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Procrastinating school... which is bad because I have two assignments due tonight I have yet to start. Quick translations so hopefully they will not be that bad. En sha allah. Sarabeth and I talked late into the night - and accordingly we woke up late and she missed school. We cried and had sex till three. Didn't really solve anything other than at least there is some lust still there. We are not putting pressure on each other... we are just taking things day by day - but both of us feels like it is going nowhere. On the positive side - she said I would make a great contestant on Survivor because I can see through all the bullshit. Quite possibly one of the best compliments - I definately have to agree. Strangely I have always known how a relationship would end within a month - except this one. I still do not know where it is going. It strangely has fading moments. Sometimes I feel like I can't live without her... sometimes I feel like I am going to jump out of my skin being in the same room. Of course this is when she is having her moments too. I just know that if it does end I can not be around her - as much as I would want to. It is critical to one's healing process. Something that my ex didn't understand or didn't want to understand. I love Sarabeth way too much and I could not be witness to her dating knowing she loves sex. The hard thing about her is that she is hard to read - and I was wrong about her at the start and all the way through. Times when I thought she must be absolutely nuts - she actually had motives. I know she loves me. Sometimes I think as much as she knows me... sometimes she misses things... or maybe she picks them up and I miss them. Like if I wasn't with her... would I date? I say no... she says yes. I know one thing... if I did date I would not compromise anything... that's for sure. It's the little things that kill us. I am not for everyone... I know this. Just like... most women would drive me crazy. I can't stand high maintenance women... all the time. I play video games... and sometimes... I am antisocial and do not want to go out. I need rest time. Depression is ok some of the time... just not all of the time. I have my own problems thank you. I am comfortable with my body and if they don't like it... there's the door. I don't like republicans... get over it. I am very liberal - I believe in affirmative action, equal oppurtunity, social security, and welfare. I can't stand it when people make fun of poor people or minorities - and I won't accept it in a g/f. Most mothers... excluding Sara's don't like me. I love to dance - and it is sexy when my girl can. I love onions... I bite my nails... I crack my knuckles. I love history and like to visit landmarks - I hate it when I travel and only go to where my g/f goes. It really irked me when I went to Pennsylvania spent a week watching the Amish because she wanted to - and ONLY did what my ex wanted while we were there. I wanted to see Gettysberg - but no... she was bored for the whole hour we were there so instead we ended up spending hours in Boyds Bear Factory because she wanted to. It was like the ultimate in selfishness and torture. I can't stand screamers in relationships. I love the history channel - and horror flicks. I think its important that we treat each other once in a while - flowers, candy, games, massages - little things and not one treat the other all the time. I can't stand selfish g/fs. The kind that never get up... but ask you all the time to go and get them stuff. Everything has to be their way - all the time. Where to eat, where to go, what to do, what to watch, what to buy, how to dress, what to say, how to behave, and even sex - its like they want you to become them or their ideal person and don't recognize you are an individual. I just know this individual can not be with every individual. I am no one's maid - if we live together clean up your own shit, and take turns on chores. You know its really fucked up when you go to do a favor for an ex and she asks you to take out her garbage... like you did a million times before in the relationship. It's kinda like the cherry on top. I don't like people who say they are one thing... and are totally the opposite. Sarabeth has been honest from the very beginning. All the things I want in someone I have in sarabeth... almost. It's kinda funny... all my little idiosyncrecies Rheanna was kind enough to share with Sarabeth early on... in a fit of rage... but it really got all that crap out there. I realize now Sarabeth was laughing inside - almost like... yeah, is there something wrong with that? Later she told me that one must look at the motives as well as what is said. I think I like that approach though... get it out there.. get it all out there. I know there is more honesty in Sarabeth and my's relationship than with any other relationships - Just as I know there was little honesty founding Rheanna's relationship - just as there was little honesty founding Rheanna and My's relationship. From both of us. I would rather have honesty in a breakup than lies in a relationship. Just like you can tell the quality of the relationship by the quality of the breakup. Breakups - Elisa - came to my work, cleaned out my wallet, and didn't find out till I went to pay for gas. Jean - talked me into breaking up with her - moved out on Friday after 4 years - she brought her new g/f by within a week to my new apt where she did all but pee on Jean to mark her territory. Very poor taste. Jennifer - my favorite - we got into a one sided argument - Got sick of her yelling, I told her I would see her later - came by to apologize and she was naked with the girl who ended up being her next longterm. She never talked to me again - even though I saw her on numerous occasions and she blatently ignored me. Maria - Got deployed - she started seeing stacey with my kinda approval - wrote to me regularly - most loyal friend. Mariam - Breakup came when I boarded the plane - she didn't drive me to the airport - she stayed at the Embassy with the marines. She still emailed me - Now she's "mared wit babi". Lisa - she was my g/f when I was deployed to Yemen - tried to make it work - but time killed it. I think we could have made it if I was not sent off - which is one of the reasons her g/f has banned me from her life. Sad really. But understandable. Her g/f doesn't know me - but she hates me. Lisa still talks to me secretly - I don't ever say anything about her g/f ever regardless. Its something that we both know - but why dwell? Rheanna - Even when I was with my new g/f she would still come over to be "held", she didn't care who held her. She refused to give me space - in my own house, with my girlfriend. She wouldn't leave -I don't mean hours - I mean days, weeks, months - she showed up on my dates - called me all the time, refused to give me space, practically suffocated me. Cried constantly. And I felt too guilty to take a stand. Yes - I cheated and I tried to make amends and be supportive. I wasn't her crutch... I was her walker. Proceeded to bash my new g/f (sarabeth) behind her back when Sarabeth was actually nice to her, and took back everything she ever gave me. Not that I really needed the rolling pin, cutting board, or other ignorant presents. She thought she knew me so well she bought me a cheese slicer - and garlic press - but strangely... she liked cheese. They say its the point of the gift - exactly - I was her maid. She then proceeded to try to make me feel bad for taking the dog "her dog" when she hated the dog when we were together. She talked me into getting the dog then refused to take care of it, yelled at it, sometimes beat it, and was mean to it ALL the time. Told everyone I stole "her dog". I honestly believe she couldn't pick the dog out of a lineup. Anyways... whatever. But Breakups are fun. I don't know what I am going to do with Sarabeth - but one thing is for sure - I don't want another relationship for a while and if I do they will be perfect for me. on another note - Murphy is really sick has been to the vet. He is not getting better.