When he left me...: Chapter 12 & 13
Title: When he left me...
Pairing: Ohmiya, Jun/ ?, Sho/oc, Nino/oc
Rating: PG
genre: Romance, drama, fluff, family, AU
Plot: Nino broke up with his boyfriend Satoshi. Six years later, Satoshi discover all the truth
Warning: bad english xD
Note : I had more time to translate these days so I translated two chapters again ;-)
[Chapter 12]
Jun left me alone again to work today. My fever rises a little this morning so I'm buried again under my blanket and stunned by the drugs. The silence of the apartment cradles me and calms me when I have the impression that dozens of hammers hit the inside of my skull.
"Satoshi, I'm alone ..."
I jump, thinking I heard Kazu's voice, but the silence still surrounds me. I close my eyes. I just dreamed. Sleep quickly seizes me.
"Please, come back to me ..." I hear in my mind before sinking.
*****
- Well, you know the whole story. Says kazu in front of me, holding Satoe against him.
- Why didn't you tell me?
- I didn't know how you were going to react. I didn't want what happened but I love Satoe with all my being. She's my only priority now.
- I understand perfectly and it does not change anything for me, I love you and I am ready to raise her with you, since she's there.
- It's not that easy, you know. It's not enough to like children to be able to raise them and if you see her as a vulgar accessory that you feel obligated to bear with to stay with me, it's out of the question that we get together again.
The girl stares at me, her fist in her mouth while my ex-lover cradles her. She is so pretty, the perfect copy of Kazu. She smiles at me and her father discreetly imitates her by passing his hand through her thin, dark hair. Before he obviously remembers something.
- I'm sorry, do you want some tea? I didn't even propose it to you.
- Hum ...
He gets up but as he still holds the baby in his arms, he stares at me, obviously anxious to the idea of leaving her to me.
- I can hold her for you if you want.
- I don't know if it's a good idea.
- Do you really have so little confidence in me?
He doesn't answer and goes around the coffee table to put the baby in my arms.
- Don't let her fall down, be careful!
- Don't worry...
Satoe gives me a curious look as she is placed in my arms but she does not flinch more than that and continues her babbling while Kazu gets busy in the kitchen while taking a look at me regularly. When he comes back, he serves us the tea and comes back to the little one. It was not counting the fact that she now clings firmly to my sweater. I see her father's jaw clench and gently pulls her little fingers away to finally bring her to him and sit in front of me.
- I'm surprised, she usually doesn't like strangers.
- She must likes me.
He bites his lower lip and his arms hold the baby a little more against him in a purely protective gesture.
- What are you afraid of, Kazu?
- Huh? I'm not afraid of anything. Please, drink your tea and go home, we will be much better one without the other.
- Are you sure ?
- Yes, you will probably find better than a single father and his baby, someone who can make you happy and bring you what you want in life.
- Once and for all, I love you! It's with you that I want to be with! Satoe is... a part of you that I'm ready to love too! Okay, I don't know how to take care of her, but I'd like you to teach me!
He says nothing for a long time when he stares at me in the white of the eyes, his lower lip trembles and his eyes are wet. Then all of a sudden, without warning, he goes around the table again and sticks his lips to mine.
- How can you stay so nice after what I did to you? I love you so much, Satoshi! Forgive me please... he tells me tears covering his face.
- I love you too. And what is done is done. Look, you have a beautiful little girl now.
Kazu looks down at Satoe, smiles and kisses her on the top of her head. He sighs and then looks up in my direction.
- We will always be three.
- I know.
- She can potentially interrupt us in our couple activities.
- I know.
- And above all, especially, she will always be my priority no matter what.
- That's normal.
- Are you sure you still want to get back with me?
- Only if you, you want it.
- More than anything. He says kissing me again passionately.
*****
Wake up with a start. Now sitting in my bed, I notice that I am sweaty. What was that again? I don't even have the impression of having dreamed, rather of reminding myself of a distant memory. I put my hand on my face for a moment and try to calm me down. It is then that my eyes fall on the dresser and I notice that the box containing Kazu's stuffs is no longer in its place. Like his diary, it disappeared.
My heart suddenly accelerates. It's impossible. I get up and dig a little in the room looking for it. But no trace of the box. It has like ... evaporated. "Calm, Satoshi, maybe Jun has moved it." I said, sitting down gently on the edge of the bed, my head starting to spin. I go back to bed and an incredible tiredness immediately seizes me. "I'll only have to ask Jun when he gets home." I think, feeling sleep come back.
*****
- Tadaima!
- Oh ! Who is that, Satoe-chan? As I see Kazu coming in the kitchen while I feed the baby.
The baby smiles broadly and her father finally arrives near her to kiss her forehead, take a chair and settle next to us before kissing me too.
- So ? How are the two loves of my life?
- Well, we finish eating, dad. I say, handing a spoon full of carrot puree to Satoe.
- But all that looks delicious! He said, snatching another smile from the girl.
It's silence for some time and the room is animated only by the giggles of Satoe seeing me make grimaces and change the spoon in a thousand things. Then he ends up speaking again, looking anxious.
- Say, Satoyan?
- Yes ?
- I was offered to cover an event in Kyoto in two weeks. As it will last a long time, I should spend a night there to avoid traveling at night ... I told them I was going to think about it and ...
- Why didn't you accept?
- There is Satoe ... my mother can't keep her and I can't take her with me.
- I can take care of her.
- You're sure ?
- It's been three months since I live with you now. I think I have enough experience with her that you leave her to me for two days.
- Hmmm ... he says, looking skeptical.
- I can't believe you don't trust me ... We've known each other for years, yet ...
- That's not it ... it's just that ... I've never left her to anyone other than my mother or the daycare and I've never been separated from her so long and so far .
My partner stops to wipe Satoe's mouth with her bib and take her out of the high chair to put her on his lap.
- I understand. But I'm part of her life too. I intend to stay with you all mine and we will raise her together so I would have hoped that you think of me first.
- Gomen. I still need some time to make myself to the idea that you've come back, that we live together and that you want to get involved with Satoe so much. I was alone with her almost all her first year, I had to postpone interesting offers, I had to manage as best I could when she was sick. In the end, I think it became automatic in me.
I surround his shoulders with my arm and put my head against his shoulder.
- You're not alone anymore, Kazu, and you'll never be alone again, trust me.
He sighs.
- You're right, I can leave her to you. There is no reason. He said with a smile.
- That would make me the greatest pleasure.
- Above all, if there is the least concern, you call me and I come back immediately.
- Everything will be alright. Ne ? I said, addressing the baby who immediately goggles in Kazu's arms, snatching a laugh from both of us.
*****
- Jun, did you put away the box where I kept Kazu's stuff?
- Hum no. Answer my friend from the chair on which he is installed and calmly corrects his copies.
Ok, it's getting really scary.
- Why ? Continue Jun.
- It was on my dresser in the room but she is not there anymore and the newspaper too has disappeared.
- Well ... you'll find them. As he continues in his task.
I slump on the couch, frustrated not to find the precious memories of Kazu, and sighs.
- I see you're better. Said Jun.
- Yes, yes ... I do. And it was time, I didn't stop making strange dreams these past 3 days.
- Like ?
- Well ... I lived my life as if I was with Kazu again but ... I don't know, it looked so real.
- But it was not, it's the principle of dreams. You had a fever it's normal that your dreams are completely crazy.
- You're right, I said, taking my head in my hands, why am I worried?
- Then, how are you doing ? You're ready to go back to work ?
- Yes, I think I should not fall dead in front of the students.
Jun then puts down his pen, leans into his bag next to him and pulls out another huge pile of copies.
- More corrections?
- As you see, he sighs as he puts his glasses back on his nose.
- I really chose right to teach art... Do I make fun of him.
- Urusai ... he grumbles.
*****
Jun stopped in kindergarten and I can face mother groups and children screaming in the yard again. I walk with Satoe towards the entrance when a familiar voice stops me.
- Satoshi-kun!
I turn around, it's Rinko-san who beckons me with her free hand.
- Rinko-san, ohayo! I say with a smile.
- Ohayo! Says Satoe.
- Ohayo Satoe-chan! Masaki, say hello, please.
- Ohayo ... mutters the child, looking away.
His mother sighs, rolling her eyes.
- Excuse him, he isn't in the morning and he isn't so enthusiastic about having a little brother for some time.
- It's nothing, I was not better than him at his age.
- You feel better ? I heard you were sick.
- What do you mean ?
- Sho-kun and I noticed that these last three days, it was your friend who deposited Satoe-chan at school, I asked him if you were well.
Jun didn't even tell me.
- Oh yes. Yes, I'm better, thank you.
I feel the little girl gently pull on my clothes. I lean in her direction.
- What is happening ? I ask her.
- Say, can I go play?
- Me too, mom?
My eyes meet Rinko-san's and we smile at each other.
- Yes, go ahead.
- Itekimasu! They both launch while rushing into the yard, not without greeting Ikuta-sensei in passing.
- Aaaah, children ... Sigh my friend watching them go away with me. Oh ! But you must surely go to work, I hold you back!
- It's nothing, see you next time. I say after suddenly remembering Jun waiting for me in the car.
- Are you going with the class outing in the forest?
- What outing?
- In two weeks, there is a planned outing in the forest and parents will accompany, your friend didn't talk to you about it? Ikuta-sensei has distributed a document on this subject.
- Oh, no, he must have forgotten. I don't know yet, I'll think about it.
- It's a Sunday, usually Sho-kun and I accompany but this year I will not be able to go. She said with a small smile, pointing to her round belly.
- Um, I understand, I'll think about it, thank you.
We greet each other and finally rejoin Jun's car, which drives us both to high school hoping not to arrive late to teach.
- Say ...
- Hum?
- Ikuta-sensei gave you a document for me?
Jun blushed suddenly.
- It's possible, I had to forget, he makes me so nervous. Gomen ne.
I sigh, understanding. I was in love, too. I lean on the edge of the window of the car. Sho-san will be on the tour, maybe I'll go too, after all. If he is there, we will stick together against all the mothers. In addition it will surely be a pleasure for Satoe.
- I think I put it in my bag.
- Huh?
- The paper for the outing.
- Oh ok. By the way, when is your dinner with Ikuta-sensei?
- Uh ... Saturday 18h.
- Good luck. I say with a frightful accent that makes us laugh a few minutes.
- I will not conclude right away, especially since I live at your home.
- Yes please. I'm still fine but think of Satoe and her innocence please.
We laugh again and soon come to high school. Jun parks and digs a moment in his bag to find the document I need.
- Here, he said, handing it to me.
- Thank you!
- Stop with the English, Satoshi.
We head to the entrance as I walk through the document. The Aokigahara forest at the foot of Mount Fuji. It's where we go. It's expected that we walk a small part of the walk and then take a tourist shuttle so as not to tire the children too much. Aokigahara ... I feel like I have already been there ...
- Ohno-sensei, watch out for the stake! Throw a student voice.
I stop, indeed, I was going to take one of the luminaries of the yard right in the face. To my left, the student who shouted. Morita-kun, one of my students at the art club. I thank her with a smile and enter the buildings, hearing the little girls group she was part of, chuckling gently behind me.
[Chapter 13]
- Time goes by ...
- hum ...
- We did things well anyway, don't you think?
- Satoshi, it's only her first day in kindergarten ... Laugh my lover next to me in the car.
- I know, but yet, I feel like we have accomplished something.
- Who's the father here? You or me ?
- Mou ... stop with that, you know what we said about that.
- I'm kidding, you'll always be her cool daddy Satoshi. He said with a small smirk.
I turn to the back seat where Satoe sat, her little yellow hat screwed on her head and her bag beside her. She looks out the window, looking absent.
- I'm afraid she has the same relationship to kindergarten as you.
- Pity, no, I want her to have fun, make friends, unlike her coward father.
He sighs.
- Yesterday, She was still my little baby tough...
- A tissue ?
- No it'll be fine. Stop making fun of me !
- Hahaha! You're so cute Honey!
- We see that you were not there yet for her crying during the night, colic, pneumonia and anguish of the sudden death of the newborn.
- It's not my fault and I got the pees in bed, gastro enteritis and chickenpox, I'll tell you.
- I know. He said looking sorry.
- Well, we don't care. The important thing is that I found you. We are a family now and there is still a lot to come
- Hum.
We stop. A lot of parents and children are there. Kazu and I stay a few moments looking at them through the car window.
- I think you should go alone. I said.
- No ! You come too, you are as much her parent as me.
- Not in the eyes of the law.
- Fuck the law. He said coming out of the vehicle to pick up Satoe and open the door. Come on. Toma told us that everything would be fine, the director is perfectly understanding.
I pull myself out of my seat and take Satoe's left hand just as Kazu takes the right. He smiled at me, surely to reassure me a little, and we walk in the crowd to find the teacher in front of the gate. Mothers stare at us, I feel oppressed.
- Hello ! I am Midori-sensei, the teacher of the little ones, delighted. She said, shaking hands with everyone. What's your name ? She asks, bending down to Satoe.
- Ninomiya ... Satoe ... She said shyly.
- Satoe-chan? It's a pretty name ! Who did you come with today?
- Daddy and Daddy Toshi. She said without hesitation for a second.
The teacher then gets up to us and I can see her eyes go from one to the other for about ten seconds.
- That's great ! You're lucky to have two dads!
- Hum! Say Satoe with a broad smile.
- And what are the names of the dads?
- Ninomiya Kazunari desu.
- Ohno Satoshi desu. I say, reassured.
- Well, good. You can go play with all the other little children in the yard, Satoe-chan.
The little girl squeezes our hands a little more and looks at us imploringly. My eyes meet Kazu's and we stoop to her height.
- We're coming back at lunch time, princess.
- Um, you're a big girl now, you have to go to school. I'm sure you'll make lots of friends. I said.
- Can we have a little kiss?
The little one shakes her head and kisses us both on the cheek before entering the yard to join the other children without even turning around. She is much braver than we had imagined. My lover and I, get up without leaving Satoe's eyes, the same smile in the face.
- Yeah ... we did things well, said Kazu.
- Sumimasen!
We turn around, a couple comes up to the grid while running. The man is dressed in a neat suit and carries a girl in his arms while his wife is dressed more soberly, in a classic dress but nevertheless adapted to the circumstances. They approach Midori-sensei, completely out of breath and the man puts their daughter on the ground.
- Hajimemashite, Sakurai Sho and my wife Sakurai Maya.
- Domo. Responds the teacher with a big smile. And what's the name of this little chip?
- Sakurai Setsuna. The mother answers.
- We are not late I hope? Add her husband.
- No no. Rest assured !
They both sigh with relief and embrace their daughter who joins the yard. To our surprise, the girl approaches Satoe and both seem to get along well.
- You see ? It looks like she has already made a friend and no tears. Said Maya.
- Hum. She is growing up, our little girl.
The couple then turns to us.
- You too have trouble separating from your children? Sho-san asks.
- A little. We answer with one voice.
- Haha, having take care of them for three years, it's complicated. Which are yours?
Kazu and I point the direction of the two girls who are now having fun together.
- It's our daughter, Satoe. Kazu said.
- Oh ! What a coincidence ! Yoroshiku onegaishimasu. Said Maya as she and her husband bow to us.
- Yoroshiku onegaishimasu. We respond by imitating them.
*****
Another one of those dreams. I've been doing it for a week and it looks like they're following a logical order. I don't understand anything anymore, why does my subconscious show me the life I will never have with Satoe and Kazu near me? Plus, one thing makes me feel bad. Sho-san was there with his daughter's mother and they were married but it wasn't the face of Maya that I saw, no. It was Rinko-san's. No doubt, this is just a rambling of my mind. I laugh for a second in my bed imagining Rinko-san married to Sho-san. The sun is already shining outside but my alarm clock indicates 6:11 and Jun as well as Satoe are still sleeping.
I step over their futons and slip silently out of the room. Given the time, I have time to prepare a good breakfast. I put on my apron and set to work.
Later, as I set the table, Satoe comes out of the room rubbing her eyes.
- Ohayo, Satoe-chan. How are you this morning ? I whispered to let Jun sleep for a few more minutes.
- Hmm ... she mumbles, shaking her head.
- you want to eat ? I made breakfast.
She remark then the meal on the table and his face lights up.
- Suuuugoi! It looks so good ! But ... Jun-kun is not awake yet, we have to wait for him, right?
- You're right, a little cartoon in the meantime?
- Haaaai! She says with enthusiasm.
After an episode, Jun leaves the room.
- Ohayo Jun-kun! Throw the girl.
- Ohayo. Satoshi, did you do all this? He asks when his eyes fall on the table.
- Hum. I woke up early.
- Well, what are we waiting for? Let's eat !
All three of us sit down and start the meal. Once finished, I'll help Satoe get dressed while Jun gets a shower and I take her place. Half an hour later, we leave the apartment.
- Ne Satoshi-kun?
- Hum? Nani? I make myself turning to the backseat in the car.
- Are you coming into the forest with us?
- Hum. I answer him with a smile. I come.
- Yatta! Say? Do you think there will be bears?
- Uh ... I don't think, at least, I hope.
- And wolves?
- Neither.
- Why are we going then?
- For nature, because it's pretty and it feels good to walk around.
- This is the Aokigahara forest at the foot of Mount Fuji? Asks Jun.
- Hum.
- Then she must be full of demons and ghosts! Said my friend in a scary voice.
- You're not funny Jun-kun! Ghosts and demons don't exist!
- what do you know about that ?
- Well...
- Jun, stop scarying her ... I sigh. Don't worry Satoe-chan, there is nothing to fear, otherwise we would not take you walking in it.
She smiles and looks away at the window next to her.
- If I saw Daddy's ghost, I would not be scared. She says.
*****
- Satoshi-san!
I turn around halfway to the class where I'm going to fetch Satoe every night. Sho-san comes in my direction with a broad smile.
- Konbawa! It's been a while, are you alright?
- Yes, thank you for worrying. And you ?
- Oh, that's fine. Setsuna is very excited at the idea of going out into the forest, I can barely make her sleep at night. Are you accompanying?
- Hum. I say, thinking he was one of my motivations to go.
- Aaaah ureshiii ...
- Really ?
- Oh yes, you don't imagine what it's like to be the only dad in this kind of stuff, I sometimes feel like a piece of meat among the tigers. Then the mothers talk a lot more about women's stuff, you see?
- Um, I understand.
- That must please Satoe-chan.
- Yes a lot.
- Say? Would you like to go eat somewhere that night? It's me who offers.
- Hey? Do I imagine myself already meeting him.
- I am very bad in the kitchen and as in addition we will surely be exhausted all four, it's a good opportunity to eat outside. You agree ?
- Uh ... yes ... yes, it can be a good idea ...
- Awesome ! Well, now we should maybe go back to the girls, otherwise the night will fall without us realizing it.
We continue our way up to the classroom and go inside. Immediately, Setsuna-chan throws herself on her father and Satoe on me. She does not say anything. Ikuta-sensei reports the day while the two girls go to collect their belongings and then leave school.
Satoe's silence lasts until I put her to bed. And it's not for lack of trying to make her laugh, Jun and me.
- Satoe-chan? Something is wrong ?
She shakes her head.
- Are you sure ?
She stares at me for a moment and squeezes her teddy bear a little closer to her chest before finally speaking to me in a low voice.
- At school ... there's a boy named Keitarou. He said it was not normal to live with two men.
- What did you tell him?
- That I didn't care because I'm happy to be with you because you were in love with my daddy. And he said it wasn't normal for two men to be in love with each other.
- You don't have to listen to him, he's a bad boy, that's all.
- I know, I don't care.
- It's very good. I say with a smile. Why are you all so sad?
- Because he asked me where my mommy was. I don't know where she is and I don't know who she is.
- Did your dad ever tell you about her?
- No.
- Well...I know who it is. I say without thinking.
- It's true ?
- Hum. Her name is Chiemi.
- Chiemi ... Repeat the little one.
- And unfortunately, she is in heaven, like your dad.
- She had the same illness?
- No, she died giving you birth, she gave her life for you.
- Hontou?
- Hum. I nod.
A broad smile is drawn on the face of the little girl.
- She must be super nice.
- Surely.
- I would like to know how she was. Dad did not have a picture of her?
- I don't believe.
- Why ?
Ouch, the trap, how to explain to a little girl that her father never loved her mother and that he ignored her all their life together?
- I don't know.
- Never mind, it doesn't matter. Good night Satoshi-kun.
- Good night ... I say before I get up and leave the room.
Jun is sitting on the couch and watching TV in mute. I join him.
- So ? What was the problem ?
- Her mother.
- Her mother ?
- Yes, a child made her notice that she didn't know anything about her.
- What did you tell her?
- What I know of her. But I didn't find a picture of her in Kazu's stuff and the girl really wanted to see her.
- If he didn't love her and didn't have a wedding ceremony with such circumstances, that's not surprising.
- I know, I would have at least wanted to give her that.
- Poor you ... said my friend, patting my shoulder with a friendly gesture.
- Otherwise, you know what?
- No, what?
- Sakurai-san invited me to dinner after the children's excursion.
- Serious ?! Exclaims my friend, suddenly departing from me.
- It's okay, it's just going to the restaurant with the girls, it's probably not for the purpose of being romantic.
- Oh it's like that ... Not even funny. He said a little disappointed.
- We'll see you after your date.
- Aaaah! Don't tell me about it! He said, thrusting his face into a cushion.
*****
- A hike in the forest? Just all three?
- Hum. It will do us good. You really need it, look, you've been doing a lot lately and you don't sleep much.
- Exactly, I work a lot, so I don't really know when to organize it.
- You don't work on Sundays as I know.
My lover sighs.
- Ok go for a Sunday in this case.
- I knew you would say yes. I say kissing him on the cheek.
- Where are we going ? He asks refocusing on his computer screen.
- Aokigahara Forest, just below Mount Fuji. It was Sho-kun who gave me the idea, he took Maya and Setsuna there last summer.
- You surprise me. Sho-kun must know all the the touristic sites of the country.
- that's because he's coming out of his house a bit more often than some people. I said. Aren't you happy to spend time with your daughter and your lover?
- Yes, very happy. He smiled at me before kissing me.
- Come to bed Kazu ... I say going to settle on the bed.
- If I go to bed at the same time as you it's not sleep that I'm going to do.
- I'm not tired, and you?
He laughs while closing his computer and comes to join me. He approaches me on all fours and his lips join mine in a sensual dance. But as our hands begin to get lost under each other's clothes, the door creaks, causing us to separate immediately as bare feet are heard on the floor.
- I had a nightmare. Says Satoe's little voice standing in front of our bed in her pink pajamas and hugging her bear.
Kazu gets out of bed as I slip under the blanket and takes the little one in his arms.
- It's nothing, princess, you'll settle down between Daddy Toshi and me and we'll drive away all the nightmares.
My lover drops Satoe in the bed next to me and settles in turn. We both kiss her on her forehead and stay there watching her as she falls asleep. When the girl is finally gone to the land of dreams a few minutes later, my lover stares at me with a broad smile.
- That, he says, is better than anything we could have done in bed tonight. I love you both so much.
He kisses me and puts his head on the pillow, his forehead glued to his daughter's head and closes his eyes. I close the eyes too, unable to dream better as life.
Pairing: Ohmiya, Jun/ ?, Sho/oc, Nino/oc
Rating: PG
genre: Romance, drama, fluff, family, AU
Plot: Nino broke up with his boyfriend Satoshi. Six years later, Satoshi discover all the truth
Warning: bad english xD
Note : I had more time to translate these days so I translated two chapters again ;-)
[Chapter 12]
Jun left me alone again to work today. My fever rises a little this morning so I'm buried again under my blanket and stunned by the drugs. The silence of the apartment cradles me and calms me when I have the impression that dozens of hammers hit the inside of my skull.
"Satoshi, I'm alone ..."
I jump, thinking I heard Kazu's voice, but the silence still surrounds me. I close my eyes. I just dreamed. Sleep quickly seizes me.
"Please, come back to me ..." I hear in my mind before sinking.
*****
- Well, you know the whole story. Says kazu in front of me, holding Satoe against him.
- Why didn't you tell me?
- I didn't know how you were going to react. I didn't want what happened but I love Satoe with all my being. She's my only priority now.
- I understand perfectly and it does not change anything for me, I love you and I am ready to raise her with you, since she's there.
- It's not that easy, you know. It's not enough to like children to be able to raise them and if you see her as a vulgar accessory that you feel obligated to bear with to stay with me, it's out of the question that we get together again.
The girl stares at me, her fist in her mouth while my ex-lover cradles her. She is so pretty, the perfect copy of Kazu. She smiles at me and her father discreetly imitates her by passing his hand through her thin, dark hair. Before he obviously remembers something.
- I'm sorry, do you want some tea? I didn't even propose it to you.
- Hum ...
He gets up but as he still holds the baby in his arms, he stares at me, obviously anxious to the idea of leaving her to me.
- I can hold her for you if you want.
- I don't know if it's a good idea.
- Do you really have so little confidence in me?
He doesn't answer and goes around the coffee table to put the baby in my arms.
- Don't let her fall down, be careful!
- Don't worry...
Satoe gives me a curious look as she is placed in my arms but she does not flinch more than that and continues her babbling while Kazu gets busy in the kitchen while taking a look at me regularly. When he comes back, he serves us the tea and comes back to the little one. It was not counting the fact that she now clings firmly to my sweater. I see her father's jaw clench and gently pulls her little fingers away to finally bring her to him and sit in front of me.
- I'm surprised, she usually doesn't like strangers.
- She must likes me.
He bites his lower lip and his arms hold the baby a little more against him in a purely protective gesture.
- What are you afraid of, Kazu?
- Huh? I'm not afraid of anything. Please, drink your tea and go home, we will be much better one without the other.
- Are you sure ?
- Yes, you will probably find better than a single father and his baby, someone who can make you happy and bring you what you want in life.
- Once and for all, I love you! It's with you that I want to be with! Satoe is... a part of you that I'm ready to love too! Okay, I don't know how to take care of her, but I'd like you to teach me!
He says nothing for a long time when he stares at me in the white of the eyes, his lower lip trembles and his eyes are wet. Then all of a sudden, without warning, he goes around the table again and sticks his lips to mine.
- How can you stay so nice after what I did to you? I love you so much, Satoshi! Forgive me please... he tells me tears covering his face.
- I love you too. And what is done is done. Look, you have a beautiful little girl now.
Kazu looks down at Satoe, smiles and kisses her on the top of her head. He sighs and then looks up in my direction.
- We will always be three.
- I know.
- She can potentially interrupt us in our couple activities.
- I know.
- And above all, especially, she will always be my priority no matter what.
- That's normal.
- Are you sure you still want to get back with me?
- Only if you, you want it.
- More than anything. He says kissing me again passionately.
*****
Wake up with a start. Now sitting in my bed, I notice that I am sweaty. What was that again? I don't even have the impression of having dreamed, rather of reminding myself of a distant memory. I put my hand on my face for a moment and try to calm me down. It is then that my eyes fall on the dresser and I notice that the box containing Kazu's stuffs is no longer in its place. Like his diary, it disappeared.
My heart suddenly accelerates. It's impossible. I get up and dig a little in the room looking for it. But no trace of the box. It has like ... evaporated. "Calm, Satoshi, maybe Jun has moved it." I said, sitting down gently on the edge of the bed, my head starting to spin. I go back to bed and an incredible tiredness immediately seizes me. "I'll only have to ask Jun when he gets home." I think, feeling sleep come back.
*****
- Tadaima!
- Oh ! Who is that, Satoe-chan? As I see Kazu coming in the kitchen while I feed the baby.
The baby smiles broadly and her father finally arrives near her to kiss her forehead, take a chair and settle next to us before kissing me too.
- So ? How are the two loves of my life?
- Well, we finish eating, dad. I say, handing a spoon full of carrot puree to Satoe.
- But all that looks delicious! He said, snatching another smile from the girl.
It's silence for some time and the room is animated only by the giggles of Satoe seeing me make grimaces and change the spoon in a thousand things. Then he ends up speaking again, looking anxious.
- Say, Satoyan?
- Yes ?
- I was offered to cover an event in Kyoto in two weeks. As it will last a long time, I should spend a night there to avoid traveling at night ... I told them I was going to think about it and ...
- Why didn't you accept?
- There is Satoe ... my mother can't keep her and I can't take her with me.
- I can take care of her.
- You're sure ?
- It's been three months since I live with you now. I think I have enough experience with her that you leave her to me for two days.
- Hmmm ... he says, looking skeptical.
- I can't believe you don't trust me ... We've known each other for years, yet ...
- That's not it ... it's just that ... I've never left her to anyone other than my mother or the daycare and I've never been separated from her so long and so far .
My partner stops to wipe Satoe's mouth with her bib and take her out of the high chair to put her on his lap.
- I understand. But I'm part of her life too. I intend to stay with you all mine and we will raise her together so I would have hoped that you think of me first.
- Gomen. I still need some time to make myself to the idea that you've come back, that we live together and that you want to get involved with Satoe so much. I was alone with her almost all her first year, I had to postpone interesting offers, I had to manage as best I could when she was sick. In the end, I think it became automatic in me.
I surround his shoulders with my arm and put my head against his shoulder.
- You're not alone anymore, Kazu, and you'll never be alone again, trust me.
He sighs.
- You're right, I can leave her to you. There is no reason. He said with a smile.
- That would make me the greatest pleasure.
- Above all, if there is the least concern, you call me and I come back immediately.
- Everything will be alright. Ne ? I said, addressing the baby who immediately goggles in Kazu's arms, snatching a laugh from both of us.
*****
- Jun, did you put away the box where I kept Kazu's stuff?
- Hum no. Answer my friend from the chair on which he is installed and calmly corrects his copies.
Ok, it's getting really scary.
- Why ? Continue Jun.
- It was on my dresser in the room but she is not there anymore and the newspaper too has disappeared.
- Well ... you'll find them. As he continues in his task.
I slump on the couch, frustrated not to find the precious memories of Kazu, and sighs.
- I see you're better. Said Jun.
- Yes, yes ... I do. And it was time, I didn't stop making strange dreams these past 3 days.
- Like ?
- Well ... I lived my life as if I was with Kazu again but ... I don't know, it looked so real.
- But it was not, it's the principle of dreams. You had a fever it's normal that your dreams are completely crazy.
- You're right, I said, taking my head in my hands, why am I worried?
- Then, how are you doing ? You're ready to go back to work ?
- Yes, I think I should not fall dead in front of the students.
Jun then puts down his pen, leans into his bag next to him and pulls out another huge pile of copies.
- More corrections?
- As you see, he sighs as he puts his glasses back on his nose.
- I really chose right to teach art... Do I make fun of him.
- Urusai ... he grumbles.
*****
Jun stopped in kindergarten and I can face mother groups and children screaming in the yard again. I walk with Satoe towards the entrance when a familiar voice stops me.
- Satoshi-kun!
I turn around, it's Rinko-san who beckons me with her free hand.
- Rinko-san, ohayo! I say with a smile.
- Ohayo! Says Satoe.
- Ohayo Satoe-chan! Masaki, say hello, please.
- Ohayo ... mutters the child, looking away.
His mother sighs, rolling her eyes.
- Excuse him, he isn't in the morning and he isn't so enthusiastic about having a little brother for some time.
- It's nothing, I was not better than him at his age.
- You feel better ? I heard you were sick.
- What do you mean ?
- Sho-kun and I noticed that these last three days, it was your friend who deposited Satoe-chan at school, I asked him if you were well.
Jun didn't even tell me.
- Oh yes. Yes, I'm better, thank you.
I feel the little girl gently pull on my clothes. I lean in her direction.
- What is happening ? I ask her.
- Say, can I go play?
- Me too, mom?
My eyes meet Rinko-san's and we smile at each other.
- Yes, go ahead.
- Itekimasu! They both launch while rushing into the yard, not without greeting Ikuta-sensei in passing.
- Aaaah, children ... Sigh my friend watching them go away with me. Oh ! But you must surely go to work, I hold you back!
- It's nothing, see you next time. I say after suddenly remembering Jun waiting for me in the car.
- Are you going with the class outing in the forest?
- What outing?
- In two weeks, there is a planned outing in the forest and parents will accompany, your friend didn't talk to you about it? Ikuta-sensei has distributed a document on this subject.
- Oh, no, he must have forgotten. I don't know yet, I'll think about it.
- It's a Sunday, usually Sho-kun and I accompany but this year I will not be able to go. She said with a small smile, pointing to her round belly.
- Um, I understand, I'll think about it, thank you.
We greet each other and finally rejoin Jun's car, which drives us both to high school hoping not to arrive late to teach.
- Say ...
- Hum?
- Ikuta-sensei gave you a document for me?
Jun blushed suddenly.
- It's possible, I had to forget, he makes me so nervous. Gomen ne.
I sigh, understanding. I was in love, too. I lean on the edge of the window of the car. Sho-san will be on the tour, maybe I'll go too, after all. If he is there, we will stick together against all the mothers. In addition it will surely be a pleasure for Satoe.
- I think I put it in my bag.
- Huh?
- The paper for the outing.
- Oh ok. By the way, when is your dinner with Ikuta-sensei?
- Uh ... Saturday 18h.
- Good luck. I say with a frightful accent that makes us laugh a few minutes.
- I will not conclude right away, especially since I live at your home.
- Yes please. I'm still fine but think of Satoe and her innocence please.
We laugh again and soon come to high school. Jun parks and digs a moment in his bag to find the document I need.
- Here, he said, handing it to me.
- Thank you!
- Stop with the English, Satoshi.
We head to the entrance as I walk through the document. The Aokigahara forest at the foot of Mount Fuji. It's where we go. It's expected that we walk a small part of the walk and then take a tourist shuttle so as not to tire the children too much. Aokigahara ... I feel like I have already been there ...
- Ohno-sensei, watch out for the stake! Throw a student voice.
I stop, indeed, I was going to take one of the luminaries of the yard right in the face. To my left, the student who shouted. Morita-kun, one of my students at the art club. I thank her with a smile and enter the buildings, hearing the little girls group she was part of, chuckling gently behind me.
[Chapter 13]
- Time goes by ...
- hum ...
- We did things well anyway, don't you think?
- Satoshi, it's only her first day in kindergarten ... Laugh my lover next to me in the car.
- I know, but yet, I feel like we have accomplished something.
- Who's the father here? You or me ?
- Mou ... stop with that, you know what we said about that.
- I'm kidding, you'll always be her cool daddy Satoshi. He said with a small smirk.
I turn to the back seat where Satoe sat, her little yellow hat screwed on her head and her bag beside her. She looks out the window, looking absent.
- I'm afraid she has the same relationship to kindergarten as you.
- Pity, no, I want her to have fun, make friends, unlike her coward father.
He sighs.
- Yesterday, She was still my little baby tough...
- A tissue ?
- No it'll be fine. Stop making fun of me !
- Hahaha! You're so cute Honey!
- We see that you were not there yet for her crying during the night, colic, pneumonia and anguish of the sudden death of the newborn.
- It's not my fault and I got the pees in bed, gastro enteritis and chickenpox, I'll tell you.
- I know. He said looking sorry.
- Well, we don't care. The important thing is that I found you. We are a family now and there is still a lot to come
- Hum.
We stop. A lot of parents and children are there. Kazu and I stay a few moments looking at them through the car window.
- I think you should go alone. I said.
- No ! You come too, you are as much her parent as me.
- Not in the eyes of the law.
- Fuck the law. He said coming out of the vehicle to pick up Satoe and open the door. Come on. Toma told us that everything would be fine, the director is perfectly understanding.
I pull myself out of my seat and take Satoe's left hand just as Kazu takes the right. He smiled at me, surely to reassure me a little, and we walk in the crowd to find the teacher in front of the gate. Mothers stare at us, I feel oppressed.
- Hello ! I am Midori-sensei, the teacher of the little ones, delighted. She said, shaking hands with everyone. What's your name ? She asks, bending down to Satoe.
- Ninomiya ... Satoe ... She said shyly.
- Satoe-chan? It's a pretty name ! Who did you come with today?
- Daddy and Daddy Toshi. She said without hesitation for a second.
The teacher then gets up to us and I can see her eyes go from one to the other for about ten seconds.
- That's great ! You're lucky to have two dads!
- Hum! Say Satoe with a broad smile.
- And what are the names of the dads?
- Ninomiya Kazunari desu.
- Ohno Satoshi desu. I say, reassured.
- Well, good. You can go play with all the other little children in the yard, Satoe-chan.
The little girl squeezes our hands a little more and looks at us imploringly. My eyes meet Kazu's and we stoop to her height.
- We're coming back at lunch time, princess.
- Um, you're a big girl now, you have to go to school. I'm sure you'll make lots of friends. I said.
- Can we have a little kiss?
The little one shakes her head and kisses us both on the cheek before entering the yard to join the other children without even turning around. She is much braver than we had imagined. My lover and I, get up without leaving Satoe's eyes, the same smile in the face.
- Yeah ... we did things well, said Kazu.
- Sumimasen!
We turn around, a couple comes up to the grid while running. The man is dressed in a neat suit and carries a girl in his arms while his wife is dressed more soberly, in a classic dress but nevertheless adapted to the circumstances. They approach Midori-sensei, completely out of breath and the man puts their daughter on the ground.
- Hajimemashite, Sakurai Sho and my wife Sakurai Maya.
- Domo. Responds the teacher with a big smile. And what's the name of this little chip?
- Sakurai Setsuna. The mother answers.
- We are not late I hope? Add her husband.
- No no. Rest assured !
They both sigh with relief and embrace their daughter who joins the yard. To our surprise, the girl approaches Satoe and both seem to get along well.
- You see ? It looks like she has already made a friend and no tears. Said Maya.
- Hum. She is growing up, our little girl.
The couple then turns to us.
- You too have trouble separating from your children? Sho-san asks.
- A little. We answer with one voice.
- Haha, having take care of them for three years, it's complicated. Which are yours?
Kazu and I point the direction of the two girls who are now having fun together.
- It's our daughter, Satoe. Kazu said.
- Oh ! What a coincidence ! Yoroshiku onegaishimasu. Said Maya as she and her husband bow to us.
- Yoroshiku onegaishimasu. We respond by imitating them.
*****
Another one of those dreams. I've been doing it for a week and it looks like they're following a logical order. I don't understand anything anymore, why does my subconscious show me the life I will never have with Satoe and Kazu near me? Plus, one thing makes me feel bad. Sho-san was there with his daughter's mother and they were married but it wasn't the face of Maya that I saw, no. It was Rinko-san's. No doubt, this is just a rambling of my mind. I laugh for a second in my bed imagining Rinko-san married to Sho-san. The sun is already shining outside but my alarm clock indicates 6:11 and Jun as well as Satoe are still sleeping.
I step over their futons and slip silently out of the room. Given the time, I have time to prepare a good breakfast. I put on my apron and set to work.
Later, as I set the table, Satoe comes out of the room rubbing her eyes.
- Ohayo, Satoe-chan. How are you this morning ? I whispered to let Jun sleep for a few more minutes.
- Hmm ... she mumbles, shaking her head.
- you want to eat ? I made breakfast.
She remark then the meal on the table and his face lights up.
- Suuuugoi! It looks so good ! But ... Jun-kun is not awake yet, we have to wait for him, right?
- You're right, a little cartoon in the meantime?
- Haaaai! She says with enthusiasm.
After an episode, Jun leaves the room.
- Ohayo Jun-kun! Throw the girl.
- Ohayo. Satoshi, did you do all this? He asks when his eyes fall on the table.
- Hum. I woke up early.
- Well, what are we waiting for? Let's eat !
All three of us sit down and start the meal. Once finished, I'll help Satoe get dressed while Jun gets a shower and I take her place. Half an hour later, we leave the apartment.
- Ne Satoshi-kun?
- Hum? Nani? I make myself turning to the backseat in the car.
- Are you coming into the forest with us?
- Hum. I answer him with a smile. I come.
- Yatta! Say? Do you think there will be bears?
- Uh ... I don't think, at least, I hope.
- And wolves?
- Neither.
- Why are we going then?
- For nature, because it's pretty and it feels good to walk around.
- This is the Aokigahara forest at the foot of Mount Fuji? Asks Jun.
- Hum.
- Then she must be full of demons and ghosts! Said my friend in a scary voice.
- You're not funny Jun-kun! Ghosts and demons don't exist!
- what do you know about that ?
- Well...
- Jun, stop scarying her ... I sigh. Don't worry Satoe-chan, there is nothing to fear, otherwise we would not take you walking in it.
She smiles and looks away at the window next to her.
- If I saw Daddy's ghost, I would not be scared. She says.
*****
- Satoshi-san!
I turn around halfway to the class where I'm going to fetch Satoe every night. Sho-san comes in my direction with a broad smile.
- Konbawa! It's been a while, are you alright?
- Yes, thank you for worrying. And you ?
- Oh, that's fine. Setsuna is very excited at the idea of going out into the forest, I can barely make her sleep at night. Are you accompanying?
- Hum. I say, thinking he was one of my motivations to go.
- Aaaah ureshiii ...
- Really ?
- Oh yes, you don't imagine what it's like to be the only dad in this kind of stuff, I sometimes feel like a piece of meat among the tigers. Then the mothers talk a lot more about women's stuff, you see?
- Um, I understand.
- That must please Satoe-chan.
- Yes a lot.
- Say? Would you like to go eat somewhere that night? It's me who offers.
- Hey? Do I imagine myself already meeting him.
- I am very bad in the kitchen and as in addition we will surely be exhausted all four, it's a good opportunity to eat outside. You agree ?
- Uh ... yes ... yes, it can be a good idea ...
- Awesome ! Well, now we should maybe go back to the girls, otherwise the night will fall without us realizing it.
We continue our way up to the classroom and go inside. Immediately, Setsuna-chan throws herself on her father and Satoe on me. She does not say anything. Ikuta-sensei reports the day while the two girls go to collect their belongings and then leave school.
Satoe's silence lasts until I put her to bed. And it's not for lack of trying to make her laugh, Jun and me.
- Satoe-chan? Something is wrong ?
She shakes her head.
- Are you sure ?
She stares at me for a moment and squeezes her teddy bear a little closer to her chest before finally speaking to me in a low voice.
- At school ... there's a boy named Keitarou. He said it was not normal to live with two men.
- What did you tell him?
- That I didn't care because I'm happy to be with you because you were in love with my daddy. And he said it wasn't normal for two men to be in love with each other.
- You don't have to listen to him, he's a bad boy, that's all.
- I know, I don't care.
- It's very good. I say with a smile. Why are you all so sad?
- Because he asked me where my mommy was. I don't know where she is and I don't know who she is.
- Did your dad ever tell you about her?
- No.
- Well...I know who it is. I say without thinking.
- It's true ?
- Hum. Her name is Chiemi.
- Chiemi ... Repeat the little one.
- And unfortunately, she is in heaven, like your dad.
- She had the same illness?
- No, she died giving you birth, she gave her life for you.
- Hontou?
- Hum. I nod.
A broad smile is drawn on the face of the little girl.
- She must be super nice.
- Surely.
- I would like to know how she was. Dad did not have a picture of her?
- I don't believe.
- Why ?
Ouch, the trap, how to explain to a little girl that her father never loved her mother and that he ignored her all their life together?
- I don't know.
- Never mind, it doesn't matter. Good night Satoshi-kun.
- Good night ... I say before I get up and leave the room.
Jun is sitting on the couch and watching TV in mute. I join him.
- So ? What was the problem ?
- Her mother.
- Her mother ?
- Yes, a child made her notice that she didn't know anything about her.
- What did you tell her?
- What I know of her. But I didn't find a picture of her in Kazu's stuff and the girl really wanted to see her.
- If he didn't love her and didn't have a wedding ceremony with such circumstances, that's not surprising.
- I know, I would have at least wanted to give her that.
- Poor you ... said my friend, patting my shoulder with a friendly gesture.
- Otherwise, you know what?
- No, what?
- Sakurai-san invited me to dinner after the children's excursion.
- Serious ?! Exclaims my friend, suddenly departing from me.
- It's okay, it's just going to the restaurant with the girls, it's probably not for the purpose of being romantic.
- Oh it's like that ... Not even funny. He said a little disappointed.
- We'll see you after your date.
- Aaaah! Don't tell me about it! He said, thrusting his face into a cushion.
*****
- A hike in the forest? Just all three?
- Hum. It will do us good. You really need it, look, you've been doing a lot lately and you don't sleep much.
- Exactly, I work a lot, so I don't really know when to organize it.
- You don't work on Sundays as I know.
My lover sighs.
- Ok go for a Sunday in this case.
- I knew you would say yes. I say kissing him on the cheek.
- Where are we going ? He asks refocusing on his computer screen.
- Aokigahara Forest, just below Mount Fuji. It was Sho-kun who gave me the idea, he took Maya and Setsuna there last summer.
- You surprise me. Sho-kun must know all the the touristic sites of the country.
- that's because he's coming out of his house a bit more often than some people. I said. Aren't you happy to spend time with your daughter and your lover?
- Yes, very happy. He smiled at me before kissing me.
- Come to bed Kazu ... I say going to settle on the bed.
- If I go to bed at the same time as you it's not sleep that I'm going to do.
- I'm not tired, and you?
He laughs while closing his computer and comes to join me. He approaches me on all fours and his lips join mine in a sensual dance. But as our hands begin to get lost under each other's clothes, the door creaks, causing us to separate immediately as bare feet are heard on the floor.
- I had a nightmare. Says Satoe's little voice standing in front of our bed in her pink pajamas and hugging her bear.
Kazu gets out of bed as I slip under the blanket and takes the little one in his arms.
- It's nothing, princess, you'll settle down between Daddy Toshi and me and we'll drive away all the nightmares.
My lover drops Satoe in the bed next to me and settles in turn. We both kiss her on her forehead and stay there watching her as she falls asleep. When the girl is finally gone to the land of dreams a few minutes later, my lover stares at me with a broad smile.
- That, he says, is better than anything we could have done in bed tonight. I love you both so much.
He kisses me and puts his head on the pillow, his forehead glued to his daughter's head and closes his eyes. I close the eyes too, unable to dream better as life.