:X tmi cental, i know
i feel stupid about it. i'm sorry i acted out like that and said something pointless.
the post was me being a dork. as in, i know a part of me did it to get attention. the immature tantrumy 5yr old part.
another part of me did it because i'm really not confidant in myself. as in, i know i act like a guy so much, how could i ever be attractive as a girl? an example: i don't have fancy bras. i've never been into victoria's secret. so, once upon a time, i had finally gotten the courage up to get myself a frilly bra. and by frilly, i mean it had some lace on it and that was it. and just owning it made me feel... more female. and confidant in my femminity. but it was stolen recently, and i began to question. am i really allowed such things? should i, instead, resign myself to being... too male? in addition to all of this, one of my friends, off hand and meaning no offense, talked about how guys like the mystery of girls, and so basically its a turn off to be too much like a guy. that, coupled with my man-hair and insane acne, i was feeling pretty down in the dumps about just being vaugely attractive as a girl.
but i love hanging out with guys. and so i feel confused, because in the end, cant i hang out with guys, but be a girl too? and be confidant as a female?
i felt it was too much to ask. so i gave up.
I did call my mom, but in the end, it was my sister who gave me the tough love that i needed. even though she wasn't feeling good. she told me about her experiences, and what she did in the same situations. geez, where would i be without her?
so here's what has been decided:
1. i will tape my fingers. this is so when i touch my face, i don't get bad oils on it anymore, in hopes of getting rid of my acne.
2. i will stop eating sugar. also for the acne. interesting fact: i've given up sugar successfully before, for lent. looks like things are lining up in my favor this year ^^
3. i will go to bed at/before 11 this will probably be the most violated rule, seeing as i like staying up late. however, i won't go past 2, and i'll make sure i'm getting 8 hours of sleep anyways.
4. be more even tempered. i tend to go to the extremes, in case you haven't noticed. so i think its best for my mental health if i start trying to even out my emotions. so if i'm really happy, i don't want it alot all at once, i'd rather have a less amount, but for a longer time. thats how i'm going to think about it.
5. i will go buy another frilly bra. because i want one. i want to feel sexy. and i want that confidance back, as much as it pains me to say i derive confidance from an article of underwear. ... i miss it.
things aren't going too bad, i don't think. i did eat some suger today, but it was in yogurt. and i only touched my face about five times total today (but its hard to type all taped up like this ;.;). i did get excited over HEROES, but i'm calm now. i've got 15 minutes left till bed time. smells like hope to me.
tonigt's epp was great! though i was greatly saddened by the lack of peter, mohinder's reappence was heartening! such a naive child. oh, and i totally called claire listening in on her real parents. :3
and thanks for the show of support guys! you totally rock :D
nt out
the post was me being a dork. as in, i know a part of me did it to get attention. the immature tantrumy 5yr old part.
another part of me did it because i'm really not confidant in myself. as in, i know i act like a guy so much, how could i ever be attractive as a girl? an example: i don't have fancy bras. i've never been into victoria's secret. so, once upon a time, i had finally gotten the courage up to get myself a frilly bra. and by frilly, i mean it had some lace on it and that was it. and just owning it made me feel... more female. and confidant in my femminity. but it was stolen recently, and i began to question. am i really allowed such things? should i, instead, resign myself to being... too male? in addition to all of this, one of my friends, off hand and meaning no offense, talked about how guys like the mystery of girls, and so basically its a turn off to be too much like a guy. that, coupled with my man-hair and insane acne, i was feeling pretty down in the dumps about just being vaugely attractive as a girl.
but i love hanging out with guys. and so i feel confused, because in the end, cant i hang out with guys, but be a girl too? and be confidant as a female?
i felt it was too much to ask. so i gave up.
I did call my mom, but in the end, it was my sister who gave me the tough love that i needed. even though she wasn't feeling good. she told me about her experiences, and what she did in the same situations. geez, where would i be without her?
so here's what has been decided:
1. i will tape my fingers. this is so when i touch my face, i don't get bad oils on it anymore, in hopes of getting rid of my acne.
2. i will stop eating sugar. also for the acne. interesting fact: i've given up sugar successfully before, for lent. looks like things are lining up in my favor this year ^^
3. i will go to bed at/before 11 this will probably be the most violated rule, seeing as i like staying up late. however, i won't go past 2, and i'll make sure i'm getting 8 hours of sleep anyways.
4. be more even tempered. i tend to go to the extremes, in case you haven't noticed. so i think its best for my mental health if i start trying to even out my emotions. so if i'm really happy, i don't want it alot all at once, i'd rather have a less amount, but for a longer time. thats how i'm going to think about it.
5. i will go buy another frilly bra. because i want one. i want to feel sexy. and i want that confidance back, as much as it pains me to say i derive confidance from an article of underwear. ... i miss it.
things aren't going too bad, i don't think. i did eat some suger today, but it was in yogurt. and i only touched my face about five times total today (but its hard to type all taped up like this ;.;). i did get excited over HEROES, but i'm calm now. i've got 15 minutes left till bed time. smells like hope to me.
tonigt's epp was great! though i was greatly saddened by the lack of peter, mohinder's reappence was heartening! such a naive child. oh, and i totally called claire listening in on her real parents. :3
and thanks for the show of support guys! you totally rock :D
nt out