(no subject)
Soo.. zack just signed on about 30 mins ago... and then signed off... i hate that... i feel like i should delete him off of EVERYTHING... because then i wont always be waiting.. but thats just it.. i will still be waiting. Hopeing, wishing, waiting. It wont stop by deleteing him. It will only make me more miserable. I cant stand it. I need to move on.. i've made him up. He is only a voice inside my head. Which is probably why i cant get him out. And probably the fact that if i delete him... i will have no one at all.. at least i can pretend he thinks about me and misses me. Even if its not true. I guess that makes me psycho. wonderful. It happens. I have all the emails he sent me still... just because i never deleted them back when we were still talking. I liked rereading them... they made me happy. Today i almost looked at the last one he sent me. I stopped myself only for the soul reason that the last time i read it i remember i cried... because it was all a lie. My goal this year was to finish hs.. w/ great grades so that my grandparents would send me to NY... well now that we're not talking... i could care less if i go now. I mean i still want to go to NY.. but it doesnt sound as appetizing as it did before. Just like college... it sounds exciting adn fun.. but really. I probably wont even get to go. I'll have to stay at community college while all my friends are in dorms at nice universities... im doing this to myself... This isnt making me feel better. I hate thinking. I wish i could go to sleep tonight and not wake up.
From now on.. when i say i hate something im going to try and write something i like.. or love.
From now on.. when i say i hate something im going to try and write something i like.. or love.