My Last Post
Hello my lovelies,
It appears that it's time for me to say goodbye to you all. I have carefully considered what you have had to say, and I have carefully considered what I have to say to myself. This is the conclusion. I want to thankyou all, for making me a happy little creature indeed. It is because of you all that I feel truly at peace. I leave with no resent, and no regret. I would like to gush at length to you all, my special treasured people, but I'm afraid time is short. I wasn't going to do anything until SWAT vac, but I went to check on the party store this morning, just in case it'll take a while to come in, and it was all there... so easy. :)
Let me tell you what it looks like. I've taken out all the contents of my cupboard. The fact that I have chosen the cupboard is pure poetry, since on its doors I've grafted three sets of characters/feathersonas, who represent significant aspects of my life. It's unfinished, but I am the kind who will never finish. I've put a blanket in there, and a pillow. The canister is by the door at the moment, every time I swish by I knock the bag hanging from it and it makes this clang. It's a really neat clang, like the last call for dinner bell. I had this sudden rush of fear that it's not Helium, and I'd lock myself in a cupboard with air, but I sucked in a load and my voice went funny and gave me a gigglefit. My plushies are all sitting on the bed, watching. I'm sealing two of the doors with duct tape, to let less air escape. I'm locking myself in with the third, middle door. I'm looking beautiful, as I always do, my hair came out lovely after my shower. Although I'm wearing my mask now, my beautiful Venetian mask, so it's not quite as perfect (I took webcam shots before I left though!) I have the canister, it'll fit nicely behind one of the doors, it's one for 100 balloons, all I need is a few minutes though, so it should be alright. It's going to be a cosy death for sure, I am somewhat claustrophiliac, I like small spaces, my blanket is incredibly comfy, it shouldn't hurt. It's really loud, but oh well. Gentle, it's a very gentle way to go. I won't be using a bag or anything, it's more dignified this way. I'm really excited. I feel like I did when I was on the bus to Flinders, and my heart was fit to burst with happiness, that feeling like my life is just perfect, like I've made the best decision of my life, moving to Adelaide, going to this University, and I just looked out the bus window and felt like everything was so beautiful. It's like that, only bigger, because I still love this University, and I still love this life, only now I have a boy, and a surprise weekend behind me, and the memories of a hugfest are still fresh on my mind over the past few days. And this is, honestly, the last piece in the picture. Perfect, everything's perfect, I can't believe how lucky I am. That everything worked out as I had ever dreamed it to.
I will not try to make you understand, I know that it will have as much success as when you tried to make me understand why this was a bad idea. I do cherish life, it is a precious and beautiful thing, and I've tried to live every day realising it to its greater potential. But there are other things to be cherished, things beyond the scope of my own life, and for them I have chosen to bow out, with grace and dignity... and a smile, for the road. It seems to have missed many, when I announced my intent, that I don't wish to leave for reasons of despair, or distress. It might be hard for people to understand, but the concept of my death pleases me. I have daydreamed and idled about it for a long time, much like one might a wedding. Sure, people will be dressed in black, not white, and the tears will be for different reasons, but that is not something I can help. This is, my dream. And perhaps it all seems so backwards to you, but the world has always seemed so backwards to me. Although the corruption and the destruction and detriment is not something to be overlooked, I don't want my final words to be hateful. I guess that all that needs to be said in that respect is that as I have lived by my Ideals, so I will die by them.
I would have liked to donate my corpse to Melbourne University, but as I have not undergone any of the legalities, I doubt it would be possible. In which case, cremation is fine. If it were to occur, I would like to have my ashes placed in a small box ornated with a Phoenix, there is a certain poetry to the action, I think. As to the running of the funeral, I have a few requests. One is that the song Human (Armin van Buuren remix) by the Killers be played at it. I have placed a copy into this folder. It would be really nice if some of my photos were put up, you know how I took a lot, they're all in the purple flowery type box in the tiny bedside table near the foot of the bed. Also, Boyd took a video of us together, just sitting on the hill watching the sunset, I love that video. I've seen it like a hundred times. It's such a good picture of what I'm like nowadays, madly happy, madly cuddly, and laughing loads. I put that in my folder as well. I'd appreciate it if the details of my funeral can be posted online at Livejournal (both my computers have an auto-login set up) if a log in is not possible, then adding a comment to this post is sufficient. As I understand it, people from interstate and overseas would be wanting to come.
I don't have a will. Obviously I am a bit young for one, and I haven't really had time. Uhm. I would like Venus (the painting hanging over my bedhead) to go to Kat. She's probably most easiest contacted through Livejournal. I would like all my art things to go to Heidi. She's on my phone, and also contactable through LJ. Heidi, I asked you before that if anything were to happen to me I'd like you to polish up all the scenes for my autobioga. I still mean that, if you would do me the honours. I was hoping to have a lot more of it done before my time, but there's no helping it. Kat, you still have my Splimzatch manuscript, right? Man that was supposed to go to print a year plus ago. Could you do that, please? If you don't have it I should have it on my computer, I'll put it in the folder. I was going to print it on Lulu, I was working on the cover page, I'll put what I did of it in my folder too. I have something like five thousand dollars saved up in my bank account. Uhm, I'd like for that to be given to Boyd. It sounds like blood money, but the truth is I wanted to spend most of it going to Japan with him. I dunno. Maybe it would be better to put it towards funeral costs. I don't think I can get away with not having one, after all. I don't really know what else. Give my Pokemon cards to someone close to me who'll keep it, a bit petty, but it's pretty Important to me. Give Joey a hug. Everybody else too. I've left my phone out, it should have enough batteries to last, feel free to call everybody on there. Or, whatever. I dunno.
Well, that's it. There's always loads more to say, but I always had this bad habit of talking too much. Try not to be too sad. If you want to understand my head and why I came to this more, talk to Heidi. She and I see the same, although she has reached different conclusions. Let's try and not blame ourselves, hmm? I have exercised my free will.
Oh, one final experiment before I go. You know how curious I am with these things. I wanna know, how long it will take to fall unconscious. So I'm going to bring in a chocolate bar to eat. I wonder, how much of it I can finish...It took ages to set it up right, since I can't just leave it to run, it needs a weight on it. Anyway. So long, and thanks for all the fish.
It appears that it's time for me to say goodbye to you all. I have carefully considered what you have had to say, and I have carefully considered what I have to say to myself. This is the conclusion. I want to thankyou all, for making me a happy little creature indeed. It is because of you all that I feel truly at peace. I leave with no resent, and no regret. I would like to gush at length to you all, my special treasured people, but I'm afraid time is short. I wasn't going to do anything until SWAT vac, but I went to check on the party store this morning, just in case it'll take a while to come in, and it was all there... so easy. :)
Let me tell you what it looks like. I've taken out all the contents of my cupboard. The fact that I have chosen the cupboard is pure poetry, since on its doors I've grafted three sets of characters/feathersonas, who represent significant aspects of my life. It's unfinished, but I am the kind who will never finish. I've put a blanket in there, and a pillow. The canister is by the door at the moment, every time I swish by I knock the bag hanging from it and it makes this clang. It's a really neat clang, like the last call for dinner bell. I had this sudden rush of fear that it's not Helium, and I'd lock myself in a cupboard with air, but I sucked in a load and my voice went funny and gave me a gigglefit. My plushies are all sitting on the bed, watching. I'm sealing two of the doors with duct tape, to let less air escape. I'm locking myself in with the third, middle door. I'm looking beautiful, as I always do, my hair came out lovely after my shower. Although I'm wearing my mask now, my beautiful Venetian mask, so it's not quite as perfect (I took webcam shots before I left though!) I have the canister, it'll fit nicely behind one of the doors, it's one for 100 balloons, all I need is a few minutes though, so it should be alright. It's going to be a cosy death for sure, I am somewhat claustrophiliac, I like small spaces, my blanket is incredibly comfy, it shouldn't hurt. It's really loud, but oh well. Gentle, it's a very gentle way to go. I won't be using a bag or anything, it's more dignified this way. I'm really excited. I feel like I did when I was on the bus to Flinders, and my heart was fit to burst with happiness, that feeling like my life is just perfect, like I've made the best decision of my life, moving to Adelaide, going to this University, and I just looked out the bus window and felt like everything was so beautiful. It's like that, only bigger, because I still love this University, and I still love this life, only now I have a boy, and a surprise weekend behind me, and the memories of a hugfest are still fresh on my mind over the past few days. And this is, honestly, the last piece in the picture. Perfect, everything's perfect, I can't believe how lucky I am. That everything worked out as I had ever dreamed it to.
I will not try to make you understand, I know that it will have as much success as when you tried to make me understand why this was a bad idea. I do cherish life, it is a precious and beautiful thing, and I've tried to live every day realising it to its greater potential. But there are other things to be cherished, things beyond the scope of my own life, and for them I have chosen to bow out, with grace and dignity... and a smile, for the road. It seems to have missed many, when I announced my intent, that I don't wish to leave for reasons of despair, or distress. It might be hard for people to understand, but the concept of my death pleases me. I have daydreamed and idled about it for a long time, much like one might a wedding. Sure, people will be dressed in black, not white, and the tears will be for different reasons, but that is not something I can help. This is, my dream. And perhaps it all seems so backwards to you, but the world has always seemed so backwards to me. Although the corruption and the destruction and detriment is not something to be overlooked, I don't want my final words to be hateful. I guess that all that needs to be said in that respect is that as I have lived by my Ideals, so I will die by them.
I would have liked to donate my corpse to Melbourne University, but as I have not undergone any of the legalities, I doubt it would be possible. In which case, cremation is fine. If it were to occur, I would like to have my ashes placed in a small box ornated with a Phoenix, there is a certain poetry to the action, I think. As to the running of the funeral, I have a few requests. One is that the song Human (Armin van Buuren remix) by the Killers be played at it. I have placed a copy into this folder. It would be really nice if some of my photos were put up, you know how I took a lot, they're all in the purple flowery type box in the tiny bedside table near the foot of the bed. Also, Boyd took a video of us together, just sitting on the hill watching the sunset, I love that video. I've seen it like a hundred times. It's such a good picture of what I'm like nowadays, madly happy, madly cuddly, and laughing loads. I put that in my folder as well. I'd appreciate it if the details of my funeral can be posted online at Livejournal (both my computers have an auto-login set up) if a log in is not possible, then adding a comment to this post is sufficient. As I understand it, people from interstate and overseas would be wanting to come.
I don't have a will. Obviously I am a bit young for one, and I haven't really had time. Uhm. I would like Venus (the painting hanging over my bedhead) to go to Kat. She's probably most easiest contacted through Livejournal. I would like all my art things to go to Heidi. She's on my phone, and also contactable through LJ. Heidi, I asked you before that if anything were to happen to me I'd like you to polish up all the scenes for my autobioga. I still mean that, if you would do me the honours. I was hoping to have a lot more of it done before my time, but there's no helping it. Kat, you still have my Splimzatch manuscript, right? Man that was supposed to go to print a year plus ago. Could you do that, please? If you don't have it I should have it on my computer, I'll put it in the folder. I was going to print it on Lulu, I was working on the cover page, I'll put what I did of it in my folder too. I have something like five thousand dollars saved up in my bank account. Uhm, I'd like for that to be given to Boyd. It sounds like blood money, but the truth is I wanted to spend most of it going to Japan with him. I dunno. Maybe it would be better to put it towards funeral costs. I don't think I can get away with not having one, after all. I don't really know what else. Give my Pokemon cards to someone close to me who'll keep it, a bit petty, but it's pretty Important to me. Give Joey a hug. Everybody else too. I've left my phone out, it should have enough batteries to last, feel free to call everybody on there. Or, whatever. I dunno.
Well, that's it. There's always loads more to say, but I always had this bad habit of talking too much. Try not to be too sad. If you want to understand my head and why I came to this more, talk to Heidi. She and I see the same, although she has reached different conclusions. Let's try and not blame ourselves, hmm? I have exercised my free will.
Oh, one final experiment before I go. You know how curious I am with these things. I wanna know, how long it will take to fall unconscious. So I'm going to bring in a chocolate bar to eat. I wonder, how much of it I can finish...It took ages to set it up right, since I can't just leave it to run, it needs a weight on it. Anyway. So long, and thanks for all the fish.