Day 3 part 2
ok. so today, there will most likely be 3 entries. sorry guys! i promise it'll be 1 entry a day (or less) when i get used to the timing here, and i actually sleep for the amount of time that im supposed to sleep..
anyways, you guys dont have to read this lol it's just pointless ranting.
i really hate it here right now.
i know i should be grateful that i have this amazing .. opportunity? to go to korea, to go to the camp (which is in august), to go to japan next week, and all that.. but right now, i really don't feel lucky.
my grandma KEEPS INSULTING ME. I know she's my grandma, so I'm supposed to love her cause she's family, and I do. but if she wasn't family, I think I'd be really angry at her, instead of just being sad when she says those things about me.
I don't understand HOW she can say those things, right in front of me. Does she just not care how I might feel? like, WHAT THE FUCK? I want to scream out of frustration. STOP calling me fat, STOP comparing me to everyone else in korea. Because IM NOT "everyone else". I'm not tall and skinny and pale and beautiful with OR without makeup like them. i don't wear heels, i don't dress "appropriately", and I don't study like crazy. I KNOW. Just leave me ALONE. STOP OFFERING ME plastic surgery. It's like calling me ugly. I GET IT. I was already lacking confidence. Thanks for making it ten times worse.
I just want to run outside in the rain. And if it were Canada, I would. But if it were Canada, I wouldn't have this problem.
I'm not everything that my grandma wants me to be. I'm not "other Korean girls." But you know what? I'm still content with myself. I know I always talk about how my legs are fat, and I wish I was shorter, etc.. but those are just things I WISH for. EVERYONE has room for improvement (except those "other Korean girls.") So when I say I WISH I was whatever, those are just things i WISH for. Not things that make me SAD. Sure they make me sad sometimes because everyone has their moments, but most of the time, I don't care. Not because I'm confident about myself, but because I've accepted these things.
I'm not pale, but being tan isn't SO bad. In Canada, anyway. I'm not tall like them, but that means that it's easier to find a guy that's taller than me. I'm not pretty like them, but at least I know I'm NEVER going to be conceited (nothing to be conceited about.) I'm not skinny like them, but I have more curves (not that I have big boobs or anything. Just bigger than theirs.) I'm not smart like them, but I have a life.
So please just stop. I hate it here. I want to go back to Canada. I miss my bed, my room, my friends. I miss the place where I feel comfortable, where people don't stare at me rudely when I walk down the street. Where I don't have to see korean couples everywhere, so I don't have to be reminded that I will never have that.
I miss Canada. I miss you guys :(