(no subject)
Second oh so fucking wonderful poem of the fucking day
If only it would end tonight
being played like a fool
take a knife and slash my wrists
and watch the blood pool
I question why my rifle had jammed
twice out on the range
What did God have in store for me
As he put me on his stage?
As I put the barrel to my chin
I eagerly awaited death
Pulled the trigger and heard a click
A coldness in my chest
Did it again to my surprise
Round trapped in the chamber
Another echo of a click
I felt like such a failure
Two attempts to end my life
None of which succeeded
Why did He keep me here?
Where was I needed?
I thought I knew
But now its unclear
This pain in my chest
Is unbearable to hear
So true are my feelings
Cryptic like a riddle
Why do I feel so
Played like a fiddle?
Yea yea, suicidal poem. Baccaract me..No. It's what happened when I tried to kill myself. Rifle jammed on me twice...yea, twice. At the range in basic training, its firing perfectly fine right...So I put it under my chin and squeeze the trigger...click
wtf, so i of course rethought it out.....decided to do it again. Took the round that jammed out of the chamber, put a new one in....
click.....
so what do i do? aim it down range and fire at a target. Yes, it fucking fired. Tell me this. When a gun jams. Thats it, its jammed. you HAVE TO TAKE THE ROUND OUT in order to proceed with normal firing operations. If its jammed its not firing at all. So how does my jammed round fire down range....after it fired and spit out the shell casing..the casing was all beat to hell so it shouldn't have fired...but it did...
So there I am feeling all like 'holy crap wtf just happened...2 jams in a row with a miraculous refire off the second jam..' so i look to the sky and say 'why...'
I'm on his stage. Lost and confused. Spotlight shining right in my face. I can hear things but I can't see since I'm blinded by the spotlight...(this is all metaphorically speaking, I was never standing on some stage owned by God)
So yes I'm cranky, fucking light right in my face. Nobody is answering me on why I'm still here. So I'm stuck here...and any more suicide attempts down the road would be pointless since He probably won't let it happen yet again. WHY. I'm not asking why because I wan't to do it again. I'm asking why because I want to know why I'm still here. I guarantee anyone who hears about my escapade with the rifle will say 'God has plans for you.'
Really? You know this, yet I can't get answers as to why? So I go on living what little life i had with everything falling out from underneath me. So I always kept questioning....and the thing that kept coming to my mind was her. Really? She's been gone for years. So my reason of staying alive is for her....and she's not even here.....boy did that make me laugh. Being played a fool by God? I still question why divine intervention
played its part..Is it really because of her? Who just recently came back to my life? Finding a note on my windshield last year in like august. Oddly enough as soon as I saw the note laying there, I knew exactly who it was from. As I reached for it, I looked up to the sky and said "really?" Does He like tossing her in my life to play with me? Or is he using divine intervention to bring us together? For not saying a word He has a lot to say doesn't he?
Whenever something happens she comes to me. I try and make her feel better. All the while longing for her to be mine once more. Is this the reasoning of God? I give her the love she deserves yet I feel broken. Was a curse placed upon me for what I have done? Anyways...
I feel as if I'm just there to fulfill some desire of hers...I have no idea what she wants with me. She knows how I feel yet I have no clue how she feels about me. I'm too afraid to send her an IM or something, let alone call her. She'd just think I'm some love obsessed fool and begone with me once again. I mean, I had such a fucking pain in my heart when I get a reply to my message of 'hope you had a great day' that was 'yea i got my whole licked'
Imagine how that made me feel? So she comes on like right after i read it, so once i see her name my heart sank so fucking deep in me...i'm crying just remembering that feeling...and she tells me that her friend hacked her account and sent messages to everyone. Why the fuck would someone say that anyways? Then she thanked me for talking to her...then kept saying she had to go. Then later she says she had her friend over there for a lil bit. What does my heart have to go and do? It had to think on its fucking own. Saying it wasn't hacked since he was right there and had access to the computer, and she had to go in a hurry cuz he was there. And the whole 'hole licked' message sent probably by him? Yea. Way to go heart. Way to fucking go. I keep telling myself its just alllllll made up which it probably is. But of course not, I have to sit here and debate with my heart? I mean really? Why does my heart always have some sort of ruling over me regardless of knowing the truth? So yea, I broke my own fucking heart. I mean we aren't even dating so like...wtf. I sit here and laugh about it as i cry. I yell at God on why I need to be this way. Why did I become this person? I mean really..
I want some God damned fucking answers! Why am I still in love with her? More so than before? Why have I thought about her every fucking day since the day I met her? Thats a long fucking time...lets see, we started dating march 10th of '03...its july 15 of '10, so say 7 years, 4 months, 5 days....rounding up and averaging out leap year and months with 31 days....2682 days, go ahead and throw in 2 more weeks since we talked n shit for 2 weeks before officially dating. and yea, i still remember it like it was yesterday. best day of my life. bell rang for class, outside the back doors cuz its lunch time and im chillin, friend told me to wait a minute so im like k. Chris this is Kristin, Kristin this is Chris. she likes you. aww really? guess i'm supposed to give you a hug now........
Sorry, some time just passed between this line and last, as I sit here literally bawling my eyes out thinking about that day, and about her, for the 2696th straight day. If i had a flower for every time I thought of you, i could walk eternally in my garden. And it's one big garden.....now I understand why guys throughout history made monuments to the love of their life. Whether they married them and lived happily ever after, or got their hearts shattered. Look at the Taj Mahal, built for his love who died in childbirth. It was her tomb, and now he lay beside her in eternal rest. It's just so beautiful.
My 'thought' garden is where i run away to think. To reminisce of feelings past, that still linger with me every day....it's a very beautiful garden, full of grandeur and splendor alike...but nothing in comparison to her beauty...I really wish there was just some way to like..show her my true feelings for her...to take a piece out of me and let her hold it. even if i somehow managed to tell her she'd probably just run away and stop talking to me again. these feelings are astronomical. nobody in this universe had, or ever will have, as much love for this woman as i do. I'm serious. I'll bet any fucking thing. Just name it. Yea....tell her that and she's gone. poof in flash of smoke, so i'm standing there not knowing what to do. know what i'd do though? hold onto the smoke as its the last thing i'll ever have of her =(
Know what I used to ask God a few years ago? A few years back when I havn't even heard from her in any form or fashion? Now remember shes been 'out of my life' for probably about 2 years at this point...I'd ask God....to let me sacrifice myself so I could come back as her guardian angel. So I can at least watch over her and make sure nothing happens to her...once again i'm crying. Who else out there would sit there, crying out to the Lord begging him to take you...to give up everything else on this earth....so you can have the ability to watch over the one you love forever. So whenever she was feeling sad and started to cry, I could come and just wrap my arms around her and hold her ever so close....she of course wouldn't be able to see me...she'd just remember the feeling of what its like to be loved and be happy for the rest of the day until I was 'needed' once more. I'd be her courage in the dark, the angels tear in the falling rain, the breath softly blowing in her ear in the howling wind...
I sometimes wonder if God did let me sacrifice myself. Well, part of me. And put that into her heart....so whenever she needed to be held, she'd automatically remember what its like to be in my arms...or if i felt the urge to go out and look to the stars...if she was also out there looking up along with me unbeknownst to both of us....I'll probably never know.
....but God, my offer still stands to this day. If she's ever in pain, let me be her angel.
If only it would end tonight
being played like a fool
take a knife and slash my wrists
and watch the blood pool
I question why my rifle had jammed
twice out on the range
What did God have in store for me
As he put me on his stage?
As I put the barrel to my chin
I eagerly awaited death
Pulled the trigger and heard a click
A coldness in my chest
Did it again to my surprise
Round trapped in the chamber
Another echo of a click
I felt like such a failure
Two attempts to end my life
None of which succeeded
Why did He keep me here?
Where was I needed?
I thought I knew
But now its unclear
This pain in my chest
Is unbearable to hear
So true are my feelings
Cryptic like a riddle
Why do I feel so
Played like a fiddle?
Yea yea, suicidal poem. Baccaract me..No. It's what happened when I tried to kill myself. Rifle jammed on me twice...yea, twice. At the range in basic training, its firing perfectly fine right...So I put it under my chin and squeeze the trigger...click
wtf, so i of course rethought it out.....decided to do it again. Took the round that jammed out of the chamber, put a new one in....
click.....
so what do i do? aim it down range and fire at a target. Yes, it fucking fired. Tell me this. When a gun jams. Thats it, its jammed. you HAVE TO TAKE THE ROUND OUT in order to proceed with normal firing operations. If its jammed its not firing at all. So how does my jammed round fire down range....after it fired and spit out the shell casing..the casing was all beat to hell so it shouldn't have fired...but it did...
So there I am feeling all like 'holy crap wtf just happened...2 jams in a row with a miraculous refire off the second jam..' so i look to the sky and say 'why...'
I'm on his stage. Lost and confused. Spotlight shining right in my face. I can hear things but I can't see since I'm blinded by the spotlight...(this is all metaphorically speaking, I was never standing on some stage owned by God)
So yes I'm cranky, fucking light right in my face. Nobody is answering me on why I'm still here. So I'm stuck here...and any more suicide attempts down the road would be pointless since He probably won't let it happen yet again. WHY. I'm not asking why because I wan't to do it again. I'm asking why because I want to know why I'm still here. I guarantee anyone who hears about my escapade with the rifle will say 'God has plans for you.'
Really? You know this, yet I can't get answers as to why? So I go on living what little life i had with everything falling out from underneath me. So I always kept questioning....and the thing that kept coming to my mind was her. Really? She's been gone for years. So my reason of staying alive is for her....and she's not even here.....boy did that make me laugh. Being played a fool by God? I still question why divine intervention
played its part..Is it really because of her? Who just recently came back to my life? Finding a note on my windshield last year in like august. Oddly enough as soon as I saw the note laying there, I knew exactly who it was from. As I reached for it, I looked up to the sky and said "really?" Does He like tossing her in my life to play with me? Or is he using divine intervention to bring us together? For not saying a word He has a lot to say doesn't he?
Whenever something happens she comes to me. I try and make her feel better. All the while longing for her to be mine once more. Is this the reasoning of God? I give her the love she deserves yet I feel broken. Was a curse placed upon me for what I have done? Anyways...
I feel as if I'm just there to fulfill some desire of hers...I have no idea what she wants with me. She knows how I feel yet I have no clue how she feels about me. I'm too afraid to send her an IM or something, let alone call her. She'd just think I'm some love obsessed fool and begone with me once again. I mean, I had such a fucking pain in my heart when I get a reply to my message of 'hope you had a great day' that was 'yea i got my whole licked'
Imagine how that made me feel? So she comes on like right after i read it, so once i see her name my heart sank so fucking deep in me...i'm crying just remembering that feeling...and she tells me that her friend hacked her account and sent messages to everyone. Why the fuck would someone say that anyways? Then she thanked me for talking to her...then kept saying she had to go. Then later she says she had her friend over there for a lil bit. What does my heart have to go and do? It had to think on its fucking own. Saying it wasn't hacked since he was right there and had access to the computer, and she had to go in a hurry cuz he was there. And the whole 'hole licked' message sent probably by him? Yea. Way to go heart. Way to fucking go. I keep telling myself its just alllllll made up which it probably is. But of course not, I have to sit here and debate with my heart? I mean really? Why does my heart always have some sort of ruling over me regardless of knowing the truth? So yea, I broke my own fucking heart. I mean we aren't even dating so like...wtf. I sit here and laugh about it as i cry. I yell at God on why I need to be this way. Why did I become this person? I mean really..
I want some God damned fucking answers! Why am I still in love with her? More so than before? Why have I thought about her every fucking day since the day I met her? Thats a long fucking time...lets see, we started dating march 10th of '03...its july 15 of '10, so say 7 years, 4 months, 5 days....rounding up and averaging out leap year and months with 31 days....2682 days, go ahead and throw in 2 more weeks since we talked n shit for 2 weeks before officially dating. and yea, i still remember it like it was yesterday. best day of my life. bell rang for class, outside the back doors cuz its lunch time and im chillin, friend told me to wait a minute so im like k. Chris this is Kristin, Kristin this is Chris. she likes you. aww really? guess i'm supposed to give you a hug now........
Sorry, some time just passed between this line and last, as I sit here literally bawling my eyes out thinking about that day, and about her, for the 2696th straight day. If i had a flower for every time I thought of you, i could walk eternally in my garden. And it's one big garden.....now I understand why guys throughout history made monuments to the love of their life. Whether they married them and lived happily ever after, or got their hearts shattered. Look at the Taj Mahal, built for his love who died in childbirth. It was her tomb, and now he lay beside her in eternal rest. It's just so beautiful.
My 'thought' garden is where i run away to think. To reminisce of feelings past, that still linger with me every day....it's a very beautiful garden, full of grandeur and splendor alike...but nothing in comparison to her beauty...I really wish there was just some way to like..show her my true feelings for her...to take a piece out of me and let her hold it. even if i somehow managed to tell her she'd probably just run away and stop talking to me again. these feelings are astronomical. nobody in this universe had, or ever will have, as much love for this woman as i do. I'm serious. I'll bet any fucking thing. Just name it. Yea....tell her that and she's gone. poof in flash of smoke, so i'm standing there not knowing what to do. know what i'd do though? hold onto the smoke as its the last thing i'll ever have of her =(
Know what I used to ask God a few years ago? A few years back when I havn't even heard from her in any form or fashion? Now remember shes been 'out of my life' for probably about 2 years at this point...I'd ask God....to let me sacrifice myself so I could come back as her guardian angel. So I can at least watch over her and make sure nothing happens to her...once again i'm crying. Who else out there would sit there, crying out to the Lord begging him to take you...to give up everything else on this earth....so you can have the ability to watch over the one you love forever. So whenever she was feeling sad and started to cry, I could come and just wrap my arms around her and hold her ever so close....she of course wouldn't be able to see me...she'd just remember the feeling of what its like to be loved and be happy for the rest of the day until I was 'needed' once more. I'd be her courage in the dark, the angels tear in the falling rain, the breath softly blowing in her ear in the howling wind...
I sometimes wonder if God did let me sacrifice myself. Well, part of me. And put that into her heart....so whenever she needed to be held, she'd automatically remember what its like to be in my arms...or if i felt the urge to go out and look to the stars...if she was also out there looking up along with me unbeknownst to both of us....I'll probably never know.
....but God, my offer still stands to this day. If she's ever in pain, let me be her angel.