Looking for Yesterday - Chapter 3
Title: Looking for Yesterday (AO3)
Series: Star Trek AOS
Author: neko-fish
Beta: siluria
Pairings: Jim/Bones, Spock/Uhura
Rating: NC-17
Summary: He never meant to survive the war. For three years, Jim Kirk drifted from place to place, plagued by nightmares and unwanted memories. But after a fateful accident, suddenly, he finds himself face to face with the ghost of the one he lost.
Warnings: Post-WW2 AU, PTSD, hurt/comfort.
Prologue// Chapter 1// Chapter 2
Chapter 3:
After Leonard left, Jim didn’t have to wait very long for his friends to arrive.
As Uhura and Spock entered the room, they were once again stopped dead in their tracks by the expression on his face. Glancing out into the hallway, Uhura furrowed her eyebrows in confusion. “Seriously, what’s wrong with your face, Jim? Did something strange happen again? They didn’t give you drugs, did they? I haven’t seen you smile like this since….”
“Since?” Jim asked.
She shook her head and smiled softly at him. “Since a long time ago, Jim. I almost forgot you could smile like that.”
“Like what?”
“Like an idiot,” was her automatic response.
Jim debated whether he should tell them about everything that had happened or not. But in the end, he decided against it. They’d find out sooner or later. But for now, he just wanted to savour the moment, so he told them, “It’s just been a really good day.”
He couldn’t have made a bigger understatement if he tried.
“Thanks for the clothes, by the way. They look great on me,” he added-another understatement as far as he was concerned.
“You’re welcome,” Uhura replied, sounding almost surprised at how agreeable he was being.
Spock wisely chose not to comment on his strange behaviour. “Jim, are you ready to go?”
“Yeah, if you don’t mind me going barefoot that is.”
“Oh, no. You’re not going anywhere barefoot-especially not in public. I brought you socks and shoes for a reason.” Uhura frowned and walked over to help him put his shoes on with more force than needed.
“And is there anywhere you’d like to go before we make our way back to the house, Jim?” Spock asked.
Ignoring the discomfort radiating from his feet, Jim considered the offer for a moment and shook his head. “No, let’s head back.” After a moment of thought, he added with a wry smirk, “I bet your neighbours are bored without me. I’m pretty much a free source of entertainment for them, aren’t I?”
It wasn’t a secret that he didn’t like the neighbours. Shallow, pretentious, and unashamed of their bigotry like so many others around them, their looks of contempt instantly rubbed Jim the wrong way.
Uhura rolled her eyes. “Which part of your visit has been entertaining for them? Just last week, you ran over their prized rose bushes and stole that pie! You’ve done nothing but wage your private campaign against them since you got here! They’re annoying enough as they are. The last thing I need is more complaints from them.”
“Accident, and that pie was on the windowsill,” Jim protested, wincing when she jammed his left shoe on and laced it up too tightly. “Everyone knows that windowsills are considered neutral zones!”
“You climbed over the fence and snuck through their backyard to steal it!” Shaking her head and calming herself down, she returned to the matter at hand. “Never mind that. I’ll yell at you later. Are you ready to go home?”
He nodded. “Yeah. I think I’m overdue for a call to the princess.” Then taking a look down at his feet, he couldn’t help but ask, “But first, could you loosen the laces up a little, please? I know you don’t want me running around, but I can’t feel my toes anymore.”
--
When they arrived at the house, Spock got out of the car to open the garage door. Once the car was parked and the front door opened, hobbling, Jim made a beeline for Spock’s study where the telephone was. Sitting down in Spock’s chair, he wondered why anyone would buy such a stiff and uncomfortable thing. Taking a moment to get as comfortable as he could, he dialed the numbers and asked to be patched over to Atlanta and the McCoy household.
As he waited for the call to go through, he flipped through the impressive collection of 78 rpm records. Ranging from opera to jazz, there was no doubt in his mind that the collection belonged to Uhura. No one else could have such diverse yet refined taste in music. Jim made a mental list of all the ones he planned on listening to during his ‘recuperation period’ because he was certain that he’d be bored out of his mind.
Suddenly, there was a click and a girlish voice answered, “Hello, Joanna McCoy speaking!”
Immediately forgetting about the vinyls, his lips curled into a smile. It was the only time a smile came naturally to him since he got home. “Hey, Jo! How’s my favourite princess?”
“Jim!” After the initial excitement, Joanna quickly trained her voice into a more displeased tone. “Your favourite princess is very mad because you haven’t called in so long.”
He cradled the phone against his ear. “Is that right? And just how mad is she?”
“She might be mad enough to hang up on you.”
Jim’s eyebrows shot up. “Oh? She got my letters since the last time I called, didn’t she?”
“She did. She got all three! But she’s still mad at you. It’s almost been a month since you last called her. She makes marks on the calendar to track, you know?”
“Ah, I see. I should’ve known she’d be that diligent.” He nodded to himself. “Well, let her know that she makes a fair argument, and I sincerely apologize for the delay. But she should know that if she hangs up on me, I might not get patched through as quickly again the next time. What if I offer her a super special secret surprise? Would she forgive me then?”
Joanna seemed to consider his offer for a moment. “That depends. What kind of super special secret surprise is it?”
“Well, it wouldn’t be much of a surprise if I were to give it away, now would it? So am I forgiven?”
She hummed in thought. “Fine, you’re forgiven. I missed you, Jim.”
His eyes softened. “I missed you too, Jo. How’s school going?”
“School’s okay. It’s kind of boring, but grandma said it’s because I’m smarter than all the other kids, just like daddy was. I asked my teacher if I could skip school and go straight to college, but she told me that I can’t go until I finish grade school.”
“Is that right? I hate to break it to you, but your teacher’s right. You need to finish grade school first. There’s no need to rush though, princess. College isn’t that great. There’s no time for fun once you’re in college, so you might as well enjoy grade school while you still can-even if it is boring.”
“I guess. But I promised you and grandma that I’d go to college!”
Jim paused. He could feel the unwanted memories of the day Joanna made that promise resurfacing.
--
The blinds were drawn, and the door was shut.
Sitting on what used to be Leonard McCoy’s bed with the covers drawn over him like a child, Jim hid from the world.
When he first returned two weeks ago, he thought he’d be fine. But after a grueling week of nightmare-filled nights and restless days, he realized that he thought wrong. Unable to concentrate on simple tasks around the house or walk outside without feeling the need to drop to the ground at the slightest sound, he felt crippled. He began avoiding the outdoors and continued narrowing his territory until he was confined to Leonard’s bedroom and the kitchen.
It was after a week that Eleanora brought up her concerns and he lashed out at her. Then, immediately realizing what he had done, he shrunk back with widened eyes and apologized. Fearful of himself, in a weak voice, he requested that Joanna not be allowed near him and retreated back to the safety of Leonard’s room. And that was where he stayed for the next week.
The room was filled with photographs and reminders of everything he wanted to escape from, but when Eleanora offered to stow them away, he shook his head.
He couldn’t bear for Leonard’s room to be changed in any way.
Underneath his armour of blankets, Jim felt safe. With only a small breathing hole, he isolated himself in the darkness. He welcomed the numbness that came with the seclusion. With his back against the wall and knees drawn up to his chest, he spent his days concentrating on keeping the memories and hopelessness at bay.
Sometimes, he had bad days-days when he just wanted to end it all and numb everything for good. But he could never bring himself to go through with it; not in the McCoy household.
Twice a day, without fail, Eleanora would leave food in front of him and tell him that one phrase: “It wasn’t your fault, Jim.” And every day, Joanna, only six at the time, would stand outside the door, telling him about her day and asking after him.
He never had the courage to answer.
It wasn’t until one day when he was retreating back to the room from the bathroom that he ran into Joanna. They both froze and stared at each other in horror. Eyes bloodshot from sleepless nights and crying, unkempt, and unshaven, he knew that he must’ve looked like a monster to her. He fled back to Leonard’s room just in time to hear Joanna burst into tears.
He drew the blankets closer around himself and covered his ears to drown out her crying, not wanting to hear just how much he’d scared her.
“Joanna? What happened, dear?” It was Eleanora’s voice.
“Grandma, what’s wrong with Jim?” Joanna asked through her tears.
“Jim’s just not feeling well right now.”
“Why? Is he sick? He’s not going to die, is he?”
“No, dear, he’s just-”
Not waiting for the rest of the explanation, she ran into the room, climbed onto the bed, and threw her arms around him. “Don’t you go off to heaven like daddy did, Jim! I promise I’ll be good and get into college and become a doctor and make you better again! I promise I will!”
It broke his heart to hear her say those words.
Eyes wet with fresh tears, he slowly reached out, letting the blanket fall away and wrapped his arms around her. Voice hoarse from being unused, he rasped, “I’m so sorry, Jo. God, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you like that. I’m sorry. Don’t you worry, princess. I’m not sick, and I’m not going to heaven. I wouldn’t leave you like that, okay?”
“Then why are you like this?” she asked through her tears.
It hurt to admit out loud, but as gently as he could, he explained, “It’s like your grandma said, I’m just not feeling very well right now.”
Joanna pulled back and studied him through her tears. “But you’ll get better, right, Jim?”
Jim nodded. “Yeah, I’ll get better, princess. I promise I will. I-”
--
“Jim?”
Snapping out of his reverie, he took a shuddery breath and forced himself to focus on the present. He answered, “Yeah, princess?”
“Will I get to see you soon? Or are you still busy travelling?” she asked.
“Don’t worry; we’ll get to see each other soon. I think I’m done travelling.”
“Are you feeling better then?”
He nodded. “Yeah. I’m feeling a lot better, so just take your time and have fun at school. There’s no need to hurry, okay?”
“Okay, Jim.”
“That’s my favourite princess. Now, would you mind putting your grandma on so I can discuss this super special secret surprise with her?”
“Okay, just wait, please.” He could hear her shuffling and calling out to her grandmother. “Grandma! Jim’s on the telephone! He wants to talk to you about a super special secret surprise!”
Within a minute, he could hear Eleanora McCoy’s voice.
“Joanna, be a peach and go do your homework, would you? Thank you, dear. Yes, I’ll let you know when I’m done so you can say goodbye.” He could hear shuffling on the other end as Eleanora picked the phone up. “Hello? Jim?”
“Hey, El-”
Before he could get another word out, she snapped, “Jesus Christ, you rapscallion, do you know how long it’s been since you last called?”
“Almost a month, according to Jo,” he answered. Then he quickly added, “Ma’am.”
“Almost a month is right! Why didn’t you call? We’ve been worried sick about you!”
“Would it earn me any pity points if I told you that I was in the hospital for the last few days?”
She heaved an exasperated sigh. “Oh, good lord, Jim Kirk, what’d you do to yourself this time? You’re alright, aren’t you? I assume you’re at least in decent health to be calling us.”
“I’m fine,” Jim reassured her. “Just took a tumble off my bike’s all. I got a couple stitches and a bump on the head, but nothing too serious-didn’t even break any bones. There’s absolutely nothing to worry about.”
“Absolutely nothing to worry about, my ass, boy. How many times do I have to tell you to be careful on that damn bike of yours?”
Her attitude and manner of speaking always made him think of Leonard. “I promise it won’t happen again, ma’am.” Then he changed the subject. “So about this surprise for Jo.”
“That’s right, she did mention something about a surprise. What’ve you got in mind, Jim?”
“I’ll be mailing you train tickets to come visit me. Jo finishes school at the end of May, right?”
“Yes, but why?”
“It’s to do with Bones. You still tell Jo stories about him, right?”
“Leonard? I tell her stories every night.”
He struggled to put everything into words. “That’s good. I…I can’t really explain it all too well myself, but please trust me on this, El.” It was the first time he had asked for any confidence to be placed in him since he returned.
There was a pause. “Don’t be silly. Of course I trust you, Jim. You’re family to us.”
“Thank you,” he told her sincerely, relief rushing through him. “I’ll call again real soon.”
“You better, or I’ll buy my own train ticket to wherever the hell you are to teach you a lesson or two about keeping your promises.”
--
That night, despite being exhausted from the excitement of everything that happened, Jim tried his best to stay awake. Hand running lightly over the tags, he remained in sitting position, leaning against the headboard. He was afraid that if he went to sleep, he would wake up and find that everything had been a dream. “Leonard H. McCoy,” he muttered to himself, “39563856, T42, 43, O. Joanna McCoy. 820 Ralph McGill Boulevard, Atlanta, Georgia….”
As he repeated the inscription over and over again in a hushed whisper, he glanced out the window and up towards the moon. It was a clear night, so unlike three years ago. A wave of giddiness hit him, still feeling as strange as before, but he welcomed it. “Leonard H. McCoy, MD, alive, 395….”
He drifted off without ever realizing it.
No nightmares plagued him that night.
--
Recovery went smoothly for the first few days.
With Spock and Uhura both working at a nearby university, Jim was left alone during the day. He mostly kept himself busy with books, the radio, and music. They didn’t own a television set, much to Jim’s dismay, because Spock thought it illogical to be so hasty in purchasing a rapidly developing product when there would be ‘better options in the market soon enough,’ and Uhura simply didn’t find televisions appealing enough to buy one. So Jim spent his time learning math, physics, linguistics, and fine tuning his singing skills.
Despite his injuries, he managed to scale the fence and steal yet another pie from the housewife next door when she left, presumably, to find a cigarette. He had already eaten a large slice when the wife knocked on the door with a cigarette dangling from her downturned lips. Apparently he had been right about her leaving her pie for a cigarette.
Quickly wiping the crumbs and blueberry jam off his lips and making sure his bandages were visible, he opened the door and asked her what the matter was. After letting her vent, he sent her home with the explanation that he couldn’t possibly have climbed a fence with his extensive injuries and no, his teeth were dyed purple because Nyota had bought blueberries from the store the other day-oh? The pie was a blueberry pie? What a coincidence! He had no idea she even baked a pie and was very sorry to hear that someone took it off her windowsill.
Once he closed the door, he returned to the kitchen to help himself to another generous slice of blueberry pie while with his best Louis Armstrong voice. He even made sure the windows were open so that the lady next door could appreciate his musical talents.
She responded by slamming her window shut and pulling the curtains down.
“How rude. I thought I hit those notes rather well,” he muttered to himself, taking a bite of pie.
Later that day, “What did you do this time?” was the first thing Uhura said to him when she got home from work. “The lady next door wouldn’t stop glaring at us when we pulled in.”
“I have no idea. Isn’t she always that rude to you guys? Maybe she got herself worked up over non-chauvinistic thoughts-you know, working women and equality for all and whatnot. She’s bound to give herself a heart attack one day. You shouldn’t worry about her; the lady’s crazy.” Jim offered as innocently as he could and held up the remaining half of the pie. “Blueberry pie?”
Sighing, she sat down and didn’t even bother reprimanding him. “I’ll have a small slice.”
--
The rain keeps falling.
“Bones! Come on, answer me, Bones!”
No response.
Those hazel eyes remain closed.
Is that blood or mud covering the man? He can’t tell the difference between the two anymore.
“Please, Bones, open your eyes,” he pleads. “Jo’s waiting for us to get home. You can’t leave me alone.”
An explosion goes off to the right and the ground rumbles beneath him-
--
Jim sat up with a gasp.
Hand flying up to his tags out of reflex, he immediately began focussing on getting his breathing back under control. “He’s alive,” he tried to tell himself. “Calm down, Kirk. He’s alive. You saw him not a week ago. He’s alive.” Though he kept repeating those words to himself, his brain simply didn’t believe him. The memories felt too real.
He needed to see Leonard for himself.
Fueled with the need to confirm his words, he slipped out of bed and pulled on the clothes Uhura had brought him at the hospital. At least she wouldn’t be able to scold him for leaving the house without getting properly dressed first. With his wounds mostly healed, he was able to get his socks on without too much difficulty. It wasn’t until he got dressed that he remembered that his motorcycle had been totalled.
His thoughts turned to Spock’s Cadillac.
Jim knew it was a bad idea-an absolutely terrible idea-but spurred by a frenzy of desperation, he ignored the little voice or morality in the back of his head. Sneaking down the stairs, he turned into the kitchen and grabbed the keys, and then he proceeded to leave via the backdoor again. Distracted by the sun peaking over the horizon while circling around to the garage, Jim couldn’t help scowling when he stepped onto the dew covered lawn.
Once he was in the garage, he shucked off his wet socks. The discomfort reminded him too much of trekking through mud and rain for what felt like decades in Europe. Then he found himself facing another problem: starting the car up without waking anyone up.
Throwing his shoes into the car, he shifted the car into neutral gear and pushed it out of the garage. If he scratched the car even just the slightest, Spock would notice and Uhura would maim him. And everyone he knew would get on his case if he ripped the stitches whilst ‘borrowing’ the car. To avoid both scenarios, he took extra care when pushing it out.
When he got out onto the drive, he closed the garage, hopped into the car and took off.
--
At six in the morning, the phone rang. Sitting at the breakfast table, Uhura looked up. “I’ll get it.” She put down her newspaper and made her way over to the study to answer. “Hello, Nyota Uhura speaking.”
The voice on the other end sounded hesitant. “…hello? Um, this is Doctor McCoy from the hospital.”
Surprised, she repeated his name, “Doctor McCoy?”
“Yes. I’m Mr. Kirk’s doctor. Is he in right now?”
Although confused, she managed to answer, “Yes. He’s probably still asleep. Let me go get him. Just hold on, please.” Putting the phone on the desk, she left the room. On her way to the stairway, she poked her head into kitchen where Spock was eating his breakfast. “A ‘Doctor McCoy’ just called for Jim.”
Spock looked up with a raised brow. “Fascinating. Do you suspect this has anything to do with his strange behaviour as of lately?”
Uhura shook her head. “I don’t know. Let me go wake him up first.”
When she reached the door to the guestroom, she knocked on it and received no reply. “Jim? There’s a Doctor McCoy looking for you. Come on, I know you’re not a heavy sleeper.”
She was answered with silence.
Sighing in exasperation, Uhura turned the knob. “I’m coming in, Ji- ” The door swung open only to reveal an empty room. She blinked and looked around. “Jim?”
Checking all rooms upstairs, she returned downstairs. “Spock? I can’t find Jim anywhere. Do you know where he is?”
“Perhaps he felt the need to go out for fresh air again,” he suggested.
“But the last I checked, he was still looking for a new bike so he couldn’t have left without….” She trailed off and the two of them exchanged alarmed glances before racing out to the garage.
Inside, all they found was a pair of wet socks lying where the car was supposed to be.
Back to Chapter 2
Onwards to Chapter 4
Series: Star Trek AOS
Author: neko-fish
Beta: siluria
Pairings: Jim/Bones, Spock/Uhura
Rating: NC-17
Summary: He never meant to survive the war. For three years, Jim Kirk drifted from place to place, plagued by nightmares and unwanted memories. But after a fateful accident, suddenly, he finds himself face to face with the ghost of the one he lost.
Warnings: Post-WW2 AU, PTSD, hurt/comfort.
Prologue// Chapter 1// Chapter 2
Chapter 3:
After Leonard left, Jim didn’t have to wait very long for his friends to arrive.
As Uhura and Spock entered the room, they were once again stopped dead in their tracks by the expression on his face. Glancing out into the hallway, Uhura furrowed her eyebrows in confusion. “Seriously, what’s wrong with your face, Jim? Did something strange happen again? They didn’t give you drugs, did they? I haven’t seen you smile like this since….”
“Since?” Jim asked.
She shook her head and smiled softly at him. “Since a long time ago, Jim. I almost forgot you could smile like that.”
“Like what?”
“Like an idiot,” was her automatic response.
Jim debated whether he should tell them about everything that had happened or not. But in the end, he decided against it. They’d find out sooner or later. But for now, he just wanted to savour the moment, so he told them, “It’s just been a really good day.”
He couldn’t have made a bigger understatement if he tried.
“Thanks for the clothes, by the way. They look great on me,” he added-another understatement as far as he was concerned.
“You’re welcome,” Uhura replied, sounding almost surprised at how agreeable he was being.
Spock wisely chose not to comment on his strange behaviour. “Jim, are you ready to go?”
“Yeah, if you don’t mind me going barefoot that is.”
“Oh, no. You’re not going anywhere barefoot-especially not in public. I brought you socks and shoes for a reason.” Uhura frowned and walked over to help him put his shoes on with more force than needed.
“And is there anywhere you’d like to go before we make our way back to the house, Jim?” Spock asked.
Ignoring the discomfort radiating from his feet, Jim considered the offer for a moment and shook his head. “No, let’s head back.” After a moment of thought, he added with a wry smirk, “I bet your neighbours are bored without me. I’m pretty much a free source of entertainment for them, aren’t I?”
It wasn’t a secret that he didn’t like the neighbours. Shallow, pretentious, and unashamed of their bigotry like so many others around them, their looks of contempt instantly rubbed Jim the wrong way.
Uhura rolled her eyes. “Which part of your visit has been entertaining for them? Just last week, you ran over their prized rose bushes and stole that pie! You’ve done nothing but wage your private campaign against them since you got here! They’re annoying enough as they are. The last thing I need is more complaints from them.”
“Accident, and that pie was on the windowsill,” Jim protested, wincing when she jammed his left shoe on and laced it up too tightly. “Everyone knows that windowsills are considered neutral zones!”
“You climbed over the fence and snuck through their backyard to steal it!” Shaking her head and calming herself down, she returned to the matter at hand. “Never mind that. I’ll yell at you later. Are you ready to go home?”
He nodded. “Yeah. I think I’m overdue for a call to the princess.” Then taking a look down at his feet, he couldn’t help but ask, “But first, could you loosen the laces up a little, please? I know you don’t want me running around, but I can’t feel my toes anymore.”
--
When they arrived at the house, Spock got out of the car to open the garage door. Once the car was parked and the front door opened, hobbling, Jim made a beeline for Spock’s study where the telephone was. Sitting down in Spock’s chair, he wondered why anyone would buy such a stiff and uncomfortable thing. Taking a moment to get as comfortable as he could, he dialed the numbers and asked to be patched over to Atlanta and the McCoy household.
As he waited for the call to go through, he flipped through the impressive collection of 78 rpm records. Ranging from opera to jazz, there was no doubt in his mind that the collection belonged to Uhura. No one else could have such diverse yet refined taste in music. Jim made a mental list of all the ones he planned on listening to during his ‘recuperation period’ because he was certain that he’d be bored out of his mind.
Suddenly, there was a click and a girlish voice answered, “Hello, Joanna McCoy speaking!”
Immediately forgetting about the vinyls, his lips curled into a smile. It was the only time a smile came naturally to him since he got home. “Hey, Jo! How’s my favourite princess?”
“Jim!” After the initial excitement, Joanna quickly trained her voice into a more displeased tone. “Your favourite princess is very mad because you haven’t called in so long.”
He cradled the phone against his ear. “Is that right? And just how mad is she?”
“She might be mad enough to hang up on you.”
Jim’s eyebrows shot up. “Oh? She got my letters since the last time I called, didn’t she?”
“She did. She got all three! But she’s still mad at you. It’s almost been a month since you last called her. She makes marks on the calendar to track, you know?”
“Ah, I see. I should’ve known she’d be that diligent.” He nodded to himself. “Well, let her know that she makes a fair argument, and I sincerely apologize for the delay. But she should know that if she hangs up on me, I might not get patched through as quickly again the next time. What if I offer her a super special secret surprise? Would she forgive me then?”
Joanna seemed to consider his offer for a moment. “That depends. What kind of super special secret surprise is it?”
“Well, it wouldn’t be much of a surprise if I were to give it away, now would it? So am I forgiven?”
She hummed in thought. “Fine, you’re forgiven. I missed you, Jim.”
His eyes softened. “I missed you too, Jo. How’s school going?”
“School’s okay. It’s kind of boring, but grandma said it’s because I’m smarter than all the other kids, just like daddy was. I asked my teacher if I could skip school and go straight to college, but she told me that I can’t go until I finish grade school.”
“Is that right? I hate to break it to you, but your teacher’s right. You need to finish grade school first. There’s no need to rush though, princess. College isn’t that great. There’s no time for fun once you’re in college, so you might as well enjoy grade school while you still can-even if it is boring.”
“I guess. But I promised you and grandma that I’d go to college!”
Jim paused. He could feel the unwanted memories of the day Joanna made that promise resurfacing.
--
The blinds were drawn, and the door was shut.
Sitting on what used to be Leonard McCoy’s bed with the covers drawn over him like a child, Jim hid from the world.
When he first returned two weeks ago, he thought he’d be fine. But after a grueling week of nightmare-filled nights and restless days, he realized that he thought wrong. Unable to concentrate on simple tasks around the house or walk outside without feeling the need to drop to the ground at the slightest sound, he felt crippled. He began avoiding the outdoors and continued narrowing his territory until he was confined to Leonard’s bedroom and the kitchen.
It was after a week that Eleanora brought up her concerns and he lashed out at her. Then, immediately realizing what he had done, he shrunk back with widened eyes and apologized. Fearful of himself, in a weak voice, he requested that Joanna not be allowed near him and retreated back to the safety of Leonard’s room. And that was where he stayed for the next week.
The room was filled with photographs and reminders of everything he wanted to escape from, but when Eleanora offered to stow them away, he shook his head.
He couldn’t bear for Leonard’s room to be changed in any way.
Underneath his armour of blankets, Jim felt safe. With only a small breathing hole, he isolated himself in the darkness. He welcomed the numbness that came with the seclusion. With his back against the wall and knees drawn up to his chest, he spent his days concentrating on keeping the memories and hopelessness at bay.
Sometimes, he had bad days-days when he just wanted to end it all and numb everything for good. But he could never bring himself to go through with it; not in the McCoy household.
Twice a day, without fail, Eleanora would leave food in front of him and tell him that one phrase: “It wasn’t your fault, Jim.” And every day, Joanna, only six at the time, would stand outside the door, telling him about her day and asking after him.
He never had the courage to answer.
It wasn’t until one day when he was retreating back to the room from the bathroom that he ran into Joanna. They both froze and stared at each other in horror. Eyes bloodshot from sleepless nights and crying, unkempt, and unshaven, he knew that he must’ve looked like a monster to her. He fled back to Leonard’s room just in time to hear Joanna burst into tears.
He drew the blankets closer around himself and covered his ears to drown out her crying, not wanting to hear just how much he’d scared her.
“Joanna? What happened, dear?” It was Eleanora’s voice.
“Grandma, what’s wrong with Jim?” Joanna asked through her tears.
“Jim’s just not feeling well right now.”
“Why? Is he sick? He’s not going to die, is he?”
“No, dear, he’s just-”
Not waiting for the rest of the explanation, she ran into the room, climbed onto the bed, and threw her arms around him. “Don’t you go off to heaven like daddy did, Jim! I promise I’ll be good and get into college and become a doctor and make you better again! I promise I will!”
It broke his heart to hear her say those words.
Eyes wet with fresh tears, he slowly reached out, letting the blanket fall away and wrapped his arms around her. Voice hoarse from being unused, he rasped, “I’m so sorry, Jo. God, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you like that. I’m sorry. Don’t you worry, princess. I’m not sick, and I’m not going to heaven. I wouldn’t leave you like that, okay?”
“Then why are you like this?” she asked through her tears.
It hurt to admit out loud, but as gently as he could, he explained, “It’s like your grandma said, I’m just not feeling very well right now.”
Joanna pulled back and studied him through her tears. “But you’ll get better, right, Jim?”
Jim nodded. “Yeah, I’ll get better, princess. I promise I will. I-”
--
“Jim?”
Snapping out of his reverie, he took a shuddery breath and forced himself to focus on the present. He answered, “Yeah, princess?”
“Will I get to see you soon? Or are you still busy travelling?” she asked.
“Don’t worry; we’ll get to see each other soon. I think I’m done travelling.”
“Are you feeling better then?”
He nodded. “Yeah. I’m feeling a lot better, so just take your time and have fun at school. There’s no need to hurry, okay?”
“Okay, Jim.”
“That’s my favourite princess. Now, would you mind putting your grandma on so I can discuss this super special secret surprise with her?”
“Okay, just wait, please.” He could hear her shuffling and calling out to her grandmother. “Grandma! Jim’s on the telephone! He wants to talk to you about a super special secret surprise!”
Within a minute, he could hear Eleanora McCoy’s voice.
“Joanna, be a peach and go do your homework, would you? Thank you, dear. Yes, I’ll let you know when I’m done so you can say goodbye.” He could hear shuffling on the other end as Eleanora picked the phone up. “Hello? Jim?”
“Hey, El-”
Before he could get another word out, she snapped, “Jesus Christ, you rapscallion, do you know how long it’s been since you last called?”
“Almost a month, according to Jo,” he answered. Then he quickly added, “Ma’am.”
“Almost a month is right! Why didn’t you call? We’ve been worried sick about you!”
“Would it earn me any pity points if I told you that I was in the hospital for the last few days?”
She heaved an exasperated sigh. “Oh, good lord, Jim Kirk, what’d you do to yourself this time? You’re alright, aren’t you? I assume you’re at least in decent health to be calling us.”
“I’m fine,” Jim reassured her. “Just took a tumble off my bike’s all. I got a couple stitches and a bump on the head, but nothing too serious-didn’t even break any bones. There’s absolutely nothing to worry about.”
“Absolutely nothing to worry about, my ass, boy. How many times do I have to tell you to be careful on that damn bike of yours?”
Her attitude and manner of speaking always made him think of Leonard. “I promise it won’t happen again, ma’am.” Then he changed the subject. “So about this surprise for Jo.”
“That’s right, she did mention something about a surprise. What’ve you got in mind, Jim?”
“I’ll be mailing you train tickets to come visit me. Jo finishes school at the end of May, right?”
“Yes, but why?”
“It’s to do with Bones. You still tell Jo stories about him, right?”
“Leonard? I tell her stories every night.”
He struggled to put everything into words. “That’s good. I…I can’t really explain it all too well myself, but please trust me on this, El.” It was the first time he had asked for any confidence to be placed in him since he returned.
There was a pause. “Don’t be silly. Of course I trust you, Jim. You’re family to us.”
“Thank you,” he told her sincerely, relief rushing through him. “I’ll call again real soon.”
“You better, or I’ll buy my own train ticket to wherever the hell you are to teach you a lesson or two about keeping your promises.”
--
That night, despite being exhausted from the excitement of everything that happened, Jim tried his best to stay awake. Hand running lightly over the tags, he remained in sitting position, leaning against the headboard. He was afraid that if he went to sleep, he would wake up and find that everything had been a dream. “Leonard H. McCoy,” he muttered to himself, “39563856, T42, 43, O. Joanna McCoy. 820 Ralph McGill Boulevard, Atlanta, Georgia….”
As he repeated the inscription over and over again in a hushed whisper, he glanced out the window and up towards the moon. It was a clear night, so unlike three years ago. A wave of giddiness hit him, still feeling as strange as before, but he welcomed it. “Leonard H. McCoy, MD, alive, 395….”
He drifted off without ever realizing it.
No nightmares plagued him that night.
--
Recovery went smoothly for the first few days.
With Spock and Uhura both working at a nearby university, Jim was left alone during the day. He mostly kept himself busy with books, the radio, and music. They didn’t own a television set, much to Jim’s dismay, because Spock thought it illogical to be so hasty in purchasing a rapidly developing product when there would be ‘better options in the market soon enough,’ and Uhura simply didn’t find televisions appealing enough to buy one. So Jim spent his time learning math, physics, linguistics, and fine tuning his singing skills.
Despite his injuries, he managed to scale the fence and steal yet another pie from the housewife next door when she left, presumably, to find a cigarette. He had already eaten a large slice when the wife knocked on the door with a cigarette dangling from her downturned lips. Apparently he had been right about her leaving her pie for a cigarette.
Quickly wiping the crumbs and blueberry jam off his lips and making sure his bandages were visible, he opened the door and asked her what the matter was. After letting her vent, he sent her home with the explanation that he couldn’t possibly have climbed a fence with his extensive injuries and no, his teeth were dyed purple because Nyota had bought blueberries from the store the other day-oh? The pie was a blueberry pie? What a coincidence! He had no idea she even baked a pie and was very sorry to hear that someone took it off her windowsill.
Once he closed the door, he returned to the kitchen to help himself to another generous slice of blueberry pie while with his best Louis Armstrong voice. He even made sure the windows were open so that the lady next door could appreciate his musical talents.
She responded by slamming her window shut and pulling the curtains down.
“How rude. I thought I hit those notes rather well,” he muttered to himself, taking a bite of pie.
Later that day, “What did you do this time?” was the first thing Uhura said to him when she got home from work. “The lady next door wouldn’t stop glaring at us when we pulled in.”
“I have no idea. Isn’t she always that rude to you guys? Maybe she got herself worked up over non-chauvinistic thoughts-you know, working women and equality for all and whatnot. She’s bound to give herself a heart attack one day. You shouldn’t worry about her; the lady’s crazy.” Jim offered as innocently as he could and held up the remaining half of the pie. “Blueberry pie?”
Sighing, she sat down and didn’t even bother reprimanding him. “I’ll have a small slice.”
--
The rain keeps falling.
“Bones! Come on, answer me, Bones!”
No response.
Those hazel eyes remain closed.
Is that blood or mud covering the man? He can’t tell the difference between the two anymore.
“Please, Bones, open your eyes,” he pleads. “Jo’s waiting for us to get home. You can’t leave me alone.”
An explosion goes off to the right and the ground rumbles beneath him-
--
Jim sat up with a gasp.
Hand flying up to his tags out of reflex, he immediately began focussing on getting his breathing back under control. “He’s alive,” he tried to tell himself. “Calm down, Kirk. He’s alive. You saw him not a week ago. He’s alive.” Though he kept repeating those words to himself, his brain simply didn’t believe him. The memories felt too real.
He needed to see Leonard for himself.
Fueled with the need to confirm his words, he slipped out of bed and pulled on the clothes Uhura had brought him at the hospital. At least she wouldn’t be able to scold him for leaving the house without getting properly dressed first. With his wounds mostly healed, he was able to get his socks on without too much difficulty. It wasn’t until he got dressed that he remembered that his motorcycle had been totalled.
His thoughts turned to Spock’s Cadillac.
Jim knew it was a bad idea-an absolutely terrible idea-but spurred by a frenzy of desperation, he ignored the little voice or morality in the back of his head. Sneaking down the stairs, he turned into the kitchen and grabbed the keys, and then he proceeded to leave via the backdoor again. Distracted by the sun peaking over the horizon while circling around to the garage, Jim couldn’t help scowling when he stepped onto the dew covered lawn.
Once he was in the garage, he shucked off his wet socks. The discomfort reminded him too much of trekking through mud and rain for what felt like decades in Europe. Then he found himself facing another problem: starting the car up without waking anyone up.
Throwing his shoes into the car, he shifted the car into neutral gear and pushed it out of the garage. If he scratched the car even just the slightest, Spock would notice and Uhura would maim him. And everyone he knew would get on his case if he ripped the stitches whilst ‘borrowing’ the car. To avoid both scenarios, he took extra care when pushing it out.
When he got out onto the drive, he closed the garage, hopped into the car and took off.
--
At six in the morning, the phone rang. Sitting at the breakfast table, Uhura looked up. “I’ll get it.” She put down her newspaper and made her way over to the study to answer. “Hello, Nyota Uhura speaking.”
The voice on the other end sounded hesitant. “…hello? Um, this is Doctor McCoy from the hospital.”
Surprised, she repeated his name, “Doctor McCoy?”
“Yes. I’m Mr. Kirk’s doctor. Is he in right now?”
Although confused, she managed to answer, “Yes. He’s probably still asleep. Let me go get him. Just hold on, please.” Putting the phone on the desk, she left the room. On her way to the stairway, she poked her head into kitchen where Spock was eating his breakfast. “A ‘Doctor McCoy’ just called for Jim.”
Spock looked up with a raised brow. “Fascinating. Do you suspect this has anything to do with his strange behaviour as of lately?”
Uhura shook her head. “I don’t know. Let me go wake him up first.”
When she reached the door to the guestroom, she knocked on it and received no reply. “Jim? There’s a Doctor McCoy looking for you. Come on, I know you’re not a heavy sleeper.”
She was answered with silence.
Sighing in exasperation, Uhura turned the knob. “I’m coming in, Ji- ” The door swung open only to reveal an empty room. She blinked and looked around. “Jim?”
Checking all rooms upstairs, she returned downstairs. “Spock? I can’t find Jim anywhere. Do you know where he is?”
“Perhaps he felt the need to go out for fresh air again,” he suggested.
“But the last I checked, he was still looking for a new bike so he couldn’t have left without….” She trailed off and the two of them exchanged alarmed glances before racing out to the garage.
Inside, all they found was a pair of wet socks lying where the car was supposed to be.
Back to Chapter 2
Onwards to Chapter 4