everything that i can't say and more
i've been having a really nice time since moving back to california. it's funny, because i'm not really busy but i feel like i am, probably because i actually have a social life here. yes, me, social life.
i know, horrifying, isn't it?
and i still haven't even gotten in contact with some of the people that i should poke, because i do miss them even if it's very possible that they haven't changed at all or have changed a lot.
i am involved with jason, i'm his girlfriend. he's introduced me to his good friend dan, who desired to participate in threesomes/foursomes out of curiousity. dan's a great, geeky guy who is RIDICULOUSLY nervous. as in, he probably needs medication i've never met someone who is so tense.
jason, being the kind of guy he is, has us playing strip poker pretty soon after i've met dan. the next night, he gets dan to participate in having sexy fun with us. jason's pretty wiped out though, working 12 hr days normally and starting to work 16 hr days more regularly. so he asks me if i want to have sex, and suggests having sex with dan. dan is totally desirous of this (i'm hot, what can i say?) and we have very nice sex.
after this, dan and i hang out a bit more in the next couple of evenings, because he's bored and has free time and lives close by and i'm bored and have free time too, and jason is working tons. dan and i quickly realize we need a better understanding of what exactly we are. friends? sex buddies? when we play video games together, can i give him a kiss? should i? what are the rules for this kind of thing? i don't know about other people, but i need some sort of idea of what boundaries are in relationships. especially when i'm already in one that is being called boyfriend/girlfriend. dan is amazingly on the same page. saturday night we finally sit down and have it out over IM what we want our situation to be. i realize that for me, i can't be having sex with someone i don't care about.
so lookit me, i'm suddenly poly.
not something i was intending.
i'm not dan's girlfriend nor is he my boyfriend, by any means. that's not something either of us are interested in attempting to negotiate. but hell, we're having sex and also being friends, and not knowing when what's going to happen because if we're not [insert relationship status here] we don't have a say about what we can and can't do. jason is not there all the time, to give encouragement or permission, and he's the pivotal part of our interaction since he brought us together, ostensibly with the intention of enjoying threesomes and foursomes. but what do you do the rest of the time, then? not talk? it's difficult to balance, the when is it okay to do what dance. the, who do we need to ask permission to do this... because stopping to ask makes it in some ways so much less sexy. don't you agree?
we had a long, long discussion saturday night about this, jason and i, dan and jason, dan and i... jason is very worried about me making this decision, to be involved with dan, because by his definition, i am poly, a course of action i've been very bent on avoiding. something that i've only had the strength to be okay with writing down now. but i think that i'm okay, because i'm checking in with myself and i don't feel overwhelmed. conflicted? sometimes. but not overwhelmed.
i find myself much more comfortable knowing that it's my choice as to whether or not i can kiss dan, not something that is determined by jason's presence and/or his whim. i think i chafe a bit at the idea of being that... restricted.
at the same time, i spent last night (after folsom, another story completely) with dan (jason stayed with sarah and kristin) and we had a wonderful time. watched him play his hell's highway game, a fascinating WWII strategy shooter game, where you are sometimes a single player and sometimes supported by multiple teams of various sizes and abilities. and then we went to bed and had sex. at some point in time, either last night or this morning, dan made a comment to the effect of "if i get too attached to you, i'll just cut it off"
which worries me to no end. i don't think i'd do well to a sudden cutting off. i have feelings too.
i'm really uncertain about things now.
i know, horrifying, isn't it?
and i still haven't even gotten in contact with some of the people that i should poke, because i do miss them even if it's very possible that they haven't changed at all or have changed a lot.
i am involved with jason, i'm his girlfriend. he's introduced me to his good friend dan, who desired to participate in threesomes/foursomes out of curiousity. dan's a great, geeky guy who is RIDICULOUSLY nervous. as in, he probably needs medication i've never met someone who is so tense.
jason, being the kind of guy he is, has us playing strip poker pretty soon after i've met dan. the next night, he gets dan to participate in having sexy fun with us. jason's pretty wiped out though, working 12 hr days normally and starting to work 16 hr days more regularly. so he asks me if i want to have sex, and suggests having sex with dan. dan is totally desirous of this (i'm hot, what can i say?) and we have very nice sex.
after this, dan and i hang out a bit more in the next couple of evenings, because he's bored and has free time and lives close by and i'm bored and have free time too, and jason is working tons. dan and i quickly realize we need a better understanding of what exactly we are. friends? sex buddies? when we play video games together, can i give him a kiss? should i? what are the rules for this kind of thing? i don't know about other people, but i need some sort of idea of what boundaries are in relationships. especially when i'm already in one that is being called boyfriend/girlfriend. dan is amazingly on the same page. saturday night we finally sit down and have it out over IM what we want our situation to be. i realize that for me, i can't be having sex with someone i don't care about.
so lookit me, i'm suddenly poly.
not something i was intending.
i'm not dan's girlfriend nor is he my boyfriend, by any means. that's not something either of us are interested in attempting to negotiate. but hell, we're having sex and also being friends, and not knowing when what's going to happen because if we're not [insert relationship status here] we don't have a say about what we can and can't do. jason is not there all the time, to give encouragement or permission, and he's the pivotal part of our interaction since he brought us together, ostensibly with the intention of enjoying threesomes and foursomes. but what do you do the rest of the time, then? not talk? it's difficult to balance, the when is it okay to do what dance. the, who do we need to ask permission to do this... because stopping to ask makes it in some ways so much less sexy. don't you agree?
we had a long, long discussion saturday night about this, jason and i, dan and jason, dan and i... jason is very worried about me making this decision, to be involved with dan, because by his definition, i am poly, a course of action i've been very bent on avoiding. something that i've only had the strength to be okay with writing down now. but i think that i'm okay, because i'm checking in with myself and i don't feel overwhelmed. conflicted? sometimes. but not overwhelmed.
i find myself much more comfortable knowing that it's my choice as to whether or not i can kiss dan, not something that is determined by jason's presence and/or his whim. i think i chafe a bit at the idea of being that... restricted.
at the same time, i spent last night (after folsom, another story completely) with dan (jason stayed with sarah and kristin) and we had a wonderful time. watched him play his hell's highway game, a fascinating WWII strategy shooter game, where you are sometimes a single player and sometimes supported by multiple teams of various sizes and abilities. and then we went to bed and had sex. at some point in time, either last night or this morning, dan made a comment to the effect of "if i get too attached to you, i'll just cut it off"
which worries me to no end. i don't think i'd do well to a sudden cutting off. i have feelings too.
i'm really uncertain about things now.