Vacationing
I have done absolutely nothing productive or useful during the last two weeks. I am on vacation and it feel pretty good.I don't feel as tense as I did during the spring, I sleep a lot and just play Playstation, and that's ok.
I do feel melancholy sometimes, especially when I look back at last summer, when after midsummer, I felt positively abysmal. I felt such an overwhelming and choking amount of guilt and self blame. It felt lik I had a constant dull pressure at the pit of my stomach that I could not shake no matter what I did. I felt like the basis on which I had built my self confidence was false and non existent, but most of all I felt like I did not have the right to defend my sense of self.
This is a continuing problem with me. When in conflict I cannot defend myself or even state how I feel. I often feel like I don't have the right to say or do either, so I don't. I always accept at face value all the blame and or criticism directed at me, because I feel like I do not have the right to disagree if someone else has negative feelings toward me.
Last summer I was quite unhappy.
This summer I feel better. Unlike before, when I was still ill and later, recovering, I can deal with things like these, but I still cannot defend myself. It's really hard for me to say no to anything either. I am pretty weak in that sense, another character flaw I am trying to overcome, but probably won't anytime soon.
Other than the angsty reminiscing of last summer, which was almost as terrible as the summer mr. Bellus, the demon steed died, I have had a good vacation. I have read novels, something I don't have time for all spring and Just enjoyed the simple pleasure of being.
Speaking of which, I'm going to go back to doing that. Being, that is.
I do feel melancholy sometimes, especially when I look back at last summer, when after midsummer, I felt positively abysmal. I felt such an overwhelming and choking amount of guilt and self blame. It felt lik I had a constant dull pressure at the pit of my stomach that I could not shake no matter what I did. I felt like the basis on which I had built my self confidence was false and non existent, but most of all I felt like I did not have the right to defend my sense of self.
This is a continuing problem with me. When in conflict I cannot defend myself or even state how I feel. I often feel like I don't have the right to say or do either, so I don't. I always accept at face value all the blame and or criticism directed at me, because I feel like I do not have the right to disagree if someone else has negative feelings toward me.
Last summer I was quite unhappy.
This summer I feel better. Unlike before, when I was still ill and later, recovering, I can deal with things like these, but I still cannot defend myself. It's really hard for me to say no to anything either. I am pretty weak in that sense, another character flaw I am trying to overcome, but probably won't anytime soon.
Other than the angsty reminiscing of last summer, which was almost as terrible as the summer mr. Bellus, the demon steed died, I have had a good vacation. I have read novels, something I don't have time for all spring and Just enjoyed the simple pleasure of being.
Speaking of which, I'm going to go back to doing that. Being, that is.