I think I'm going to dye my hair tomorrow.
I don't know.
I don't know why I'm so unhappy. I'd love to say that it's breaking apart or my parents or having someone I care about turn their back on me or my direction, but I don't know. I'm so used to people leaving, why should I care? Everyone leaves me. I get used and I get left and that's all it ever is. I thought I was okay with that. And maybe I am tearing the family apart and maybe I'm an insufferable bitch and maybe people are scared of me, but that's their problem, right? I don't get enough respect to change how I act for them. And my school isn't all that bad. People are people. I go to Samohi, for Christ's sake, I can't expect much. And I have plans for when I graduate kindasorta and maybe they're pathetic and when I tell people what I'm doing they act excited for me when in their heads, they're thinking "wow. that's really dumb." But maybe I can't do any better. And maybe people don't see that. And maybe people don't really care much what I do. And maybe it's the chemicals and the hormones and nothing I can control. And maybe I just need a punching bag and some Zoloft. But I'd like to think it's something more, something I can fix, something I can accept and move on from. But I don't know. I don't know what's so wrong, but I feel the weight of it keeping me asleep for so long, turning the corners of my mouth down, furrowing my brow. Why am I so depressed? Why am I so dependant on intimacy? Why am I so cold? Why am I so mean? Why am I so lonely? Why am I so alone?
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I hate being me.
I hate that I hate being me.
I hate being young.
When will I really become strong? When can I find someone to stay in bed with me and keep me safe until then? When will someone find something in me to love? When will someone care enough to stay?
I don't know why I'm so unhappy. I'd love to say that it's breaking apart or my parents or having someone I care about turn their back on me or my direction, but I don't know. I'm so used to people leaving, why should I care? Everyone leaves me. I get used and I get left and that's all it ever is. I thought I was okay with that. And maybe I am tearing the family apart and maybe I'm an insufferable bitch and maybe people are scared of me, but that's their problem, right? I don't get enough respect to change how I act for them. And my school isn't all that bad. People are people. I go to Samohi, for Christ's sake, I can't expect much. And I have plans for when I graduate kindasorta and maybe they're pathetic and when I tell people what I'm doing they act excited for me when in their heads, they're thinking "wow. that's really dumb." But maybe I can't do any better. And maybe people don't see that. And maybe people don't really care much what I do. And maybe it's the chemicals and the hormones and nothing I can control. And maybe I just need a punching bag and some Zoloft. But I'd like to think it's something more, something I can fix, something I can accept and move on from. But I don't know. I don't know what's so wrong, but I feel the weight of it keeping me asleep for so long, turning the corners of my mouth down, furrowing my brow. Why am I so depressed? Why am I so dependant on intimacy? Why am I so cold? Why am I so mean? Why am I so lonely? Why am I so alone?
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I hate being me.
I hate that I hate being me.
I hate being young.
When will I really become strong? When can I find someone to stay in bed with me and keep me safe until then? When will someone find something in me to love? When will someone care enough to stay?