(no subject)
Are good things happening in the planets right now? It seems like everyone has been posting about happiness. Maybe it's just the fall-time settling in, the cooler weather, thoughts of the future and the productivity that winter always brings (via being inside, via time for indoor conversation and quiet). What - A - SUMMER.
I feel like I have just begun to really process what's happened to me recently. If only because I think - (and I feel nervous so maybe I should cross my fingers here) - I've finally moved past all this SHIT. Regarding the last entry I wrote, I think swimming upstream was the best option. I have a new job, and I'm back on the east coast, and I feel really grateful for the warm welcomes, for friends, for this place.
I go to the Whitehaus now and everything feels okay -- mildly annoying, at times, but not gut-wrenching. The first couple of times I saw Morgan my heart beat out of my chest, and I was so afraid of old patterns repeating. But now? Christ, we were all sitting on the porch one day and he walks up, rolls a cigarette, and drags his large and indescribable music contraption across the porch, clearly overcome with some negative emotion. For once, instead of feeling guilt, and worry, I actually felt JOY.
Joy from dodging a bullet.
Glad that his problems have wrenched themselves finally away from mine. I feel so relieved that his addictions, emotional antics, hypocrisy, and inability to communicate are not my problem. And at a moment where I expected to feel stressed and sad, I was overjoyed to feel relief. I wanted to laugh out loud.
Sometimes by losing you really get the best of it.
I am excited about life, and love, and music.
I can't believe I actually went to Europe.
I feel proud of myself for being brave.
I feel like I have just begun to really process what's happened to me recently. If only because I think - (and I feel nervous so maybe I should cross my fingers here) - I've finally moved past all this SHIT. Regarding the last entry I wrote, I think swimming upstream was the best option. I have a new job, and I'm back on the east coast, and I feel really grateful for the warm welcomes, for friends, for this place.
I go to the Whitehaus now and everything feels okay -- mildly annoying, at times, but not gut-wrenching. The first couple of times I saw Morgan my heart beat out of my chest, and I was so afraid of old patterns repeating. But now? Christ, we were all sitting on the porch one day and he walks up, rolls a cigarette, and drags his large and indescribable music contraption across the porch, clearly overcome with some negative emotion. For once, instead of feeling guilt, and worry, I actually felt JOY.
Joy from dodging a bullet.
Glad that his problems have wrenched themselves finally away from mine. I feel so relieved that his addictions, emotional antics, hypocrisy, and inability to communicate are not my problem. And at a moment where I expected to feel stressed and sad, I was overjoyed to feel relief. I wanted to laugh out loud.
Sometimes by losing you really get the best of it.
I am excited about life, and love, and music.
I can't believe I actually went to Europe.
I feel proud of myself for being brave.