"I'll be your crying sholder; I'll be love suicide; I'll be better when I'm older ..."
"Girls with no fathers ..." -- No, not exactly what I'm looking for hmmmm more like "lives of girls without their fathers love" -- I'm getting close to a statement on that one but still not what I'm looking for exactly. I'll try my explantion first. A thought ran across my head. I recall hearing at different times in my life about how girls need to be loved my their fathers or they will look for that love else where and it could end up a pretty bad thing. I always thought ... "bullshit, that is just their excuse for being sluts". But more recently I have thought that it wasn't always about the sluty girls, it didn't say without their fathers love they'd go screw every guy they meet just that those girls will look for love else where. I thought ... when I was a kid I loved my Daddy sooo much. Omg I was the biggest daddy's girl you've ever seen. I don't know what it was but I just loved my Daddy sooo much. Now, I'm going to make some comments here that are going to sound pretty much like I'm blaming all my abnormalities, weaknesses, and life problems on my mom's two divorces, but that isn't what I'm trying to do. I would just like to figure out if that really had any kind of affect on me. I remember the time when I finally got to where I didn't care so much about having a guy or even just a best friend to make me happy was when my mom got married. Rodney was like having a Daddy again, and I loved Rodney like I loved my Daddy when I was a little girl. It was so great. I mean I couldn't really snuggle up to Rodney and watch TV or anything like with my dad (cause even now when I see him I act like I'm five) but still I loved him like a dad. To watch him break my mom's heart was terrible ... it broke my heart. I felt almost as much pain as my mom did because again ... I just missed my "daddy". I think when Rodney and my mom's marriage started to seem shaky is when I really started to connect with my brother. I started to really love my brother more than anything in the world, and I still do. My brother is everything but I don't have that openly displayed love back from him. I know he loves me just the same but I mean he is a guy and a guy can't be all open with his sister so yea I understand. I'm getting to -- do I hunger to be felt loved? Then, why doesn't the love of Donata and Amber and Marissa and my mom and my dad even though he isn't here and so many others satisfiy that hunger. Why do I often feel like no one loves me? When in truth so many people do. Why is it that I even have to debate with myself and come up with a reason for the way I feel? Why do I make myself so complicated full knowing it is only damaging to myself? It is like smoking - even when you full well know its bad for you you do it anyway - but then I realize you are getting something out of smoking, even if it's killing you. Just like drinking sodas or eating sweets - you know it's bad but you do it because you still get something out of it. What am I getting out of being complicated? ... then BAM I got it ... attention, feeling cared for, feeling concerned for. Strange how things connect I must say. Gnight friends.