We're All Outsiders

[alloutsiders]

Let me know what you guys think please. I'm really serious about this one. Thanks.

" Kristina Marie, You're going to be late." My mother's voice up the stairs reminding me what I already knew, and was working really hard not to think about, that I was about to begin my senior year of high school. The three previous years had taught me that high

Comments

[amazingamanda45]

I agree with above. It seemed generic. Way too passive. Too much tell, not enough show.
Nothing too engaging or such. The story-line was just too... generic. I really can't think of any other way to describe it. It felt like some short piece I would read in a high school litmag.
Sorry if I sound too harsh! I spent high school as the editor of the school newspaper. I'm not good at anything but blunt. In general though, I see you as having potential. I think this story (or beginnning of story) just needs more development. A little less wordiness.

[plv]

Intriguing. I presume it's the start of a longer story then. As a reader I want to know why her twin brother is drinking so much and why she's quit football, so there's definitely a hook there. Keep going with it, see where it goes.

I agree with Midnyte, a few more returns would make it easier to read. I leave blank lines after my paragraphs and when the persons talking changes.

[poe_lee]

I agree with those before me. It seems a little too passive. I'd like to see the narrator really get fired up about something. Is there another reason she's angry with her mother? And while that may evolve later, she should have a little more emotion now as well.

I like her little narration about high school. It made me smile, because I'm just finishing it all up and that was just how I felt at the beginning of this year.

But overall, I liked this. I think it's a good beginning to something people can relate to.