Know Your Desires
I was going to post this in mah blag, but it didn't really fit in with the theme. Besides, I don't know if it would've been any use there. So I'll put it here, in hope that it's useful!
The other day, I was pondering how two people in a relationship can seek entirely different things. Also, how a relationship can feel lacking, but you just don't know why or how. It can breed bad communication, shape poor understanding and finally break hearts.
Then I tested some of the philosophies which I know and trust. That people are in fact communities of spirits, or sides, or archetypes, and not a singular identity. And that relationships are more numerous than we expect.
In my society, we strive to obtain one single life-long mate. It's confusing to ponder how we want this mate to be, because it's likely full of contradictions. It doesn't fit if we are merely one person desiring another one person. However, if we try to see our own sides, and see that it is each of these that desires a different thing, like a small jigsaw puzzle, it starts to make more sense.
So of course, if you only listen to one of the sides' desire, even if it is the one you trust the most, fulfilling it will not make you happy, since all the other sides will still long for their desires. This might even destroy you, or lead to a breakup or to unfaithfulness. Am I saying that we need all our desires fulfilled? Some might, but for others, a majority might suffice.
I proceeded to figure out the different things that I desire. This is what I came up with:
A Companion, to understand me, and with whom I can fearlessly share my strangest feelings.
A Lover, to fulfill my emotional and physical needs.
A Playmate, to accompany my inner child in times of fun and laughter.
A Reciever, to give my strongest emotions, and whom I will adore and live for.
A Muse, to expand my world and bring me life.
A Partner, to respect and encourage me and let me evolve and grow.
A Guardian, to fall back on, to take care of me and sustain security.
A Spouse, to show responsibility and cooperation in the days we'll share.
These are the strongest sides of my desires. I have put them here in full detail only to make the point clear. There are my personal desires, I make no claim that they will be others' as well. Now, after chiseling out the details, I proceed to analyse how they can and how they cannot combine. Which combinations of these roles, in one partner, will lead to what? For example:
A Reciever who isn't a Lover, will make me unhappy.
A Lover who isn't a Reciever, will render me hollow, at least early in the relationship.
A Lover who isn't a Companion, means I just want someone.
A Lover and Companion who isn't a Guardian, can't be a Spouse.
A Spouse who isn't a Partner, means trouble.
A Companion, Partner and Guardian who isn't a Reciever, is a close friend.
A rightful Spouse would be a Companion, a Lover, a Partner and Guardian, in that priority.
Family and friends can be Companions, Partners, Guardians and Muses, and saturate those needs. I'm not intending this to be a way to find out "what your heart desires", but rather to realize what's going on and who is what to you.
Even if you're alone and friendless, there is still one relationship left. The one you have to yourself. Are you your own Companion? You better be. What about Partner and Guardian? You can be those, too.
And when you're in a relationship with someone else, whoever it is, there are in fact four relationships:
1. Your relationship to yourself
2. Your relationship to the other one
3. The other's relationship to you
4. The other's relationship to themselves
Given in the order in which, I believe, you most easily percieve them. The most important point is the middle two: they're seperate! In other thoughts, you might play a different role than the other plays for you. This might work and it might not, but the least you should do is be aware of it.
Most of all, you must never expect the other to assume roles you do not master yourself. Having these desires met is no right. Finish your own vegetables before you tell on others, or if you can't, then show some gratitude.
The other day, I was pondering how two people in a relationship can seek entirely different things. Also, how a relationship can feel lacking, but you just don't know why or how. It can breed bad communication, shape poor understanding and finally break hearts.
Then I tested some of the philosophies which I know and trust. That people are in fact communities of spirits, or sides, or archetypes, and not a singular identity. And that relationships are more numerous than we expect.
In my society, we strive to obtain one single life-long mate. It's confusing to ponder how we want this mate to be, because it's likely full of contradictions. It doesn't fit if we are merely one person desiring another one person. However, if we try to see our own sides, and see that it is each of these that desires a different thing, like a small jigsaw puzzle, it starts to make more sense.
So of course, if you only listen to one of the sides' desire, even if it is the one you trust the most, fulfilling it will not make you happy, since all the other sides will still long for their desires. This might even destroy you, or lead to a breakup or to unfaithfulness. Am I saying that we need all our desires fulfilled? Some might, but for others, a majority might suffice.
I proceeded to figure out the different things that I desire. This is what I came up with:
A Companion, to understand me, and with whom I can fearlessly share my strangest feelings.
A Lover, to fulfill my emotional and physical needs.
A Playmate, to accompany my inner child in times of fun and laughter.
A Reciever, to give my strongest emotions, and whom I will adore and live for.
A Muse, to expand my world and bring me life.
A Partner, to respect and encourage me and let me evolve and grow.
A Guardian, to fall back on, to take care of me and sustain security.
A Spouse, to show responsibility and cooperation in the days we'll share.
These are the strongest sides of my desires. I have put them here in full detail only to make the point clear. There are my personal desires, I make no claim that they will be others' as well. Now, after chiseling out the details, I proceed to analyse how they can and how they cannot combine. Which combinations of these roles, in one partner, will lead to what? For example:
A Reciever who isn't a Lover, will make me unhappy.
A Lover who isn't a Reciever, will render me hollow, at least early in the relationship.
A Lover who isn't a Companion, means I just want someone.
A Lover and Companion who isn't a Guardian, can't be a Spouse.
A Spouse who isn't a Partner, means trouble.
A Companion, Partner and Guardian who isn't a Reciever, is a close friend.
A rightful Spouse would be a Companion, a Lover, a Partner and Guardian, in that priority.
Family and friends can be Companions, Partners, Guardians and Muses, and saturate those needs. I'm not intending this to be a way to find out "what your heart desires", but rather to realize what's going on and who is what to you.
Even if you're alone and friendless, there is still one relationship left. The one you have to yourself. Are you your own Companion? You better be. What about Partner and Guardian? You can be those, too.
And when you're in a relationship with someone else, whoever it is, there are in fact four relationships:
1. Your relationship to yourself
2. Your relationship to the other one
3. The other's relationship to you
4. The other's relationship to themselves
Given in the order in which, I believe, you most easily percieve them. The most important point is the middle two: they're seperate! In other thoughts, you might play a different role than the other plays for you. This might work and it might not, but the least you should do is be aware of it.
Most of all, you must never expect the other to assume roles you do not master yourself. Having these desires met is no right. Finish your own vegetables before you tell on others, or if you can't, then show some gratitude.