The Way it Felt to be a Child
To be able to look at ones life. What if you review it and it doesn't match up with how you want it to be? The way it was suppossed to be? I look at myself now, at my life now, and I feel so disappointed with myself. If people who knew me in highschool, my teachers, my friends, my classmates could see me now what would they think? If I myself four years ago looked at my life now, would I be disappointed? I think I would be.
There is a way that life changes, that we all change as we grow older. I do believe that my life to this point has made me the person I am today. And its horrible. I look at me now compared to four years ago and I am different. I don't feel the humor I had when I was younger. I don't feel the inteligence, the drive, the passion I had then. I feel scared today. As a graduate of college who has the world ahead of her, I feel unsure. I'm not sure the path I should take, or if I am strong enough or smart enough to make anything of myself. If what I want to do means I must leave the place I grew up, I'm not sure I can make that leap.
I look at everything I believed. That going to college would make things easier for me, that I would be on the road to something important by this point...and I wonder if the dream is true. I know I'm smart, capable and talented. But now is the time to put such things to use, and I don't know what to do. I can't get a real job. I can't get any job with my degree. What was it all worth?
I don't even feel like I like myself anymore. I don't feel smart when I talk to the people in my life who I believe to be inteligent. I don't feel beautiful. I don't even feel interesting. I have so much...my own home, a degree, an internship, a job...but I don't remember what it was like to feel acomplished.
I'm fairly certain that I'm going to go back to what I learned from my group therapy two years ago. I'm going to discontinue my relationships with many of my friends. I'm done being friends with Dawn. I'm sick of feeling used for whatever she can get from me. I'm done being friends with people who I don't really trust to tell whats going on with my life and get any sort of real feedback in return. I'm done with hiding behind friends who I am the "wingman" for. I don't want to be the supporting role in my own life.
If this means I do things alone for a while that would be ok. I regain control of my life. I want to feel what it feels like to be interesting, and funny, and energetic again. I want to want to go to work and I want to feel like I have something interesting to say, and I want to feel like I have something to look forward to.
And I know this is not going to be an easy road. And I know that I will need to make difficult choices and be strong and fight for what is good for me. But I want to be the person I believe in again. The one I believe is better than dealing with all the bullshit friennds and bullshit men and bullshit everything. I want to be the girl I admire again.
Tonight I went to the Madcap theater show Charlie was photographing. And I went by myself. I sat by myself at a table right in the front. And it was ok. It was fun. I laughed, and felt engaged, and felt good when I left. If doing the things I want to do meens doing it by myself, that is ok. I'll do it. I'll learn to be me again. I'll do it.
There is a way that life changes, that we all change as we grow older. I do believe that my life to this point has made me the person I am today. And its horrible. I look at me now compared to four years ago and I am different. I don't feel the humor I had when I was younger. I don't feel the inteligence, the drive, the passion I had then. I feel scared today. As a graduate of college who has the world ahead of her, I feel unsure. I'm not sure the path I should take, or if I am strong enough or smart enough to make anything of myself. If what I want to do means I must leave the place I grew up, I'm not sure I can make that leap.
I look at everything I believed. That going to college would make things easier for me, that I would be on the road to something important by this point...and I wonder if the dream is true. I know I'm smart, capable and talented. But now is the time to put such things to use, and I don't know what to do. I can't get a real job. I can't get any job with my degree. What was it all worth?
I don't even feel like I like myself anymore. I don't feel smart when I talk to the people in my life who I believe to be inteligent. I don't feel beautiful. I don't even feel interesting. I have so much...my own home, a degree, an internship, a job...but I don't remember what it was like to feel acomplished.
I'm fairly certain that I'm going to go back to what I learned from my group therapy two years ago. I'm going to discontinue my relationships with many of my friends. I'm done being friends with Dawn. I'm sick of feeling used for whatever she can get from me. I'm done being friends with people who I don't really trust to tell whats going on with my life and get any sort of real feedback in return. I'm done with hiding behind friends who I am the "wingman" for. I don't want to be the supporting role in my own life.
If this means I do things alone for a while that would be ok. I regain control of my life. I want to feel what it feels like to be interesting, and funny, and energetic again. I want to want to go to work and I want to feel like I have something interesting to say, and I want to feel like I have something to look forward to.
And I know this is not going to be an easy road. And I know that I will need to make difficult choices and be strong and fight for what is good for me. But I want to be the person I believe in again. The one I believe is better than dealing with all the bullshit friennds and bullshit men and bullshit everything. I want to be the girl I admire again.
Tonight I went to the Madcap theater show Charlie was photographing. And I went by myself. I sat by myself at a table right in the front. And it was ok. It was fun. I laughed, and felt engaged, and felt good when I left. If doing the things I want to do meens doing it by myself, that is ok. I'll do it. I'll learn to be me again. I'll do it.