get me home!!
amsterdam is really getting me down.
the place-to-stay issue (yes, it is an issue) is bringing the whole trip down very violently.
i don't know what is really up with anna, and i honestly don't really want to know, because i already know (this) that it's going to be way too much to even begin to work with. i think she's depressed and suppressing it with this other complete utter shit.
she has major major issues and they bring out the worst in me. we already had a yelling fight. i think i've maybe gotten a little bit better with my anger issues because it didn't feel right to feel that way again, i feel possessed, the energy inside of me is uncontrollable. and i apologized, which led to sort of a strange reaction on anna's part, all she said was "welcome to my world," and kind of happily dismissed my rather intense outburst.
i can count the times i've felt at peace here on one hand. her energy is nervous and aggressive and gets really weird about little things. i was ready to go back to delft this morning, the only thing keeping me here is dead meadow wednesday evening. i'm homesick for delft. by 3 i felt normal again, free in my own thoughts, happily peddeling along on the stolen bike i bought last night. i discovered another The Perfect Shop, which i actually just wrote to dead meadow about.
i almost passed it, but i couldn't; there are massive stripped trees leaning against the outside and there's just one woman and a cat listening to gentle reggae. there is so much small stuff that i almost died (liz and i love small things A LOT so when we went to CA occasionally we would overdose and kind of become blind to all small objects for a while). she made me hot chocolate and cleared some space for me on the platform between the first and second floors.
it's called "Coffeeshop Sanementereng" and it's NOT a high-traffic area. i run into these weird places because i don't like going down the same street each time. i haven't smoked there but i'm going to buy some marijauna there tomorrow after the antique/junk market she told me i might find my medalion at. that and the minutes after i left were the happiest moments of the day because i also discovered the location of meleo mala or whatever it is, which is an actual place of real music unlike the shit i went to tonight which was like buying those meals from a vending machine.
so at 3/4am i'm going to be woken up by anna impatiently holding down the door buzzer. i took cushions from the couches in the common room because last night i slept on floor. not carpet, not even wood, but thinly veiled concrete or whatever they make buildings out of.
i don't think i can do this again. i'll pay for a hostel. this is miserable.
the place-to-stay issue (yes, it is an issue) is bringing the whole trip down very violently.
i don't know what is really up with anna, and i honestly don't really want to know, because i already know (this) that it's going to be way too much to even begin to work with. i think she's depressed and suppressing it with this other complete utter shit.
she has major major issues and they bring out the worst in me. we already had a yelling fight. i think i've maybe gotten a little bit better with my anger issues because it didn't feel right to feel that way again, i feel possessed, the energy inside of me is uncontrollable. and i apologized, which led to sort of a strange reaction on anna's part, all she said was "welcome to my world," and kind of happily dismissed my rather intense outburst.
i can count the times i've felt at peace here on one hand. her energy is nervous and aggressive and gets really weird about little things. i was ready to go back to delft this morning, the only thing keeping me here is dead meadow wednesday evening. i'm homesick for delft. by 3 i felt normal again, free in my own thoughts, happily peddeling along on the stolen bike i bought last night. i discovered another The Perfect Shop, which i actually just wrote to dead meadow about.
i almost passed it, but i couldn't; there are massive stripped trees leaning against the outside and there's just one woman and a cat listening to gentle reggae. there is so much small stuff that i almost died (liz and i love small things A LOT so when we went to CA occasionally we would overdose and kind of become blind to all small objects for a while). she made me hot chocolate and cleared some space for me on the platform between the first and second floors.
it's called "Coffeeshop Sanementereng" and it's NOT a high-traffic area. i run into these weird places because i don't like going down the same street each time. i haven't smoked there but i'm going to buy some marijauna there tomorrow after the antique/junk market she told me i might find my medalion at. that and the minutes after i left were the happiest moments of the day because i also discovered the location of meleo mala or whatever it is, which is an actual place of real music unlike the shit i went to tonight which was like buying those meals from a vending machine.
so at 3/4am i'm going to be woken up by anna impatiently holding down the door buzzer. i took cushions from the couches in the common room because last night i slept on floor. not carpet, not even wood, but thinly veiled concrete or whatever they make buildings out of.
i don't think i can do this again. i'll pay for a hostel. this is miserable.