butthawk confidence
So I think I’m over it, mostly. All the things that were bugging me so much seemed to have sorted themselves out. I still feel apprehensive and know I’ve got some hard times to get through coming up, but I feel more stable and like I can deal with it now. I got good news at work yesterday, they are almost definitely keeping me and probably hiring me on in either October or January….which is a HUGE relief. I have the weekend from hell coming up, I have a wedding to DJ while all my friends go see the Weezer/Bravery show in ATL (I hate you and hope you die but bring me a tshirt or something and I’ll reconsider that thought) and my parents are moving and I have Emily so it should be extremely chaotic. I also did not do the Mythology paper that was due today and have not done either test for my other two classes or my Lit Essay. I suck and must do this. I also need to finish/do a College Algebra class online. Okay, I said I felt better and I do but typing all that just gave me a heart attack! I just keep spacing out and not doing what I’m supposed to, taking a full load of classes in the summer while working full time is not the greatest idea.
1. My parents sold their house last week and have to be out this weekend. We moved quite a lot as I grew up, this is the house we stayed the longest in. I spent all my teens there and have many, many memories there. This is also the house and neighborhood where I was sexually abused by my neighbor. I didn’t tell anyone, especially not my parents for 3 years after it happened. Then when I did, first my dad didn’t believe me, which was obviously swell of him, then because this guy ‘found jesus’ that made it okay with him. So I’m filled with a sense of rage, how dare they wait this long to get away from that horrible place. I had to sort through that and realize that I have to get over it, without chucking a bomb through the window of that fucking pink house. I had made peace with it in a way a while back, when I had my kid. But the sudden moving makes me realize that while I’ll never have to go back there, I should have had that sort of relief long ago. I also had to accept the fact that what happened to me then was part of why I have so much trouble with relationships now. It also is at the root of a lot of my self-esteem and drug abuse issues that aren’t bad now, but have a tendency to resurface when I feel vulnerable and confused. I have to let it go and realize that he was the sick and perverse person and that it wasn’t me. I didn’t do anything wrong.
2. I hooked up with a guy this past weekend, a friend-of-friends type of person. I’d been crushing on him a little previously and so I was kinda happy about it. Then I realized how awkward it could possibly be and also realized this is the first new person I’ve dealt with in almost 4 years. I also don’t know what the hell is going on and while that is okay, the situation was intense and hard to explain, but seemed like more than a random hook up and I don’t know what to do with that. It was also one of those ‘we were fucked up’ situations so I don’t know how authentic any of it was. A lot of this has to do with the fact that I’m dreading trying to date again and it would be so easy to just settle back into another dysfunctional but comforting relationship of sorts. The hooking up also made me concentrate on him more, therefore intensifying the little crush I had originally so that is never fun. So I basically had to make myself let the impulse to try and figure it all out right away die and realize that I’m an idiot and have no idea what I’m doing so I’ll just let it ride and it will work itself out. The good thing is the awkwardness isn’t as bad as I envisioned it could be so I can deal with that.
3. I have to set boundaries for my parents, they cannot come in and control how I live just because I’m divorced. I cannot let my father try to exert control over how I live, eat, sleep, breathe, etc. I cannot let my mother guilt trip me about things I shouldn’t even worry about. I will not let them start this again, because the old habits I fell into when I was trying to escape that yet still trying to please them will kill me if I start them up again. They also will not do the same things to my child that they did to me. I am not dependent financially on them and that is the only thing they could really contribute at this point. And I don’t need it.
4. I will not be used again, not by old friends that are unhappily married and want me for a pleasant distraction, not by people that just need something but pretend to give a shit to get it, not by anyone who will rob me emotionally or break my heart.
5. Just because I am getting a divorce does not mean no one will ever love me or has never loved me. It also does not mean my kid will hate me or be permanently screwed up. It just means I couldn’t make things work with someone who I knew was not right for me from the beginning but I felt obligated to stay with for putting up with my craziness and then had a kid with so needed to try for her sake.
I know that’s a heavy load of stuff, part of why I ditched out of work early and ate mushrooms and sat down in the grass looking at the river and made myself relive it and cry it out and get over it. I feel like I’m heading back to how good I felt before this all started creeping up on me. I do not like being ‘that person’ that always has problems and is always freaking out about stuff that they can’t fix and so on. It’s lame! And I am Tina queen of the punk rawk butthawk jungle and can’t be bothered with lame things.
The End.
1. My parents sold their house last week and have to be out this weekend. We moved quite a lot as I grew up, this is the house we stayed the longest in. I spent all my teens there and have many, many memories there. This is also the house and neighborhood where I was sexually abused by my neighbor. I didn’t tell anyone, especially not my parents for 3 years after it happened. Then when I did, first my dad didn’t believe me, which was obviously swell of him, then because this guy ‘found jesus’ that made it okay with him. So I’m filled with a sense of rage, how dare they wait this long to get away from that horrible place. I had to sort through that and realize that I have to get over it, without chucking a bomb through the window of that fucking pink house. I had made peace with it in a way a while back, when I had my kid. But the sudden moving makes me realize that while I’ll never have to go back there, I should have had that sort of relief long ago. I also had to accept the fact that what happened to me then was part of why I have so much trouble with relationships now. It also is at the root of a lot of my self-esteem and drug abuse issues that aren’t bad now, but have a tendency to resurface when I feel vulnerable and confused. I have to let it go and realize that he was the sick and perverse person and that it wasn’t me. I didn’t do anything wrong.
2. I hooked up with a guy this past weekend, a friend-of-friends type of person. I’d been crushing on him a little previously and so I was kinda happy about it. Then I realized how awkward it could possibly be and also realized this is the first new person I’ve dealt with in almost 4 years. I also don’t know what the hell is going on and while that is okay, the situation was intense and hard to explain, but seemed like more than a random hook up and I don’t know what to do with that. It was also one of those ‘we were fucked up’ situations so I don’t know how authentic any of it was. A lot of this has to do with the fact that I’m dreading trying to date again and it would be so easy to just settle back into another dysfunctional but comforting relationship of sorts. The hooking up also made me concentrate on him more, therefore intensifying the little crush I had originally so that is never fun. So I basically had to make myself let the impulse to try and figure it all out right away die and realize that I’m an idiot and have no idea what I’m doing so I’ll just let it ride and it will work itself out. The good thing is the awkwardness isn’t as bad as I envisioned it could be so I can deal with that.
3. I have to set boundaries for my parents, they cannot come in and control how I live just because I’m divorced. I cannot let my father try to exert control over how I live, eat, sleep, breathe, etc. I cannot let my mother guilt trip me about things I shouldn’t even worry about. I will not let them start this again, because the old habits I fell into when I was trying to escape that yet still trying to please them will kill me if I start them up again. They also will not do the same things to my child that they did to me. I am not dependent financially on them and that is the only thing they could really contribute at this point. And I don’t need it.
4. I will not be used again, not by old friends that are unhappily married and want me for a pleasant distraction, not by people that just need something but pretend to give a shit to get it, not by anyone who will rob me emotionally or break my heart.
5. Just because I am getting a divorce does not mean no one will ever love me or has never loved me. It also does not mean my kid will hate me or be permanently screwed up. It just means I couldn’t make things work with someone who I knew was not right for me from the beginning but I felt obligated to stay with for putting up with my craziness and then had a kid with so needed to try for her sake.
I know that’s a heavy load of stuff, part of why I ditched out of work early and ate mushrooms and sat down in the grass looking at the river and made myself relive it and cry it out and get over it. I feel like I’m heading back to how good I felt before this all started creeping up on me. I do not like being ‘that person’ that always has problems and is always freaking out about stuff that they can’t fix and so on. It’s lame! And I am Tina queen of the punk rawk butthawk jungle and can’t be bothered with lame things.
The End.