Propose...Purpose?
I'm just kinda at this point where I feel like I'm floating - neither here nor there. The feelings were more intense tuesday and wednesday, but they still linger and I remembered to post here today, haha.
*points to post title* It's a reference to 'Avenue Q' (and a bad one at that). I was just thinking about purposes like the main character in 'Q' and I'm coming up blank with mine. There's plenty of things I'm bad at and have no skill at whatsoever. But there has to be something out there I do have skill at - something I excel in. I haven't found it yet even though I do have some passions and would like to think I'm moderately skilled in those.
*sigh* I'm probably gonna get bitched at for dribbling on about not being good at anything or not having a purpose. But it's simply how I feel, take it or leave it.
Part of this is product of the beginning of the college push. Sure, college has been stuck in our faces since 6th grade, but junior year is when one is supposed to start deciding on things, like majors. One of my biggest 'beating-my-drum' things is being in a job/career that you hate. I want to go into something that I enjoy. I don't want to waste my life doing something boring. But just because I enjoy something doesn't mean I should go into it - I need to have skill to do a job as well as interest. And, seeing as I don't have something I'm super skilled at, I have no idea where I'm going. I have no purpose.
Many people have asked me if I'm going into art after high school. I always tell them "...meh...I don't think so." 1) I'm not skilled enough at it. There are plenty of others who are more skilled in art than me and therefore would be more successful in that area. 2) It doesn't exactly lead to practical jobs. I was once talking to my dad (MISTAKE!) about where I wanted to go to college. At the time, I wanted to go to CalArts for Directing. He told me that that wasn't practical though, and that he wanted me to have a job where I could pay bills and such, not just barely scrape by. That kind of struck a cord. Because I don't want to barely scrape by. I want to have enough money to live off of. So then it comes to this fork, this tear in the paper. Dreams or a home and belongings and everything else that comes with practical jobs. That was the last time I really talked to my dad in depth about anything, by the way.
So this little fork I'm standing between really doesn't help my situation. There's a bunch of other stuff thrown into the mix as well. Do I want to leave the area I grew up in? How far away am I willing to go? But that's not the issue right now.
A couple days back - more like a week - I was sitting in class drawing. Someone almost always comments on my doodles and whatnot. Collin walked over and looked at my drawing and asked the ever-so-familiar question, "Are you going into art?" and I replied with the ever-so-constant "I don't think so." His reaction to my answer, honestly, shocked me. No one had ever questioned my reply to their question. Collin asked, "Why not?!" I merely shrugged. "Look at this!" He pointed to my drawing. "This- this is awesome! And you obviously love doing it! You should do it. Look at Amanda (another friend of mine in college), she's doing it." And after his little outburst (it was that - an outburst) he just walked away. And for a fleeting moment I thought, "...yeah. Why not? I could do it." That feeling stuck with me for a day or two, but it's gone now.
This really has no point to it. I just felt like getting it out somewhere. I'll continue to search for my place, my purpose. And maybe someday I'll find it.
"We are not what you think we are, we are golden." - Mika
*points to post title* It's a reference to 'Avenue Q' (and a bad one at that). I was just thinking about purposes like the main character in 'Q' and I'm coming up blank with mine. There's plenty of things I'm bad at and have no skill at whatsoever. But there has to be something out there I do have skill at - something I excel in. I haven't found it yet even though I do have some passions and would like to think I'm moderately skilled in those.
*sigh* I'm probably gonna get bitched at for dribbling on about not being good at anything or not having a purpose. But it's simply how I feel, take it or leave it.
Part of this is product of the beginning of the college push. Sure, college has been stuck in our faces since 6th grade, but junior year is when one is supposed to start deciding on things, like majors. One of my biggest 'beating-my-drum' things is being in a job/career that you hate. I want to go into something that I enjoy. I don't want to waste my life doing something boring. But just because I enjoy something doesn't mean I should go into it - I need to have skill to do a job as well as interest. And, seeing as I don't have something I'm super skilled at, I have no idea where I'm going. I have no purpose.
Many people have asked me if I'm going into art after high school. I always tell them "...meh...I don't think so." 1) I'm not skilled enough at it. There are plenty of others who are more skilled in art than me and therefore would be more successful in that area. 2) It doesn't exactly lead to practical jobs. I was once talking to my dad (MISTAKE!) about where I wanted to go to college. At the time, I wanted to go to CalArts for Directing. He told me that that wasn't practical though, and that he wanted me to have a job where I could pay bills and such, not just barely scrape by. That kind of struck a cord. Because I don't want to barely scrape by. I want to have enough money to live off of. So then it comes to this fork, this tear in the paper. Dreams or a home and belongings and everything else that comes with practical jobs. That was the last time I really talked to my dad in depth about anything, by the way.
So this little fork I'm standing between really doesn't help my situation. There's a bunch of other stuff thrown into the mix as well. Do I want to leave the area I grew up in? How far away am I willing to go? But that's not the issue right now.
A couple days back - more like a week - I was sitting in class drawing. Someone almost always comments on my doodles and whatnot. Collin walked over and looked at my drawing and asked the ever-so-familiar question, "Are you going into art?" and I replied with the ever-so-constant "I don't think so." His reaction to my answer, honestly, shocked me. No one had ever questioned my reply to their question. Collin asked, "Why not?!" I merely shrugged. "Look at this!" He pointed to my drawing. "This- this is awesome! And you obviously love doing it! You should do it. Look at Amanda (another friend of mine in college), she's doing it." And after his little outburst (it was that - an outburst) he just walked away. And for a fleeting moment I thought, "...yeah. Why not? I could do it." That feeling stuck with me for a day or two, but it's gone now.
This really has no point to it. I just felt like getting it out somewhere. I'll continue to search for my place, my purpose. And maybe someday I'll find it.
"We are not what you think we are, we are golden." - Mika