Riddle Me This
Title: Riddle Me This (AO3)
Series: Star Trek AOS
Author:neko-fish
Pairings: Jim/Bones, Spock/Uhura, Sulu/Chekov
Rating: NC-17
Summary: In which scraped knees and dirty riddles are just a part of Leonard's everyday life. Modern day college AU.
“Phone, Bones! Phone, Bones! Pick up your phone, Bones! Your favourite person in the world’s calling you! Pick up your phone, Bones! Don't keep him waiting! This could be the single most important call of your life! Pick up your phone, Bones! (“Jim, you are aware that you are only allotted 20.16 seconds to record your personalized ringtone, right?”) What? Wait, what do you mean I only get twenty seconds to-”
“Phone, Bones-”
Leonard groans and gropes around his bag for his cell phone, eyes never leaving the TV screen. A couple weeks earlier, Jim Kirk, his best friend and royal pain in the ass, had somehow gotten his hands on his phone and recorded a ringtone for every single one of his contacts, and he had the gall to set up a password to prevent Leonard from changing them back.
Finally locating his phone, he answers the call.
“Hey, Bones! It’s Jim!”
He sighs. “I know, Jim. What do you want?”
“I hurt myself.”
That gets his attention. “What’d you do this time?”
“I flew out the door.”
Leonard blinks. “You did what now?”
“I did half a front-flip out the door.”
“You did half a front-flip out the door,” Leonard repeats, not comprehending the words. “Did you get drunk without me again?”
“No. I tripped on my way out the door. Can you come fix me?”
Heaving another sigh, he glances at the clock and asks, “Is anything broken?”
“No, I don’t think so.”
“Then it can wait until after my show. I’ll call you back in an hour.”
“But, Bones-”
Hanging up, Leonard sets his phone on silent and turns up the volume on his TV. Jim’s best friend he may be, but that doesn’t mean he’s about to miss an episode of his show because Jim tripped and scraped his knees. It’s one of the perks of being Jim Kirk’s best friend: it's desensitized him to the kid-over the phone anyways. He still doesn’t stand a chance against Jim’s guilt-tripping ways in real life, but he’s long since gotten over the guilt of hanging up on him. As far as he’s concerned, if Jim can call him to whine about it, then it’s nothing too serious.
During the commercial break, as expected, Jim hobbles through the door with a pout on his face and blood dripping down his legs. “You suck, Bones. Just to spite you, I’m going to drip blood all over your carpet and tell people you’re having your period.”
Leonard has to admit that he’s alarmed by the amount of blood running down Jim’s legs. It’s a little more than just a scraped knee, but still nothing that would require professional medical care. He gets up to fetch his first-aid kit, unimpressed by the threat. “You’ve already spilt blood and red wine on my carpet on multiple occasions, you unsanitary brat. I doubt anyone’s going to notice another blotch of red. By the way, if anyone’s having their period, it’s you. Maybe I should get you a tampon instead of band-aids. Go take a seat.”
Jim plops down onto the couch and stretches out his legs. He lets out a whine when Leonard begins cleaning the wounds. “Owie, Bones! That hurts! Can’t you be nicer?”
He arches an eyebrow. “Did you just say ‘owie’? How come you can handle broken ribs so much better than scraped knees? And why didn’t you clean this up yourself before coming over? You know there’s a first-aid kit under the sink at your place.”
The two of them are practically roommates even though they have separate dorms on opposite sides of the campus-all the better to 'divide and conquer,' as Jim put it. They manage to spend most pf their nights together, choosing which dorm to stay at depending on their morning classes’ location and the location of whichever pub they felt like drinking at. Leonard’s not too sure how it all happened, but then again, he hasn’t been sure of very much ever since the storm that is Jim Kirk entered his life.
Jim changed a lot of things in Leonard’s life-and most of it without consent. He changed Leonard’s name to ‘Bones’, he changed Leonard's mind on things Leonard didn’t even know he had opinions on, and he even changed the shower curtains because according to Jim, rockets and aliens are cooler than plain old checkered patterns.
“Because it stings, Bones! And I sort of did!” Jim protests loudly. “I even changed into shorts to make things easier for you!”
“You ripped your jeans?” he asks, rolling his eyes.
With a sad frown, Jim nods. “They were my favourite pair too.”
“Poor baby,” Leonard says with no sympathy whatsoever. “Why didn’t you at least slap on a band-aid instead of running across the campus like you got shot in the legs?”
“I couldn’t find band-aids big enough. And if you must know, I didn’t run-I hobbled across campus like a champ.”
“Of course you did.” Leonard nods slowly and takes out gauze pads and medical tape. “Oh, commercial’s over. You missed the first part. Three people were brought in to the ER. One of them has a rare form of cancer in his colon that they have to remove, the little girl’s slowly going blind for some reason, and this old lady suffered a stroke. So far, they’ve messed up on their terminology four times. Now be quiet and let me watch in peace.”
“You seriously suck, Bones. I can’t believe you’d rather count the number of medical errors they make on this show than come to my rescue.”
“Shush or I’ll punch you in the knees.”
--
“Bones, it hurts to walk! I can’t bend my knees! Why haven’t regenerators been invented yet?”
Leonard can’t help but feel a twinge of sympathy as he watches Jim hobbling around the dorm room. Jim has an uncanny ability to make him feel all sorts of emotions that he never wanted to feel-everything from unhealthily high levels of stress and anxiety to mellow love and affection. And somewhere in between foaming at the mouth and laughing until his stomach hurt, he fell for Jim fucking Kirk.
Rolling his eyes, he gets up. “Don’t ask me. You’re the one who's in engineering. Besides, even if those things get invented, I wouldn’t use one on you until it’s been proven safe for all humans and animals. What are you looking for? For Christ’s sake, sit down and stay put, you gimped infant.”
“I thought I left my leftover pizza here from last night but it’s not in the fridge,” Jim whines. He only whines that openly around people he’s comfortable with, a fact that Leonard’s both pleased and peeved about.
He frowns. “No. Why would your leftovers be here? We were at your dorm yesterday. And you ate the rest of it this morning, remember?”
Blinking slowly, Jim gives a nod of realization. “Oh, right. Whoops.”
“Good god, man, that fall knocked your brain right out of your head, didn’t it? If you’re hungry, I’ll make you something to eat, alright? Just stop walking around already. Don’t make me cripple you any further, Jim, because I will-and although I’ll deny it in court, I’ll enjoy doing it.”
Jim grins. “I love you too, Bones.”
Leonard’s heart totally doesn’t skip a beat at that.
--
“Ow, ow, ow, ow. Am I stuck? Yep. Stuck, stuck, stuck, totally stuck. This sucks!”
He cracks open an eye in annoyance. “What the fuck are you doing, Jim? It’s like…fifty hours too early for you to be up.”
“Shit,” Jim calls back from the bathroom, “sorry, Bones. I didn’t mean to wake you up. I’ve got morning class today and figured I ought to start hobbling to class a little earlier except I’m kind of stuck in the tub right now.”
“Do you need help?” Leonard slurs, only somewhat coherent.
“No, it’s fine, Bones. Just go back to sleep. I’ll see you later, okay?”
“M’kay,” he mutters, slipping back to sleep.
A minute later, he’s rudely awakened by Jim again. “Bones, Bones, Bones! I change my mind! Come help me! I’m stuck, and it’s cold!”
Leonard scowls and rolls out of bed, shivering at the sudden absence of his blanket. He has to remind himself that because he loves Jim and because he wants to be a doctor, tossing the toaster into the tub and electrocuting Jim’s definitely out of question-unfortunately.
He drags his feet over to the bathroom to see a very wet, naked Jim stranded in the middle of the bathtub. They have very little rules when it comes to clothes. The only one they try to live by is the ‘no cooking naked’ rule, and that only came about because of the ‘bacon incident’-something neither of them can talk about without cringing.
Luckily, he’s too out of it to properly blush and look away as he helps Jim out of the tub. “Couldn’t even be bothered to cover yourself up with a towel?”
“I couldn’t reach it,” is Jim’s rueful reply.
Yawning, Leonard tosses Jim his towel and mutters, “You’re going to get yourself sick like this, kid. Now, sit your ass down so I can patch you up and go back to sleep.”
“How come it’s still spewing blood and pus, Bones? Shouldn’t the wounds be closed by now?”
“Maybe it’s because you kept kicking me in your sleep last night,” Leonard complains, trying to keep his eyes opened.
He’s kneeling in front of Jim and cleaning the wounds when Jim suddenly speaks up, “Oh, this reminds me. I forgot to tell you yesterday.”
“Forgot to tell me what?” he asks blearily.
“A riddle,” Jim says.
“A riddle?” Leonard repeats, not comprehending the word.
“Yeah. I was totally on my way here to tell you this awesome riddle yesterday, but it must've slipped my mind when I destroyed my legs. Do you want to hear it?”
“Sure, why not?” He yawns again and finishes patching up the second knee.
“Are you sure you’re awake enough for this, Bones?” Jim asks.
Leonard shrugs.
“I guess I can always text it later to you as well. Riddle me this: ‘What can you blow that goes in hard and stiff, and comes out soft and sticky?’ If you can guess it by the end of the day without consulting the internet, I’ll give you a nice, big surprise.”
Too drowsy to even try to make sense of the riddle, Leonard shakes his head, eyes threatening to close on their own. “That’s too hard. I have no idea, kid. Is it a spatula? I bet it’s a spatula.” He stands up and attempts to make his way back to bed. “Excuse me while I go pass out.”
He has no recollection of anything that follows.
--
“Bones! Wake up! It’s time to wake up! You’re going to be late for class or something! Bones! Bones! Bones! Wake up! Wake up!”
“Shut up, Jim,” he groans and rolls onto his side.
“Bones! Wake up! It’s time to wake up! You’re-”
Leonard opens his eyes when he realizes that it’s his phone’s alarm yelling at him. Turning it off, he takes a deep breath and contemplates crawling out of bed. To procrastinate, he decides to check his messages first.
21:05, H. Sulu to L. McCoy:
Pasha said he saw Jim walking around with blood running down his legs. What’s that about?
09:45, L. McCoy to H. Sulu:
Sorry, phone was on silent. Jim’s just on his period. Don’t worry about it.
06:37, C. Chapel to L. McCoy:
Our organic chem. exam’s not ‘til next week, right?
09:46, L. McCoy to C. Chapel:
Yep. See you in physics.
06:50, J. Kirk to L. McCoy:
Just a written reminder of the riddle you’re supposed to solve:
What can you blow that goes in hard and stiff, and comes out soft and sticky?
Leonard spends a long minute staring at Jim’s message, feeling more awake with every passing second as he rereads the riddle yet again. It’s thanks to the message that he finds the motivation needed to get out of bed. In fact, he’s so motivated that he jumps out of bed and makes a bee-line to the bathroom to take a long cold shower.
While showering, he grumbles to himself about he’s going to spend the rest of the day trying to solve the riddle while not thinking about Jim’s penis-penis, not ‘dick’, because he’s in pre-med and refuses to use anything but proper anatomical terms for body parts.
--
After the endless torment that was physics class, Leonard leaves the lecture hall feeling dazed and confused. Along with Christine Chapel and Geoffrey M’Benga, the three of them stumble out into the sunlight with uncomprehending expressions on their faces. When sunlight hits his eyes, he snaps out of his physics-induced coma and shields his eyes from the rays.
“Guys, we are fucked,” he tells the two in defeat.
Christine rolls her eyes. “You’re not allowed to say that, Leonard. You’ve got an array of private tutors from the engineering faculty to choose from. If anyone should be complaining, it should be us.”
“No. No, that’s not necessarily true,” Leonard protests. “Have you ever listened to them talk physics? They live and breathe equations. It’s like a different language altogether. Chekov and Spock just start rambling on about…numbers and stuff. Scotty’s never sober once he leaves the building. And Gaila and Jim are both too distracting to be effective tutors-and Jim’s also a rambler. He’s good for the first hour, but then he gets so excited about the numbers he starts just rambling on and on and then ends up writing equations all over the bathroom mirror.”
He actually really likes it when Jim gets his geek on, but he'd sooner die than admit it out loud.
Geoff gives him a sympathetic pat on the back. “It’s alright, Leonard. You can join our study party and try to figure out what all those Greek letters stand for with the rest of us.”
“Thanks, Geoff.”
Leonard gets distracted when his phone suddenly shouts “Text!” in Jim’s voice.
15:32, J. Kirk to L. McCoy:
Bones, would you be so kind as to come make sure I don’t roll down the stairs and die later? Scotty and them broke the Enterprise again. I should get out in an hour-ish. But it’s Pike, so he might go overtime as usual.
The Enterprise is the name that the engineering faculty affectionately gave the elevator in their building. The students there have done so many experiments and broken the poor elevator so many times that it’s become their faculty mascot-the epitome of experimentation and trial and error. He actually really likes the engineering faculty at Starfleet University. It’s full of the most diverse and brilliant people he’s ever met, crazy as they are-and that includes Jim.
Poor temporarily incapacitated Jim.
Leonard sighs and tells his friends, “So Jim went and crippled himself-again. And those crazy engineering bastards went and destroyed the elevator-again. So now I have to go pick him up from class to make sure he doesn’t trip down the stairs and die-again.”
Christine smiles. “Same old, same old, hmm?”
“Same old, same old,” he repeats in agreement.
15:35, L. McCoy to J. Kirk:
Fine. I’ll be there. Try not to die until then.
15:36, J. Kirk to L. McCoy:
You’re awesome, Bones. By the way, Chekov suddenly started asking me if men could menstruate. Any idea what that’s about?
He snickers.
15:37, L. McCoy to J. Kirk:
Absolutely no idea. Maybe it’s a Russian thing.
15:38, J. Kirk to L. McCoy:
Maybe. How goes the riddle solving?
Hint: It’s not what you’re thinking.
In amidst the never-ending formulae about energy and force, Leonard had completely forgotten about the riddle.
If it’s not what he’s thinking, then does that mean it’s not Jim’s penis?
He turns to his friends and asks, “Hey, do you guys have any idea what’s something you can blow that goes in hard and stiff then comes out soft and sticky?”
Geoff coughs politely and looks away.
Christine frowns. “Leonard, I know you and Jim have stockpiled enough sexual tension to repopulate the Earth, and I don’t have anything against it, but if that was your subtle way of telling us that you two finally got together, then congrats, it’s about time, but that’s way too much information.”
Face heating up, he stutters, “No! That’s not what I-I was just-no! No! There’s no stockpiling! There’s no stockpiling anything!”
“It’s okay, Leonard. We have nothing against it. We’ve actually been waiting for it to happen,” Geoff reassures him.
“That’s not helping! It’s not like that!” he squawks. “It was just a riddle he asked me this morning!”
“Are you sure this isn’t,” Christine shrugs, “oh, I don’t know, Jim’s way of hinting at his dick and how you should maybe,” another shrug, “you know, blow him? That’s what it sounds like to me. You think so too, right, Geoff? He’s not even being subtle about it.”
Geoff nods, looking somewhat apologetic. “Sorry, Leonard, but she’s right. It’s kind of obvious that he’s got a thing for you. And you’re the one who's always going on about how Jim’s a ‘cunning bastard’. If he wanted you to think about his penis all day, he succeeded, didn’t he?”
“And you got us thinking about it too. Thanks for that.” She smirks. “I think it’s about time Jim made a move.”
“I’m surprised he didn’t do anything sooner,” Geoff says in agreement.
Christine laughs. “I bet he was waiting for Leonard to make the first move but then realized that Leonard’s too much of a vag to do it.”
“Did you really just call him a vag, Christine? Isn’t that kind of sexist?”
“It’s alright. If Leonard doesn’t like it, he can just suck my non-existent dick-or Jim’s existing one.”
Leonard opens and closes his mouth a few times like a fish out of water. He’s torn between throwing his books at his so called 'friends' and screaming in embarrassment. The latter wins out. “You people suck!” Then he realizes what he’d said and tries to correct himself, “No, wait, I didn’t mean-”
But it’s too late and the damage has been done.
Christine has a positively feral grin on her lips. “No, Leonard. You suck. More specifically: Jim’s dick.”
He has to admit that he walked right into that one. But to be fair, his brain’s still impaired from too much physics, and fending off verbal attacks from his friends hadn’t exactly been on his to-do list. To cover up his embarrassment, he frowns. “I can’t believe Roger lets you kiss him with that mouth, Christine.”
She arches a brow. “Are we really going to go there, Leonard? This whole ‘mouth’ business?”
“No,” he quickly replies. He wishes he was in Geoff’s position and had the luxury of watching and laughing from the sidelines. “We are not going anywhere, and there will be no business of any sort because I refuse to continue having this conversation with you. Now, I’m going to go make sure Jim doesn’t kill himself and I don’t want to hear another word from either of you!”
“You’re such a vag-”
“Dammit, Christine, not another word!”
Running off with his hands over his ears, he'll later admit that it wasn't exactly the proudest moment of his life.
--
In front of the engineering building, he spots Nyota Uhura whose first name still eludes Jim. She’s sitting on a bench when she notices him and waves for him to join her. Glad to talk to someone who won’t call him a ‘vag’, he takes a seat and says, “Hello, darlin'. Waiting for Spock?”
She nods. “Yes, we have plans to visit his family for the long weekend.”
“Oh? Where’s he from again?”
“Vulcan, Alberta. It’s up in Canada.”
For some reason, he always found the idea of stoic, stoic Spock being Canadian strange. Aren’t Canadians supposed to be happy and friendly? If anything, Leonard would’ve found it easier to accept the idea that the guy was from a different planet rather than Canada. But because he knows better than to badmouth Spock in front of Nyota, he simply nods. “Right. Canada.”
“Are you waiting for Kirk?” she asks.
Leonard heaves a sigh and tries not to think of his parting conversation with Christine and Geoffrey. “Yeah. He’s kind of gimped right now. I told him I’d come make sure he doesn’t get himself killed while attempting to hobble down all those stairs. Scotty destroyed the Enterprise again, apparently.”
“Ah, I see.”
There’s a comfortable moment of silence between the two.
“You know, Leonard, you really should just throw the poor boy a boner,” Nyota suddenly says.
He blinks. “Wow. That came out of nowhere. Wait, did you just call Jim a ‘poor boy’?”
She shrugs. “Don’t let him know I called him that. I just feel kind of bad for him. Kirk must really be head over heels for you if he’s still crushing on you after all these years. I mean, it’s pretty obvious that the two of you have been pining after each other since first year. But for some reason, neither of you have made the move to get together.”
Then his brain, still sluggish from the physics overload earlier, catches up and registers all the words from the first sentence. He does a double-take. “Wait, did you just use the word ‘boner’, Nyota? Jesus Christ, I never thought I’d hear you say something so vulgar.”
Nyota arches an eyebrow in a frighteningly similar manner to Spock and reprimands him like his teacher used to, “You’re falling behind in the conversation, Leonard.”
“Sorry, my brain’s not functioning properly right now. Jim kept kicking me in his sleep last night and then he woke me up at god knows what hour this morning because he got stuck in the tub, and then I had to sit through a three hour physics lecture in which I didn’t understand anything. And you just used the word ‘boner’ in a sentence,” he explains.
“I figured you’d appreciate it more than me saying ‘just throw the poor boy your erect penis.’ Was I wrong? Or perhaps you wanted me to say it in a different language?”
Leonard quickly shakes his head. “No, no, you’re absolutely right. It’s very much appreciated. Thank you for not telling me to throw my erect penis at people-in any language.”
She seems satisfied with his answer and smiles. “That’s what I thought. But really, you and Kirk should just go out already. It was cute to watch at first, but now, it’s getting kind of sad.”
He has no idea how she manages to say everything so perfectly seriously, but she manages, and she manages to do it well. “Why is everyone suddenly telling me to hook up with Jim today?”
“I didn’t say ‘hook up’, Leonard. That would imply impermanence. I said ‘go out’ as in an official date. I think it’d turn out quite well for the both of you. And it’s a long weekend; why not make the most of it?”
Just as he's about to answer, his phone goes off.
“Bones, your handheld device is ringing. Someone is attempting to establish contact with you via your cellular phone. The logical course of action would be to pick it up. (“I do not understand why you find it so humorous to attempt to imitate my speech pattern, Jim.”) Your phone will ring for 20.16 seconds before directing the caller to your voice mail-”
“Hello?” he answers. “Yeah, she’s right here. No, it’s fine. What? He’s saying ‘ouchies’ now? Don’t worry about it. I’ll go get him later. Thanks. Bye.” After hanging up, he turns to Nyota. “Your Canadian boyfriend’s on his way here.”
Nyota doesn’t reply.
Suddenly, his phone goes off again.
“Bones! There’s a really hot girl with a really talented tongue on the phone just waiting to talk to you! It’s Uhura-damn-that-tongue-if-she-hears-this-she’ll-probably-cuss-me-out-in-twenty-different-languages! It’s Uhura-how-come-she-told-you-her-first-name-but-not-me-but-whatever-I’ll-totally-get-it-eventually! It’s Uhura-who’s-going-out-with-Spock-who-would’ve-thought-don’t give me that look, Spock. It’s not like I’m saying anything bad about her. Anyways, you really should pick up-”
Leonard looks over at her with an arched brow.
She shrugs, unapologetic. “I wanted to hear what he recorded for my ringtone.” Then turning back to the subject at hand, she says, “Just think about it, Leonard. The two of you obviously have feelings for each other, so why not just go for it?”
The door opens and Spock appears, clearly waiting for them to finish their conversation. Leonard rubs the back of his neck sheepishly. “Hey, before you go, do you have any idea what this riddle means? Jim told it to me earlier. What’s something you can blow that goes in hard and stiff then comes out soft and sticky?”
He watches as her eyebrow shoots up. Then much to his horror, she glances over at Spock and then downwards. Leonard decides that that’s way more information than he needed to know and hastily shakes his head. “Never mind. I’ll ask someone else. You shouldn’t keep Spock waiting. Have fun in Canada, darlin’.”
Nyota nods and makes her way towards her boyfriend, but then she turns around and asks, “Are you sure it’s supposed to be a riddle and not just Kirk’s way of hinting at something, Leonard?”
He doesn’t answer her.
“Just toss him a boner, Leonard.” she says once more before walking away. “I’ll see you next week.”
Leonard’s convinced he’ll never understand how she manages to use a sentence like ‘just toss him a boner’ as parting words and make it sound perfectly normal and borderline refined. Maybe it’s a linguistics thing. It’s the only plausible explanation he can think of.
Left alone and with a bit of time left to kill, he decides to venture into the building.
--
Much to his surprise, it’s Gaila who solves the riddle for him. She’s working on the elevator with Scotty when he shows up. “Hey, guys. What’d you do to the Enterprise this time?”
Scotty looks up and smiles at him. “Hello, lad. We were trying to add a warp drive to her.”
He shakes his head slowly. “Meaning…?”
“Rockets,” Scotty explains. “We were equipping her with rockets.”
“Ah, I see… How are you people allowed to do these things in school?” he asks. “Don’t the staff care that you guys are always breaking stuff and putting people’s lives at risk?”
“Not really. We’ve never killed anyone, and we always fix everything up afterwards,” Scotty replies, wiping sweat off his brows. “Can you pass me the polydrive, lass?” Then he turns back to Leonard. “You of all people should know that engineers are hands-on people.”
“Yes. Very hands-on,” Gaila agrees. Tossing the screwdriver to Scotty, she makes her way over to give him a hug and a kiss. At first, he used to shy away, but after seeing her a minimum of three times a week due to Jim’s schedule, he’s grown used to the affectionate gesture. “Hello, Leonard. Are you here to get Jim? Pike should be letting them out soon. Jim has been limping around a lot today. We thought you two finally had sex, but it did not look like a happy limp, so we decided we were wrong. You two are very slow.”
Leonard arches an eyebrow at the disapproval in her voice. “Excuse me? Seriously, why’s everyone encouraging us to have sex today? And what do you mean we’re ‘very slow’? We’re ‘very slow’ relative to what?”
She shrugs and tells him, “Very slow relative to everyone else. Even Pasha and Hikaru have had sex. We are all just waiting for you two now.”
Hazel eyes widen. “Sulu and Chekov had sex? Good god, the kid still thinks men can menstruate! Wait, how do you know all this?”
“It was very obvious. And they already left for their long weekend trip. Sulu is taking Pasha flying, so that probably means they will have a very fun weekend ahead of them. Everyone is enjoying themselves except you two. Why is that, Leonard? Do you not like Jim?”
He shakes his head. “No, it’s nothing like that-I mean, it’s just not like that between us.”
Gaila blinks, guileless. “Why not? Jim likes you a lot, and sex with Jim is great. I think you should try it.”
“The lass is right. It's definitely worth trying,” Scotty adds with a helpful grin.
Leonard’s face flushes. “Thanks, guys. I’ll keep that in mind.” Then quickly, he changes the subject. “Anyways, Jim gave me this riddle to solve earlier. Can you guys help me figure out what it is? What’s something you can blow that goes in hard and stiff then comes out soft and sticky?”
She tilts her head in contemplation for a moment. “Is it chewing gum?”
“Oh.” He feels like slapping himself. Why didn’t he think of gum? Clearly, his mind’s too deep in the gutter to even consider anything besides Jim’s penis. But how did Gaila manage to come up with chewing gum when she’d just been talking about sex? He decides to pass it off as an international student thing because his brain's in no condition to be answering complex questions. “Yeah, gum. That makes sense.”
“Or maybe it is Jim’s way of asking you for a blowjob,” she suggests with a thoughtful nod. “Yes, that also seems very plausible.”
“Text!”
14:28, J. Kirk to L. McCoy:
Are you here already? Pike actually let us out on time today! It’s time to gimp to freedom!
14:28, L. McCoy to J. Kirk:
Run, Forrest, run. I’ll be up in a minute.
Glad for the text and not wanting to take part in the conversation any longer, he shakes his head. “No, I’m pretty sure he was talking about gum.” He gives Gaila a goodbye kiss on the cheek and waves at Scotty. “Anyways, it looks like Jim’s out of class. I better go get him before he falls and breaks his neck down the stairs. Thanks for your help, darlin’. See you two later.”
“You should think about it, Leonard,” Gaila calls after him.
Oh, he thinks about it all the time, he doesn’t shout back.
--
Later that night, the two of them are going through their usual routine of drinking beer and watching whatever nonsense’s on TV-except Leonard’s not watching. He’s too distracted by the little voice inside his head that keeps saying, ‘What if the girls were right and Jim's hinting at something more?’ By the time he’s downed his fifth beer, it’s not just a little voice anymore-it’s turned into a full-blown protester with picket signs and the whole shebang.
Due to the insistent voice in his head, Leonard ends up just staring at Jim, trying to decide if the voice and everyone else from earlier was right. If they weren’t, then he’ll just be making an ass of himself. And he’s not sure he’s willing to jeopardize his friendship with Jim because of that.
The TV flickers to commercials and Jim turns to find him staring like a creeper. Before Leonard can look away and feign innocence, Jim suddenly leans in and kisses the words right out of his mouth. Jim tastes like beer, take-out, and something that's just distinctly Jim, he notes. It’s strangely addicting and Leonard wonders how he’s managed to do without it for so long.
After what felt like an instant, they break apart, panting. Eyes slightly glazed over, Jim mutters, “You shouldn’t be allowed to look like that, Bones.”
‘Yeah, well, you shouldn’t be allowed to kiss like that,’ he wants to say back, ‘or I’m going to keep wanting more.’
Blue eyes widen and Leonard realizes with horror that he’d voiced his thought out loud. He’s about to open his mouth to take back his words when Jim breaks into a sultry grin. “Why, Bones, if I’d known I could reel you in so easily, I would’ve done it a long time ago.”
At this point, he’s certain that his brain has lost all ability to filter his speech because he asks, “Then why didn’t you?”
“Because I didn’t want to scare you off,” Jim murmurs honestly and pulls him into another kiss. “I’d risk losing anyone but you.”
“Jim, you made me cross-dress with you that one Halloween. If that didn’t make me run off, then unless you turn into a sociopath, I doubt I’m going to leave any time soon.”
“I wish I’d thought of that earlier. Why didn’t you do anything?”
He admits, “I figured you didn’t want to. You’re not exactly shy when it comes to asking for things, Jim.”
There’s a pause, and then Jim smiles, lips mere millimetres away from his. The fucking tease. “Well then, now we just look silly, don’t we?”
“Yeah, we’re a pair of dumbasses. Now less talking and more kissing,” Leonard complains, because at that point, the alcohol and physics and thoughts of Jim’s penis are beginning to turn into a big, indistinguishable mess in his brain.
Jim chuckles but obeys, speaking in between kisses and roaming hands. “Never took you to be such a sweet talker, Bones.”
Leonard glares at him through half-lidded eyes and scowls, accent growing stronger with arousal. His hair’s dishevelled and lips slightly swollen. “And you’re a mouthy fucker, what’s your point?”
“God, you’re so hot like this,” Jim mutters into his neck, nibbling on it softly. Leonard involuntarily bucks his hips when he feels hands slipping into his pants. “Been waiting so long for this, Bones. You have no idea.” He leans in and whispers, voice hot and heavy, “I’m going to fuck you so hard you won’t be able to walk tomorrow,” then he pauses and adds, “but it’ll have to be over the bed because I still can’t bend my knees.”
Under normal circumstances, those last few words would’ve totally destroyed the mood, but deafened by lust and the hands stroking him, Leonard doesn’t even notice.
“Dammit, Jim, just shut up and do it already,” he challenges hotly.
Not needing to be spurred any further, Jim does just that.
--
Later, while lying in bed with a lazy, thoroughly content grin on his lips, Jim announces, “So I guess neither of us will be walking tomorrow.”
“I guess not,” Leonard mutters in sleepy agreement.
Jim asks him, “Did you ever figure out the answer to that riddle?”
“I think so. It's chewing gum, right?”
Shaking his head, Jim replies, “No. I told you it’s not what you’re thinking, Bones. Chewing gum’s way too obvious an answer, don’t you think?”
Leonard furrows his brows. Chewing gum’s not an obvious answer at all, he wants to say. It’s very far from being an obvious answer. But he’s not about to confess to thinking about Jim’s penis all day, so instead, he asks, “What is it then?”
“It's Captain Kirk,” Jim tells him.
“Your penis?”
He’s a little ashamed that he remembers the nickname Jim gave his penis.
Jim sounds pleased about that. “Hey, you remembered! I totally wanted you to spend your day thinking about Captain Kirk.”
It worked, but Leonard would sooner die than admit that to Jim. Instead, he huffs. “Unbelievable.”
“You know you love me for it.”
He can feel Jim grinning into his shoulder and closes his eyes. “Yeah, yeah. Now shut up and let me sleep or I’ll kick you in the knees.”
“Love you too, Bones.”
Leonard’s heart totally doesn’t skip a beat this time either.
Series: Star Trek AOS
Author:neko-fish
Pairings: Jim/Bones, Spock/Uhura, Sulu/Chekov
Rating: NC-17
Summary: In which scraped knees and dirty riddles are just a part of Leonard's everyday life. Modern day college AU.
“Phone, Bones! Phone, Bones! Pick up your phone, Bones! Your favourite person in the world’s calling you! Pick up your phone, Bones! Don't keep him waiting! This could be the single most important call of your life! Pick up your phone, Bones! (“Jim, you are aware that you are only allotted 20.16 seconds to record your personalized ringtone, right?”) What? Wait, what do you mean I only get twenty seconds to-”
“Phone, Bones-”
Leonard groans and gropes around his bag for his cell phone, eyes never leaving the TV screen. A couple weeks earlier, Jim Kirk, his best friend and royal pain in the ass, had somehow gotten his hands on his phone and recorded a ringtone for every single one of his contacts, and he had the gall to set up a password to prevent Leonard from changing them back.
Finally locating his phone, he answers the call.
“Hey, Bones! It’s Jim!”
He sighs. “I know, Jim. What do you want?”
“I hurt myself.”
That gets his attention. “What’d you do this time?”
“I flew out the door.”
Leonard blinks. “You did what now?”
“I did half a front-flip out the door.”
“You did half a front-flip out the door,” Leonard repeats, not comprehending the words. “Did you get drunk without me again?”
“No. I tripped on my way out the door. Can you come fix me?”
Heaving another sigh, he glances at the clock and asks, “Is anything broken?”
“No, I don’t think so.”
“Then it can wait until after my show. I’ll call you back in an hour.”
“But, Bones-”
Hanging up, Leonard sets his phone on silent and turns up the volume on his TV. Jim’s best friend he may be, but that doesn’t mean he’s about to miss an episode of his show because Jim tripped and scraped his knees. It’s one of the perks of being Jim Kirk’s best friend: it's desensitized him to the kid-over the phone anyways. He still doesn’t stand a chance against Jim’s guilt-tripping ways in real life, but he’s long since gotten over the guilt of hanging up on him. As far as he’s concerned, if Jim can call him to whine about it, then it’s nothing too serious.
During the commercial break, as expected, Jim hobbles through the door with a pout on his face and blood dripping down his legs. “You suck, Bones. Just to spite you, I’m going to drip blood all over your carpet and tell people you’re having your period.”
Leonard has to admit that he’s alarmed by the amount of blood running down Jim’s legs. It’s a little more than just a scraped knee, but still nothing that would require professional medical care. He gets up to fetch his first-aid kit, unimpressed by the threat. “You’ve already spilt blood and red wine on my carpet on multiple occasions, you unsanitary brat. I doubt anyone’s going to notice another blotch of red. By the way, if anyone’s having their period, it’s you. Maybe I should get you a tampon instead of band-aids. Go take a seat.”
Jim plops down onto the couch and stretches out his legs. He lets out a whine when Leonard begins cleaning the wounds. “Owie, Bones! That hurts! Can’t you be nicer?”
He arches an eyebrow. “Did you just say ‘owie’? How come you can handle broken ribs so much better than scraped knees? And why didn’t you clean this up yourself before coming over? You know there’s a first-aid kit under the sink at your place.”
The two of them are practically roommates even though they have separate dorms on opposite sides of the campus-all the better to 'divide and conquer,' as Jim put it. They manage to spend most pf their nights together, choosing which dorm to stay at depending on their morning classes’ location and the location of whichever pub they felt like drinking at. Leonard’s not too sure how it all happened, but then again, he hasn’t been sure of very much ever since the storm that is Jim Kirk entered his life.
Jim changed a lot of things in Leonard’s life-and most of it without consent. He changed Leonard’s name to ‘Bones’, he changed Leonard's mind on things Leonard didn’t even know he had opinions on, and he even changed the shower curtains because according to Jim, rockets and aliens are cooler than plain old checkered patterns.
“Because it stings, Bones! And I sort of did!” Jim protests loudly. “I even changed into shorts to make things easier for you!”
“You ripped your jeans?” he asks, rolling his eyes.
With a sad frown, Jim nods. “They were my favourite pair too.”
“Poor baby,” Leonard says with no sympathy whatsoever. “Why didn’t you at least slap on a band-aid instead of running across the campus like you got shot in the legs?”
“I couldn’t find band-aids big enough. And if you must know, I didn’t run-I hobbled across campus like a champ.”
“Of course you did.” Leonard nods slowly and takes out gauze pads and medical tape. “Oh, commercial’s over. You missed the first part. Three people were brought in to the ER. One of them has a rare form of cancer in his colon that they have to remove, the little girl’s slowly going blind for some reason, and this old lady suffered a stroke. So far, they’ve messed up on their terminology four times. Now be quiet and let me watch in peace.”
“You seriously suck, Bones. I can’t believe you’d rather count the number of medical errors they make on this show than come to my rescue.”
“Shush or I’ll punch you in the knees.”
--
“Bones, it hurts to walk! I can’t bend my knees! Why haven’t regenerators been invented yet?”
Leonard can’t help but feel a twinge of sympathy as he watches Jim hobbling around the dorm room. Jim has an uncanny ability to make him feel all sorts of emotions that he never wanted to feel-everything from unhealthily high levels of stress and anxiety to mellow love and affection. And somewhere in between foaming at the mouth and laughing until his stomach hurt, he fell for Jim fucking Kirk.
Rolling his eyes, he gets up. “Don’t ask me. You’re the one who's in engineering. Besides, even if those things get invented, I wouldn’t use one on you until it’s been proven safe for all humans and animals. What are you looking for? For Christ’s sake, sit down and stay put, you gimped infant.”
“I thought I left my leftover pizza here from last night but it’s not in the fridge,” Jim whines. He only whines that openly around people he’s comfortable with, a fact that Leonard’s both pleased and peeved about.
He frowns. “No. Why would your leftovers be here? We were at your dorm yesterday. And you ate the rest of it this morning, remember?”
Blinking slowly, Jim gives a nod of realization. “Oh, right. Whoops.”
“Good god, man, that fall knocked your brain right out of your head, didn’t it? If you’re hungry, I’ll make you something to eat, alright? Just stop walking around already. Don’t make me cripple you any further, Jim, because I will-and although I’ll deny it in court, I’ll enjoy doing it.”
Jim grins. “I love you too, Bones.”
Leonard’s heart totally doesn’t skip a beat at that.
--
“Ow, ow, ow, ow. Am I stuck? Yep. Stuck, stuck, stuck, totally stuck. This sucks!”
He cracks open an eye in annoyance. “What the fuck are you doing, Jim? It’s like…fifty hours too early for you to be up.”
“Shit,” Jim calls back from the bathroom, “sorry, Bones. I didn’t mean to wake you up. I’ve got morning class today and figured I ought to start hobbling to class a little earlier except I’m kind of stuck in the tub right now.”
“Do you need help?” Leonard slurs, only somewhat coherent.
“No, it’s fine, Bones. Just go back to sleep. I’ll see you later, okay?”
“M’kay,” he mutters, slipping back to sleep.
A minute later, he’s rudely awakened by Jim again. “Bones, Bones, Bones! I change my mind! Come help me! I’m stuck, and it’s cold!”
Leonard scowls and rolls out of bed, shivering at the sudden absence of his blanket. He has to remind himself that because he loves Jim and because he wants to be a doctor, tossing the toaster into the tub and electrocuting Jim’s definitely out of question-unfortunately.
He drags his feet over to the bathroom to see a very wet, naked Jim stranded in the middle of the bathtub. They have very little rules when it comes to clothes. The only one they try to live by is the ‘no cooking naked’ rule, and that only came about because of the ‘bacon incident’-something neither of them can talk about without cringing.
Luckily, he’s too out of it to properly blush and look away as he helps Jim out of the tub. “Couldn’t even be bothered to cover yourself up with a towel?”
“I couldn’t reach it,” is Jim’s rueful reply.
Yawning, Leonard tosses Jim his towel and mutters, “You’re going to get yourself sick like this, kid. Now, sit your ass down so I can patch you up and go back to sleep.”
“How come it’s still spewing blood and pus, Bones? Shouldn’t the wounds be closed by now?”
“Maybe it’s because you kept kicking me in your sleep last night,” Leonard complains, trying to keep his eyes opened.
He’s kneeling in front of Jim and cleaning the wounds when Jim suddenly speaks up, “Oh, this reminds me. I forgot to tell you yesterday.”
“Forgot to tell me what?” he asks blearily.
“A riddle,” Jim says.
“A riddle?” Leonard repeats, not comprehending the word.
“Yeah. I was totally on my way here to tell you this awesome riddle yesterday, but it must've slipped my mind when I destroyed my legs. Do you want to hear it?”
“Sure, why not?” He yawns again and finishes patching up the second knee.
“Are you sure you’re awake enough for this, Bones?” Jim asks.
Leonard shrugs.
“I guess I can always text it later to you as well. Riddle me this: ‘What can you blow that goes in hard and stiff, and comes out soft and sticky?’ If you can guess it by the end of the day without consulting the internet, I’ll give you a nice, big surprise.”
Too drowsy to even try to make sense of the riddle, Leonard shakes his head, eyes threatening to close on their own. “That’s too hard. I have no idea, kid. Is it a spatula? I bet it’s a spatula.” He stands up and attempts to make his way back to bed. “Excuse me while I go pass out.”
He has no recollection of anything that follows.
--
“Bones! Wake up! It’s time to wake up! You’re going to be late for class or something! Bones! Bones! Bones! Wake up! Wake up!”
“Shut up, Jim,” he groans and rolls onto his side.
“Bones! Wake up! It’s time to wake up! You’re-”
Leonard opens his eyes when he realizes that it’s his phone’s alarm yelling at him. Turning it off, he takes a deep breath and contemplates crawling out of bed. To procrastinate, he decides to check his messages first.
21:05, H. Sulu to L. McCoy:
Pasha said he saw Jim walking around with blood running down his legs. What’s that about?
09:45, L. McCoy to H. Sulu:
Sorry, phone was on silent. Jim’s just on his period. Don’t worry about it.
06:37, C. Chapel to L. McCoy:
Our organic chem. exam’s not ‘til next week, right?
09:46, L. McCoy to C. Chapel:
Yep. See you in physics.
06:50, J. Kirk to L. McCoy:
Just a written reminder of the riddle you’re supposed to solve:
What can you blow that goes in hard and stiff, and comes out soft and sticky?
Leonard spends a long minute staring at Jim’s message, feeling more awake with every passing second as he rereads the riddle yet again. It’s thanks to the message that he finds the motivation needed to get out of bed. In fact, he’s so motivated that he jumps out of bed and makes a bee-line to the bathroom to take a long cold shower.
While showering, he grumbles to himself about he’s going to spend the rest of the day trying to solve the riddle while not thinking about Jim’s penis-penis, not ‘dick’, because he’s in pre-med and refuses to use anything but proper anatomical terms for body parts.
--
After the endless torment that was physics class, Leonard leaves the lecture hall feeling dazed and confused. Along with Christine Chapel and Geoffrey M’Benga, the three of them stumble out into the sunlight with uncomprehending expressions on their faces. When sunlight hits his eyes, he snaps out of his physics-induced coma and shields his eyes from the rays.
“Guys, we are fucked,” he tells the two in defeat.
Christine rolls her eyes. “You’re not allowed to say that, Leonard. You’ve got an array of private tutors from the engineering faculty to choose from. If anyone should be complaining, it should be us.”
“No. No, that’s not necessarily true,” Leonard protests. “Have you ever listened to them talk physics? They live and breathe equations. It’s like a different language altogether. Chekov and Spock just start rambling on about…numbers and stuff. Scotty’s never sober once he leaves the building. And Gaila and Jim are both too distracting to be effective tutors-and Jim’s also a rambler. He’s good for the first hour, but then he gets so excited about the numbers he starts just rambling on and on and then ends up writing equations all over the bathroom mirror.”
He actually really likes it when Jim gets his geek on, but he'd sooner die than admit it out loud.
Geoff gives him a sympathetic pat on the back. “It’s alright, Leonard. You can join our study party and try to figure out what all those Greek letters stand for with the rest of us.”
“Thanks, Geoff.”
Leonard gets distracted when his phone suddenly shouts “Text!” in Jim’s voice.
15:32, J. Kirk to L. McCoy:
Bones, would you be so kind as to come make sure I don’t roll down the stairs and die later? Scotty and them broke the Enterprise again. I should get out in an hour-ish. But it’s Pike, so he might go overtime as usual.
The Enterprise is the name that the engineering faculty affectionately gave the elevator in their building. The students there have done so many experiments and broken the poor elevator so many times that it’s become their faculty mascot-the epitome of experimentation and trial and error. He actually really likes the engineering faculty at Starfleet University. It’s full of the most diverse and brilliant people he’s ever met, crazy as they are-and that includes Jim.
Poor temporarily incapacitated Jim.
Leonard sighs and tells his friends, “So Jim went and crippled himself-again. And those crazy engineering bastards went and destroyed the elevator-again. So now I have to go pick him up from class to make sure he doesn’t trip down the stairs and die-again.”
Christine smiles. “Same old, same old, hmm?”
“Same old, same old,” he repeats in agreement.
15:35, L. McCoy to J. Kirk:
Fine. I’ll be there. Try not to die until then.
15:36, J. Kirk to L. McCoy:
You’re awesome, Bones. By the way, Chekov suddenly started asking me if men could menstruate. Any idea what that’s about?
He snickers.
15:37, L. McCoy to J. Kirk:
Absolutely no idea. Maybe it’s a Russian thing.
15:38, J. Kirk to L. McCoy:
Maybe. How goes the riddle solving?
Hint: It’s not what you’re thinking.
In amidst the never-ending formulae about energy and force, Leonard had completely forgotten about the riddle.
If it’s not what he’s thinking, then does that mean it’s not Jim’s penis?
He turns to his friends and asks, “Hey, do you guys have any idea what’s something you can blow that goes in hard and stiff then comes out soft and sticky?”
Geoff coughs politely and looks away.
Christine frowns. “Leonard, I know you and Jim have stockpiled enough sexual tension to repopulate the Earth, and I don’t have anything against it, but if that was your subtle way of telling us that you two finally got together, then congrats, it’s about time, but that’s way too much information.”
Face heating up, he stutters, “No! That’s not what I-I was just-no! No! There’s no stockpiling! There’s no stockpiling anything!”
“It’s okay, Leonard. We have nothing against it. We’ve actually been waiting for it to happen,” Geoff reassures him.
“That’s not helping! It’s not like that!” he squawks. “It was just a riddle he asked me this morning!”
“Are you sure this isn’t,” Christine shrugs, “oh, I don’t know, Jim’s way of hinting at his dick and how you should maybe,” another shrug, “you know, blow him? That’s what it sounds like to me. You think so too, right, Geoff? He’s not even being subtle about it.”
Geoff nods, looking somewhat apologetic. “Sorry, Leonard, but she’s right. It’s kind of obvious that he’s got a thing for you. And you’re the one who's always going on about how Jim’s a ‘cunning bastard’. If he wanted you to think about his penis all day, he succeeded, didn’t he?”
“And you got us thinking about it too. Thanks for that.” She smirks. “I think it’s about time Jim made a move.”
“I’m surprised he didn’t do anything sooner,” Geoff says in agreement.
Christine laughs. “I bet he was waiting for Leonard to make the first move but then realized that Leonard’s too much of a vag to do it.”
“Did you really just call him a vag, Christine? Isn’t that kind of sexist?”
“It’s alright. If Leonard doesn’t like it, he can just suck my non-existent dick-or Jim’s existing one.”
Leonard opens and closes his mouth a few times like a fish out of water. He’s torn between throwing his books at his so called 'friends' and screaming in embarrassment. The latter wins out. “You people suck!” Then he realizes what he’d said and tries to correct himself, “No, wait, I didn’t mean-”
But it’s too late and the damage has been done.
Christine has a positively feral grin on her lips. “No, Leonard. You suck. More specifically: Jim’s dick.”
He has to admit that he walked right into that one. But to be fair, his brain’s still impaired from too much physics, and fending off verbal attacks from his friends hadn’t exactly been on his to-do list. To cover up his embarrassment, he frowns. “I can’t believe Roger lets you kiss him with that mouth, Christine.”
She arches a brow. “Are we really going to go there, Leonard? This whole ‘mouth’ business?”
“No,” he quickly replies. He wishes he was in Geoff’s position and had the luxury of watching and laughing from the sidelines. “We are not going anywhere, and there will be no business of any sort because I refuse to continue having this conversation with you. Now, I’m going to go make sure Jim doesn’t kill himself and I don’t want to hear another word from either of you!”
“You’re such a vag-”
“Dammit, Christine, not another word!”
Running off with his hands over his ears, he'll later admit that it wasn't exactly the proudest moment of his life.
--
In front of the engineering building, he spots Nyota Uhura whose first name still eludes Jim. She’s sitting on a bench when she notices him and waves for him to join her. Glad to talk to someone who won’t call him a ‘vag’, he takes a seat and says, “Hello, darlin'. Waiting for Spock?”
She nods. “Yes, we have plans to visit his family for the long weekend.”
“Oh? Where’s he from again?”
“Vulcan, Alberta. It’s up in Canada.”
For some reason, he always found the idea of stoic, stoic Spock being Canadian strange. Aren’t Canadians supposed to be happy and friendly? If anything, Leonard would’ve found it easier to accept the idea that the guy was from a different planet rather than Canada. But because he knows better than to badmouth Spock in front of Nyota, he simply nods. “Right. Canada.”
“Are you waiting for Kirk?” she asks.
Leonard heaves a sigh and tries not to think of his parting conversation with Christine and Geoffrey. “Yeah. He’s kind of gimped right now. I told him I’d come make sure he doesn’t get himself killed while attempting to hobble down all those stairs. Scotty destroyed the Enterprise again, apparently.”
“Ah, I see.”
There’s a comfortable moment of silence between the two.
“You know, Leonard, you really should just throw the poor boy a boner,” Nyota suddenly says.
He blinks. “Wow. That came out of nowhere. Wait, did you just call Jim a ‘poor boy’?”
She shrugs. “Don’t let him know I called him that. I just feel kind of bad for him. Kirk must really be head over heels for you if he’s still crushing on you after all these years. I mean, it’s pretty obvious that the two of you have been pining after each other since first year. But for some reason, neither of you have made the move to get together.”
Then his brain, still sluggish from the physics overload earlier, catches up and registers all the words from the first sentence. He does a double-take. “Wait, did you just use the word ‘boner’, Nyota? Jesus Christ, I never thought I’d hear you say something so vulgar.”
Nyota arches an eyebrow in a frighteningly similar manner to Spock and reprimands him like his teacher used to, “You’re falling behind in the conversation, Leonard.”
“Sorry, my brain’s not functioning properly right now. Jim kept kicking me in his sleep last night and then he woke me up at god knows what hour this morning because he got stuck in the tub, and then I had to sit through a three hour physics lecture in which I didn’t understand anything. And you just used the word ‘boner’ in a sentence,” he explains.
“I figured you’d appreciate it more than me saying ‘just throw the poor boy your erect penis.’ Was I wrong? Or perhaps you wanted me to say it in a different language?”
Leonard quickly shakes his head. “No, no, you’re absolutely right. It’s very much appreciated. Thank you for not telling me to throw my erect penis at people-in any language.”
She seems satisfied with his answer and smiles. “That’s what I thought. But really, you and Kirk should just go out already. It was cute to watch at first, but now, it’s getting kind of sad.”
He has no idea how she manages to say everything so perfectly seriously, but she manages, and she manages to do it well. “Why is everyone suddenly telling me to hook up with Jim today?”
“I didn’t say ‘hook up’, Leonard. That would imply impermanence. I said ‘go out’ as in an official date. I think it’d turn out quite well for the both of you. And it’s a long weekend; why not make the most of it?”
Just as he's about to answer, his phone goes off.
“Bones, your handheld device is ringing. Someone is attempting to establish contact with you via your cellular phone. The logical course of action would be to pick it up. (“I do not understand why you find it so humorous to attempt to imitate my speech pattern, Jim.”) Your phone will ring for 20.16 seconds before directing the caller to your voice mail-”
“Hello?” he answers. “Yeah, she’s right here. No, it’s fine. What? He’s saying ‘ouchies’ now? Don’t worry about it. I’ll go get him later. Thanks. Bye.” After hanging up, he turns to Nyota. “Your Canadian boyfriend’s on his way here.”
Nyota doesn’t reply.
Suddenly, his phone goes off again.
“Bones! There’s a really hot girl with a really talented tongue on the phone just waiting to talk to you! It’s Uhura-damn-that-tongue-if-she-hears-this-she’ll-probably-cuss-me-out-in-twenty-different-languages! It’s Uhura-how-come-she-told-you-her-first-name-but-not-me-but-whatever-I’ll-totally-get-it-eventually! It’s Uhura-who’s-going-out-with-Spock-who-would’ve-thought-don’t give me that look, Spock. It’s not like I’m saying anything bad about her. Anyways, you really should pick up-”
Leonard looks over at her with an arched brow.
She shrugs, unapologetic. “I wanted to hear what he recorded for my ringtone.” Then turning back to the subject at hand, she says, “Just think about it, Leonard. The two of you obviously have feelings for each other, so why not just go for it?”
The door opens and Spock appears, clearly waiting for them to finish their conversation. Leonard rubs the back of his neck sheepishly. “Hey, before you go, do you have any idea what this riddle means? Jim told it to me earlier. What’s something you can blow that goes in hard and stiff then comes out soft and sticky?”
He watches as her eyebrow shoots up. Then much to his horror, she glances over at Spock and then downwards. Leonard decides that that’s way more information than he needed to know and hastily shakes his head. “Never mind. I’ll ask someone else. You shouldn’t keep Spock waiting. Have fun in Canada, darlin’.”
Nyota nods and makes her way towards her boyfriend, but then she turns around and asks, “Are you sure it’s supposed to be a riddle and not just Kirk’s way of hinting at something, Leonard?”
He doesn’t answer her.
“Just toss him a boner, Leonard.” she says once more before walking away. “I’ll see you next week.”
Leonard’s convinced he’ll never understand how she manages to use a sentence like ‘just toss him a boner’ as parting words and make it sound perfectly normal and borderline refined. Maybe it’s a linguistics thing. It’s the only plausible explanation he can think of.
Left alone and with a bit of time left to kill, he decides to venture into the building.
--
Much to his surprise, it’s Gaila who solves the riddle for him. She’s working on the elevator with Scotty when he shows up. “Hey, guys. What’d you do to the Enterprise this time?”
Scotty looks up and smiles at him. “Hello, lad. We were trying to add a warp drive to her.”
He shakes his head slowly. “Meaning…?”
“Rockets,” Scotty explains. “We were equipping her with rockets.”
“Ah, I see… How are you people allowed to do these things in school?” he asks. “Don’t the staff care that you guys are always breaking stuff and putting people’s lives at risk?”
“Not really. We’ve never killed anyone, and we always fix everything up afterwards,” Scotty replies, wiping sweat off his brows. “Can you pass me the polydrive, lass?” Then he turns back to Leonard. “You of all people should know that engineers are hands-on people.”
“Yes. Very hands-on,” Gaila agrees. Tossing the screwdriver to Scotty, she makes her way over to give him a hug and a kiss. At first, he used to shy away, but after seeing her a minimum of three times a week due to Jim’s schedule, he’s grown used to the affectionate gesture. “Hello, Leonard. Are you here to get Jim? Pike should be letting them out soon. Jim has been limping around a lot today. We thought you two finally had sex, but it did not look like a happy limp, so we decided we were wrong. You two are very slow.”
Leonard arches an eyebrow at the disapproval in her voice. “Excuse me? Seriously, why’s everyone encouraging us to have sex today? And what do you mean we’re ‘very slow’? We’re ‘very slow’ relative to what?”
She shrugs and tells him, “Very slow relative to everyone else. Even Pasha and Hikaru have had sex. We are all just waiting for you two now.”
Hazel eyes widen. “Sulu and Chekov had sex? Good god, the kid still thinks men can menstruate! Wait, how do you know all this?”
“It was very obvious. And they already left for their long weekend trip. Sulu is taking Pasha flying, so that probably means they will have a very fun weekend ahead of them. Everyone is enjoying themselves except you two. Why is that, Leonard? Do you not like Jim?”
He shakes his head. “No, it’s nothing like that-I mean, it’s just not like that between us.”
Gaila blinks, guileless. “Why not? Jim likes you a lot, and sex with Jim is great. I think you should try it.”
“The lass is right. It's definitely worth trying,” Scotty adds with a helpful grin.
Leonard’s face flushes. “Thanks, guys. I’ll keep that in mind.” Then quickly, he changes the subject. “Anyways, Jim gave me this riddle to solve earlier. Can you guys help me figure out what it is? What’s something you can blow that goes in hard and stiff then comes out soft and sticky?”
She tilts her head in contemplation for a moment. “Is it chewing gum?”
“Oh.” He feels like slapping himself. Why didn’t he think of gum? Clearly, his mind’s too deep in the gutter to even consider anything besides Jim’s penis. But how did Gaila manage to come up with chewing gum when she’d just been talking about sex? He decides to pass it off as an international student thing because his brain's in no condition to be answering complex questions. “Yeah, gum. That makes sense.”
“Or maybe it is Jim’s way of asking you for a blowjob,” she suggests with a thoughtful nod. “Yes, that also seems very plausible.”
“Text!”
14:28, J. Kirk to L. McCoy:
Are you here already? Pike actually let us out on time today! It’s time to gimp to freedom!
14:28, L. McCoy to J. Kirk:
Run, Forrest, run. I’ll be up in a minute.
Glad for the text and not wanting to take part in the conversation any longer, he shakes his head. “No, I’m pretty sure he was talking about gum.” He gives Gaila a goodbye kiss on the cheek and waves at Scotty. “Anyways, it looks like Jim’s out of class. I better go get him before he falls and breaks his neck down the stairs. Thanks for your help, darlin’. See you two later.”
“You should think about it, Leonard,” Gaila calls after him.
Oh, he thinks about it all the time, he doesn’t shout back.
--
Later that night, the two of them are going through their usual routine of drinking beer and watching whatever nonsense’s on TV-except Leonard’s not watching. He’s too distracted by the little voice inside his head that keeps saying, ‘What if the girls were right and Jim's hinting at something more?’ By the time he’s downed his fifth beer, it’s not just a little voice anymore-it’s turned into a full-blown protester with picket signs and the whole shebang.
Due to the insistent voice in his head, Leonard ends up just staring at Jim, trying to decide if the voice and everyone else from earlier was right. If they weren’t, then he’ll just be making an ass of himself. And he’s not sure he’s willing to jeopardize his friendship with Jim because of that.
The TV flickers to commercials and Jim turns to find him staring like a creeper. Before Leonard can look away and feign innocence, Jim suddenly leans in and kisses the words right out of his mouth. Jim tastes like beer, take-out, and something that's just distinctly Jim, he notes. It’s strangely addicting and Leonard wonders how he’s managed to do without it for so long.
After what felt like an instant, they break apart, panting. Eyes slightly glazed over, Jim mutters, “You shouldn’t be allowed to look like that, Bones.”
‘Yeah, well, you shouldn’t be allowed to kiss like that,’ he wants to say back, ‘or I’m going to keep wanting more.’
Blue eyes widen and Leonard realizes with horror that he’d voiced his thought out loud. He’s about to open his mouth to take back his words when Jim breaks into a sultry grin. “Why, Bones, if I’d known I could reel you in so easily, I would’ve done it a long time ago.”
At this point, he’s certain that his brain has lost all ability to filter his speech because he asks, “Then why didn’t you?”
“Because I didn’t want to scare you off,” Jim murmurs honestly and pulls him into another kiss. “I’d risk losing anyone but you.”
“Jim, you made me cross-dress with you that one Halloween. If that didn’t make me run off, then unless you turn into a sociopath, I doubt I’m going to leave any time soon.”
“I wish I’d thought of that earlier. Why didn’t you do anything?”
He admits, “I figured you didn’t want to. You’re not exactly shy when it comes to asking for things, Jim.”
There’s a pause, and then Jim smiles, lips mere millimetres away from his. The fucking tease. “Well then, now we just look silly, don’t we?”
“Yeah, we’re a pair of dumbasses. Now less talking and more kissing,” Leonard complains, because at that point, the alcohol and physics and thoughts of Jim’s penis are beginning to turn into a big, indistinguishable mess in his brain.
Jim chuckles but obeys, speaking in between kisses and roaming hands. “Never took you to be such a sweet talker, Bones.”
Leonard glares at him through half-lidded eyes and scowls, accent growing stronger with arousal. His hair’s dishevelled and lips slightly swollen. “And you’re a mouthy fucker, what’s your point?”
“God, you’re so hot like this,” Jim mutters into his neck, nibbling on it softly. Leonard involuntarily bucks his hips when he feels hands slipping into his pants. “Been waiting so long for this, Bones. You have no idea.” He leans in and whispers, voice hot and heavy, “I’m going to fuck you so hard you won’t be able to walk tomorrow,” then he pauses and adds, “but it’ll have to be over the bed because I still can’t bend my knees.”
Under normal circumstances, those last few words would’ve totally destroyed the mood, but deafened by lust and the hands stroking him, Leonard doesn’t even notice.
“Dammit, Jim, just shut up and do it already,” he challenges hotly.
Not needing to be spurred any further, Jim does just that.
--
Later, while lying in bed with a lazy, thoroughly content grin on his lips, Jim announces, “So I guess neither of us will be walking tomorrow.”
“I guess not,” Leonard mutters in sleepy agreement.
Jim asks him, “Did you ever figure out the answer to that riddle?”
“I think so. It's chewing gum, right?”
Shaking his head, Jim replies, “No. I told you it’s not what you’re thinking, Bones. Chewing gum’s way too obvious an answer, don’t you think?”
Leonard furrows his brows. Chewing gum’s not an obvious answer at all, he wants to say. It’s very far from being an obvious answer. But he’s not about to confess to thinking about Jim’s penis all day, so instead, he asks, “What is it then?”
“It's Captain Kirk,” Jim tells him.
“Your penis?”
He’s a little ashamed that he remembers the nickname Jim gave his penis.
Jim sounds pleased about that. “Hey, you remembered! I totally wanted you to spend your day thinking about Captain Kirk.”
It worked, but Leonard would sooner die than admit that to Jim. Instead, he huffs. “Unbelievable.”
“You know you love me for it.”
He can feel Jim grinning into his shoulder and closes his eyes. “Yeah, yeah. Now shut up and let me sleep or I’ll kick you in the knees.”
“Love you too, Bones.”
Leonard’s heart totally doesn’t skip a beat this time either.