mindfulness
i was about to go to bed when lil_usako zoomed me on the IM and we started talking.
and i have come even more fully to the realization that i have some pretty intense abandonment/love issues.
it doesn't seem to matter how much someone reassures me that i'm loveable, or desired, or anything like that. i still can't shake that nagging doubt in my mind, that persistent voice that tells me that they will leave me anyway. my constant pattern of leaving first, so that i can pretend like i'm not the one who's hurt.
i hated my little brother when he was born, because i didn't get any attention anymore. after five years of being the cute one, i was now the nobody. i stole his teddy bear and made it my own.
when i was six i lost my best friend. we fought about something stupid, but i missed her ever afterwards.
when i was ten, my older brother stopped playing with me. no more turtles saving barbie, even if she was twice the size of the shredder. no more dance and singing competitions, playing catch in the house, or talking to each other at night.
when i was twelve, my dad lost his job, and i lost him. no longer the man who came home joking about monkey suits and talking about trains. he became despondent, then angry. angry all the time.
when i was thirteen, my mom started working, because someone had to bring in money. i spent my afternoons wandering through my house, unable to commit suicide because someone had to watch my little brother, right? (my older brother was off at high school in a town that was a 20 minute train ride away, plus the bus from school to the train station and from the train station home). i lost all respect for my dad when he started taking out his anger on my little brother. i lost hope in my older brother and my mother when they didn't try to stop him. i did, and he probably thought me to be an angsty little pissant.
when i was fourteen, a male classmate of mine felt me up on a school trip. i told my mom, and she said there was nothing she could do about it.
sometime in highschool, my mentor moved away. we no longer communicated by email constantly, nor did we see each other anymore (two to three times a month when i was in 7th & 8th grade, probably every other month or so after that).
when i was fifteen, i dated my first guy. and broke up with him, despite the height of our romance.
when i was sixteen, i lost the first person who ever told me that i deserved to be loved, that he loved me unconditionally. i tried to kill myself.
when i was seventeen, i fell head over heels with a guy. really, truly, fell for him. we broke up after two months. he couldn't see that being grounded constantly really hurt our chances of ever being together. i lost lil_usako to college, but she still came and visited :)
at eighteen, i left the town that had been my home my entire life. i lost my very good physics professor, who gave me an email but never responded to anything i tried to write to him. i lost contact with most of my friends. i left behind my little brother. i started having suicidal troubles again, and i lost my first good college friend. my college tried to send me home, and i wouldn't go. i lost my family. eagleofmeaux helped me through it all, then moved to texas :(
nineteen and twenty, i was in the most mentally and emotionally abusive relationship of my life. and i gained a lot of knowledge about myself. and i gained and lost my wonderful amazing japanese host family.
twenty one was a good year. i had only lost all the professors that could or would inspire me to great writing in my thesis. i lost contact with the_raddy and her mom, who had been so instrumental in my trip to japan. i survived.
twenty two, i lost my friend because he became my roommate, and i eventually wanted to strangle him for being so lazy. i no longer had anyone in portland except rah_bop.
twenty three, and i'm leaving rah_bop to hopefully reclaim some of my losses in california.
i am going to do my best not to loose anyone else. i am going to do my best to believe that i'm loveable whether other people say so or not. i don't want pity from anyone, i want to feel this pain and acknowledge it and let it go through me without defeating me. i don't want to survive, i want to live. i want to believe in love more than i believe in being alone.
i want to laugh in the face of my fear, and have my doubts proven wrong.
i want every day, every year beyond this one, to contain as much joy as possible.
i want to do this with each and every one of you, so that you know how amazingly awesome you are, just by being in contact with me. some of you for a very long time.
*sleepy hugs* let's start in the morning, ne? hehe.
and i have come even more fully to the realization that i have some pretty intense abandonment/love issues.
it doesn't seem to matter how much someone reassures me that i'm loveable, or desired, or anything like that. i still can't shake that nagging doubt in my mind, that persistent voice that tells me that they will leave me anyway. my constant pattern of leaving first, so that i can pretend like i'm not the one who's hurt.
i hated my little brother when he was born, because i didn't get any attention anymore. after five years of being the cute one, i was now the nobody. i stole his teddy bear and made it my own.
when i was six i lost my best friend. we fought about something stupid, but i missed her ever afterwards.
when i was ten, my older brother stopped playing with me. no more turtles saving barbie, even if she was twice the size of the shredder. no more dance and singing competitions, playing catch in the house, or talking to each other at night.
when i was twelve, my dad lost his job, and i lost him. no longer the man who came home joking about monkey suits and talking about trains. he became despondent, then angry. angry all the time.
when i was thirteen, my mom started working, because someone had to bring in money. i spent my afternoons wandering through my house, unable to commit suicide because someone had to watch my little brother, right? (my older brother was off at high school in a town that was a 20 minute train ride away, plus the bus from school to the train station and from the train station home). i lost all respect for my dad when he started taking out his anger on my little brother. i lost hope in my older brother and my mother when they didn't try to stop him. i did, and he probably thought me to be an angsty little pissant.
when i was fourteen, a male classmate of mine felt me up on a school trip. i told my mom, and she said there was nothing she could do about it.
sometime in highschool, my mentor moved away. we no longer communicated by email constantly, nor did we see each other anymore (two to three times a month when i was in 7th & 8th grade, probably every other month or so after that).
when i was fifteen, i dated my first guy. and broke up with him, despite the height of our romance.
when i was sixteen, i lost the first person who ever told me that i deserved to be loved, that he loved me unconditionally. i tried to kill myself.
when i was seventeen, i fell head over heels with a guy. really, truly, fell for him. we broke up after two months. he couldn't see that being grounded constantly really hurt our chances of ever being together. i lost lil_usako to college, but she still came and visited :)
at eighteen, i left the town that had been my home my entire life. i lost my very good physics professor, who gave me an email but never responded to anything i tried to write to him. i lost contact with most of my friends. i left behind my little brother. i started having suicidal troubles again, and i lost my first good college friend. my college tried to send me home, and i wouldn't go. i lost my family. eagleofmeaux helped me through it all, then moved to texas :(
nineteen and twenty, i was in the most mentally and emotionally abusive relationship of my life. and i gained a lot of knowledge about myself. and i gained and lost my wonderful amazing japanese host family.
twenty one was a good year. i had only lost all the professors that could or would inspire me to great writing in my thesis. i lost contact with the_raddy and her mom, who had been so instrumental in my trip to japan. i survived.
twenty two, i lost my friend because he became my roommate, and i eventually wanted to strangle him for being so lazy. i no longer had anyone in portland except rah_bop.
twenty three, and i'm leaving rah_bop to hopefully reclaim some of my losses in california.
i am going to do my best not to loose anyone else. i am going to do my best to believe that i'm loveable whether other people say so or not. i don't want pity from anyone, i want to feel this pain and acknowledge it and let it go through me without defeating me. i don't want to survive, i want to live. i want to believe in love more than i believe in being alone.
i want to laugh in the face of my fear, and have my doubts proven wrong.
i want every day, every year beyond this one, to contain as much joy as possible.
i want to do this with each and every one of you, so that you know how amazingly awesome you are, just by being in contact with me. some of you for a very long time.
*sleepy hugs* let's start in the morning, ne? hehe.