Yes, dammit, it IS going to be all about me.
Earlier today, it was brought up by mi madre that as I will not be doing the September show and needing her help, she may go to MI to see family. Fair 'nuff.
She then asked me if I would reconsider and go back into plans to go up there with her.
"I... kinda would rather wait and see if I have any money left by Christmas to do so. I'm worried there may be more costly surprises around cars and house, and want to be sure I get my studio what it needs."
She was upset, because I haven't seen family (or friends) in going on five years now other than the few who managed to make it down here. She spoke of keeping 'ties' and asked if I'd thought my priorities through.
My answer, a bit loud, and excited/agitated, but I am hoping not actually too badly so was:
"I have been thinking about my priorities, yes. I love my family, I love my friends, I miss them all, from the ones in MI to Shan, who I haven't seen in far too long either. But mom, how long have I wanted to have a studio of my own? An actual *set place* to work, with the right equipment?
I've been waiting for DECADES. Well maybe not multiple decades, but over a single decade. When we moved to Canyon Lake, the doublewide we bought, remember, I wanted to turn the old barn into a studio, but couldn't because of the flooding problems. I wished to be able to turn the single wide on the property into one, but we had to rent it to meet the bills. When we moved to MI, we were in the townhouse where I took over the basement and spare room, but those weren't actual set spaces, and they were full of other things, and I didn't have any equipment, all I did really was a little beading maybe, and hoarding of crafty stuff.
When we bought the house on Wealthy Street, the basement room was going to be my studio- or maybe the attic. But then we had to rent out the top floor instead of you living there while I lived on the bottom floor, and so the studio-basement-room became my bedroom. This left the anteroom of the basement, which had about enough room for a card table, and poor lighting, almost no heating in winter, definitely no air conditioning in summer, and for ventilation only the outside door which we could not keep open to just the screen without being worried about having a break-in.
Now there is a building out back. It's going to be my studio. But every time we talk, you are worried about the cost and reminding me that we *don't* have that much money from That-Guy-Who-Owed-Us-Lots, after paying off some debts, and that you put a chunk of what WAS left into CD's, and that everything has been more costly than planned, in part, yes, because I've proven to be pretty useless at working on things and putting labor in myself.
There is a lot of 'wished for' things I do not need, that we have talked about, yes, but remember all those things we've talked about that ARE absolutely still needed if I am going to get anywhere and actively DO what I want to do there? We have MOST glass supplies, but I am going to need to order a few more sheets of glass, those are costly, I'm going to need the diamond pads for grinding off burrs, those cost $100 for the set, as they are genuine industrial DIAMOND pads. I'm going to need a grinder that will cost somewhere between $75 and $150. And those are just the things I am remembering now off the top of my head.
Now, I can wait a while on those, admittedly, because I can still PAINT in the building once we get the temporary $70 sink we picked up in there. But I probably will need a heavier duty sink for future projects too, and we need the shelving- whether it's built wooden shelving or industrial metal shelving, that's still going to cost *something*.
There is stuff I still /need/ to make it a functioning studio where projects can be completed, and supplies can be stored. And with the way things have been going on this summer with car bills and now electrical problems, no, I do not feel that spending several hundred dollars for a trip is what I want to prioritize. I might need that money to make the studio work.
I hope, that my family and my friends love me and will understand that this is something I have GOT to see through now, because if it gets stalled because we run out of money before things that are NEEDED can be attained, I am going to be staring at, every day in the backyard, an ALMOST reached dream of mine.
And I'd rather be optimistic and say that once the studio is DONE, I can produce. And what I produce, I can sell, and maybe, just maybe, that will earn me money with which I can TOTALLY go visit the people I love who are distant. I'd rather be patient and hope they are patient for another year or two. It could be that won't happen, it might wind up like the tee-shirt idea, but I have to try this.
And I think it will be a lot less crushing to me if I get to at least see a LITTLE more of that dream I've had since I was fourteen, and have the studio, but it doesn't help my finances, than to take a trip, and then perhaps find out that I'm stuck with a non-functioning studio out back where I can't actually do some projects that I hope, somewhere, will help me find my feet, and will inevitably mean that I won't be seeing anyone who doesn't come *here* for another five years, while also not having my freaking studio to work freely in."
Her response was basically "Well, sounds like you HAVE thought it through. And... I think you might be prioritizing right."
So... yeah. If I don't make it up there even for Christmas, I am sorry. I love my family, I love my friends, but I really want to make SURE I have a chance to try doing what I damn well have wanted to do for once. Hopefully after I get the studio finished enough that at least some glass stuff and the painting can be done, there will be something left over for tickets.
If that's not the case, then hopefully I can not just MAKE things, but get them to sell more readily, and be able to get tickets that way.
If that doesn't pan out, then maybe I will kick myself in the teeth for having tossed aside this opportunity to see people, but I'm going to be optimistic and hope that things WILL fall into place when I finally have MY place.
She then asked me if I would reconsider and go back into plans to go up there with her.
"I... kinda would rather wait and see if I have any money left by Christmas to do so. I'm worried there may be more costly surprises around cars and house, and want to be sure I get my studio what it needs."
She was upset, because I haven't seen family (or friends) in going on five years now other than the few who managed to make it down here. She spoke of keeping 'ties' and asked if I'd thought my priorities through.
My answer, a bit loud, and excited/agitated, but I am hoping not actually too badly so was:
"I have been thinking about my priorities, yes. I love my family, I love my friends, I miss them all, from the ones in MI to Shan, who I haven't seen in far too long either. But mom, how long have I wanted to have a studio of my own? An actual *set place* to work, with the right equipment?
I've been waiting for DECADES. Well maybe not multiple decades, but over a single decade. When we moved to Canyon Lake, the doublewide we bought, remember, I wanted to turn the old barn into a studio, but couldn't because of the flooding problems. I wished to be able to turn the single wide on the property into one, but we had to rent it to meet the bills. When we moved to MI, we were in the townhouse where I took over the basement and spare room, but those weren't actual set spaces, and they were full of other things, and I didn't have any equipment, all I did really was a little beading maybe, and hoarding of crafty stuff.
When we bought the house on Wealthy Street, the basement room was going to be my studio- or maybe the attic. But then we had to rent out the top floor instead of you living there while I lived on the bottom floor, and so the studio-basement-room became my bedroom. This left the anteroom of the basement, which had about enough room for a card table, and poor lighting, almost no heating in winter, definitely no air conditioning in summer, and for ventilation only the outside door which we could not keep open to just the screen without being worried about having a break-in.
Now there is a building out back. It's going to be my studio. But every time we talk, you are worried about the cost and reminding me that we *don't* have that much money from That-Guy-Who-Owed-Us-Lots, after paying off some debts, and that you put a chunk of what WAS left into CD's, and that everything has been more costly than planned, in part, yes, because I've proven to be pretty useless at working on things and putting labor in myself.
There is a lot of 'wished for' things I do not need, that we have talked about, yes, but remember all those things we've talked about that ARE absolutely still needed if I am going to get anywhere and actively DO what I want to do there? We have MOST glass supplies, but I am going to need to order a few more sheets of glass, those are costly, I'm going to need the diamond pads for grinding off burrs, those cost $100 for the set, as they are genuine industrial DIAMOND pads. I'm going to need a grinder that will cost somewhere between $75 and $150. And those are just the things I am remembering now off the top of my head.
Now, I can wait a while on those, admittedly, because I can still PAINT in the building once we get the temporary $70 sink we picked up in there. But I probably will need a heavier duty sink for future projects too, and we need the shelving- whether it's built wooden shelving or industrial metal shelving, that's still going to cost *something*.
There is stuff I still /need/ to make it a functioning studio where projects can be completed, and supplies can be stored. And with the way things have been going on this summer with car bills and now electrical problems, no, I do not feel that spending several hundred dollars for a trip is what I want to prioritize. I might need that money to make the studio work.
I hope, that my family and my friends love me and will understand that this is something I have GOT to see through now, because if it gets stalled because we run out of money before things that are NEEDED can be attained, I am going to be staring at, every day in the backyard, an ALMOST reached dream of mine.
And I'd rather be optimistic and say that once the studio is DONE, I can produce. And what I produce, I can sell, and maybe, just maybe, that will earn me money with which I can TOTALLY go visit the people I love who are distant. I'd rather be patient and hope they are patient for another year or two. It could be that won't happen, it might wind up like the tee-shirt idea, but I have to try this.
And I think it will be a lot less crushing to me if I get to at least see a LITTLE more of that dream I've had since I was fourteen, and have the studio, but it doesn't help my finances, than to take a trip, and then perhaps find out that I'm stuck with a non-functioning studio out back where I can't actually do some projects that I hope, somewhere, will help me find my feet, and will inevitably mean that I won't be seeing anyone who doesn't come *here* for another five years, while also not having my freaking studio to work freely in."
Her response was basically "Well, sounds like you HAVE thought it through. And... I think you might be prioritizing right."
So... yeah. If I don't make it up there even for Christmas, I am sorry. I love my family, I love my friends, but I really want to make SURE I have a chance to try doing what I damn well have wanted to do for once. Hopefully after I get the studio finished enough that at least some glass stuff and the painting can be done, there will be something left over for tickets.
If that's not the case, then hopefully I can not just MAKE things, but get them to sell more readily, and be able to get tickets that way.
If that doesn't pan out, then maybe I will kick myself in the teeth for having tossed aside this opportunity to see people, but I'm going to be optimistic and hope that things WILL fall into place when I finally have MY place.