Balance & Writing
WOW! I do not know where this week went, its disappeared in a frenzy of opportunity, light and activity so fast, today I'm planting my feet firmly on the ground by resting so that my body can catch up with the beautiful experiences I've enjoyed these last seven fun filled days.
Longstanding readers of my personal blog which is now into its 11th year online, will remember following a *** profoundly humbling and humiliating experience *** back at the start of March 2011 after which I decided to write things down in some sort of charted date order as things happened so I wouldn't forget how I felt at each moment, with a view to getting my 'book' published in the future once I was out the other side of the vortex into a more health and fitness induced way of life as opposed to the hell I was in before which was dark, negative, zapped of energy or health and just plain too heavy for me to bear.
Well, I think the time has come to address the writing now, I've reached quite a good place in my life, I am filled with health and vitality, spiritually I'm stronger than ever before having found my true self, listened to, acted upon information received from within, not once swaying from the path or doubting what needed to be done knowing I could do it, I could get ME to what and where I am right now, so as I am well and truly out the other side with all of my previous health issues having been resolved except one which is in the pipeline as we speak to become resolved, I feel the time has absolutely arrived to start looking through all the notes I've been making religiously as things happened, as I felt things along this incredible shrinking journey, dealing with past demons as they surfaced which was so often it was scary, running, oh my I could write over 5000 words just on what that experience was like the first time I took the plunge and my foot stepped over the edge of the athletics track my other leg lifting and placing my other foot in front of the first then out of nowhere the power just took over and I propelled myself around that track willing my legs to carry me back to the start and not dump me on the floor half way around, that experience was so intensely mega huge I can still feel it now like it just happened earlier today!
If I sat down and kept saying I must find the time to edit, write and assemble notes already written in some sort of order, translating them from the numerous shoe boxes of scribbled notes into a beautifully presented document on my new macbook pro laptop, I'd never do it, there is no perfect space, there is no perfect time in which to be creative, I know this from being creative in other fields.
So I've decided to rope making sense of all of my material into other activities which I enjoy. Reflecting on this during meditation these past few days I have narrowed down the time and space needed and found gaps in my now ridiculously busy schedule and household, I am still a Mum of six soon to have a houseful of nine / ten family members for the summer months, I will still need to keep up with my exercise program to stay on track too as well as working.
So when I go to the gym twice a week for the full program of free weights, cardio, running, basic strength training on the machines, stretches and the body weight exercises I do on the mats, the other twice weekly shorter sessions mainly for targeted weights and strength training, I will stay behind like I normally do for a coffee but will devote the 40 minutes to my coffee and writing instead of just the coffee and chatting. On the two studio class days I will arrive early like always but take my laptop and do half an hour to 40 minutes before each of the three classes and do my run afterwards, I usually arrive early go running then go sit outside the studio cooing down a bit waiting for the instructor, this way I will have continuity because there are three classes spread over two days each working different muscle groups so I'll be able to exercise physically and reach a nice headspace on those days. On the last remaining weekday I have studio classes elsewhere not at my regular gym or sports center, I've yet to see what its like in the building but when I do in a couple of days I'm sure I can find a private space to sit for half an hour before the class to do some more editing, putting things in order, might not even need the laptop for that task as there are so many pieces of paper now with hand written notes, luckily I had the mind to put dates on them otherwise this task of putting them into order to be typed would have taken absolutely ages. The reason they are not in date order already is because I made myself like little post boxes sealed out of large shoe boxes, I would write stuff down particularly upsetting material which this method worked so well for, then fold the piece of paper and post it into the cut out slit at the top of the box, I could let it go and forget about it. The boxes became healing vessels, I could put feelings in to them and let them go knowing I would be doing all of this in the future, taking them out one by one and processing them into some sort of order and properly letting them go from my physical self as well.
Project is therefore split into phase 1 and 2, hopefully if plans stay on track, I'll have a pile of paper with some typed notes in date order by the beginning of August which will be the completion of phase 1, I can make a start in producing the typed neatly presented document for phase 2. Will not put a time scale on the second half of the project or put places or times on where I will do the work because I want to wait to take out all the paper notes and add them to my already typed up blog first.
I am both excited and scared to death of doing all of this, the latter because I went through such horrendous ups and downs along this journey physically and mentally, emotionally I think I was immensely strong and powerful but in body the pain and physical restrictions were very strong, I know when I read back and face the raw feelings I wrote down at the time they are going to be painfully revisited, but its something I am also aware that I need to put to bed once and for all so I can travel even further forwards in my life now. I feel quite angry about a lot of what happened I know I need to let the experiences go one by one and this will be the perfect way of doing just that. Hopefully my headspace will be freed up sufficiently for me to carry on enjoying the journey, I still have a little bit of weight to loose for a normal body mass index then there is targeting the loose skin which I'm already addressing with varying degrees of success.
I feel totally and completely proud that I did save all this material, it is my hope that all of these dark heavy clouds I went through and am very much alive and kicking having come through the other side, will give hope to others who are living in poor negative states with little or no doctor's support, that there is life after obesity, life after medical trauma, life by overcoming adversity, life in truth and lightness that comes with feeling vitality - all the things which I'm enjoying right now.