What We Share - A Merlin fanfiction
Title: What We Share
Fandom: Merlin
Pairing: Gwen/Lancelot
Rating: PG-13
Word count: 1924
Summary: She is struggling with her feelings, torn between love and guilt, while he still can’t get his eyes off her.
Notes: Improved version of Never Have To Hide, an earlier fanfiction of mine. Mostly inspired by the song For Guinevere by Heather Dale, but by other things as well. You can listen to the song here, it's beautiful and heart-breaking. Also, it sets after Season 3.
What We Share
Inspired by For Guinevere by Heather Dale
He let Arthur win. The crowd might have not noticed it, but for Gwen it was obvious. He took a step backwards to let the prince win the tournament and take all the glory. Arthur needed the victory, since it gave hope to the people and gained their trust, which was more than important these days.
These days, when King Uther was only a shadow of himself: a broken soul after the betrayal of his own daughter. Arthur had organized this tournament to cheer his father up, since he always loved to see his knights fighting and he had been a great warrior himself. However, he could only watch it from the window of his chambers. He reacted to Arthur’s victory with a vague smile, without saying a word.
Gwen was there with him. Since Morgana had left the court, she took care of Uther, mainly for Arthur’s sake, as the king had sentenced her to death several times for practicing sorcery which she had never done and had her father killed for the same reason. She didn’t hate him for this, she rather felt sorry for him and for what he had become.
She cheered like the people standing by the field, even though her eyes weren’t on the prince, but on his opponent: the bravest and noblest man she had ever met. Lancelot. Letting Arthur win was so much like him, she thought to herself, feeling butterflies in her stomach.
They were there every time she heard his name, saw him or thought of him, even a glance of his made her heart race - she had never felt like this for anyone else before. Not even for Arthur. She loved him, but in a different way that she couldn’t explain, not even to herself, she only knew it was different.
The prince and the knight turned around to greet the King in the window, giving him a respectful bow. Gwen’s eyes met Lancelot’s and she felt his gaze burning into her mind, making her heart skip a beat. Then guilt clutched her stomach: how did she dare think of Lancelot while he was standing right next to Arthur?
She had asked herself questions like this since Lancelot had returned to Camelot. However, she could feel all the guilt in the world and she still wouldn’t be able to get him out of her head. So she tried her best to avoid him, while what she wanted the most was to be with him. Every time they accidentally passed by each other on the corridors, she felt herself glow, but only for a few seconds. Then along would come the guilt to make her feel like the most miserable person in the whole world.
She didn’t know it, but he felt the same every time he saw her. When she was around, he just couldn’t look at anything else. When she entered the council hall to bring some water to the knights, everyone else faded away. After the final battle, even though the whole city had been there, he had seen only her as she was standing next to the King, smiling at him and it had been more worth for him than any prize he could’ve won.
He knew there could be nothing more between them, but he couldn't seem to keep her of his mind, no matter how much he tried to avoid her. Whenever she smiled at him, his heart skipped a beat and he couldn’t wipe the grin off his face. Then guilt hit him right in the stomach: he felt like betraying one of his closest friends.
***
Lancelot needed some fresh air, so he left the great hall and stepped out into the courtyard, welcoming the cool breeze that caressed his face. Even though he had enjoyed the tournament, he wasn’t in the mood for celebrating. He didn’t know the reason why, perhaps it was because of her. The picture of Gwen looking away from him was stuck in his head; his mind forced him watch it over and over again. She was probably over him by now, he thought with a sinking heart. She loved Arthur.
Gwen stepped out of the castle, even though she was expected at the feast, but at the moment she wasn’t prepared to face Arthur and Lancelot. She needed a moment to stop and think, to decide how to behave in their company, how to hide what was inside her. Lancelot’s return had awoken the feelings she had thought to be gone forever. She knew now that they were still there; buried deep inside her soul where she felt them more strongly than she ever had before.
But she was with Arthur now and she loved him. It was different from what she felt for Lancelot, though. The affection between them had been there since their first meeting, while things with Arthur had developed slowly.
Arthur was the hope that things could change, that life could be different, but Lancelot was the first one who had seen her as a woman. She caught herself wondering if Arthur had ever looked at her like Lancelot had: like there was nobody else in the whole world, only her. She those looks during his visits while she had been Hengist’s prisoner or when he had come to her before facing the Griffin. Arthur would never forget the rest of the world because of her. For him Camelot came first. Always. The people…
What am I doing? Gwen asked herself, ashamed by what was on her mind. I can’t compare them, it’s just…
She was so lost in her own thoughts, that she didn’t notice Lancelot standing under the arches until she bumped into him.
“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry!” she exclaimed with cheeks turning red and a voice trembling with embarrassment. “I wasn’t watching, I… Lancelot?” she asked, surprised when she finally looked up to see whom she had crashed into.
“Gwen!” he said softly, making her heart skip a beat. “It’s all right, you don’t need to apologize.”
She seemed so embarrassed that he felt the urge to put a hand on her shoulder or even pull her into a hug, although it definitely wouldn’t be the right thing to do. The best he could do would be to leave now; he knew it, but he didn’t want to go, as it was the first time they had been alone since he had returned to Camelot.
“You’re not at the feast?” she asked, then she looked away in embarrassment, since he obviously wasn’t if he were out here with her.
“Neither are you,” he said.
“I had to check if the King was all right,” Gwen told him, still avoiding his gaze.
Lancelot nodded with eyes fixed on her - he wouldn’t have looked away, even if he could, finding her more beautiful than any woman he had ever met. None of them had eyes so warm and kind like she had, and none of them could light up his whole day with a simple smile like she did. He wanted to say something, but no words came out, he could only stand and stare.
She couldn’t look at him. Not that she didn’t want to - she did, more than anything, only she was afraid that meeting his eyes would break her walls down, making causing her to reveal feelings that would be a betrayal to speak aloud. His gaze was like flames, burning her skin, clutching at her stomach.
“I saw what you did this afternoon,” she told him after a short silence.
He gasped in surprise - he thought nobody had noticed. However, it would have been hard to hide it from Gwen.
“I won’t tell anyone,” she added. “It was very noble of you.”
As an instinctive act, she reached out and gently stroked his arm. Then, noticing what she was doing, she pulled her hand away and her face flushed.
“I’m sorry,” she mumbled, without even knowing why the hell she had done such a thing.
As Gwen caressed his arm, his heart filled with warmth and a smile touched his lips. Could it be that she still had feelings for him? He felt like lifting her chin up to look into her eyes, but he didn’t move, not wanting to scare her away.
“You have nothing to be sorry for,” he spoke with a dry throat, not taking his eyes off her.
Gwen made the mistake of looking up at him, so they eyes finally met and she could see all the affection he still felt towards her. Her eyes widened, her cheeks turned red, her heart started to race - she was defeated. His warm gaze broke down the walls she had been building since he had rescued them from Cenred’s army in the forest.
Now there was nowhere to hide, but suddenly, for some unknown reason, she didn’t mind it anymore.
Although he only had eyes for Gwen and for her alone, Lancelot refused to look at her most of the times, afraid his gaze would give his feelings away. However, as he was alone with her, it didn’t matter if she noticed the affection in his eyes of even if she knew that he could see only her, even in a crowded room.
Her eyes widened and she gasped in astonishment that made him feel ashamed of his own behavior.
“My lady… Gwen…” he stammered, about to apologize, when suddenly she started to speak:
“When I said my feelings for you would never fade, I meant it and I still do,” she said with tears in her eyes.
That was it, she had said it! She couldn’t keep it inside her anymore; it was more than she could bear. All her walls crashed down and she became defenseless against his and her own feelings. Then suddenly she realized that she had just confessed her love to someone who wasn’t Arthur. That pulled her back to reality.
“I’m so sorry, Lancelot,” she whispered with tears running down her cheeks. “I’m so sorry.”
“You don’t have to apologize for that,” he said, completely understanding how she felt in that moment. He knew it was impossible to keep such strong feelings hidden inside forever, and he hated the idea of her feeling ashamed for something that was beyond her control.
“We don’t have to apologize for the love we share,” he added, not knowing why he had become so bold all of a sudden. Perhaps it was Gwen’s confession that made him forget Arthur, the guilt, everything - they didn’t matter now.
Tears ran down Gwen’s face. A love we share, a guilt we share, she thought. If only they would not have to be sorry for what they felt. If only… She couldn’t find words to speak. The fact that she could confess her feelings and that he felt the same filled her heart with joy, however, the guilt made it hurt like nothing else before. She saw the same hurt in his eyes, so she lifted her hands and gently caressed his face - his skin was warm under her palms. He smiled at her vaguely, almost thankfully; then he leaned down and kissed her softly, hoping that she wouldn’t pull away.
She didn’t. She accepted the kiss with a gasp; then gave it back to him, stepping closer, her fingers stroking his cheeks as joy overfilled her heart and washed away her guilt.
She was ready to burn the bridge.
Fandom: Merlin
Pairing: Gwen/Lancelot
Rating: PG-13
Word count: 1924
Summary: She is struggling with her feelings, torn between love and guilt, while he still can’t get his eyes off her.
Notes: Improved version of Never Have To Hide, an earlier fanfiction of mine. Mostly inspired by the song For Guinevere by Heather Dale, but by other things as well. You can listen to the song here, it's beautiful and heart-breaking. Also, it sets after Season 3.
What We Share
Inspired by For Guinevere by Heather Dale
He let Arthur win. The crowd might have not noticed it, but for Gwen it was obvious. He took a step backwards to let the prince win the tournament and take all the glory. Arthur needed the victory, since it gave hope to the people and gained their trust, which was more than important these days.
These days, when King Uther was only a shadow of himself: a broken soul after the betrayal of his own daughter. Arthur had organized this tournament to cheer his father up, since he always loved to see his knights fighting and he had been a great warrior himself. However, he could only watch it from the window of his chambers. He reacted to Arthur’s victory with a vague smile, without saying a word.
Gwen was there with him. Since Morgana had left the court, she took care of Uther, mainly for Arthur’s sake, as the king had sentenced her to death several times for practicing sorcery which she had never done and had her father killed for the same reason. She didn’t hate him for this, she rather felt sorry for him and for what he had become.
She cheered like the people standing by the field, even though her eyes weren’t on the prince, but on his opponent: the bravest and noblest man she had ever met. Lancelot. Letting Arthur win was so much like him, she thought to herself, feeling butterflies in her stomach.
They were there every time she heard his name, saw him or thought of him, even a glance of his made her heart race - she had never felt like this for anyone else before. Not even for Arthur. She loved him, but in a different way that she couldn’t explain, not even to herself, she only knew it was different.
The prince and the knight turned around to greet the King in the window, giving him a respectful bow. Gwen’s eyes met Lancelot’s and she felt his gaze burning into her mind, making her heart skip a beat. Then guilt clutched her stomach: how did she dare think of Lancelot while he was standing right next to Arthur?
She had asked herself questions like this since Lancelot had returned to Camelot. However, she could feel all the guilt in the world and she still wouldn’t be able to get him out of her head. So she tried her best to avoid him, while what she wanted the most was to be with him. Every time they accidentally passed by each other on the corridors, she felt herself glow, but only for a few seconds. Then along would come the guilt to make her feel like the most miserable person in the whole world.
She didn’t know it, but he felt the same every time he saw her. When she was around, he just couldn’t look at anything else. When she entered the council hall to bring some water to the knights, everyone else faded away. After the final battle, even though the whole city had been there, he had seen only her as she was standing next to the King, smiling at him and it had been more worth for him than any prize he could’ve won.
He knew there could be nothing more between them, but he couldn't seem to keep her of his mind, no matter how much he tried to avoid her. Whenever she smiled at him, his heart skipped a beat and he couldn’t wipe the grin off his face. Then guilt hit him right in the stomach: he felt like betraying one of his closest friends.
***
Lancelot needed some fresh air, so he left the great hall and stepped out into the courtyard, welcoming the cool breeze that caressed his face. Even though he had enjoyed the tournament, he wasn’t in the mood for celebrating. He didn’t know the reason why, perhaps it was because of her. The picture of Gwen looking away from him was stuck in his head; his mind forced him watch it over and over again. She was probably over him by now, he thought with a sinking heart. She loved Arthur.
Gwen stepped out of the castle, even though she was expected at the feast, but at the moment she wasn’t prepared to face Arthur and Lancelot. She needed a moment to stop and think, to decide how to behave in their company, how to hide what was inside her. Lancelot’s return had awoken the feelings she had thought to be gone forever. She knew now that they were still there; buried deep inside her soul where she felt them more strongly than she ever had before.
But she was with Arthur now and she loved him. It was different from what she felt for Lancelot, though. The affection between them had been there since their first meeting, while things with Arthur had developed slowly.
Arthur was the hope that things could change, that life could be different, but Lancelot was the first one who had seen her as a woman. She caught herself wondering if Arthur had ever looked at her like Lancelot had: like there was nobody else in the whole world, only her. She those looks during his visits while she had been Hengist’s prisoner or when he had come to her before facing the Griffin. Arthur would never forget the rest of the world because of her. For him Camelot came first. Always. The people…
What am I doing? Gwen asked herself, ashamed by what was on her mind. I can’t compare them, it’s just…
She was so lost in her own thoughts, that she didn’t notice Lancelot standing under the arches until she bumped into him.
“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry!” she exclaimed with cheeks turning red and a voice trembling with embarrassment. “I wasn’t watching, I… Lancelot?” she asked, surprised when she finally looked up to see whom she had crashed into.
“Gwen!” he said softly, making her heart skip a beat. “It’s all right, you don’t need to apologize.”
She seemed so embarrassed that he felt the urge to put a hand on her shoulder or even pull her into a hug, although it definitely wouldn’t be the right thing to do. The best he could do would be to leave now; he knew it, but he didn’t want to go, as it was the first time they had been alone since he had returned to Camelot.
“You’re not at the feast?” she asked, then she looked away in embarrassment, since he obviously wasn’t if he were out here with her.
“Neither are you,” he said.
“I had to check if the King was all right,” Gwen told him, still avoiding his gaze.
Lancelot nodded with eyes fixed on her - he wouldn’t have looked away, even if he could, finding her more beautiful than any woman he had ever met. None of them had eyes so warm and kind like she had, and none of them could light up his whole day with a simple smile like she did. He wanted to say something, but no words came out, he could only stand and stare.
She couldn’t look at him. Not that she didn’t want to - she did, more than anything, only she was afraid that meeting his eyes would break her walls down, making causing her to reveal feelings that would be a betrayal to speak aloud. His gaze was like flames, burning her skin, clutching at her stomach.
“I saw what you did this afternoon,” she told him after a short silence.
He gasped in surprise - he thought nobody had noticed. However, it would have been hard to hide it from Gwen.
“I won’t tell anyone,” she added. “It was very noble of you.”
As an instinctive act, she reached out and gently stroked his arm. Then, noticing what she was doing, she pulled her hand away and her face flushed.
“I’m sorry,” she mumbled, without even knowing why the hell she had done such a thing.
As Gwen caressed his arm, his heart filled with warmth and a smile touched his lips. Could it be that she still had feelings for him? He felt like lifting her chin up to look into her eyes, but he didn’t move, not wanting to scare her away.
“You have nothing to be sorry for,” he spoke with a dry throat, not taking his eyes off her.
Gwen made the mistake of looking up at him, so they eyes finally met and she could see all the affection he still felt towards her. Her eyes widened, her cheeks turned red, her heart started to race - she was defeated. His warm gaze broke down the walls she had been building since he had rescued them from Cenred’s army in the forest.
Now there was nowhere to hide, but suddenly, for some unknown reason, she didn’t mind it anymore.
Although he only had eyes for Gwen and for her alone, Lancelot refused to look at her most of the times, afraid his gaze would give his feelings away. However, as he was alone with her, it didn’t matter if she noticed the affection in his eyes of even if she knew that he could see only her, even in a crowded room.
Her eyes widened and she gasped in astonishment that made him feel ashamed of his own behavior.
“My lady… Gwen…” he stammered, about to apologize, when suddenly she started to speak:
“When I said my feelings for you would never fade, I meant it and I still do,” she said with tears in her eyes.
That was it, she had said it! She couldn’t keep it inside her anymore; it was more than she could bear. All her walls crashed down and she became defenseless against his and her own feelings. Then suddenly she realized that she had just confessed her love to someone who wasn’t Arthur. That pulled her back to reality.
“I’m so sorry, Lancelot,” she whispered with tears running down her cheeks. “I’m so sorry.”
“You don’t have to apologize for that,” he said, completely understanding how she felt in that moment. He knew it was impossible to keep such strong feelings hidden inside forever, and he hated the idea of her feeling ashamed for something that was beyond her control.
“We don’t have to apologize for the love we share,” he added, not knowing why he had become so bold all of a sudden. Perhaps it was Gwen’s confession that made him forget Arthur, the guilt, everything - they didn’t matter now.
Tears ran down Gwen’s face. A love we share, a guilt we share, she thought. If only they would not have to be sorry for what they felt. If only… She couldn’t find words to speak. The fact that she could confess her feelings and that he felt the same filled her heart with joy, however, the guilt made it hurt like nothing else before. She saw the same hurt in his eyes, so she lifted her hands and gently caressed his face - his skin was warm under her palms. He smiled at her vaguely, almost thankfully; then he leaned down and kissed her softly, hoping that she wouldn’t pull away.
She didn’t. She accepted the kiss with a gasp; then gave it back to him, stepping closer, her fingers stroking his cheeks as joy overfilled her heart and washed away her guilt.
She was ready to burn the bridge.