helped me out there. Like candor....really?
But really, I just can't get over how much this experience has changed me and awakened me. I can accept everything for how it is now. I'm turning back into the really lovable person that I was years ago when I was like 15-20. Not sure why I stopped being that way at 20. Could possibly have something to do with my relationship at the time, but I'm not going to question it. Like I said I wouldn't take back or change anything. Sure she's back in my life again. If she stops talking to me again am I going to get heartbroken? Nope. If you asked me that last week I'd probably say yes. I won't lie. I don't lie. Another quality of mine. Am I going to stop loving her? Nah. I hope that whatever choices and decisions she makes in her life are not in vain. She deserves the best, for her and her son. God keeps bringing us back into each others lives. I understand why now. She knows me, God knows what I can do. I already covered what I can do and why I'm here, doing "Gods work". I won't question it anymore and hey, I'm perfectly fine with it. Everything happens for a reason right? I don't feel used anymore. I feel blessed. God sees shes in need of something, and pushes her in my direction, knowing I can give her what she needs. If she needs a man in her life and it turns out its not me, I don't mind anymore. It used to devastate me hearing that her boyfriend did this, or did that, and how it hurt her. Devastating for the fact that I know I would never cause her that pain, and the fact that she knew this too. But yes, it's still devastating for me to see her in pain. That I could give her all this love and everything. I can probably do more for her by just being her friend. Last few times I saw her it felt like she was holding back, like she wanted to do or tell me something. She never did. I know this because a piece of her resides in me, and I reside in her. It doesn't matter, really. Even if we never date again, she still needs to realize I'm still here when she needs someone to talk to or needs a hug. I was blessed enough to have entered her life in the first place, and even more-so to be able to have had such a meaningful relationship with her. Consider it finally 'letting go.' I just don't want her to stop talking to me just because she feels as if shes going to hurt me or something. I'd appreciate the action, but it's not needed anymore. I have more strength than I need right now and I'd love to pass it around.
I love helping her, so I really don't mind. Makes me feel like a better person, so its a win win situation now. Whatever path she chooses is the path she was destined to take. Nothing can ever change that. If for some reason I can't be there for her, to be friend whos shoulder she can cry on.... I pray there is someone else to take my place. We all need a shoulder to cry on every now and then.
So till the end of days, I'm going to be walking with my head held high, with giant 10 foot wings sprouting from my back, bolstering a brilliant aura.
That is, after all, who I am.