"You are the only one my everything, and for you this song I sing ..."
March 30th ... A year ago today I woke up in my room with a text message that said "I love you" and I felt so loved and wanted. How do I know this? Thanks go out to my tiny Marissa because she got me to make a livejournal on March 27th last year, which was the day I went to the movies with Zach when I proved to him that oompa loompas were a real candy. Tomorrow though is the day I should be making this entry, March 31st. God, I thought it would never be March 31st again and here I sit a day away from it. Zach and I's (what would have been) one year anniversary ... damn friends, how time flies and things change. You go from saying you'll love someone till the day you die to ... fucking up your life in a small amount of time. I guess that is being a little extreme - because I know things will get better but right now I feel worse than I think I've truly ever felt before. It's not about being in trouble so much either - shit I'm used to being in trouble and screwing up. But to live through the day that you once had big plans for and just hang your head and try and forget all the memories ... it's like cutting your heart out. But I don't know why I do it to myself ... I never know why I do these things to myself. Why I cause myself more problems when I have plenty to deal with. Think ... had I stayed with Zach and not screwed things up between us where would I be now? Would I be happier? Would I be better? ... I don't know maybe or maybe not, it so pointless to ask. Never say times can't get worse ... then a year later it will all be fucked up - and it will be your fault. I must say though I'd rather got through all this being in trouble and no car and no mash program and no lacrosse (haven’t really asked about that) or anything else than have to go through missing Zach like I did back then ... that hurt probably more than anything. Maybe knowing we would still be together was comforting and it should be worse now or something but really the comforting thing is knowing we'll never be together again ... that makes missing him easier now than it was then. I did learn one important thing from all that ... hope doesn't exist. I told myself for years that it did but it doesn't. Hope is what we rely on when we can't do anything ourselves ... until we realize if we can't do anything than nothing can be done. Whether we mess it up or fix it up after there is nothing left to do and we realize there is no hope we can forget about it ... most people anyway. I'm sick of acting like this though ... sick of acting so depressive when I know there is a subconscious reason I'm doing it. Damnit ... I can't wait for the next up in my life. Aren't we all waiting on the day things get better? I'll try and be more grateful next time that day comes along.