Hurt?
According to my astrological transits reading, Mars is opposing Mars and, at 8:03, one minute ago, the opposition was exact. It is now slowly moving away, though I have no idea how slowly. I really don't understand these things fully. The reading states that for this transit "mutual actions are at odds creating opposition from others [that made me laugh a quiet, little, sardonic laugh]. Work alone for now. Apply excess energy to self-realization."
What energy?
Today I went to the dreaded gynecologist, ate far too much food at Panera, bought a bag of gummy worms, and ate all of them while paddling my way through old (paper) journal entries. They made me more sick than anything else. So many of the ideas seemed ridiculous at best, and the ones that were good, inquisitive notions didn't delve very deep at all. I don't remember even now whether the journal was meant to be an exercise of discovery or simply vanity, but the possibility of it being the latter makes me feel a bit empty. After a while the sickness in my head slid down my esophageal corridor and mingled with the confectionary sin inside my stomach. I curled up in pain, and awoke (using the term rather loosely) at 4:55 pm, 5 minutes before my shift at Fox's was to begin.
My skin felt loose and weak, my eyes heavy and multiplied.
I went back to sleep.
Mom came into my room around 6 to let me know the "boss" called. I went back to sleep.
I think I should just quit Fuckus-- no warning at all. I'd like to put in the polite 2 week notice, but I don't know if I can handle this constant avoidance of self.
You see, I'm tired of being an ant, but I'm so ingrained in the lifestyle that I'm not even sure I have that much freedom. I feel more like a tiny morsel, being dragged to the nursery for consumption of the colony. I can't apply my excess energy to self-realization because I don't have any. Most of the time I work, and at work all of my energy is applied to erecting the Great Social Barrier, smiling, saying "how are you today?" and meaning "Where did you come from? What are your drives? What do you think about as you fall asleep at night? What immobilizes you?", but the possibility of change immobilizes me. The possibility of truth? Although I determined long ago there is no such thing as truth. At least, not socially. I just DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M DOING. I am living my life for mom and Jeff, largely. Working umpteen hours a week in a vague attempt to pay off my credit cards, fund the schooling they insist upon...
More than anything, I want to drop out of school.
Being in school for them, I require myself to do well for them.
I just want to live my life, but its dripping through my fingertips because I don't have the capacity to live my life for both them and myself, and I guess I chose theirs.
So how am I supposed to apply excess energy to self-realization? Whose self would I even give thought to?
I don't feel like I belong to myself. That's perhaps the most disturbing thing.
What energy?
Today I went to the dreaded gynecologist, ate far too much food at Panera, bought a bag of gummy worms, and ate all of them while paddling my way through old (paper) journal entries. They made me more sick than anything else. So many of the ideas seemed ridiculous at best, and the ones that were good, inquisitive notions didn't delve very deep at all. I don't remember even now whether the journal was meant to be an exercise of discovery or simply vanity, but the possibility of it being the latter makes me feel a bit empty. After a while the sickness in my head slid down my esophageal corridor and mingled with the confectionary sin inside my stomach. I curled up in pain, and awoke (using the term rather loosely) at 4:55 pm, 5 minutes before my shift at Fox's was to begin.
My skin felt loose and weak, my eyes heavy and multiplied.
I went back to sleep.
Mom came into my room around 6 to let me know the "boss" called. I went back to sleep.
I think I should just quit Fuckus-- no warning at all. I'd like to put in the polite 2 week notice, but I don't know if I can handle this constant avoidance of self.
You see, I'm tired of being an ant, but I'm so ingrained in the lifestyle that I'm not even sure I have that much freedom. I feel more like a tiny morsel, being dragged to the nursery for consumption of the colony. I can't apply my excess energy to self-realization because I don't have any. Most of the time I work, and at work all of my energy is applied to erecting the Great Social Barrier, smiling, saying "how are you today?" and meaning "Where did you come from? What are your drives? What do you think about as you fall asleep at night? What immobilizes you?", but the possibility of change immobilizes me. The possibility of truth? Although I determined long ago there is no such thing as truth. At least, not socially. I just DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M DOING. I am living my life for mom and Jeff, largely. Working umpteen hours a week in a vague attempt to pay off my credit cards, fund the schooling they insist upon...
More than anything, I want to drop out of school.
Being in school for them, I require myself to do well for them.
I just want to live my life, but its dripping through my fingertips because I don't have the capacity to live my life for both them and myself, and I guess I chose theirs.
So how am I supposed to apply excess energy to self-realization? Whose self would I even give thought to?
I don't feel like I belong to myself. That's perhaps the most disturbing thing.