So Many Fragile Broken Pieces... [Asuka, Kureno]

[yuuhi_kureno]

[[Backdated: set roughly 3-4 days after this thread; still previous to Tsurude's announcement.]]Three days was a lot of time to think, especially if you didn't do anything else. Kureno was rather talented at thinking, being the rational person he was and meditating regularly. Only two or three things in his life had ever taken him more than a day

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[asuka_sensei]

Life had not really been too good lately. But then, that was all she deserved. A fat helping of suck to go along with all the other stupid things she'd done. Although, granted, not all had been bad - Konohako had been too busy with training to really bother her, and the Daimyo wanted to handle most of her side of the affair so Asuka didn't have to go dress shopping, or whatever one did when having to do this sort of thing - but spending most of her time moping in her bedroom wasn't really the best of ways to spend her time, either.

It was.... remarkably hard to get up the energy to do anything. Checking her mail - what a ridiculous mess that was - and making it to the weekly therapy meetings Tsurude had insisted on was about all she was up to. Thankfully, Tsurude was fairly quiet and quick about the whole thing, admonishing her lack of exercise and ramen-diet, and sending her home with the same list of to-do's that he sent her with every week. He was lucky if it made it all the way home with her; usually she dumped it into the first trash can she ran across.

Today was no different. The list had already been lost, quicker than normal due to her dark mood, set off by a particularly painful therapy session. Her own fault for not doing what he told her to do, but that didn't mean she had to like it. It was also blustering outside, the cold winter wind whipping away any resemblance of heat, making her shiver, which in turn only made her hurt more, which in turn only made her more irritable. She was tired, freezing, and in pain; the only way this could possibly be worse would be if -

- Kureno was sitting on her front step. Oh joy and rapture.

[yuuhi_kureno]

He didn't notice her at first, currently preoccupied with talking himself out of into out of (...into?) leaving the envelope wedged in her door and coming back another day. Maybe with a different approach. Maybe he should invite her to meet him someplace like the Birch, then if she didn't show at least he wouldn't have to blame himself anymore.

Maybe when it was warmer, or when she was home would be a better start. Maybe when she had recovered more. Or maybe when he had actually gathered all of his courage.

Kureno lifted his head to sigh, then held his breath all together when he realized Asuka was standing before him next to her mailbox.

...Maybe he should come back when she looked happier to see him.

There was a swing in the playground across the street that had caught enough wind to rock itself back and forth, the old, ungreased chain squealing at one end as it swung in a slow, steady rhythm. It creaked five times more before Kureno hesitantly stood to his feet.

"......hi."

[asuka_sensei]

The last time she'd seen him was... what, five months ago? Six? Their conversation had been short, bitter, unresolved, and after the full extent of his punishment had been revealed to her, likely never to happen again. And now that she'd been released from the hospital, and knew her own punishment, it was only a matter of time before Tsurude made the announcement and Kureno would hate her for a whole new set of reasons.

So why was he here? She'd ruined his career, she'd expected to never see him again. They'd been angry at each other for a wide variety of reasons before, although never had they gone so long without talking and over such a life-altering reason. Asuka had certainly been too chicken and tired to go apologize to him herself, what little good that would do. So why was he here?

That simple 'hi' didn't really give her anything to go on. Clearly not everything was okay; how the hell could everything be okay? And besides which, he looked so uncertain and uncomfortable, which only made her nervous in return. Kureno rarely approached anything without absolute certainty. That definitely meant things weren't okay.

So what should she say? Should she launch into an apology? It was what her lips wanted to do, but her throat tightened and kept back. Her brain wanted to ask what are you doing here and why are you here, but her lips closed over those words, too. The only thing that could be most appropriate was god, I'm so sorry, I'm such a bitch, can we forget one more my many blunders into stupidity? But even that wasn't right.

She was just so tired.

"...... hi," was what she ended up settling on.

[yuuhi_kureno]

Maybe it was the way she clutched at herself so defensively (it wasn't just the cold), or the way she hadn't moved any closer; or even the way she looked like she wanted to shut her eyes and have him gone when she opened them again so she could pretend this had never happened, but... For some reason, the situation suddenly began to feel very hopeless to Kureno.

But there wasn't enough point in turning back now.

"I, uh..." It felt strange to talk a little louder then he'd like, but she still hadn't taken another step away from the edge of her property so he was left without much choice if he still wanted to be heard. He looked at the porch step beneath his feet, licking his lips and mustering his thoughts and willpower before looking back up, forcing himself to not turn away. "I came to apologize. ...I've been a real jerk lately. Sorry."

Insignificant. His words had been too simple and too few, but so far fulfilled the single most vital requirement that gave his visit purpose: they'd been spoken.

[asuka_sensei]

He was... sorry?

Something about that just wasn't right. Him, being a jerk? Not coming to see her while she was in the hospital was... well, not usual, but hardly counted as 'jerk' behavior when multiple weeks of that time he'd been in prison. And scrubbing the academy floors and suffer who-knew what other kinds of humiliation. How did that make him a jerk?

Her brows came together, expression half-incredulous, half-upset. "... you've had more important things to do than visit me." It was hard even for Asuka to tell if her tone was forgiving, annoyed, or uncertain. "That doesn't make you a jerk."

[yuuhi_kureno]

Kureno scoffed, keeping it a relatively quiet sound. Important things?

"Scrubbing academy floors isn't really all that important. I've still had plenty of time for seeing you whenever I wanted to. I just.........didn't."

[asuka_sensei]

Oh. Well... in that case, if he'd been deliberately avoiding her... it could possibly count as him being a jerk. It certainly counted as avoiding her. But truth be told, if their positions had been swapped, she might not have wanted to come visit him herself. She might have never wanted to see her again, as she'd expected he would feel. Obviously that wasn't the case, as he was here now.

Asuka lowered her eyes to the pavement, brows still furrowed, before making herself step up the narrow sidewalk to the front steps of her tiny rental. He was standing on the first step, and that's where she kept her eyes, down on his feet, not really sure she wanted to look up at him.

"I wasn't talking about the academy," she told his feet quietly. "I was talking about... everything else."

[yuuhi_kureno]

She'd finally walked up toward him without any body language that would indicate her wanting him to leave. Although, she wasn't looking at him either. Maybe there was still a hint here yet.

"...It still should have kept me this long," he replied at length, even though he wasn't sure what she meant by "everything else". What else had there been to his life other than scrubbing floors lately? "I just...got confused trying to deal with it is all." Confused enough to feel practically obligated to disregard her entirely.

He stood in place for another awkward moment or two before glancing down at his hands and holding out the envelope he'd been clinging to.

"Here. Sorry it's late, but...well, here."

[asuka_sensei]

She lifted her head to see what it was he was referring to, just enough to see the card in his hands. Asuka had a damn good idea what it was, but she didn't reach for it. She didn't really feel like it was her place to take anything from him, freely given or not, anymore.

The kunoichi lifted her head to look up at him then, farther than she usually had to, what with him being on that step and all. "Please stop apologizing to me, Kureno." Her voice came out more pleading than she'd meant for it to, but... "I'm the one that screwed everything up."

[yuuhi_kureno]

He stared at her, thrown a little off his mental balance by how...humble she sounded. It wasn't like her. He understood why the gesture was made, maybe even appreciated it, but he wasn't sure he liked it.

Common manners told him to tell her it that it wasn't her fault, but.....he wasn't sure he'd come to fully believe that yet. Still, that wasn't what he was here to talk about; if anything it was what he was here to try and forget.

So after a pause he added, "I didn't help."

[asuka_sensei]

She wished she could dispute that, but realistically, she knew she couldn't. He hadn't helped - he had made that decision to desert his mission by himself. She hadn't put a knife to his throat to make him do it. So there was nothing she could do, was there?

She looked up at him then, expression pained, wishing for things she just couldn't have. But if wishes were fishes, there'd be no room for water, would there be.

"... you still shouldn't apologize to me. There's nothing for you to apologize for."

[yuuhi_kureno]

"I'm apologizing because I gave up on our friendship."

It felt bad saying it, even more so because it was true. But...he couldn't let her keep insisting there was nothing for him to apologize for. He just couldn't be satisfied with letting that be. And if anything, confessing this should help her see that.

Didn't make him feel any better however, nor did it make it any easier to say.

"I...was ready to never talk to you again." The point had been to make him suffer, hadn't it? To teach him and everyone that such behavior was unacceptable. What better way to help that then to deny himself the person who had come to mean the most? But... "But I was wrong. I don't want it to end."

That's how he'd come to decide how he felt anyway. As for her...

"...if that's all okay with you, anyway."

[asuka_sensei]

Asuka's expression faded into what it might look like if he'd backhanded her; hurt and upset and betrayed and not trying to hide it. She dropped her eyes away from him quickly though, not letting that show for any longer than she needed to - even though only a second was enough. She pulled a bare hand from her pocket to scrub it over her tied-back hair.

"I wouldn't have blamed you," she said quietly.

[yuuhi_kureno]

Kureno almost winced at the look on her face. This wasn't how he'd wanted this to go; not at all. He looked down and drew his hand back in when he realized he was still holding out the envelope.

"I was mad," he said, trying to explain; to make it sound better somehow, even though he wasn't sure there was a way. "I didn't understand why you did it. ...I still don't... But, it wasn't just you I was mad at. I was angry at myself. I didn't feel I handled the situation properly. I felt I made a--"

The sentence stopped dead, but the unspoken words hung in the air as clearly as if they'd been spoken.

[asuka_sensei]

".... bad decision," Asuka finished for him, voice small.

[yuuhi_kureno]

His face fell, shoulders slacking as he looked every part of being ashamed. That wasn't what he wanted to say (or at least have her hear), but...that didn't mean he didn't think that way.

"That's why I need to apologize," he spoke just as softly. "I've been a fool."