Wahoo, I am on a roll baby!
And I've got even more fic. This is the second part of a 3 part series. The first part can be found on here somewhere if you need to refresh your memory. I'm going to apologise for this now as I was trying to get the same feeling as in the first part and I think I just ended up being melodramatic. This may be in line for a massive overhaul the next time I'm in a real down mood rather than one manufactured by 'House of Sand and Fog' and Staind for the purposes of fic writing.
Title: To Those In The Dark part 2: Ebb and Flow
Author: Bingelybeep
Summary: In times of need, sometimes it’s just about getting through the day.
Rating: FRT, maybe FRM
Content warning: Character death, sexual situations.
Spoilers: None that I know of but anything up to the end of season 11's fair game.
Disclaimer: I own nothing except a copy of 'House of Sand and Fog', please take it away from me and stop the melodrama!
Ray walked into the bathroom slowly, not sure what to expect. He hated himself just a little bit more when he saw Neela on the floor wearing nothing but his t-shirt and felt himself harden slightly.
Neela looked up at him, no longer crying but the tear tracks still clear on her face. He desperately wanted to take her in his arms and comfort her but he wasn’t sure how welcome that comfort would be right now. Not coming from him anyway. Sensing his indecision Neela raised her arms up to him in a childlike request for a hug and instantly Ray was on his knees in front of her. He held her close and stroked her hair, feeling her relax into his arms and rejoicing that she didn’t hate him for what he had done.
Neela collapsed, exhausted into Ray’s arms and let him hold her up. She was too tired to cry anymore and so she just hung there enjoying the feel of Ray’s hands running through her hair then moving down to rub the back of her neck. She was sure she should feel uncomfortable being this close to him after what had just happened but she really didn’t. Maybe it was just that she was too tired to care. She certainly wasn’t too tired to care about where they went from here though. Her relationship with Ray had always been strange, in some ways they were closer than friends. They lived together and so many boundaries were crossed on a daily basis that they had to be. Living together created moments of strange intimacy. Like the way after long shifts they would occasionally fall asleep on the sofa together, her head resting on his shoulder, until one of them woke up at two in the morning with the neck ache from hell and they would both trudge to their separate rooms. And then in other ways they weren’t even really friends. They fought all the time, they didn’t socialise together and she didn’t think she could even say where he’d been to university, but that didn’t seem to matter somehow, as if they understood each other on a far deeper level. And then there were the moments when it seemed like they were more than friends, or at least had the potential to be. When one of them would turn and catch the other staring at them, when their eyes would lock for just a little bit too long. Sometimes when that happened Neela could swear that he was on the verge of leaning in and kissing her, but it never happened so she buried her disappointment, blamed her oversexed imagination and moved on. But still, there were times when she wasn’t so sure. Once when Ray was handing her her keys their fingers had brushed ever so slightly, an electric tingle had shot straight up her arm and she could have sworn from the way Ray’s own arm had tensed and jerked back the tiniest bit, that he had felt it too but when she looked at his face he was nonchalant, already jabbering away about his next gig.
The thing was, she realised, that even though she was dying inside over Michael’s death, right now she was more worried about losing her crazy, undefined relationship with Ray.
“Ray,” she asked, lifting a face that she knew had to be tearstained and blotchy, “What happens now?”
Ray knew she wasn’t talking about Michael and that gave him a certain twisted hope. ‘Triumphing over a dead man,’ he thought, ‘nice one Barnett.’ The problem was he didn’t know what happened now. He knew that he was burning up inside thinking about what had happened between them last night and that he was accutely aware of everywhere his skin touched hers. He also knew that there was more to this than the physical as he remembered the sick lurch in his stomach that morning as Neela had leapt out of his bed. But most of all he knew that it had been a mistake which Neela would not want to repeat and that he would rather have his roommate and friend than push the issue and lose her completely. Ray hated himself for being such a coward as he heard the non-commital answer coming from his lips.
“Nothing, Neela. Nothing happens now.”
She wanted to cry when she heard those words but she was still just too tired. The soothing feeling of Ray’s hands rubbing slow circles on her back gradually calmed her racing thoughts and she began to drift off into sleep.
Ray could feel her head resting more heavily on his shoulder as the exhausted woman in his arms fell asleep. He felt her breath slow against his neck and watched as her arm gradually slipped off his other shoulder, catching it before it could drop and wake her up. His hand on her back gently slowed until he could remove it and use it to gently maneuveur himself so his back was against a wall. He sat and watched her for several minutes as one hand stroked at the slippery strands of her hair and the other stroked her back again, at one point moving lower to rediscover the sweet curve of her waist and hip before he realised what he was doing and hastily returned to her upper back. Eventually his hands stilled and his head rolled forwards to rest against Neela’s as he too drifted into sleep.
***
When Neela woke later the hazy morning light had brightened into daylight which stung her eyes. She was still curled on Ray’s lap on the bathroom floor, wedged between the wall and the toilet. There was nowhere else she’d rather be and that just made the sickening guilt she was feeling, even worse. ‘The man you’re supposed to be in love with dies and you jump straight into bed with someone else, what exactly does that make you Neela?’ she asked herself. That was the thing though wasn’t it, the man she was *supposed* to be in love with. She’d never said she loved Michael, never even been on a date with him, they had been close friends who could have been more. Then through all the letters she’d built up this fairytale romance which had never actually happened. That’s all it had been, friendship, a kiss, some letters and one night together. So why did she feel so guilty?
Neela jumped slightly as Ray’s hand squeezed reflexively at her hip and she watched him as he slowly began to wake up. She realised that this was the second time in about 12 hours that she’d done this, just sitting silently and watching him wake, the intimacy of the action bringing a small smile to her face. Only she blushed as she remembered what had happened after the last time.
Ray blinked sleepily as he woke, a puzzled frown crossing his face as he took a moment to register where he was. Followed by a slight widening of the eyes as he took note of the woman curled in his lap watching him and remembered how they had ended up there. Finally he twisted his face into an involuntary grimace as the pain in his neck made itself known.
“Hey,” It wasn’t articulate but as he gazed down at Neela’s face he felt that it somehow conveyed everything that needed to be said.
“Hey,” she smiled back up at him. It was a small and decidedly watery smile but it was a definite improvement.
As she stared into his eyes Neela felt an incredible surge of emotion she had never felt for the man cradling her before. She felt a sickening lurch as she tried to imagine the last few hours without him, just the thought making her feel confused and adrift, not sure what to do. She knew that whatever she convinced herself later, the events of last night couldn’t have happened with anyone else. The realisation and all that came with it made her dizzy. For Ray, last night had been an act of comfort and friendship, and honestly, she imagined if any woman had thrown herself at him like that he would have reacted the same way. For her though, it had been a moment of realisation, when she finally understood how much she needed to be near him, to be with him. She also knew that it was a moment she would keep for the rest of her life, one of discovery and loss. She had found the man she knew inside she could love more deeply than anyone she had met so far but she also knew that that one night had been the entirety of their affair.
The misery that coursed through her was enough to drown in but it was nothing compared to the guilt that followed when she realised that for a few moments she had forgotten completely about Michael, more concerned with her own melodramatic inner turmoils.
Without even realising she was speaking she stared up at Ray, eyes frantically searching his as if he held all the answers and heard her own voice questioning him with a desperation she had never heard in it before,
“How could I do that, Ray? How could I betray him so easily?”
Ray was shocked, he’d seen the emotions flitting rapidly across Neela’s perfect face and he had been expecting this reaction, but not so soon. He wanted to be able to treasure the memory of what they’d had for a few brief hours more before it was sullied and he had to recognise it as the selfish act it was. Certainly he had wanted to comfort her, to give her what she needed to get through that first endless night without the man she loved but he had by no means been selfless. When he had woken up to the sight of her on the end of his bed, he had wanted her, with the raw passionate need that snuck up on him so regularly when he was around Neela. Things about her would strike him, the way she held a fork or pushed her hair behind her ear. Simple domestic things. And all of a sudden he’d be drowning in a wash of desire for her, breathless, dry mouthed and confused.
Any chance he had ever had of making her feel the same way was gone now. He would be forever associated with the death of the man she actually loved, the man who had probably made her feel the way that he did right now. He was going to store away every detail of last night, the way she felt and tasted, the noises she made at each different touch. He was going to keep those memories for the rest of his life because he knew now, he knew as he was falling asleep last night, that he’d found the one, but he’d arrived too late and now he’d lost her forever.
The knowledge made him unreasonably cruel, as if she should have known in her soul that he was coming, that she had to wait for him, as though she was the one who had betrayed him, not that he was the one who had taken advantage of her grief. He wanted to hurt her the way she had hurt him.
“You didn’t betray him, the truth is he’s not here to betray any more. Last night was about you needing to live on, to be alive without him.”
His words softened at the end. Even though he wanted to rip at her with his words he still couldn’t stifle the need to keep her close and protect her with all he had.
Neela stiffened at the harsh reminder that Michael was gone and then felt herself go even more cold inside at the clear indication that last night had meant nothing to Ray. That in some twisted way it had been him being a good friend. Still she couldn’t shake the hope and the guilt. She knew that it hadn’t all been about need, she had needed him, but she wanted him too. As they had explored each others’ bodies so feverishly she hadn’t thought about Michael, could barely remember his name, which is why when it flashed through her mind it had consumed her until she found herself crying it out as she flew over the edge, not because of him but for him. Like a last sick prayer.
Something in her seemed to need more punishment though, she needed to confess what had driven her and to try to explain her guilt while she still had the courage. But when she tried the words seemed to wedge in her throat.
“What if it wasn’t needing? I mean- I wanted to. I- it was- . How could I - when he was -.”
Ray heard the guilt tearing at her in her voice and let it squelch the hope he had felt rising when she talked about wanting. She had wanted the comfort, maybe even wanted the physical act, but she hadn’t wanted him. He tried to ease her guilt, tried to make her understand, all the while feeling sick inside as he wrote off the most beautiful moment of his life like some kind of heavy drinking session. Something nasty but forgiveable, to be forgotten as soon as possible. Although as he spoke the last sentence something told him he was telling himself more than he was telling her.
“Sometimes it’s not about want. Sometimes it’s about need, it’s about hurt and comfort. Sometimes it’s just about getting through the day.”
With every word Neela died a little more inside. She felt like a tree in autumn, watching as one perfect leaf after another inevitably shrivelled and fell. Still, she couldn’t leave this chance. The need for him still burned inside her in a way she knew would never be satisfied but if once more was all she was allowed she would still take it and savour every moment, to sustain her for the rest of her life.
“But what if I still hurt? What if I still… want?”
Ray looked sharply at her face and held in the involuntary gasp at her words. He could take being second best and hearing her call out another man’s name if it meant he could keep her in his arms just a few minutes longer. He locked his eyes with hers and lowered his voice, speaking deliberately.
“Then you take what you need.”
It was Neela’s turn to hold in a gasp. She knew that being able to love him one more time would only make things worse but she felt like an addict. The thing she craved so desperately was being handed to her and she didn’t have the willpower to resist. She raised a hand to his face, stroking gently at the contours of his cheekbone, rubbing the pad of her thumb over the bruised looking flesh under his eye where he clearly hadn’t slept. She wanted to remember every detail of him. Running her thumb down and over his full lower lip she felt her breathing grow harsh as she asked breathlessly,
“But what about you?”
Ray could barely speak and instead he locked eyes with her, trying to convey the ecstatic feeling of perfection he felt when she touched him. He kissed the pad of her thumb before drawing the digit into his mouth, suckling at it before gently biting the tip and soothing the slight pain with his tongue. Memorising every layer of the intricate salty taste. Satisfaction washed over him as he watched her eyes darken and then slip closed. Pulling her hand from his mouth he placed a hot, fervent, open mouthed kiss on the soft underside of her wrist, feeling the racing pulse below his lips. He stared at her hand, wondering at it’s smallness cradled in his own as he answered in a tone of voice that neither of them could decipher. It held resignation and something far deeper.
“Maybe I’m not the important one here.”
Neela couldn’t pretend to understand the meaning of his words or the way he said them but she felt sure she would one day.
And with that their lips met once more, there was a desperation in their kisses now which hadn’t been there the night before and it left a faint bitter taste on their tongues. Still joined at the mouth Ray laid her on the floor almost reverently, both of them wincing at the sharp pain as their muscles came back to life after being still for so long.
They made love almost silently, stretched out on the cold tiles of the bathroom floor, both deep in concentration as they stored every detail about the other to get them through the years to come. And this time, she didn’t call out anyone else’s name as the world imploded around her.
Afterwards they lay there, intertwined, chilled from the rapid cooling of their bodies but unwilling to move and end the moment. And they both pretended that this wasn’t an act of need and comfort but that it was something deeper, that they were being held by someone who loved them and that there was no need to worry about the moment ending, because it would be followed by a lifetime of others even better. They both knew that however they ended up, whoever they married, however many children they had, nothing was going to compare to the bittersweet memory of this one moment so painful and perfect it was almost holy.
Title: To Those In The Dark part 2: Ebb and Flow
Author: Bingelybeep
Summary: In times of need, sometimes it’s just about getting through the day.
Rating: FRT, maybe FRM
Content warning: Character death, sexual situations.
Spoilers: None that I know of but anything up to the end of season 11's fair game.
Disclaimer: I own nothing except a copy of 'House of Sand and Fog', please take it away from me and stop the melodrama!
Ray walked into the bathroom slowly, not sure what to expect. He hated himself just a little bit more when he saw Neela on the floor wearing nothing but his t-shirt and felt himself harden slightly.
Neela looked up at him, no longer crying but the tear tracks still clear on her face. He desperately wanted to take her in his arms and comfort her but he wasn’t sure how welcome that comfort would be right now. Not coming from him anyway. Sensing his indecision Neela raised her arms up to him in a childlike request for a hug and instantly Ray was on his knees in front of her. He held her close and stroked her hair, feeling her relax into his arms and rejoicing that she didn’t hate him for what he had done.
Neela collapsed, exhausted into Ray’s arms and let him hold her up. She was too tired to cry anymore and so she just hung there enjoying the feel of Ray’s hands running through her hair then moving down to rub the back of her neck. She was sure she should feel uncomfortable being this close to him after what had just happened but she really didn’t. Maybe it was just that she was too tired to care. She certainly wasn’t too tired to care about where they went from here though. Her relationship with Ray had always been strange, in some ways they were closer than friends. They lived together and so many boundaries were crossed on a daily basis that they had to be. Living together created moments of strange intimacy. Like the way after long shifts they would occasionally fall asleep on the sofa together, her head resting on his shoulder, until one of them woke up at two in the morning with the neck ache from hell and they would both trudge to their separate rooms. And then in other ways they weren’t even really friends. They fought all the time, they didn’t socialise together and she didn’t think she could even say where he’d been to university, but that didn’t seem to matter somehow, as if they understood each other on a far deeper level. And then there were the moments when it seemed like they were more than friends, or at least had the potential to be. When one of them would turn and catch the other staring at them, when their eyes would lock for just a little bit too long. Sometimes when that happened Neela could swear that he was on the verge of leaning in and kissing her, but it never happened so she buried her disappointment, blamed her oversexed imagination and moved on. But still, there were times when she wasn’t so sure. Once when Ray was handing her her keys their fingers had brushed ever so slightly, an electric tingle had shot straight up her arm and she could have sworn from the way Ray’s own arm had tensed and jerked back the tiniest bit, that he had felt it too but when she looked at his face he was nonchalant, already jabbering away about his next gig.
The thing was, she realised, that even though she was dying inside over Michael’s death, right now she was more worried about losing her crazy, undefined relationship with Ray.
“Ray,” she asked, lifting a face that she knew had to be tearstained and blotchy, “What happens now?”
Ray knew she wasn’t talking about Michael and that gave him a certain twisted hope. ‘Triumphing over a dead man,’ he thought, ‘nice one Barnett.’ The problem was he didn’t know what happened now. He knew that he was burning up inside thinking about what had happened between them last night and that he was accutely aware of everywhere his skin touched hers. He also knew that there was more to this than the physical as he remembered the sick lurch in his stomach that morning as Neela had leapt out of his bed. But most of all he knew that it had been a mistake which Neela would not want to repeat and that he would rather have his roommate and friend than push the issue and lose her completely. Ray hated himself for being such a coward as he heard the non-commital answer coming from his lips.
“Nothing, Neela. Nothing happens now.”
She wanted to cry when she heard those words but she was still just too tired. The soothing feeling of Ray’s hands rubbing slow circles on her back gradually calmed her racing thoughts and she began to drift off into sleep.
Ray could feel her head resting more heavily on his shoulder as the exhausted woman in his arms fell asleep. He felt her breath slow against his neck and watched as her arm gradually slipped off his other shoulder, catching it before it could drop and wake her up. His hand on her back gently slowed until he could remove it and use it to gently maneuveur himself so his back was against a wall. He sat and watched her for several minutes as one hand stroked at the slippery strands of her hair and the other stroked her back again, at one point moving lower to rediscover the sweet curve of her waist and hip before he realised what he was doing and hastily returned to her upper back. Eventually his hands stilled and his head rolled forwards to rest against Neela’s as he too drifted into sleep.
***
When Neela woke later the hazy morning light had brightened into daylight which stung her eyes. She was still curled on Ray’s lap on the bathroom floor, wedged between the wall and the toilet. There was nowhere else she’d rather be and that just made the sickening guilt she was feeling, even worse. ‘The man you’re supposed to be in love with dies and you jump straight into bed with someone else, what exactly does that make you Neela?’ she asked herself. That was the thing though wasn’t it, the man she was *supposed* to be in love with. She’d never said she loved Michael, never even been on a date with him, they had been close friends who could have been more. Then through all the letters she’d built up this fairytale romance which had never actually happened. That’s all it had been, friendship, a kiss, some letters and one night together. So why did she feel so guilty?
Neela jumped slightly as Ray’s hand squeezed reflexively at her hip and she watched him as he slowly began to wake up. She realised that this was the second time in about 12 hours that she’d done this, just sitting silently and watching him wake, the intimacy of the action bringing a small smile to her face. Only she blushed as she remembered what had happened after the last time.
Ray blinked sleepily as he woke, a puzzled frown crossing his face as he took a moment to register where he was. Followed by a slight widening of the eyes as he took note of the woman curled in his lap watching him and remembered how they had ended up there. Finally he twisted his face into an involuntary grimace as the pain in his neck made itself known.
“Hey,” It wasn’t articulate but as he gazed down at Neela’s face he felt that it somehow conveyed everything that needed to be said.
“Hey,” she smiled back up at him. It was a small and decidedly watery smile but it was a definite improvement.
As she stared into his eyes Neela felt an incredible surge of emotion she had never felt for the man cradling her before. She felt a sickening lurch as she tried to imagine the last few hours without him, just the thought making her feel confused and adrift, not sure what to do. She knew that whatever she convinced herself later, the events of last night couldn’t have happened with anyone else. The realisation and all that came with it made her dizzy. For Ray, last night had been an act of comfort and friendship, and honestly, she imagined if any woman had thrown herself at him like that he would have reacted the same way. For her though, it had been a moment of realisation, when she finally understood how much she needed to be near him, to be with him. She also knew that it was a moment she would keep for the rest of her life, one of discovery and loss. She had found the man she knew inside she could love more deeply than anyone she had met so far but she also knew that that one night had been the entirety of their affair.
The misery that coursed through her was enough to drown in but it was nothing compared to the guilt that followed when she realised that for a few moments she had forgotten completely about Michael, more concerned with her own melodramatic inner turmoils.
Without even realising she was speaking she stared up at Ray, eyes frantically searching his as if he held all the answers and heard her own voice questioning him with a desperation she had never heard in it before,
“How could I do that, Ray? How could I betray him so easily?”
Ray was shocked, he’d seen the emotions flitting rapidly across Neela’s perfect face and he had been expecting this reaction, but not so soon. He wanted to be able to treasure the memory of what they’d had for a few brief hours more before it was sullied and he had to recognise it as the selfish act it was. Certainly he had wanted to comfort her, to give her what she needed to get through that first endless night without the man she loved but he had by no means been selfless. When he had woken up to the sight of her on the end of his bed, he had wanted her, with the raw passionate need that snuck up on him so regularly when he was around Neela. Things about her would strike him, the way she held a fork or pushed her hair behind her ear. Simple domestic things. And all of a sudden he’d be drowning in a wash of desire for her, breathless, dry mouthed and confused.
Any chance he had ever had of making her feel the same way was gone now. He would be forever associated with the death of the man she actually loved, the man who had probably made her feel the way that he did right now. He was going to store away every detail of last night, the way she felt and tasted, the noises she made at each different touch. He was going to keep those memories for the rest of his life because he knew now, he knew as he was falling asleep last night, that he’d found the one, but he’d arrived too late and now he’d lost her forever.
The knowledge made him unreasonably cruel, as if she should have known in her soul that he was coming, that she had to wait for him, as though she was the one who had betrayed him, not that he was the one who had taken advantage of her grief. He wanted to hurt her the way she had hurt him.
“You didn’t betray him, the truth is he’s not here to betray any more. Last night was about you needing to live on, to be alive without him.”
His words softened at the end. Even though he wanted to rip at her with his words he still couldn’t stifle the need to keep her close and protect her with all he had.
Neela stiffened at the harsh reminder that Michael was gone and then felt herself go even more cold inside at the clear indication that last night had meant nothing to Ray. That in some twisted way it had been him being a good friend. Still she couldn’t shake the hope and the guilt. She knew that it hadn’t all been about need, she had needed him, but she wanted him too. As they had explored each others’ bodies so feverishly she hadn’t thought about Michael, could barely remember his name, which is why when it flashed through her mind it had consumed her until she found herself crying it out as she flew over the edge, not because of him but for him. Like a last sick prayer.
Something in her seemed to need more punishment though, she needed to confess what had driven her and to try to explain her guilt while she still had the courage. But when she tried the words seemed to wedge in her throat.
“What if it wasn’t needing? I mean- I wanted to. I- it was- . How could I - when he was -.”
Ray heard the guilt tearing at her in her voice and let it squelch the hope he had felt rising when she talked about wanting. She had wanted the comfort, maybe even wanted the physical act, but she hadn’t wanted him. He tried to ease her guilt, tried to make her understand, all the while feeling sick inside as he wrote off the most beautiful moment of his life like some kind of heavy drinking session. Something nasty but forgiveable, to be forgotten as soon as possible. Although as he spoke the last sentence something told him he was telling himself more than he was telling her.
“Sometimes it’s not about want. Sometimes it’s about need, it’s about hurt and comfort. Sometimes it’s just about getting through the day.”
With every word Neela died a little more inside. She felt like a tree in autumn, watching as one perfect leaf after another inevitably shrivelled and fell. Still, she couldn’t leave this chance. The need for him still burned inside her in a way she knew would never be satisfied but if once more was all she was allowed she would still take it and savour every moment, to sustain her for the rest of her life.
“But what if I still hurt? What if I still… want?”
Ray looked sharply at her face and held in the involuntary gasp at her words. He could take being second best and hearing her call out another man’s name if it meant he could keep her in his arms just a few minutes longer. He locked his eyes with hers and lowered his voice, speaking deliberately.
“Then you take what you need.”
It was Neela’s turn to hold in a gasp. She knew that being able to love him one more time would only make things worse but she felt like an addict. The thing she craved so desperately was being handed to her and she didn’t have the willpower to resist. She raised a hand to his face, stroking gently at the contours of his cheekbone, rubbing the pad of her thumb over the bruised looking flesh under his eye where he clearly hadn’t slept. She wanted to remember every detail of him. Running her thumb down and over his full lower lip she felt her breathing grow harsh as she asked breathlessly,
“But what about you?”
Ray could barely speak and instead he locked eyes with her, trying to convey the ecstatic feeling of perfection he felt when she touched him. He kissed the pad of her thumb before drawing the digit into his mouth, suckling at it before gently biting the tip and soothing the slight pain with his tongue. Memorising every layer of the intricate salty taste. Satisfaction washed over him as he watched her eyes darken and then slip closed. Pulling her hand from his mouth he placed a hot, fervent, open mouthed kiss on the soft underside of her wrist, feeling the racing pulse below his lips. He stared at her hand, wondering at it’s smallness cradled in his own as he answered in a tone of voice that neither of them could decipher. It held resignation and something far deeper.
“Maybe I’m not the important one here.”
Neela couldn’t pretend to understand the meaning of his words or the way he said them but she felt sure she would one day.
And with that their lips met once more, there was a desperation in their kisses now which hadn’t been there the night before and it left a faint bitter taste on their tongues. Still joined at the mouth Ray laid her on the floor almost reverently, both of them wincing at the sharp pain as their muscles came back to life after being still for so long.
They made love almost silently, stretched out on the cold tiles of the bathroom floor, both deep in concentration as they stored every detail about the other to get them through the years to come. And this time, she didn’t call out anyone else’s name as the world imploded around her.
Afterwards they lay there, intertwined, chilled from the rapid cooling of their bodies but unwilling to move and end the moment. And they both pretended that this wasn’t an act of need and comfort but that it was something deeper, that they were being held by someone who loved them and that there was no need to worry about the moment ending, because it would be followed by a lifetime of others even better. They both knew that however they ended up, whoever they married, however many children they had, nothing was going to compare to the bittersweet memory of this one moment so painful and perfect it was almost holy.