six month stasis
You know what makes me mad? Why i hated the idea of her from the beginning? It's because you never would admit that you liked her, and even when I forced you to admit it, you felt guilty about it and wouldn't accept it as part of yourself. For all your highfalutin ideals about polyamory, there was something holding you back from being truthful to yourself about your feelings.
And when you lied to yourself you lied to me by extension.
I could sense your guilt and your struggle and your difficulty with all this, and that is why i said no. Because it was tearing you apart even before you took an action.
Of course, I also said no because in the end, you did choose her over me. And that was what i was always afraid of. In every decision, I could see that you would choose another girl over me. Why? because it was easier, and you cast no illusions about what your choices would be between the easy and the hard. I wanted things, actions, commitment, acts of love. she didn't demand those things. sarah actively did not want those things. i wanted them with all my heart, and wheedled, cried, did them on my own, did them for you, and still... words and words and words.
Wasn't it enough that I gave up the place I loved for you? The job I wanted with all my heart? The stability of a good doctor and a creative community? Wasn't any of it proof enough that I loved you?
You pushed me to be friends with Dan, to be more than friends, and when that blew up in our faces, I once again CHOSE YOU. At every turn, at every impasse, at all times, I thought of you. Even before you knew that I liked you, I was happy for you, I supported you in the decisions you made. I hoped that Elin was everything you wanted and needed in life. I loved you with a love that was so pure it was unselfish.
But now? Now all i want is someone to make you see, with absolutely clarity, what you've lost BY YOUR OWN CHOICE. I want you to see that your inaction, your insecurity, all your fears played out exactly as you doom and gloom predicted because you couldn't get off your ass and do the hard work. You still won't. You know exactly what you need to do, and you don't do it. Why? because you are afraid of failing. Because you are afraid that it will be HARD.
Tough. Shit. Life ain't easy kid, and you know it down in your bones that you're avoiding it. You think that by saying that it's okay to love anyone at anytime that you will be protected from hurt and loss. That way you don't have to face the disappointment of any one person. But you know it's bullshit and that more people means more chance of loss and heartache and that's why you don't even try to find more people. You think you can bury yourself in your moment by moment emotion and avoid thinking about who it is you want to be and how you're going to get there.
You liked me because I gave you even more of that escape. I took away the hard work of you having to find someone who would be there when the dust settled and you'd figured yourself out. But I got tired of waiting for you to admit these things to yourself. You kept putting it off and in doing so HURTING ME. Because I wasn't there to be there at that time, i was there as a placeholder, as a person for when it was all over and said and done and you wanted someone to come home and hold you and tell you happy nice things. I was a safety blanket and nothing more.
So I see you and you're still making the same mistakes, over and over again. And you're bewildered and tired and a workaholic so you don't have to think about it. You fall into the same patterns and make the same excuses, all the while believing that somehow the path is going to change. And I don't feel bad about my decision to leave, because I see that my presence or absence makes no difference. I made no difference. I make no difference.
If giving everything up for love is a gamble that I took, then I lost. I could blame chance but instead i blame myself and love.
I don't hate you, I hate that I love you. I hate the fact that even though you haven't changed and I should feel justified in all my decisions, I still love you. I can't stop loving you.
I hate the fact that if i could, in a blink, in a moment, i would turn back time to erase it all.
what a stupid, naive gamble.
And when you lied to yourself you lied to me by extension.
I could sense your guilt and your struggle and your difficulty with all this, and that is why i said no. Because it was tearing you apart even before you took an action.
Of course, I also said no because in the end, you did choose her over me. And that was what i was always afraid of. In every decision, I could see that you would choose another girl over me. Why? because it was easier, and you cast no illusions about what your choices would be between the easy and the hard. I wanted things, actions, commitment, acts of love. she didn't demand those things. sarah actively did not want those things. i wanted them with all my heart, and wheedled, cried, did them on my own, did them for you, and still... words and words and words.
Wasn't it enough that I gave up the place I loved for you? The job I wanted with all my heart? The stability of a good doctor and a creative community? Wasn't any of it proof enough that I loved you?
You pushed me to be friends with Dan, to be more than friends, and when that blew up in our faces, I once again CHOSE YOU. At every turn, at every impasse, at all times, I thought of you. Even before you knew that I liked you, I was happy for you, I supported you in the decisions you made. I hoped that Elin was everything you wanted and needed in life. I loved you with a love that was so pure it was unselfish.
But now? Now all i want is someone to make you see, with absolutely clarity, what you've lost BY YOUR OWN CHOICE. I want you to see that your inaction, your insecurity, all your fears played out exactly as you doom and gloom predicted because you couldn't get off your ass and do the hard work. You still won't. You know exactly what you need to do, and you don't do it. Why? because you are afraid of failing. Because you are afraid that it will be HARD.
Tough. Shit. Life ain't easy kid, and you know it down in your bones that you're avoiding it. You think that by saying that it's okay to love anyone at anytime that you will be protected from hurt and loss. That way you don't have to face the disappointment of any one person. But you know it's bullshit and that more people means more chance of loss and heartache and that's why you don't even try to find more people. You think you can bury yourself in your moment by moment emotion and avoid thinking about who it is you want to be and how you're going to get there.
You liked me because I gave you even more of that escape. I took away the hard work of you having to find someone who would be there when the dust settled and you'd figured yourself out. But I got tired of waiting for you to admit these things to yourself. You kept putting it off and in doing so HURTING ME. Because I wasn't there to be there at that time, i was there as a placeholder, as a person for when it was all over and said and done and you wanted someone to come home and hold you and tell you happy nice things. I was a safety blanket and nothing more.
So I see you and you're still making the same mistakes, over and over again. And you're bewildered and tired and a workaholic so you don't have to think about it. You fall into the same patterns and make the same excuses, all the while believing that somehow the path is going to change. And I don't feel bad about my decision to leave, because I see that my presence or absence makes no difference. I made no difference. I make no difference.
If giving everything up for love is a gamble that I took, then I lost. I could blame chance but instead i blame myself and love.
I don't hate you, I hate that I love you. I hate the fact that even though you haven't changed and I should feel justified in all my decisions, I still love you. I can't stop loving you.
I hate the fact that if i could, in a blink, in a moment, i would turn back time to erase it all.
what a stupid, naive gamble.