Getting it all off my chest!!
Yeah so it has been a while. I have so much on my mind, so many thoughts that swim through my mind that it is hard to concentrate on getting me together. I want to go home. It is all I think about when my mind clears. I won't leave though, not unless I can take all of my children with me. I picture life on the land that my father left for me; a possible little farm, clearing out the pond and making it nice around it so we can have picnics around it and sitting around a fire at night, roasting marshmallows and just being silly. I want something that no one can take away from me, that no one can tell me I have to go. I don't want my children wondering where we are going to live next. I look at my life and wonder where I made the wrong choices but then look at it as if I didn't make those bad choices, I wouldn't have my wonderful children. I want something better for them that what they are getting from me. I want to do something about all of my wantings but for some reason, no matter how frustrated I get, no matter how fed up I get, I can't seem to get the gumption to do it. I look at people who have been in worse situations than me and have done so much for themselves while the only thing I do is mildly envy for their courage and say I wish that were me. I'm tired of feeling lost and lonely. I'm tired of feeling like I am not good enough anymore. I'm tired of being tired of how I feel or what I am not doing with my life to make it better. And I am just tired. Do I feel better? Not really but it will happen eventually.