(no subject)
On friday I'm gonna leave the hospital. My doctor finds that I could take the remaining time of getting used to the new medicine on my own. I'm pretty happy with that idea, since, honestly, I am getting a little bored from being in the hospital. It's not really boring, as I found I just need to look around to do something worthwhile, but I'm not that happy with the hospital environment in general.
I've got quite some things to do. In the hospital, I made friendship with an old man with schizophrenia and dementia, and God revealed him to me as God's Jurgen (Jurgen's a german name), and I have to thank Jurgen a lot for his childlike trust in me. He got released to his home for the elderly today, and I'm gonna visit him there. Best would be if I would visit him daily, but I don't think I can manage that. But what I can certainly manage is to meet him 1-2 per week. His home for the elderly isn't far away anyway. Maybe I can even visit him more ... but I'm not quite used yet to living without any computer gaming.
Which leads me to the other important development: I haven't been playing any computer game for two weeks, a spirit of God forbade me. It was what I was anticipating to come my way for some time, but then when it happened I was contrite. And disappointed. And angry. It was pretty hard at first, but then I came to terms with it, particularly because I had such good other patients in the hospital to spend time with, and also because God helped me immensely. In fact, as of now I am surprised that I didn't have serious withdrawal symptoms. The Lord doesn't load on me more than I can bear - and apparently I can easily bear stopping gaming. I just know now that I benefit from it immensely, simply because I can spend the time better than by playing myself to death in front of the screen. Which, basically, is what I did in the last 10 years. Almost every day at least 10 hours of gaming or internet. What a fuck up.
But I don't have this "oh fuck, 10 years wasted, 10 years I never get back" kind of troublesome regret. Everything's still there, my God Jesus, the opportunity to meet people and have a good time with them, all of it. When everything works out, God willing, I will even get an apprenticeship. I guess I will have some troubles with going to work again, regular daily jobbing, but I must handle it and I will do it like my mother and pray for strength, and if God wants, I will get it from Him.
One other thing I have learned is that some of my behaviour is rather natural and that it's no use to rail myself against it too much. For example, in the morning I often have trouble with negative thoughts. It even goes as far as thinking crap like "God is evil" or so. It's compulsive thinking that goes away after a while. I fear those thoughts when I have them, but when I go down too hard on me for them it's no good either cuz they appear anyway. Ever tried to prevent a thought? It's really hard, because it's so easy to think every thought that "comes to mind". Anyway, I remembered recently that in the morning I am generally a bit sullen. I was that way since my late youth. Earlier, before the schizo, it just was a feeling of sullen-ness, but now it's that my sullen-ness kinda speaks. It's the same thing as hearing whispers in the wind or such stuff, it's that my mind "extracts" thoughts from what I hear, feel, see etc. God told me some time ago then these things can be forgiven, as long as I don't cherish them. And, God is my witness, I do not cherish these thoughts and want them gone.
It's not that bad after 30 minutes or so anyway, it's only the first time after waking up, particularly if I wake up late in daylight, that I am so grumpy. God willing, that crap may disappear completely some day, I know that on large potions of the day I already don't feel them anymore.
One thing that was particularly dangerous with that was my knowledge, from the bible, that blaspheming the Holy Spirit is an unforgivable sin, and that I really believe that people whose sins can't be forgiven, can't enter heaven after death. I don't think that all sins that haven't been forgiven, such as forgotten sins, will prevent us from entering heaven, cuz I have seen, just now, that when I ask for forgiveness I ask forgiveness for having my old nature as my companion still, and that any actual sin deeds I have are a technically necessary consequence of having my old sinful nature still. So, after all, when I ask for forgiveness I have to ask for complete forgiveness for everything that happened. I have to LIVE in forgiveness because "if we say we don't sin, we deceive ourselves", even though "when we are in Christ, we sin no more". I believe we aren't always "in" Christ. It seems possible to live in Christ, to just remain in Christ always, but as soon as I remember the 1st law, to love God with my whole body, mind and soul, it's like I fall out of Christ, because only He fulfilled this law perfectly - I don't think we humans can fulfill this law to the necessary fulfillment.
Anyway, the danger of the unforgivable sin was particularly severe for me because for most of my life, even most of my seeking times, I did not understand that the Holy Spirit was/is Jesus' spirit. I always "separated" the Godhead too much, into Father, Jesus and Holy Spirit, and didn't see the unity. Jesus is God .. only for reasoning this is hard to grasp, conscience is fine with it, and my faith in God isn't hindered as well. It's just troubling for the mind - for example, how could God, the God Jesus, be both in heaven and on Earth? Perhaps it's a little like with the Holy Spirit that comes from God, Lord God Jesus has Him, my mother has Him, my pastor has Him, many people have Him, in the same time. God is spirit, and to have God is possible for many people, at the same time. Omnipresence. Not that God is actually present in my cup of coffee, but that all can have God. Either way, I learned to love Jesus, and finally realizing that the Holy Spirit is Jesus' spirit made things much easier for me. It's not that the Holy Spirit is a mysterious spirit of the Father which is "alien", but that the Holy Spirit is my beloved Jesus' spirit --- so, why should I blaspheme what belongs to my Lord, what came from Him? And also, the whole bible is the work of the Holy Spirit who drove the saints of old to write how they did. I'm glad to have the bible .. we all can be very glad.
I've got quite some things to do. In the hospital, I made friendship with an old man with schizophrenia and dementia, and God revealed him to me as God's Jurgen (Jurgen's a german name), and I have to thank Jurgen a lot for his childlike trust in me. He got released to his home for the elderly today, and I'm gonna visit him there. Best would be if I would visit him daily, but I don't think I can manage that. But what I can certainly manage is to meet him 1-2 per week. His home for the elderly isn't far away anyway. Maybe I can even visit him more ... but I'm not quite used yet to living without any computer gaming.
Which leads me to the other important development: I haven't been playing any computer game for two weeks, a spirit of God forbade me. It was what I was anticipating to come my way for some time, but then when it happened I was contrite. And disappointed. And angry. It was pretty hard at first, but then I came to terms with it, particularly because I had such good other patients in the hospital to spend time with, and also because God helped me immensely. In fact, as of now I am surprised that I didn't have serious withdrawal symptoms. The Lord doesn't load on me more than I can bear - and apparently I can easily bear stopping gaming. I just know now that I benefit from it immensely, simply because I can spend the time better than by playing myself to death in front of the screen. Which, basically, is what I did in the last 10 years. Almost every day at least 10 hours of gaming or internet. What a fuck up.
But I don't have this "oh fuck, 10 years wasted, 10 years I never get back" kind of troublesome regret. Everything's still there, my God Jesus, the opportunity to meet people and have a good time with them, all of it. When everything works out, God willing, I will even get an apprenticeship. I guess I will have some troubles with going to work again, regular daily jobbing, but I must handle it and I will do it like my mother and pray for strength, and if God wants, I will get it from Him.
One other thing I have learned is that some of my behaviour is rather natural and that it's no use to rail myself against it too much. For example, in the morning I often have trouble with negative thoughts. It even goes as far as thinking crap like "God is evil" or so. It's compulsive thinking that goes away after a while. I fear those thoughts when I have them, but when I go down too hard on me for them it's no good either cuz they appear anyway. Ever tried to prevent a thought? It's really hard, because it's so easy to think every thought that "comes to mind". Anyway, I remembered recently that in the morning I am generally a bit sullen. I was that way since my late youth. Earlier, before the schizo, it just was a feeling of sullen-ness, but now it's that my sullen-ness kinda speaks. It's the same thing as hearing whispers in the wind or such stuff, it's that my mind "extracts" thoughts from what I hear, feel, see etc. God told me some time ago then these things can be forgiven, as long as I don't cherish them. And, God is my witness, I do not cherish these thoughts and want them gone.
It's not that bad after 30 minutes or so anyway, it's only the first time after waking up, particularly if I wake up late in daylight, that I am so grumpy. God willing, that crap may disappear completely some day, I know that on large potions of the day I already don't feel them anymore.
One thing that was particularly dangerous with that was my knowledge, from the bible, that blaspheming the Holy Spirit is an unforgivable sin, and that I really believe that people whose sins can't be forgiven, can't enter heaven after death. I don't think that all sins that haven't been forgiven, such as forgotten sins, will prevent us from entering heaven, cuz I have seen, just now, that when I ask for forgiveness I ask forgiveness for having my old nature as my companion still, and that any actual sin deeds I have are a technically necessary consequence of having my old sinful nature still. So, after all, when I ask for forgiveness I have to ask for complete forgiveness for everything that happened. I have to LIVE in forgiveness because "if we say we don't sin, we deceive ourselves", even though "when we are in Christ, we sin no more". I believe we aren't always "in" Christ. It seems possible to live in Christ, to just remain in Christ always, but as soon as I remember the 1st law, to love God with my whole body, mind and soul, it's like I fall out of Christ, because only He fulfilled this law perfectly - I don't think we humans can fulfill this law to the necessary fulfillment.
Anyway, the danger of the unforgivable sin was particularly severe for me because for most of my life, even most of my seeking times, I did not understand that the Holy Spirit was/is Jesus' spirit. I always "separated" the Godhead too much, into Father, Jesus and Holy Spirit, and didn't see the unity. Jesus is God .. only for reasoning this is hard to grasp, conscience is fine with it, and my faith in God isn't hindered as well. It's just troubling for the mind - for example, how could God, the God Jesus, be both in heaven and on Earth? Perhaps it's a little like with the Holy Spirit that comes from God, Lord God Jesus has Him, my mother has Him, my pastor has Him, many people have Him, in the same time. God is spirit, and to have God is possible for many people, at the same time. Omnipresence. Not that God is actually present in my cup of coffee, but that all can have God. Either way, I learned to love Jesus, and finally realizing that the Holy Spirit is Jesus' spirit made things much easier for me. It's not that the Holy Spirit is a mysterious spirit of the Father which is "alien", but that the Holy Spirit is my beloved Jesus' spirit --- so, why should I blaspheme what belongs to my Lord, what came from Him? And also, the whole bible is the work of the Holy Spirit who drove the saints of old to write how they did. I'm glad to have the bible .. we all can be very glad.