Conversations With No One
Just spent the last hour sinking into depression and doomed outlook. Reading about the social business model (sociopaths, clueless, loser hierachy and the Gervais Model) as applied to The Office and a second article on social languages, I'm feeling just... still completely unmotivated and/or frozen fear.
Still no job. Tried a few places. Called up Stop n Shop once to talk to a manager to see if there was an opening and haven't tried since because it took twenty minutes in front of a phone to successfully dial a number, a full-on hyperventialation panic attack after the conversatione ended and the phone was hung up, and a social anxiety Aspie rage attack at mom for needing to be alone to do anything progressive with my life (as in I hinted for her to leave the room so I could look for a job and she spent fifteen minutes not moving not realizing I was serious and I blew up... and this was like a month ago so whatever). Looking into Dean and NETech I guess, which I need to call my cousin if e's free a few Fridays from now. And I'm ramping myself up into panic mode as I think about my future schedule. I may not have any sort of busy routine where I'm grateful to have free time to myself, but maybe it's that I don't that makes it so hard to just take in five or more appointments in any given amount of time. Eye inspection on 12/1, a trip to NETech at some point in a few weeks if I can muster up confidence to ask for someone's time for a ride to Warwick, contacting cousin about looking more into Dean and working on my essay which is on his computer, contineud looking for a job, volunteer dinner at Doolittle home, DESPERATE NEED of a haircut even though I have no money and nowhere to go that I'm comfy with. I've slipped again and stay in my zone to maintain some kind of psychic preservation. This is the first time I;'ve thought about it in weeks and I'm more frazzled than I've been since summertime.
And I started this entry because I feared calling people.
To get better in conversation, social interaction, and confidence with people, I have to actually make conversation, take part in social events, and be confident around people. I want to talk to people. I have phone numbers for a lot of people I want to talk to. I want to call Casey and just let loose with anything that comes to mind, have a laugh, and carry some of her worry and burden for her hubby and give her some social interaction. I want to call Abdou and hang out, but I've been over his place a lot these past few weeks and I always feel I'm taking advantage while giving nothing in return and don't quite know how to be a better friend. I want to call Jen, Breanna, Robyn, Jeff, Kathleen, or someone in my circle and just chat and see how thery are but I have nothing to talk about and no reason to call so it's tough. I hate calling people without any topics because I feel like I'm wasting they're time even though I know I'm usually not doing so. I know they appreciate my calls, but I don't feel it in the act of calling. Or something. I want to call Valerie and have a long chat. Or Sherri. Or Lauren. I want to follow up on the convo I had with Sarah M this summer, let her know how Anne's doing, and hear about how New York went. I want to hear from Christina or my cousins or Cory. But while I want to call them and hear from them, I freeze because I don't know what they want or what I bring. I don't know how to give.
For someone who contemplates use of others time so much, I have no concept of my own. II've been sitting in this computer chair for seven hours already and I've done nothing of note. Tomorrow should be a good day: raking, moving furniture, vacuuming, maybe helping replace grout. That's what should happen.
The family will probably just go on standby as usual with the computers.
This post is really just poking for advice on calling fears. I'm missing my therapist right now even though sessions sucked.
Still no job. Tried a few places. Called up Stop n Shop once to talk to a manager to see if there was an opening and haven't tried since because it took twenty minutes in front of a phone to successfully dial a number, a full-on hyperventialation panic attack after the conversatione ended and the phone was hung up, and a social anxiety Aspie rage attack at mom for needing to be alone to do anything progressive with my life (as in I hinted for her to leave the room so I could look for a job and she spent fifteen minutes not moving not realizing I was serious and I blew up... and this was like a month ago so whatever). Looking into Dean and NETech I guess, which I need to call my cousin if e's free a few Fridays from now. And I'm ramping myself up into panic mode as I think about my future schedule. I may not have any sort of busy routine where I'm grateful to have free time to myself, but maybe it's that I don't that makes it so hard to just take in five or more appointments in any given amount of time. Eye inspection on 12/1, a trip to NETech at some point in a few weeks if I can muster up confidence to ask for someone's time for a ride to Warwick, contacting cousin about looking more into Dean and working on my essay which is on his computer, contineud looking for a job, volunteer dinner at Doolittle home, DESPERATE NEED of a haircut even though I have no money and nowhere to go that I'm comfy with. I've slipped again and stay in my zone to maintain some kind of psychic preservation. This is the first time I;'ve thought about it in weeks and I'm more frazzled than I've been since summertime.
And I started this entry because I feared calling people.
To get better in conversation, social interaction, and confidence with people, I have to actually make conversation, take part in social events, and be confident around people. I want to talk to people. I have phone numbers for a lot of people I want to talk to. I want to call Casey and just let loose with anything that comes to mind, have a laugh, and carry some of her worry and burden for her hubby and give her some social interaction. I want to call Abdou and hang out, but I've been over his place a lot these past few weeks and I always feel I'm taking advantage while giving nothing in return and don't quite know how to be a better friend. I want to call Jen, Breanna, Robyn, Jeff, Kathleen, or someone in my circle and just chat and see how thery are but I have nothing to talk about and no reason to call so it's tough. I hate calling people without any topics because I feel like I'm wasting they're time even though I know I'm usually not doing so. I know they appreciate my calls, but I don't feel it in the act of calling. Or something. I want to call Valerie and have a long chat. Or Sherri. Or Lauren. I want to follow up on the convo I had with Sarah M this summer, let her know how Anne's doing, and hear about how New York went. I want to hear from Christina or my cousins or Cory. But while I want to call them and hear from them, I freeze because I don't know what they want or what I bring. I don't know how to give.
For someone who contemplates use of others time so much, I have no concept of my own. II've been sitting in this computer chair for seven hours already and I've done nothing of note. Tomorrow should be a good day: raking, moving furniture, vacuuming, maybe helping replace grout. That's what should happen.
The family will probably just go on standby as usual with the computers.
This post is really just poking for advice on calling fears. I'm missing my therapist right now even though sessions sucked.