The musing of an insomniac
To begin with, let me make a confession. I wrote this journal entry because I just want to type and watch the beautiful (if scratchy) font (Viner Hand ITC) on the Word program that seems so masculine. I had actually made a list of all cursive fonts on Word which I might use later. Anyway, the alphabets look like a historical handwriting on old letters; maybe people of old or writers or cinematographers used this font that I had come to associate with the olden days. So now that the motive of this writing had been revealed, the seriousness of the content is no-brainer to guess. And I was bored silly; my brain at its lowest than low capacity. I claimed no responsibility for the brain damage the writing may incure). You’ve been warned! Enjoy.
Now, let’s begin the full discourse of the heart of this journal entry by a bored, restless, insane person. Notice the need to spell out all adjectives regarding the state of the body and mind of the writer: Lj doesn’t allow multiple “mood”. Hmph, as if human emotion is so simple and uncomplicated; Prozac manufacturer would have long gone out of business. Oh, where were we again?
The other day, I wondered why some people feel the need to have children. I couldn’t recall exactly what prompted this thought; it probably had something to do with the novels I read (a.k.a obsessed with). Oh yeah! I remembered now: it was about a lesbian supporting character who wanted a child before she was too old and in order to achieve her goal, she even resorted to give her closeted partner an ultimatum: be out and proud within 6 months or the relationship end and she would then find someone else (as if it was so bloody easy to find someone who can be your soulmate or at least a good match who you can be sure to still love and can live with years down the road)who can help her raise the children i.e. be the other parent, and give her the family she wanted (huh, sucks that the definition of family and happiness or success in life is to include raising freaking children!) Call me crazy, but I’ve not left my adolescent years behind too long to forget what a pain in the ass growing up can be (for all parties concerned). My parents always warned me that karma is a bitch; how I treated them (nothing too bad, just being the usual naughty, disobedient, mull-headed kid - see! Kids are trouble) would one day come to haunt me if I ever have children on my own. When the message sunk in enough, the person who was now writing this entry was born.
Over the years, I only recalled one instance where I thought of having and raising kids with my future partner. I even yearned for it at that one moment of day dreaming! Curse be with me for that lapse. Bleh. As has been mentioned, my youth has not long been forgotten, the angst of teenage life is still a fresh nightmare. One of the reason I wished to turn back time is to be the perfect kid. So yeah, I was bewildered by the aforementioned character’s wishes for children. Of course there are merits and joy and a sense of fulfilment in watching your children grow up and be the productive member of society they are meant to be. But it’s a gamble you see (and here I thought gambling is a sin in many major religious tenets). How a kid grow up to be is a matter of nature and nurture. You couldn’t quite control the probabilities! There is a huge risk of raising a scum! How could you live after that? Won’t you feel sad? Disheartened? Angry?
I could only blame it all on human gene. WE ARE PROGRAMMED TO HAVE THE INSTICT BREED AND CONTINUE THE SPECIES EXISTENCE (I had to change the font to “chiller” for dramatic effect). And another conclusion I recalled having believed in is, having kids is one way to leave one’s legacy behind (good or bad is another matter). Not to forget, sometime it’s also one measure of one’s success. But regardless of what I believed, I hope I never convinced myself to have children because at the end of the day, I’m just not a parent material. If I can’t make the world a better place, I won’t want to spawn scums to further destroy the world now do I?
And to those good people who are satisfied with how they turn out to be, many thanks indeed to : (circle your choice) the God/ parents/ force of nature.
To end … Wait, what have I been writing? Sh** The combination of lack of sleep, low caffeine level, long tedious day are just the potent brew for disaster. Anyway, you’ve been warned at the beginning. And so, “everything that has a beginning has an end”.