SMILE REAL BIG! JUST LIKE I ALWAYS DO! JUST LIKE I ALWAYS DO!
I've decided to have a sing-a-long and update lj, simultaneously. Wot a task! Give me a task to do!
Here's the situation. I love to perform.
- - -
First thing is first (<- weak statement. ofCOURSE first thing is first. what else would it be, second? third? nineteenth?). Honestly, what do you think of my personality? Do I even have a personality? I see a few people who have their act together, even if their act isn't the kind of act that I have any desire to have, they have their act ship-shaped and all is well for them. I have a few people in mind, maybe two or three. I watch them as closely as I can when I see them, and they're very "in" themselves. OHHH how I admire that, the self-centeredness, the individuality, it's perfect to me. I'm aware of what I do, I have my own quirks and idiosyncrasies and I hold them close to me because I suppose that if I really were to have a personality, it would be composed of those elements. My personality would be magnetic, it would draw people to me because they'd want me to make them laugh or they'd want to hear me say something witty and clever and cutesy or they'd want me to help them out with anything and everything. What do you think? You know, nothing is crazier than having someone tell you what you are. The fortune teller did so. Lots of people have done so. I'm a hermit, I'm beyond my years, I'm a *star*, I'm a character, when really I am none of these things. Or maybe I'm all of them. Who's to say. It isn't written down anywhere, is it? There's no way of knowing who/what/where/when/why/how I am, is there. I can't really trust anyone either. I trust my parents because they brought me into this MAD WORLD where only the MAD are SANE, and they want the best for me, and that is wot I'd like to call sincere. Maternity and Paternity, sincere as can be. No one has been there for me lately, no one. Nobody wants to be, and that's the truth. No if ands or cigarette butts. I don't expect anyone aside from my parents to care for me in such a dedicated and sincere way, nope, not 'till I'm married. Or dead. (wah waaaah). But here's the thing. I am lying, because I do expect it. I've seen people care for other people before, and I get the butterflies in my stomach envisioning such a thing to exist in my own life! It's hopeful and it's idealistic and it's human and it's perfect. I both love and fear the sensation of performance in any form, because this is all a big act if you-know-what-I-mean. The feeling I get before I have to speak publicly, I anticipate the way my voice will sound and how my words will flow, I anticipate how everything will be received by my audience. How about singing, I drink gallons of water before I have to sing, I need to guarantee myself that my performance will be nothing less than perfect (even though I'm not a perfectionist. or am I.) Sometimes my leg shake while I'm singing. I think it's my body's release of the excess "nerves" that fail to really get to my head. I never get nervous. Sometimes it slips out, I'll tell someone that I'm so nervous because that's what they expect to hear, but I don't mean it. It's so much cooler not to mean it, anyway. The past two nights I've had people entertain me. Entertainment is so impersonal, but that's something else. The comedian last night was making me laugh oh so very hard, I felt like I'd known him my entire life when really the only time I'd seen him prior to that evening was when I saw him play Mr. Mushnik in the broadway production of Little Shop a few years ago. The cast of MURDER'S IN THE HEIR : THE AUDIENCE INTERACTIVE COMEDY MURDER MYSTERY WHERE YOU GET TO CHOOSE THE MURDERER YES YES YYYYYES, they were so funny, they had me loling the whole time pretty much, but there' something about watching people perform that makes me feel so tiny. Maybe that's how I could feel fulfilled. I can't get people to listen to me when we're standing on even ground, so perhaps I need to stand up on stage to matter at all. Is that really how my life is going to work out? It's not what I want. My goal is to get the same respect for simply existing as I do for belting out a good show tune or having "ridiculous" pitch. It'll take some time, but I've said it before and I'll keep saying it until I don't need to anymore. I'm very patient.
----
I love to perform. I love to get out a good song and have someone smile after because they think it sounds perfect. I don't really need anyone to care about ME when they hear it, I don't think. They need to look the voice in the eyes as opposed to looking the person in the eyes. They can close their eyes and let the noise dance around them and crawl into every hole in their body until their insides are flooded with pretty, pretty sound. That's always been my response to good music, letting it take over my entire body. That's my definition of "getting into it". Sometimes there are things and people and places that prevent that from happening, but I want to take more time to really listen to music. I don't care what kind, anything that flows, and come to think of it, it all flows (at it's own pace). People are very quick to dismiss it or just let it play in the background without listening. I come home each day and I get comfy by the computer and flick through songs that my voice can handle and I sing along, and then I'll do it again and sing over it and I'll compare my voice to the recorded voice. I used to turn the music down nearly all the way and then record my singing via soundstudio or garage band. I have one recording in my itunes of me singing over some obscure live rilo kiley song back in may. The recording isn't bad really, you can't hear the background music much and there's one part where I messed up and you can hear another voice, but a few mishaps aside, it's not bad really. I think it's time for me to start coming up with my own stuff. I've attempted to before, but I've never thought anything of it so I've never put it to use. I could use some help. I bet I could come up with something really terrific if I look in the right places and find the perfect place for my voice to go. I've always been torn between having the big broadway voice or the slightly more subtle jazzy voice or the quirky alternative voice or any voice. If I were to make my own music, I'd want to find the "happy medium" that accommodates all three. And mind you, non of my musical ambitions are competitive, but I've been told that we live in a very competitive world and that competition is simply unavoidable. That's really depressing.
(I keep ending my paragraphs with three word simple sentences.)
I've been flying solo lately. The solitary mindset is so bittersweet. It's great to be sure of your own thoughts and feelings and emotions without constantly being accused of this and that the moment you choose the express them in any way, but I suppose (or I know) it's difficult to feel anything when you have no one to interact with. It is the people around me who trigger my emotions anyway. It'd be nice to feel more connected with people, naturally. Reciprocal relationships and feelings. I haven't even really been a good daughter or student lately, and I haven't been given the opportunity to be a good friend, I don't think. Lately as in the past week. I have a good feeling about this upcoming week. All of this build up to christmas and/or something else. I know that I wont get a part for Guys and Dolls, and that's totally cool because I don't want one or anything, I'm going to be in it just to be apart of something positive, and oh man, drivers ed. lectures might interfere with park swing and I've got a bunch of potential problems concerning timing and transportation, which just so happen to be one in the same, but I figure everything will work itself out, just like it always does. Winter concert is wednesday, I have night rehearsals monday and tuesday and I'm looking forward to showing up looking my worst. That's what I did last week and it was a lot of fun. I wore a pair of my brothers old sweat pants. Side-splitting-kinda-funny!
There was so much ground that I wanted to cover tonight. I've been writing like crazy lately. I stopped doing it on loose leaf and started using a small, one subject notebook that I found whilst cleaning my room the other day. I want to have a really productive and emotionally fulfilling holiday break. I'm going to watch the entire second season of arrested development, I'm going to sing for at least an hour a day (not that I don't already to that), I'm going to keep talking to people with hopes that they'll RECIPROCATE and with hopes that things will become really nice for me and for everyone else, too. Nobody is as selfish as they think they are. That's a nice way to look at things. You know the two sides of the story, or should I say two endings. You're either in it for yourself, or you're in it for someone else, or you're in it for the two of you. Here's a ballot and a pencil. You choose the murderer.
***curtsy***
Here's the situation. I love to perform.
- - -
First thing is first (<- weak statement. ofCOURSE first thing is first. what else would it be, second? third? nineteenth?). Honestly, what do you think of my personality? Do I even have a personality? I see a few people who have their act together, even if their act isn't the kind of act that I have any desire to have, they have their act ship-shaped and all is well for them. I have a few people in mind, maybe two or three. I watch them as closely as I can when I see them, and they're very "in" themselves. OHHH how I admire that, the self-centeredness, the individuality, it's perfect to me. I'm aware of what I do, I have my own quirks and idiosyncrasies and I hold them close to me because I suppose that if I really were to have a personality, it would be composed of those elements. My personality would be magnetic, it would draw people to me because they'd want me to make them laugh or they'd want to hear me say something witty and clever and cutesy or they'd want me to help them out with anything and everything. What do you think? You know, nothing is crazier than having someone tell you what you are. The fortune teller did so. Lots of people have done so. I'm a hermit, I'm beyond my years, I'm a *star*, I'm a character, when really I am none of these things. Or maybe I'm all of them. Who's to say. It isn't written down anywhere, is it? There's no way of knowing who/what/where/when/why/how I am, is there. I can't really trust anyone either. I trust my parents because they brought me into this MAD WORLD where only the MAD are SANE, and they want the best for me, and that is wot I'd like to call sincere. Maternity and Paternity, sincere as can be. No one has been there for me lately, no one. Nobody wants to be, and that's the truth. No if ands or cigarette butts. I don't expect anyone aside from my parents to care for me in such a dedicated and sincere way, nope, not 'till I'm married. Or dead. (wah waaaah). But here's the thing. I am lying, because I do expect it. I've seen people care for other people before, and I get the butterflies in my stomach envisioning such a thing to exist in my own life! It's hopeful and it's idealistic and it's human and it's perfect. I both love and fear the sensation of performance in any form, because this is all a big act if you-know-what-I-mean. The feeling I get before I have to speak publicly, I anticipate the way my voice will sound and how my words will flow, I anticipate how everything will be received by my audience. How about singing, I drink gallons of water before I have to sing, I need to guarantee myself that my performance will be nothing less than perfect (even though I'm not a perfectionist. or am I.) Sometimes my leg shake while I'm singing. I think it's my body's release of the excess "nerves" that fail to really get to my head. I never get nervous. Sometimes it slips out, I'll tell someone that I'm so nervous because that's what they expect to hear, but I don't mean it. It's so much cooler not to mean it, anyway. The past two nights I've had people entertain me. Entertainment is so impersonal, but that's something else. The comedian last night was making me laugh oh so very hard, I felt like I'd known him my entire life when really the only time I'd seen him prior to that evening was when I saw him play Mr. Mushnik in the broadway production of Little Shop a few years ago. The cast of MURDER'S IN THE HEIR : THE AUDIENCE INTERACTIVE COMEDY MURDER MYSTERY WHERE YOU GET TO CHOOSE THE MURDERER YES YES YYYYYES, they were so funny, they had me loling the whole time pretty much, but there' something about watching people perform that makes me feel so tiny. Maybe that's how I could feel fulfilled. I can't get people to listen to me when we're standing on even ground, so perhaps I need to stand up on stage to matter at all. Is that really how my life is going to work out? It's not what I want. My goal is to get the same respect for simply existing as I do for belting out a good show tune or having "ridiculous" pitch. It'll take some time, but I've said it before and I'll keep saying it until I don't need to anymore. I'm very patient.
----
I love to perform. I love to get out a good song and have someone smile after because they think it sounds perfect. I don't really need anyone to care about ME when they hear it, I don't think. They need to look the voice in the eyes as opposed to looking the person in the eyes. They can close their eyes and let the noise dance around them and crawl into every hole in their body until their insides are flooded with pretty, pretty sound. That's always been my response to good music, letting it take over my entire body. That's my definition of "getting into it". Sometimes there are things and people and places that prevent that from happening, but I want to take more time to really listen to music. I don't care what kind, anything that flows, and come to think of it, it all flows (at it's own pace). People are very quick to dismiss it or just let it play in the background without listening. I come home each day and I get comfy by the computer and flick through songs that my voice can handle and I sing along, and then I'll do it again and sing over it and I'll compare my voice to the recorded voice. I used to turn the music down nearly all the way and then record my singing via soundstudio or garage band. I have one recording in my itunes of me singing over some obscure live rilo kiley song back in may. The recording isn't bad really, you can't hear the background music much and there's one part where I messed up and you can hear another voice, but a few mishaps aside, it's not bad really. I think it's time for me to start coming up with my own stuff. I've attempted to before, but I've never thought anything of it so I've never put it to use. I could use some help. I bet I could come up with something really terrific if I look in the right places and find the perfect place for my voice to go. I've always been torn between having the big broadway voice or the slightly more subtle jazzy voice or the quirky alternative voice or any voice. If I were to make my own music, I'd want to find the "happy medium" that accommodates all three. And mind you, non of my musical ambitions are competitive, but I've been told that we live in a very competitive world and that competition is simply unavoidable. That's really depressing.
(I keep ending my paragraphs with three word simple sentences.)
I've been flying solo lately. The solitary mindset is so bittersweet. It's great to be sure of your own thoughts and feelings and emotions without constantly being accused of this and that the moment you choose the express them in any way, but I suppose (or I know) it's difficult to feel anything when you have no one to interact with. It is the people around me who trigger my emotions anyway. It'd be nice to feel more connected with people, naturally. Reciprocal relationships and feelings. I haven't even really been a good daughter or student lately, and I haven't been given the opportunity to be a good friend, I don't think. Lately as in the past week. I have a good feeling about this upcoming week. All of this build up to christmas and/or something else. I know that I wont get a part for Guys and Dolls, and that's totally cool because I don't want one or anything, I'm going to be in it just to be apart of something positive, and oh man, drivers ed. lectures might interfere with park swing and I've got a bunch of potential problems concerning timing and transportation, which just so happen to be one in the same, but I figure everything will work itself out, just like it always does. Winter concert is wednesday, I have night rehearsals monday and tuesday and I'm looking forward to showing up looking my worst. That's what I did last week and it was a lot of fun. I wore a pair of my brothers old sweat pants. Side-splitting-kinda-funny!
There was so much ground that I wanted to cover tonight. I've been writing like crazy lately. I stopped doing it on loose leaf and started using a small, one subject notebook that I found whilst cleaning my room the other day. I want to have a really productive and emotionally fulfilling holiday break. I'm going to watch the entire second season of arrested development, I'm going to sing for at least an hour a day (not that I don't already to that), I'm going to keep talking to people with hopes that they'll RECIPROCATE and with hopes that things will become really nice for me and for everyone else, too. Nobody is as selfish as they think they are. That's a nice way to look at things. You know the two sides of the story, or should I say two endings. You're either in it for yourself, or you're in it for someone else, or you're in it for the two of you. Here's a ballot and a pencil. You choose the murderer.
***curtsy***