Discipline
I have received a lot of messages after yesterday's long ranting post about my children's lack of courtesy. One thing that seems to be a common factor within the supportive messages is that most people feel that taking something away causing their child or children to feel resentment is the way to go to discipline them when they step out of line.
Please do not take this the wrong way, I disagree with causing any of my children to feel resentment either towards either of us Parents or Each Other.
I feel that dishing out "disappointment" is a much more powerful weapon to use than the negative "resentment" tool, with "ashamed" being a back up to reinforce "disappointment".
For the most part, episodes like yesterday are rare in our household, usually we are a close knit team each one playing there part in the overall maintenance of the "family". Lately though, two significant changes have been introduced, one slightly more gradual than the other but both new large elements all the same : my health sliding on a downwards slope causing me to become much weaker than usual both in physical and emotional terms, the introduction of another person into the household on a daily basis until late at night has caused a lot of disruption as that quiet balanced period of calm family winding down time virtually disappeared.
Disappointment : the kids can handle my shouting, screaming and rants telling them off or trying to punish them, but when I show how disappointed I am in each of them, the results are miraculous and more long lasting than if I take something away from them only to give it back later. As I have six children to provide emotional, stability and practical needs for, I would be making a rod for my own back if I started down the road of punishing or grounding in the usual sense of the words, taking something away, making the older two stay in etc. Turning off the electricity to the upstairs of the house instead of screaming is the usual thing that I do if I see anything like yesterday with the kitchen instead of shouting at them. I was seriously out of control with my screaming yesterday and the last three or four days I think. I should have stuck to doing the power switch off not saying anything because they all know what it is they did they do not need me broadcasting it to the entire street and the one behind as well. They soon jump up and fix what ever it is they think needs doing when I do that, no shouting or screaming involved, then when its all done they all go quietly and sit upstairs in their rooms delegating which one will come and talk to me about it or ask when the power can be turned back on to their rooms.
I felt like I had reached the end of my rope and had a tantrum, well several actually, now feel that it is all out of my system sufficiently enough to deal with it all today. Ivan just came up to me with a cuddle and said "Mum the kitchen is still spotless" smiling sweetly as he put his head on my shoulder, arms wrapped around me, Angelica presented me with a hot cup of tea, Imogen has fallen back to sleep in bed and Harvey is still sound asleep beside me.
The electricity thing is powerful because a) it is taking something away but is only used when things get seriously out of hand like yesterday, b) it means there is no internet because the router is plugged in to the broadband modem in our room upstairs so no power to the sockets means that goes off as well as does the ability to go on the computer, xbox or wii, even the DS activities are limited. If they argue amongst themselves I leave it off for longer until the house is back to its usual calm quiet state.
As we dont live a materialistic lifestyle, material possessions dont really hold the same value to the kids as the kids they play with, so taking those things away that they do use is actually pointless because they find paper, pens and stuff and get on with other things whilst they wait the time out. Its harder for the boys to be without their xboxes or laptops because a huge part of their lives revolve around those things but for the other three, Angelica has only just been allowed a facebook account, Imogen and Ivan are only allowed on certain websites and games, they are not allowed to interact with people online yet unless one of the older three, daddy or myself are doing it with them.
Sweets, yes that is something dreadful which I dont really understand why Lionel and Dad have been doing this, buying them to keep Harvey quiet. they said its so that I dont get disturbed when I am resting, but I pointed out that its counter productive then because when I get up after a rest he is so wound and hyper that it is impossible to get him to sit calmly to do anything plus it takes absolutely ages for him to wind down, I dont have the energy to deal with that so Imogen gets stuck playing with him instead sometimes until very late at night. I rest always mid evening so around seven'ish getting up around nine or so. I do this mostly every other day so does that mean Harvey had sweeties or lollies every other day too for like three weeks? that makes me feel ill the thought of his little system coping with all that artificial crap. I spoke with Daddy last night and last week about this, I went through all that pain, uncomfortable open wounds and everything so that I could breastfeed this child and him and Lionel with girlfriend are now undoing all of that hard work that I suffered through doing virtually twenty four hours a day. He said he could see the point and will not be buying any more, then yesterday Lionel sneakily gave Harvey a sweet so got blasted by me, I told him not to bother coming home next time he is out and going to be later than nine to nine thirty Sunday through to Thursday evenings and definitely no sweets are allowed in the house from now on, if his girlfriend or him bring some home with them they must keep them hidden and out of sight or he'll come home one day from college and his room will be stripped bare of things.
I hate bad feeling within the family, its negative. Hopefully things will calm down somewhat again, I hope so because honestly I feel so horrible shouting like that, it has shaken my core quite a bit.
I do love that I can take my children anywhere and feel proud when people say how wonderful they are but inside I know I am not raising a bunch of performing seals, they are highly intelligent individuals each with their own special set of needs, I know they have a lot to contribute to the world and feel proud that they will each one day make their mark. I do not want them to look back on these precious years of their childhood and remember resentment as being one of the most dominating features and I feel proud that I know for sure that will not be the case.
Please do not take this the wrong way, I disagree with causing any of my children to feel resentment either towards either of us Parents or Each Other.
I feel that dishing out "disappointment" is a much more powerful weapon to use than the negative "resentment" tool, with "ashamed" being a back up to reinforce "disappointment".
For the most part, episodes like yesterday are rare in our household, usually we are a close knit team each one playing there part in the overall maintenance of the "family". Lately though, two significant changes have been introduced, one slightly more gradual than the other but both new large elements all the same : my health sliding on a downwards slope causing me to become much weaker than usual both in physical and emotional terms, the introduction of another person into the household on a daily basis until late at night has caused a lot of disruption as that quiet balanced period of calm family winding down time virtually disappeared.
Disappointment : the kids can handle my shouting, screaming and rants telling them off or trying to punish them, but when I show how disappointed I am in each of them, the results are miraculous and more long lasting than if I take something away from them only to give it back later. As I have six children to provide emotional, stability and practical needs for, I would be making a rod for my own back if I started down the road of punishing or grounding in the usual sense of the words, taking something away, making the older two stay in etc. Turning off the electricity to the upstairs of the house instead of screaming is the usual thing that I do if I see anything like yesterday with the kitchen instead of shouting at them. I was seriously out of control with my screaming yesterday and the last three or four days I think. I should have stuck to doing the power switch off not saying anything because they all know what it is they did they do not need me broadcasting it to the entire street and the one behind as well. They soon jump up and fix what ever it is they think needs doing when I do that, no shouting or screaming involved, then when its all done they all go quietly and sit upstairs in their rooms delegating which one will come and talk to me about it or ask when the power can be turned back on to their rooms.
I felt like I had reached the end of my rope and had a tantrum, well several actually, now feel that it is all out of my system sufficiently enough to deal with it all today. Ivan just came up to me with a cuddle and said "Mum the kitchen is still spotless" smiling sweetly as he put his head on my shoulder, arms wrapped around me, Angelica presented me with a hot cup of tea, Imogen has fallen back to sleep in bed and Harvey is still sound asleep beside me.
The electricity thing is powerful because a) it is taking something away but is only used when things get seriously out of hand like yesterday, b) it means there is no internet because the router is plugged in to the broadband modem in our room upstairs so no power to the sockets means that goes off as well as does the ability to go on the computer, xbox or wii, even the DS activities are limited. If they argue amongst themselves I leave it off for longer until the house is back to its usual calm quiet state.
As we dont live a materialistic lifestyle, material possessions dont really hold the same value to the kids as the kids they play with, so taking those things away that they do use is actually pointless because they find paper, pens and stuff and get on with other things whilst they wait the time out. Its harder for the boys to be without their xboxes or laptops because a huge part of their lives revolve around those things but for the other three, Angelica has only just been allowed a facebook account, Imogen and Ivan are only allowed on certain websites and games, they are not allowed to interact with people online yet unless one of the older three, daddy or myself are doing it with them.
Sweets, yes that is something dreadful which I dont really understand why Lionel and Dad have been doing this, buying them to keep Harvey quiet. they said its so that I dont get disturbed when I am resting, but I pointed out that its counter productive then because when I get up after a rest he is so wound and hyper that it is impossible to get him to sit calmly to do anything plus it takes absolutely ages for him to wind down, I dont have the energy to deal with that so Imogen gets stuck playing with him instead sometimes until very late at night. I rest always mid evening so around seven'ish getting up around nine or so. I do this mostly every other day so does that mean Harvey had sweeties or lollies every other day too for like three weeks? that makes me feel ill the thought of his little system coping with all that artificial crap. I spoke with Daddy last night and last week about this, I went through all that pain, uncomfortable open wounds and everything so that I could breastfeed this child and him and Lionel with girlfriend are now undoing all of that hard work that I suffered through doing virtually twenty four hours a day. He said he could see the point and will not be buying any more, then yesterday Lionel sneakily gave Harvey a sweet so got blasted by me, I told him not to bother coming home next time he is out and going to be later than nine to nine thirty Sunday through to Thursday evenings and definitely no sweets are allowed in the house from now on, if his girlfriend or him bring some home with them they must keep them hidden and out of sight or he'll come home one day from college and his room will be stripped bare of things.
I hate bad feeling within the family, its negative. Hopefully things will calm down somewhat again, I hope so because honestly I feel so horrible shouting like that, it has shaken my core quite a bit.
I do love that I can take my children anywhere and feel proud when people say how wonderful they are but inside I know I am not raising a bunch of performing seals, they are highly intelligent individuals each with their own special set of needs, I know they have a lot to contribute to the world and feel proud that they will each one day make their mark. I do not want them to look back on these precious years of their childhood and remember resentment as being one of the most dominating features and I feel proud that I know for sure that will not be the case.