if you were a kiss, i would be a hug and if you were the floor, I'de want to be the rug**
These past two days have been so emotional man.. fight after fight with andrew. I sunk pretty deep down today, felt blacker then I have felt for awhile...wanted actually to see red but that alternative is something that tries to comes into play but stays on the bench instead... I want things to be better, especially because we have so much to look forward to. I felt unloved which is a feeling that doesnt just not sit well but completely consumes me.. If I was in an ocean that feeling alone would become a weight on my toe with huge chain links. I hate being alone, if the time ever comes im not sure that i will last very long. Oh and I'm crazy... Seriously, considering going to college for psychology could be considered a joke in some countries... And if people could read my insides I'm pretty sure I would bomb any job interview in the world.. "you...want to help other people...is this a joke?" absoulutely not.
Im crazy
and I want to help crazy people
or maybe I just want to surround myself with crazier people than myself so I look the sanest.. I don't really understand my motives completely whether its a selfless or selfish act...a little bit of both maybe.
I talked to my brother today, he offered for me to come live with him in california. If I were single I would do it in a heart beat. but I'm not and I wish he wouldnt have asked me because now its an option for me somewhere in outerspace. And On days when I hate my life and I'm thinking about the cooler things I'de rather be doing I'm going to peak over at cali's lawn and think to myself "how come their grass is greener than mine?" Will I ever settle *shakes head* I'm going to regret things when I'm 80 I can feel it.
I also talked to my sister yesterday. I miss her little crack headed ass. She is crazy ... crazier than me :)
And I miss her<3
I want drugs lately...thats stupid, I'm aware...but it's a reoccuring thought. Drugs, cutting, self distructive behavior.. Maybe it's because things arent complicated enough, I STRIVE ON COMPLICATION, stress, being sad... eh, i make myself want to spit.
OK and here we go:
Once apon a time there was this insect named bug. His parents died in a car accident when he was very young and so he was never told what exactly he was or where he came from. Bug was very sweet and other insects didn't mind taking him in because of how polite and helpful he was. In his early years he lived with a family of ants. He became a very hard worker and when other ants asked him what kind of insect he was he would reply "I work like an ant and eat like ant, so I must be an ant" And the other ants excepted this answer and treated him like they would treat any of their own kin. One day while on a picnic table, bug was collecting bread crumbs to feed his family when he was approached by a little insect with huge pinchers. "What are you suppose to be?" Bug asked cautiously. And the insect replied "I'm an ant lion, what are you?" "Well, I'm an ant!" said bug. The ant lion looked him up and down and said "there is no way in hell your an ant." "Yes I am!" said bug, "I work like an ant and eat like an ant so I must be an ant" The ant lion chuckled and said "look man, I am an ant contasuer, and YOU, are not an ant." Bug felt confused and upset and asked "well,, what am I then?" And the ant lion thought about this for a minute.... "maybe your an antlion too!" "No way" Bug said, "I would NEVER eat an ant!" Taken back the antlion replied, "are you crazy! ants are delicious... hang with me kid and I'll show you the way" Unconvinced Bug said "I don't think so, I love the ants... they have been nothing but good to me" "They can still be good to you" said the ant lion "in your mouth, they taste great! plus, if you eat enough of them, you will grow wings and then we can fly around all day long and have fun together" Astonished, Bug pointed to himself and said "I....can grow wings?" "Yep! if you eat enough ants!" said the antlion. "come with me, I'll take care of you..I'll show you the ropes and everything" Bug, feeling facinated that one day he would be able to fly followed the Ant lion all the way to his home.
The Ant lion and Bug made plenty of ant traps.. Bug felt bad at first eating what use to be his brothers and sisters, but the thought of having wings motivated him to eat more. Plus him and the antlion got along really well and Bug felt like he must really be an antlion for them to have become such good friends. While making a sand pit one day another insect appoached bug. "What are you suppose to be?" Bug asked this fairly larger insect. "I'm a praying Mantis, what are you?" "I'm an antlion!" said bug confidently, "I'm going to have wings someday and fly around with my friends" The praying mantis shook his head " you most certainly are NOT an antlion" "What?? yes I am, I eat ants and I build pits, I must be an antlion!" "Trust me man, your not an antlion and your definitely not going to get wings when you get older, I promise" Distraught, Bug asked "well, what am I?" "You could be a praying Mantis" The large insect said. "I mean, we do all sorts of fun things like climb, hang upside down, oh! and you'll never die because it's against the law for anything to kill you" "REALLY!" said Bug, "I've always been so terrified of death and I have never been upside down before." "You roll with me man and we can hang upside down all day long" said the mantis. "Sold!" Bug said happily while following the praying mantis away from the pit.
Bug learned how to eat leaves, which he felt less bad about as opposed to the ants and the first time he went upside down it was the best feeling in the world. He was so glad that he was now a praying mantis and he really liked the company of his new friend. But then one day while waiting for his fellow Mantis friend, yet another insect approached him. This one was scary looking with many eyes and legs. BUg felt frightened but asked as bravely as he could "What are you suppose to be?" And the insect replied "I'm a spider, what are you?" Well.. I'm a praying Mantis" said Bug timidly. The spider shook her head and said "are you sure?? you don't look like a praying Mantis?" "I am for sure" said Bug. "I can hang upside down, and eat leaves, and climb in really high places" "ehhhh... I don't know, I think you might be a spider like me" Said the scary insect. "Well, what do spiders do?" asked bug curiously. "We do lots of fun things! I can spin a web into any shape I want and live there for as long as I want.. no questions asked" "Really!" said bug "you can spin webs!" "I sure can, are you sure you don't want to be a spider??" said the creature. "I do! I do want to be a spider" proclamed bug. "Come with me to my web and we'll test out your skills.. if you do a really good job, you can be a spider like me!" explained the spider. And so off they went. When they reached the web the spider asked bug to climb inside to scope it out and see if he liked it but when he did so he got stuck in one spot and couldnt move any of his limbs to excape. "Whats going on?" screamed bug. "I can't move!" "I know" said the spider, isn't my web durable, it took me two days" Bug struggled to get free but couldn't. "Can you release me please" bug pleaded. "I don't think so" said the spider. "After two whole days of spinning this web, I'm pretty hungry" "well, you can't eat me!!!" proclaimed bug, "I'm a praying mantis and it's against the law to kill me!" The spider shook her head "but I thought you wanted to be a spider?" "no no, I'm a praying mantis!" She shook her head again "Your definitely not a praying mantis" "Well then, I'm an ant lion!" cried bug. The spider shook her head again.. "I'M AN ANT!!! I swear I'm an ant!!!" " Look" said the spider, "you don't know what you are, you could have been an ant or an antlion or even a praying mantis, but now your nothing and no one will miss you and I am very hungry" And so, the spider ate bug right then and there and then said "and by the way, you were a centipede... if I didn't eat you, you would have eaten me."
The end
Moral- the greener grass is an illusion.
Im crazy
and I want to help crazy people
or maybe I just want to surround myself with crazier people than myself so I look the sanest.. I don't really understand my motives completely whether its a selfless or selfish act...a little bit of both maybe.
I talked to my brother today, he offered for me to come live with him in california. If I were single I would do it in a heart beat. but I'm not and I wish he wouldnt have asked me because now its an option for me somewhere in outerspace. And On days when I hate my life and I'm thinking about the cooler things I'de rather be doing I'm going to peak over at cali's lawn and think to myself "how come their grass is greener than mine?" Will I ever settle *shakes head* I'm going to regret things when I'm 80 I can feel it.
I also talked to my sister yesterday. I miss her little crack headed ass. She is crazy ... crazier than me :)
And I miss her<3
I want drugs lately...thats stupid, I'm aware...but it's a reoccuring thought. Drugs, cutting, self distructive behavior.. Maybe it's because things arent complicated enough, I STRIVE ON COMPLICATION, stress, being sad... eh, i make myself want to spit.
OK and here we go:
Once apon a time there was this insect named bug. His parents died in a car accident when he was very young and so he was never told what exactly he was or where he came from. Bug was very sweet and other insects didn't mind taking him in because of how polite and helpful he was. In his early years he lived with a family of ants. He became a very hard worker and when other ants asked him what kind of insect he was he would reply "I work like an ant and eat like ant, so I must be an ant" And the other ants excepted this answer and treated him like they would treat any of their own kin. One day while on a picnic table, bug was collecting bread crumbs to feed his family when he was approached by a little insect with huge pinchers. "What are you suppose to be?" Bug asked cautiously. And the insect replied "I'm an ant lion, what are you?" "Well, I'm an ant!" said bug. The ant lion looked him up and down and said "there is no way in hell your an ant." "Yes I am!" said bug, "I work like an ant and eat like an ant so I must be an ant" The ant lion chuckled and said "look man, I am an ant contasuer, and YOU, are not an ant." Bug felt confused and upset and asked "well,, what am I then?" And the ant lion thought about this for a minute.... "maybe your an antlion too!" "No way" Bug said, "I would NEVER eat an ant!" Taken back the antlion replied, "are you crazy! ants are delicious... hang with me kid and I'll show you the way" Unconvinced Bug said "I don't think so, I love the ants... they have been nothing but good to me" "They can still be good to you" said the ant lion "in your mouth, they taste great! plus, if you eat enough of them, you will grow wings and then we can fly around all day long and have fun together" Astonished, Bug pointed to himself and said "I....can grow wings?" "Yep! if you eat enough ants!" said the antlion. "come with me, I'll take care of you..I'll show you the ropes and everything" Bug, feeling facinated that one day he would be able to fly followed the Ant lion all the way to his home.
The Ant lion and Bug made plenty of ant traps.. Bug felt bad at first eating what use to be his brothers and sisters, but the thought of having wings motivated him to eat more. Plus him and the antlion got along really well and Bug felt like he must really be an antlion for them to have become such good friends. While making a sand pit one day another insect appoached bug. "What are you suppose to be?" Bug asked this fairly larger insect. "I'm a praying Mantis, what are you?" "I'm an antlion!" said bug confidently, "I'm going to have wings someday and fly around with my friends" The praying mantis shook his head " you most certainly are NOT an antlion" "What?? yes I am, I eat ants and I build pits, I must be an antlion!" "Trust me man, your not an antlion and your definitely not going to get wings when you get older, I promise" Distraught, Bug asked "well, what am I?" "You could be a praying Mantis" The large insect said. "I mean, we do all sorts of fun things like climb, hang upside down, oh! and you'll never die because it's against the law for anything to kill you" "REALLY!" said Bug, "I've always been so terrified of death and I have never been upside down before." "You roll with me man and we can hang upside down all day long" said the mantis. "Sold!" Bug said happily while following the praying mantis away from the pit.
Bug learned how to eat leaves, which he felt less bad about as opposed to the ants and the first time he went upside down it was the best feeling in the world. He was so glad that he was now a praying mantis and he really liked the company of his new friend. But then one day while waiting for his fellow Mantis friend, yet another insect approached him. This one was scary looking with many eyes and legs. BUg felt frightened but asked as bravely as he could "What are you suppose to be?" And the insect replied "I'm a spider, what are you?" Well.. I'm a praying Mantis" said Bug timidly. The spider shook her head and said "are you sure?? you don't look like a praying Mantis?" "I am for sure" said Bug. "I can hang upside down, and eat leaves, and climb in really high places" "ehhhh... I don't know, I think you might be a spider like me" Said the scary insect. "Well, what do spiders do?" asked bug curiously. "We do lots of fun things! I can spin a web into any shape I want and live there for as long as I want.. no questions asked" "Really!" said bug "you can spin webs!" "I sure can, are you sure you don't want to be a spider??" said the creature. "I do! I do want to be a spider" proclamed bug. "Come with me to my web and we'll test out your skills.. if you do a really good job, you can be a spider like me!" explained the spider. And so off they went. When they reached the web the spider asked bug to climb inside to scope it out and see if he liked it but when he did so he got stuck in one spot and couldnt move any of his limbs to excape. "Whats going on?" screamed bug. "I can't move!" "I know" said the spider, isn't my web durable, it took me two days" Bug struggled to get free but couldn't. "Can you release me please" bug pleaded. "I don't think so" said the spider. "After two whole days of spinning this web, I'm pretty hungry" "well, you can't eat me!!!" proclaimed bug, "I'm a praying mantis and it's against the law to kill me!" The spider shook her head "but I thought you wanted to be a spider?" "no no, I'm a praying mantis!" She shook her head again "Your definitely not a praying mantis" "Well then, I'm an ant lion!" cried bug. The spider shook her head again.. "I'M AN ANT!!! I swear I'm an ant!!!" " Look" said the spider, "you don't know what you are, you could have been an ant or an antlion or even a praying mantis, but now your nothing and no one will miss you and I am very hungry" And so, the spider ate bug right then and there and then said "and by the way, you were a centipede... if I didn't eat you, you would have eaten me."
The end
Moral- the greener grass is an illusion.