black fog
I am so confused right now. I'm not sure how I feel. Of course, I'm facing the normal I'm-not-ready-to-go-back-to-school-yet feelings...but also a few new ones. First, I did not call Lee, or go to see her. I feel really awful about that, but I just couldn't do it. I used to be pretty close with her, but ever since Ann died, I feel really sad going over there. And now Jon is gone, or at least I think he is, so it's even more lonely. I will have to call her or email and apologize. On the other hand, my "bestest" (as Kelli and I say) best friend in the whole world is going into the Army. He officially signs his life away on monday. I am terrified. But it's what he wants. Well, not really what he wants, but what is the only option left to him. He doesn't get to go into the Marines, so he is going into the Army. I am so scared right now though. He just told me this this morning. He called me early and said "I'm coming over so you better not leave." He has never done that before. Usually I'll call him and beg him to come over...or rather, I'll call and he'll make me beg because he'll keep saying that he has other things to do; and then when he does say he'll come over, he'll take forever to do it. This time I didn't call, and he came immediately over. I knew something was weird then. So, he came over, and as we were watching Celebrity Death Match he said that he signed his life away on Monday. I just continued watching TV and then glanced over at him, and he was just waiting for my reaction. So I sucked it up and put on a smile and told him how excited I was for him. He didn't believe me totally I don't think. But it still hadn't sunk in. Later on there was a commercial about the army, and he got all quiet, and so did I. After spending a few days (including New Years) up at Fort Lewis with my Uncle Bud and his family, and talking to Ginger, I know a little more what it's about to be in the armed forces. Bud has been in the Marines, the National Guard and the Army. It's not like he's new at it. He is giving up a lot of things, but is also gaining a lot more. Especially from living in CR. But I'm really feeling upset right now. I'm not sure if this is reasonable or not. I know that everything should be okay, but I can't guarantee that it will be. I know that he won't be shipped out for at least a year. But I know that year will probably come sooner than I hope it will. All I can hope is that there will be no more need for that. I am so scared about it in so many different ways. For him, for me. I'm not even sure this is logical. But I am scared. Probably more scared than I have been in my entire life. I constantly have dreams about people dying. I have had so many people die in the past two years, and a few traumatic experiences dealing with them. But I really don't know what I would do if something happened to him. He's my bestest best friend. I realize something could happen to him at any moment...but he is definately more at risk than most now. Especially if he ends up being shot at instead of something to do with mechanics. Our relationship is weird and complicated, but it's not hard to understand. I can't explain it. It's just that we are really close. I don't know what I would do if something happened to him. Tonight he went to dinner with my family and my grandpa. It's really nice that he fits in to our family so well. Dinner was sort of a celebration for him, and a goodbye for me. So it was nice. We went back to the house, and watched tv with my family. When he left I walked with him out to his truck. He gave me a hug. Well, he gave me several. I didn't want to let go. I told him how scared I was, and he said everything would be okay. He was trying to reassure me, but it didn't really work. I went inside to my mom and all I could say was "Jeff is getting himself killed." All I could do was cry. It's as if everything is in a black fog. Everything seems so negative now, so full of hopelessness and sadness. I'm afraid that I will never see him again, at least the way he is now. It's so sad for me.