I wasn't lying
...when I said that the more you destabilize me...the more insecure you make me, the more you use my own heart as leverage, the more I mistrust. Mistrust leads to disgust. Disgust leads to revulsion.
You push me away, abuse me, hurt me...eventually I will become disenchanted and seek escape.
J learned this the hard way. I ached and cried and pursued him first...and then, I just...quit. I started looking for escape and I found it. Everywhere. In everyone and everything that wasn't him.
The process hurts me too. There's a reluctance there but eventually, self-preservation wins out. It always does.
I wasn't lying when I said this was a balance and not to fuck with it. Hold me close but don't trap me. Don't play games or instill fear. Be infallible. Keep your promises.
This is how I need to be loved. I have issues and there's not choice in it for me. This is how I NEED to be loved.
Eventually, the ache will soften and be replaced by the sick. Unless you pull me back with gentleness and easiness and proactive displays of love and trust. But I can't tell you that because you'll never listen and never believe. I don't bother.
so this is doomed to play out the same, sick way.
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