Vertigo - Part 5

[namichan89]

<< Part 4



The following week is just plain weird.

Jensen seems to be both strategically avoiding Jared while living in the same house and having to take care of the same children, which is just ridiculous, and simultaneously initiating a lot more physical contact.

Jared almost throws the sizzling frying pan, bacon strips included, across the kitchen when Jensen hugs him good morning two days after things went down with Danneel.

Either Jared has become overly sensitive to Jensen touching him because Jensen’s been avoiding body contact for a while now, or he's just jumpy. It's hard to say, and Jared - if he has some warning beforehand - does enjoy it a lot. It gets to the point where they spend the evening in front of the TV, curled up against each other and practically cuddling under the shared blanket, sometimes with the kids sprawled out on top or in-between them.

Misha stops by sometime during the week on his way home from his current directing job to look in on how Jensen is doing.

Jared hears him ask Jensen, “Say, that divorce isn't particularly tied to you living here with Jared now, is it?” and his heart breaks a little when Jensen denies it. Still, he reminds himself, Jensen didn't lie. Nothing has happened between them, technically, and Misha knows what's going on on his part of this story.

A week later, the divorce papers from Danneel's lawyer are delivered by mail.

That night - after signing them immediately - Jensen wallows in self-pity and decidedly only in the company of Jared's favorite bottle of scotch, the one Jensen gave him for Christmas last year. By the time Jared drags him upstairs and into bed, half of it is gone, and he seriously worries about Jensen.

At least he gets to carry him upstairs, bridal style, which he'll tease Jensen endlessly about once he's not out cold.

He leaves Jensen with a bottle of water and some Tylenol waiting on his bedside table, and, after some pondering, places the old cleaning bucket and some paper towels beside his bed, too. He makes sure that Jensen is lying on his side and getting enough air to breathe, but doesn't close the door properly so he can hear if anything was up.

The next morning, when Rose asks about Uncle Jensen, Jared explains to the kids that he is a bit sick today, but they don't need to worry about him.

That night, after Jensen has finished nursing his hangover and the occasional vomiting fits have ended, Jared can't fall asleep. Too much is going on inside his brain, making him think about the situation over and over again, trying to interpret Jensen's behavior one way or another, and coming up with exactly nothing.

Frustrated, Jared rubs his hands over his face and sighs. His alarm clock blinks with an accusing 1:56 a.m. on its display.

The creaking sound of his bedroom door makes Jared look up. Where he expects one of the kids to be standing in the doorway, there's a way taller, broader figure.

“Jensen?”

“Hey, um. Can I come in?” Jensen asks tentatively.

“Sure,” Jared nods, sits up and pats the bed beside him. “What's up?”

With a long, deep breath, Jensen closes the door and rounds the bed to take the offered place. “Do you even need to ask?” he snaps, then adds, “Sorry, that came out a bit harsh.”

Jared huffs. “Yeah, I guess I don't need to. So, how are you holding up?”

“I'll get over it,” Jensen answers flatly.

“You know that I'm here for you, right? No matter what you need.”

“I know,” Jensen nods, and Jared can't see his smile in the dim moonlight falling through the window, but he can hear it. “About that... can we talk?”

“Dude, we're talking as we speak,” Jared throws back dryly.

Jensen facepalms and chuckles, and it makes Jared instantly feel better. He uses the time to pull the blanket out from under Jensen and throw it over both of their laps.

“So,” Jared prompts after a while, leaning casually against the headboard and trying hard not to focus on him and Jensen in bed together, because that's nothing new. Except that this time, it feels new.

“So,” Jensen says, lost in thought. “In a few months, I'm single again.”

“Provided that the divorce goes smoothly.”

“I talked to Danni, it will be alright. It's not like she's even angry at me, it's just... disappointment on both sides, really,” Jensen leans back from where he's sitting cross-legged on the mattress, and when his back hits the headboard, his shoulder comes to rest against Jared's.

“So what is it that you wanted to talk about?” Jared asks, confused. “If the divorce is a non-issue.”

Jensen is quiet for a long while, searching Jared's eyes in the dark but dropping his gaze immediately once they find his. Eventually, he admits quietly, “I think I'm having a midlife crisis.”

“Happens to the best of us,” Jared smiles. “God knows I know.”

It's Jensen's turn to huff. “Complete with an identity and sexuality crisis? You know, apart from the 'oh, let's go on a road trip through Europe together'.”

“Been there, done that,” Jared nods solemnly.

“And what did you come up with?” Jensen's voice sounds both curious and afraid, but Jared tries not to dwell on it.

Instead, he shrugs, and his skin prickles where it rubs against Jensen's. “I don't particularly care, honestly. Maybe I'm bi or something, but it doesn't matter. It's you.”

Jensen's head turns slowly towards him, his eyes blown wide open and even in the faint light the green of them is mesmerizing.

“It's always been you,” Jared adds, his voice breathy and rough.

“And that's what makes this okay?” Jensen asks without sounding any better.

“Not all of it, but part of it, I guess.”

“So, because it's me. That's why you turned your life upside down without knowing what would come of it.”

“Yeah. And I'd do it again in a heartbeat. Because it will always be you, for me.”

“Jared,” Jensen sighs heavily, squeezing his eyes shut.

Jared wants to chase, a 'What?' already laying on the tip of his tongue that never makes it out into the world, because Jensen's lips are on his, swallowing the word right out of his mouth, taking it soft and sweet and demanding all the same.

And before Jared can even process what's happening, can take in the overwhelming sensation of Jensen kissing him and muscle memory making him kiss Jensen back, Jensen breaks the contact and scrambles down and off the bed.

“Shit,” he whispers, again and again, and, “I can't do this.”

“Jensen!” Jared calls out, follows after him as he makes his way to the door. Somehow, he manages to get to it before Jensen and catches him in his arms, panic and adrenaline shooting through his veins.

Jensen is shaking and obviously panicking, hands scrubbing over Jared's shirt, both trying to push him away and grabbing the fabric in his fists.

“Jensen,” Jared repeats, quieter, a soothing whisper into Jensen's ear. “Hey, wait. It's alright.”

“No, it's not,” Jensen bursts out shakily, obviously on the verge of tears. “Shit, Jared, it's not alright. We can't do this.”

“What? What can't we do?”

“This, us... I don't think I can do that yet,” Jensen chokes out.

“Then we don't, simple as that,” Jared offers, although he's aware just how slippery a slope they're walking here.

Jared's soft strokes up and down Jensen's back and occasionally through his hair eventually calm him down enough to look up at Jared.

“I'm not sure I'm ready. I'm not sure about anything right now,” Jensen says, sounding almost desperate.

Jared shakes his head. “Don't worry, we can take it slow. This is new for me, too, after all.”

Even though a tear is running down his left cheek, Jensen smiles a bit crookedly and self-depreciatingly. “You'd do that for me?”

“Dude, there's not much in this world I wouldn't do for you,” Jared returns the smile carefully.

“Sap,” Jensen says, and the word triggers something that Jared thought he'd forgotten about. The other world.

“I love you,” Jared blurts out, then, because he can't stop himself. So much for taking it slow, he thinks and mentally reprimands himself.

Jensen gasps for a second, but then he deflates. “Sap,” he repeats with a raised eyebrow for emphasis, but Jared can't miss the softness around his eyes, the warmth in his voice and in the full-on smile. “So you'd wait for me?”

“As long as you want me to,” Jared answers honestly as he wraps his arms tightly around Jensen.

“You're too good for me and we should be too old for this,” Jensen sighs and rests his head against Jared's shoulder, which, okay, Jared definitely wants to get used to because it's the most wonderful feeling ever. Or something.

“Also,” Jensen says, then, “For the record, I have no idea what I'm doing here. I just... I know I want this, somehow, someday, because... because it's you. But we gotta work this out, man. Not like either of us has any experience with dating guys.”

“Not dating guys. It's just us. And we know each other, inside and out,” Jared puts into consideration while his brain is on a loop of 'he wants this, he wants us, he wants me oh god'. “It will work, because it's us.”

Jensen takes a deep breath and tightens his hands around Jared, and they stand there for a long while, Jared's heart beating a mile a minute, hard and thunderous against his ribcage that's threatening to burst with happiness and love and so much hope.

Eventually, Jensen peels himself away and Jared only lets him go reluctantly. “I think we better talk about boundaries and, you know, stuff. What's alright and what's not.”

“But I'm not discussing this standing and freezing in my bedroom,” Jared notes amused as he steers Jensen towards the bed, until they're both falling down onto the mattress in a heap of limbs and end up tangled up in one another.

They somehow manage to get under the blanket, lying down facing one another with their hands and feet touching - and Jesus, Jared swears Jensen's are made of ice.

“So, let me guess, no kissing?” Jared asks.

“Uh, I guess.”

“Even like this?” Jared grins and kisses Jensen's forehead. His self-control is currently walking on the moon, because Jared feels just about as high right now, with Jensen here, and his words and the happenings of the past minute sinking in slowly.

“No. But don't think you have to try every possible body part of me now and ask me if it's alright.”

Jared smirks widely. “Don't worry, I'll save that for later. Gonna need a whole day for doing just that. Maybe need to elaborate on one or two body parts, that takes time.”

“Jeez,” Jensen murmurs, his voice suddenly having dropped an octave as his eyes flutter shut. “Jared.”

“Yes, darling?”

“Alright, no pet names.”

“Aw.”

“Yes. And nothing sexual, for that matter. No touching that's somehow sexually suggestive, nothing... no sex. For now.”

That brings up images in Jared's head that definitely aren't PG.

“Get your mind out of the gutter,” Jensen nudges him, amused.

“Hard one, what with you here in my bed. That one's okay, though, right?”

“Sharing a bed?” Jensen frowns, but then shrugs. “Yeah, that's okay, I guess.”

“Good,” Jared sighs and pulls him in closely, then realizes why this might probably come to bite him in the ass one morning. “Are you sure? Because I don't want it to be awkward in the morning.”

“You just keep to your side of the bed and I'll keep to mine. Alright?”

“But you are aware that I'm an octopus in bed,” Jared throws into consideration.

“And I don't have a problem with cuddling,” Jensen's voice is muffled against Jared's chest. “Dude, is that my aftershave?”

“Could be, I just grabbed what I found in the bathroom,” Jared shrugs.

“Definitely mine, then, because I threw out yours last week. It was empty.”

“Ah well, I like it,” Jared shrugs again, “How about how we’re acting in public?”

That one takes a little longer for Jensen to think through. In the end, he says quietly, “We're friends, right? So we act like it. They'll notice soon enough, but I don't want to give the gossip blogs and their rumors any fodder if it's preventable.”

Jared nods in understanding. “So no sex in a public toilet and getting caught?”

“No sex until this is dealt with,” Jensen corrects, but he smiles against Jared's chest. “And if you keep talking like that, I'll insist on an additional rule of 'no sexual innuendo whatsoever'. Driving me crazy.”

“That so?” Jared muses, smirking at Jensen in the dark.

“A-huh.”

“I'm so, so very sorry,” Jared tries as sincerely as he can manage.

Jensen just tickles his side, that one spot that he knows Jared is ticklish in, making him squirm. “Sorry, not sorry.”

“Ass,” Jared wheezes between lungfuls of air and laughter.

“You wish.”

“Alright, you know what? I'll keep the innuendo to myself, if I get to say one thing now.”

“Oh god,” Jensen moans, but then taps Jared's hip encouragingly. “But yeah, go ahead.”

“I can't wait to discover this with you,” Jared starts slowly, his voice dropped to a whisper now, too. “To take all the time we need and make up for lost time. We'll take it slow and we'll try everything we never got to try with each other. I wanna know what it feels like to... you know, suck you off and all that.”

Jensen's breathing had quickened during Jared's short speech, and by the end of it, he burrows closer to Jared, and Jared even feels the hard shape of what has to be Jensen's cock against his hip, just for a second, before Jensen jerks back. It's weird and new and exciting to feel this, and Jared buries his head in Jensen's hair in order to not do something stupid.

“Jared,” Jensen moans brokenly into his chest.

“Sorry,” Jared sighs. “I didn't mean to overstep.”

“It's okay. But I'll hold you to that promise, just so you know.”

“You better. And we should probably go to sleep. I'm sure there's more we need to talk about, but we can still clear that up tomorrow. For now, I really just want to sleep beside you.”

“Yeah,” Jensen yawns.

“Good night, Jensen,” Jared says softly and with a smile. “Love you.”

“And no more love confessions,” Jensen notes around a sigh. “Good night, Jare.”

“Sorry, didn't mean to make you uncomfortable.”

“Oh, it makes me feel anything but uncomfortable. It's just that I want to... I want to say it back, but I don't feel like it's the right time and I'm still friggin' married, you know?”

Jared sighs, admittedly lost in Jensen's words. He wants to say them back, which - fuck. “I know,” is all he manages through the loud pumping of his heart and the buzzing in his ears. He can't stop grinning.

“Sleep tight,” Jensen says eventually.

“You too.”



When Jared wakes up the next morning, a familiar wave of anxiety hits him hard. Within a split second, he's sitting upright, effectively throwing Jensen off his chest in the process.

“Dude,” Jensen groans sleepily and pulls the comforter over his head.

“You're alive,” Jared gasps, trying to catch his breath and calm his racing heart.

“But you won't be if you wake me like that ever again,” he hears Jensen's grumbling muffled by the down comforter.

Jared huffs. “Sorry. Just... once burnt and all that.”

At that, Jensen lifts his head and looks over his shoulder at Jared, his eyes bleary and reddened from sleep. “Oh,” is all he says.

Jared swallows heavily and nods.

“C'mere,” Jensen mumbles, lifting his blanket for Jared to slip under, then cuddles him to his chest as soon as Jared is safely tucked in.

Jared rests and breathes and wallows in the sound of Jensen's heart beating loud, strong and clear.

“'m here. Not going anywhere. Not dying anytime soon. Eighty-eight and a heart attack, remember? More than forty years to go,” Jensen mumbles.

“Forty years,” Jared repeats slowly. “Holy shit.”

“The rest of our lives. Don't think you'll get rid of me ever again.”

That's when a weird thought hits Jared, and he slides up along Jensen's body to at least be at eye level with him when he asks, “Jen... Doesn't it seem a little too easy to you, too?”

“Easy? What are you talking about?” Jensen returns the question, eyes blinking open and a smile spreading on his lips as soon as he meets Jared's, which are barely inches away. “Hi,” he adds teasingly.

“Hi,” Jared bumps his nose against Jensen's affectionately, then goes serious again. “What I meant was, I expected this to be harder than it is.”

“Dude, I don't know about you, but I'm having a damn hard time not kissing you good morning right now,” Jensen smirks.

“Oh,” Jared sighs, taken by pleasant surprise, “I mean, I... me too, but I... I meant you and--”

“Aw, you're blushing,” Jensen teases.

“Oh, fuck you,” Jared throws back amused.

Jensen just grins some more, the bastard, and now that the idea is stuck in his head, Jared can't focus on anything but wanting to kiss him. His heart almost skips a beat when Jensen leans in, lips puckered and spit-slick and looking like he wants to kiss Jared.

In the end, he plants a peck onto the tip of Jared's nose and grins. “So, what did you mean?”

Jared takes a deep breath and shoves away the disappointment. “I meant us. This. Just... falling into this relationship or whatever it is we have now, just like that. Shouldn't it be harder? Shouldn't one of us be freaking out about being gay or about what someone else will say or - I don't know?”

Unimpressed, Jensen raises an eyebrow. “After last night, I'm pretty done with freaking out. Plus, you just had your one allowed freak out. That enough or am I twenty years younger and on Days of Our Lives again?”

“Alright, alright. No freaking out anymore. I'm cool with that,” Jared laughs.


The next few days and weeks are a trial of patience for both of them.

Baby steps, Jared tells himself, no matter how hard they are. And it's not like it's only for Jensen's benefit, not at all. Jared is thankful that they take their time, because just imagining jumping into bed with Jensen immediately makes him anxious. He wants to make this right, not rush it.

More than once - and one time, it even led to having to explain to the kids that dad and pops just like each other very much - they find themselves in the kitchen, one of them with his back pressed against the counter, the other one standing between his legs. The urge to just kiss Jensen is so deeply ingrained in Jared by now that it's almost scary.

Instead, they have resolved to Eskimo kisses. Short, affectionate bumps of their noses, which have the disadvantage of still bringing their lips very close to one another's. Still, it's better than doing nothing, standing there on the verge of saying screw this and kissing the other one breathless.

It's dissatisfying and frustrating as fuck, but if it's what Jensen needs, Jared can appreciate it. They take their sweet time getting anywhere with this undefined thing between them, but it feels like it's worth it.

They gave up sleeping in the same bed after three days because just like Jared feared, he woke up three days in a row with his morning wood nestled comfortably against the crack of Jensen's ass. It took them exactly a week of sleeping in their own beds before Jensen was back, standing in the door to Jared's bedroom with a hopeful smile.

“I'm gonna get used to it,” he grinned, and Jared happily invited him into his bed.

His only comfort is knowing that Jensen isn't faring any better. Because as often as Jared has woken up with his morning wood pressed against Jensen's backside since then, it has happened vice-versa just as frequently. Also, Jensen makes these jerky little thrusts when he's unconscious and still asleep and one time Jared almost jizzed his pants from the soft, barely audible moans that came from behind him. Jared can't help but feel smug, because there are few things that feel better than knowing you are wanted.

The first time Jensen kisses Jared after his freak-out in the bedroom is on a rainy Thursday evening, after they sent the kids to bed and are sitting on the couch, watching the news. Jensen simply looks over, catches Jared's eyes, then drops his gaze to his lips and stares some more. The way he bites his lips, nibbling on the bottom one before licking it unconsciously, is incredibly distracting.

“Jen?” Jared finds himself saying in disbelief, because this can only mean one thing - Jensen’s working himself up to kissing him.

That's when Jensen leans in and just steals a short peck from his lips. It's over way too soon and Jared's lips are tingling afterwards, but Jensen smiles to himself and turns back to the TV instead of running away again.

Somehow, someday, Jared finds himself waking up next to Jensen, rubbing his nose softly against his and wishing him a good morning. Jensen responds with a lazy kiss, then rolls over to doze some more. When Jared gets to his feet and into the bathroom to relieve himself, he realizes that it's become the most normal thing between them.

Jensen follows when Jared is in the middle of brushing his teeth, and Jared gets into the shower first.

Showering together would be crossing a line, they decided. Seeing each other naked was ruled out too, even if they've been living with each other for too long to not have crossed that line ages ago. However, it's different now.

When Jared steps out of the shower, his towel wrapped around his hips, Jensen is already dressed. On his way out of the bathroom, he rubs his hand over the small of Jared's back and asks, “Pancakes or scrambled eggs?”

“Both, and bacon,” Jared answers with a smile. “Don't forget to put some fruit into their cereal!” he adds, very aware that the kids wouldn't touch the bananas with a ten foot pole otherwise.

Jensen is still the usual grump in the morning, so he just nods and heads downstairs.

And Jared watches him go, takes a good look at his ass in worn-out, faded jeans, and when he notices that his towel is tenting obscenely over his hardening dick, he quickly slams the bathroom door shut.

Close call, Jared thinks and palms his cock through the fluffy towel, willing it to calm down.

After a few deep breaths and a couple more minutes, the situation is under control, and Jared sighs in frustration to himself. This has been far from the first time. No, there have been days where Jensen is outside in a tank top and loose shorts that fall obscenely over the swell of his ass.

Jesus, the sight of Jensen's ass in general is guaranteed sexual frustration for Jared. How he never noticed before is a miracle to him.

But with Jensen sleeping in the same bed as him and using the same bathroom alongside him, Jared's alone time is not only limited, but practically nonexistent. Which means that taking care of this problem will need a plan, and Jared's got jack squat and a brain that's filled with pubescent thoughts.

He hasn't been as happy during the past months as he is now, though, which makes it more than okay.



After months, their patience is wearing thin, but Jared reminds himself each time he's the one in control and no one else and he's going to make it through this.

It's just hard to remember when Jensen is pressed flat against his body - well, not pressed, it's more like his body is completely aligned with Jared's, keeping less than an inch between them, his hands on Jared's hips, holding on tightly. But Jared stands with his back against the fridge, magnets digging into his back, and Jensen has him crowded in a corner, too.

It's really getting hot in the kitchen, especially when Jensen huffs out a deep breath, his lips hovering damn near Jared's.

“Fuck,” Jared breathes. It all seemed so innocent when they were doing the dishes and Jensen nudged him in the side for whatever reason and smiled that crooked smile of his and Jared might have hugged him and Jensen might have used that to his advantage and backed him up against the counter, which shifted towards the corner of the fridge quickly.

Point in case, Jensen is standing right in front of him, panting and smelling too good and Jared is hard.

Jensen's breath comes in labored huffs, and Jared can barely resist closing that last remaining gap between them. He doesn't, because he knows he won't be able to stop if he starts this now.

It's not like the situation is particularly new to them, though. More like, it’s been happening almost every day since they came to their understanding.

How he made it through months of pent-up, sexual frustration, Jared has no idea. Whenever things got heated, he fled to do something else, something to distract himself. Which is the reason their bathrooms have been spotless for almost four months now.

However, trapped in Jensen's arms the way he is right now, Jared has no opportunity to leave the room.

“Jensen,” he moans around the warning, and it only helps him realize that Jensen has shifted even closer by now.

Jensen's lips are ghosting over his, barely grazing them, when he asks breathlessly, “Are we really gonna go through with this?”

“You tell me,” Jared manages, tightening his arms around Jensen to make him realize just how close they are to falling over the edge.

Neither of them retreats, and Jared lets his lips drop open, panting just as Jensen does, the soft skin of their lips meeting, sliding over each other's as their mouths close and lock. Jensen sucks Jared's bottom lip between his, nibbling softly at it, his tongue darting out to flick over it teasingly, and Jared moans. He pushes his hips forward, the bulge in Jensen's pants rubbing against his own erection, the friction just this side of teasing and perfect.

Jensen pulls back, then, and drops his head heavily against Jared's shoulder, his chest heaving in quick succession. Jared uses the time to take a deep breath.

“So if I said...” Jensen starts, his voice gravelly and hot, the implication clear.

“Whatever you're comfortable with,” Jared nods, pressing a kiss into Jensen's wild mop of hair. “And don't feel obligated or anything, we made it for so long, and the court hearing is tomorrow, so it's really not that much longer and-”

Jared shuts up immediately when Jensen raises his head and looks straight at him with a determined and decided stare.

“What is it?” Jared asks.

With a grimace, Jensen winds himself out of Jared's arms and walks backwards to the relative security of the kitchen island.

A 'What did I do?' is already on the tip of Jared's tongue, but Jensen pulls out his phone from his jeans pocket and signals with his index finger laid over his plump, delicious, tempting lips - god, Jared's mind is wandering - that Jared should really just shut up.

Jared hears him dialing a number from three feet away, but can't recognize the voice of who's picking up.

“Hey Mish,” Jensen says, controlled and not like he just almost fucked Jared against the wall, “Could you come take the kids for the afternoon? - Yeah? Awesome. - Right now, yes, if you don't mind. - Perfect. - See you.”

Jared watches the back and forth wordlessly and is still wondering what's going to happen when Jensen steps back towards him and takes his hand.

“Misha's here in five minutes,” Jensen says, then pulls impatiently at Jared's hand.

“What now?” Jared is still baffled.

“Bed, now,” Jensen almost growls and it sends a pleasant shiver down Jared's spine.

“Thought you'd never ask,” Jared teases and winks. “We should probably wait for him, though.”

Jensen lets go of Jared's hand, then sticks his head into the living room to find the kids engrossed in their TV series.

“They won't even notice we're upstairs,” he argues, impatiently tugging at the hem of Jared's shirt now.

“Dude,” Jared chuckles, then pulls Jensen into his arms. “Calm down. We waited for months, we can wait for five minutes.”

Jensen groans and burrows closer to Jared. “Alright, fine.”

They distract themselves with the dishes, but as soon as they hear Misha turning his key, they throw the dishtowels across the kitchen and hightail it upstairs.

Misha just laughs after them and shouts, “Congratulations and stay safe!”

As soon as the door of Jared's bedroom is closed behind them, Jared turns to Jensen, “So, tell me, please. Tell me what you want.”

Jensen blinks for a second, then shrugs and seems almost a bit shy. It's adorable. “How about... I dunno, jerking off together?”

Jared watches him closely. Under his hooded, deep green eyes, there's a fire, a heat burning that Jared can feel blazing inside of him, too. Without further ado, Jared manhandles Jensen, who's too surprised to react, onto the bed. He hits the mattress with a soft sigh, then looks up at Jared and waits.

Wordlessly, Jared pulls his t-shirt over his head, undoes the button on his jeans and slips them down and off, together with his underwear. Screw taking it slow, he's been practically dying to do this for months. The socks are easily dealt with, and when he stands in front of the bed, Jensen's eyes almost roll out of his head in his attempt to take in all of Jared.

“God, Jay,” he sighs heavily and pats the bed beside him. “C'mere.”

Jared walks around the bed slowly, his eyes not once leaving Jensen's that are still roaming over his body. When Jared lies down, it's Jensen's turn to get to his feet and strip. He does it deliberately, carefully, unbuttoning his shirt and his jeans slowly.

Jensen is gorgeous, still, especially because of the softness that has gathered around his belly. Neither of them are as trained and toned as they were during the show, but damn, it's a good look on Jensen. He gives Jared all the time he wants to look at him, rolls his freckled shoulders once to relieve some tension, and Jared can see the muscles rippling from his chest down his arms. And then there's the fact that Jensen's cock is hard and standing proud, slightly curved towards his belly.

Unconsciously, Jared licks his lips. “Fuck,” he curses. “How am I supposed to keep my hands to myself?”

Jensen smiles mischievously when he lays down beside Jared, stretching out on the soft mattress, miles of soft skin and muscles on display for him.

“You'll make it,” Jensen winks, then sighs. “For the record, I kind of want to lick you all over right now.”

Jared chuckles, and the tension between them fades a bit. “So, let's jerk off together like pubescent teenagers who think it's totally not gay?”

“Precisely,” Jensen grins, and Jared follows the path of Jensen’s right hand down his body. It skims over perky nipples, down to his belly button, and to the trail of almost invisible blond, crude hair leading to Jensen's dick. He wraps his index finger and thumb around the base for a second and takes a deep breath before he makes the first stroke. Jensen's moves are slow and deliberate, just like he undressed earlier, and when he notices Jared's staring, he nods towards Jared's previously neglected cock.

“Go ahead, wanna see you, too,” he says, his voice rough and broken.

Jared grabs his dick unceremoniously and moans. It already feels so good, even though he only teases at the shaft for now, not wanting to come too soon. His left hand quickly joins the fun, and Jared rolls his balls through his fingers with it. He feels needy, like he's been too deprived of any touch like this for too long, which - to be fair - he has been, and the head of his cock is still too sensitive to touch right now.

Jensen's groan makes Jared look over and find him with his eyes pressed shut and his fingers clenching the base of his dick. “Shit, Jared,” he whispers.

“Anything you wanna tell me?” Jared chases, wallowing in a strange mixture of arousal and self-satisfaction.

“You're fucking hot,” Jensen shoots back, his eyes snapping open.

“Enjoying the show, then?” Jared strokes his cock up to the tip, now, fingers grazing the glans, and shudders from the delicious sensation.

Jensen groans and starts stimulating himself again. “You could say that.”

They spend the next few minutes wordlessly stroking and caressing themselves, eyes never leaving the other one's body, and when their eyes meet in-between, Jared almost comes from the unabashed look of desire and arousal sparkling in Jensen's green ones. He's been on the edge pretty much since they started. There's no way he can delay his inevitable orgasm any longer.

A spark of pride makes Jared want to see Jensen come before him, though.

Now, he could tell him as much, but where would be the fun in that?

“Hey, Jen,” he asks instead, his voice almost hoarse by now, “You know what else I really like to do while masturbating?”

“Hm?” Jensen prompts, halting the constant stroking of his hand momentarily.

“This,” Jared smirks at him, then drops the hand that's been massaging his sack down to his ass, runs his index finger up and down his crack before settling on teasing his hole, rubbing the puckered skin and moaning at the pleasure that's shooting through him at the stimulation.

From beside him, Jensen just groans a loud, “Fuck,” and as Jared's eyes shift to his cock, it's already shooting dirty white stripes over Jensen's chest and belly, his hips jerking uncontrollably.

The picture is enough to send him over the edge, too, and he leaves his eyes on the sinful picture of Jensen with cooling come covering his upper body as he hits his climax hard.

Afterwards, they're resting and calming down, watching each other with dopey grins on their faces and stroking themselves lazily.

It's really, really hard not to kiss Jensen right there, but so far, Jared has always waited for Jensen to initiate it.

“Would we cross a line by cuddling naked?” Jared asks around a sigh and starts to search for the packet of tissues on his bedside table.

When his eyes land back on Jensen, offering him a tissue to clean up, the expression on Jensen's face is soft, his eyes staring into space. He looks like he's fighting an internal war.

“Jensen?” Jared says softly.

“Huh?” Jensen blinks, focusing on Jared and taking the offered tissue. “Sorry, I just... no, I don't think so.”

They make quick work of cleaning up, and then Jensen is in Jared's arms, and they're touching, gloriously naked skin pressed against Jared from head to toe. Their softening cocks are rubbing against each other's, and Jared thinks that Jensen's understanding of a line has definitely shifted.

“Are you sure?” Jared follows up, no matter how much he enjoys this. Maybe Jensen will regret this later otherwise. “I mean, it feels a lot like we’re crossing a line. And I love touching you, but I just don't want you to... feel obligated or anything and we've made it for so long without--”

Jensen curls his hand around Jared's neck, pulls him in and kisses him. Full on his lips, soft and sweet, yet passionate and firm. Jared's brain decides to short circuit in that moment, and he tightens his hold on Jensen and kisses him as if his life depended on it. Their tongues are tangling, teasing each other, lips nipping and teasing and Jared can't help but grin into the kiss.

“Jensen,” he whispers when they part, both breathless and smiling widely. “What the hell?”

Jensen chuckles. “Sorry. I mean, I'm... I've been stupid.”

“Huh?”

“I love you, Jared,” Jensen says sincerely, eyes firmly fixed on Jared's, “and I've been stupid and for that I'm sorry.”

Confused and surprised, Jared shakes his head. “That's wonderful... I mean, I know, but what? Why is this coming now?”

Jensen just laughs some more, then he presses a quick peck onto Jared's lips again. “Because I'm an idiot and I love you.”

“You're repeating yourself,” Jared can't help but grin now, because Jensen is ruffled and grinning adorably, too, and he loves him.

“I'll tell you every day for the rest of our lives now,” Jensen smiles, then reaches up to cup Jared's cheek and stroke it softly.

“You do that, but what the hell just happened?” Jared wonders.

“I realized that I've been ready for a while now, but was too scared to take the next step,” Jensen shakes his head. “With the divorce still running and all, I didn't know when the appropriate time was, you know.”

“There's no such thing. It's gotta be okay for you, and nothing else matters.”

“I know that now, but I'm sorry if I made this harder on you than necessary.”

“No, I get it,” Jared reassures Jensen with a quick, loving kiss onto his lips. “I do. You needed to be sure.”

“And I am, now. I'm in, one hundred percent, absolutely sure,” Jensen nods confidently. “You got me, I'm yours.”

Jared stares at him, baffled at Jensen's apparent epiphany, but after a while, he flips them over so Jensen is on his back and Jared can kiss him into the mattress and never come up for air ever again.

Jensen laughs against his lips, happy and joyful and so full of life. It makes Jared's heart almost jump out of his chest from all the overwhelming feelings balling together in his chest.

“I love you, too,” he whispers into Jensen's lips in-between kisses. “Sap.”



The next day, they take their first shower together and need about twice as long as usual because they're taking care of some business while they're at it. It's clumsy and inexperienced and Jared chokes on Jensen's cock by accident, but it's good, really fucking good. They kiss each other at the breakfast table and the kids don't even bat an eye.

“You aren't wearing your wedding ring,” Jared notes when they're coming home from bringing the kids over to Misha's.

“Yeah, I...” Jensen starts thoughtfully and rubs his thumb over the vacant spot on his ring finger, then continues, “I wore it as a reminder, you know. It's weird, but I don't need it anymore.”

Jared smiles and quickly kisses Jensen. “You'll get used to it.”

The court hearing is set for early noon and when they get there, Danneel is already waiting with a taut, polite smile.

“How are you doing?” she asks.

“Fine,” Jensen answers simply and Jared nods in agreement. “You?”

“Me too,” she says before her eyes shift to Jared, pinning him in place with her gaze, open and sincere. “You know, I'd have to lie to say I'm not pissed. Because I am, at the whole situation. But it is what is is, right? So, I just need you to promise that you're taking care of him.”

Jared is speechless for a moment, but then he finds himself nodding. “Of course I will.”

“Good. At least I know that all of this hasn't been for nothing.”

Jensen has listened to the exchange quietly, but butts in at that point. “Nothing before this has been for nothing, I hope you know that,” he states with emphasis.

Danneel sighs. “That's not what I meant.”

“Oh, alright,” Jensen averts his eyes and swallows. “Just, please, never doubt that I did love you.”

“I know you have,” Danneel says, and her facade seems to crumble under Jared's and Jensen's eyes. Suddenly, she looks tired. “I'm just a bit out of it, currently.”

“I'm sorry,” Jensen apologizes.

She waves him off, then pulls him into a hesitant, stiff hug that takes a while to become genuine.

Jensen sighs, “God, Danni, I missed you.”

“Yeah, missed you, too. But these last few months were hard enough, seeing you would've just ripped open a few fresh wounds, you know.”

Jensen nods solemnly and pulls away from her. “I know. So we're cool?”

“We're cool,” Danneel smiles weakly and squeezes Jensen's hand. “I just want you to be happy.”

“Yeah, I... you too,” Jensen mumbles, then reciprocates the smile.



The hearing is a quick and easy process; they dealt with the details beforehand, and all the judge needs to do, technically, is to make the divorce final.



A week later, Jared wakes up in the middle of the night to find the space beside him empty.

When he trudges downstairs, he finds Jensen in the living room, the laptop open on the coffee table and casting an eerie glow over his face.

“Jen?” Jared yawns sleepily. “Why aren't you in bed?”

“Couldn't sleep,” Jensen sighs, then looks up from where he was staring at the monitor. “Come here?”

Jared drags his feet over to the couch and plops down beside Jensen, letting his head fall onto Jensen's shoulder. Jensen makes a soft 'oof' sound at the weight dropped onto him, but doesn't complain. Instead, he smiles and wraps an arm around Jared's shoulders.

“I found something,” he says and points at the laptop.

Jared focuses on the monitor, which seems bleary, but damn if Jared knows if it's because it's 3 a.m. and he's sleepy or if it’s because he’s starting to get near-sighted. It's a real estate agent's page, and it's an old winery in Temecula Valley that's up for sale.

It's the exact same winery from the other world.

“It's perfect,” Jared mumbles. “Let's buy it.”

“You didn't even see the price.”

“I don't care. It's ours.”

Jensen blinks at him for a moment, then he starts to get what's up. “Oh, so it's...”

“Yeah.”

“Alright. Let's buy it.”



After some negotiating, they end up renovating the place during the next year. This time around, Jared insists on installing an elevator to the second floor, no matter how many times Jensen says it's ridiculous. Because they bought it earlier than in the other world, it's not nearly as run down and they manage to salvage a lot of stuff.

The kids are still going to school in L.A., since they're with Genevieve and Danneel a lot of the time, but during the weekends they regularly spend time in the way bigger back yard of the winery.

They have a huge party when everything is finally done at the house, with all of their friends and the kids. A lot of the L.A. based actors they know are there - Tom and Mike and Chad - as well as Chris, Steve and Jason. The weather even agrees with their plans, and it's sunny all day for the barbeque.

Everything's perfect, for now.

Jared is standing at the grill, turning the steaks and sipping at his beer while trying to fend off the occasional wandering kids' hands. With a look around, he takes in the people scattered all around the lawn in groups, talking and laughing and playing with the kids, and he knows everything is alright. He knows that life won't always be perfect and that there will be some milestones they've yet to hit - they'll lose friends and family to death or due to not seeing them anymore. There'll be sickness, and there'll be blows of fate.

But just like in the other world, they'll make it through each and every one of them, because they've got each other.

Jared's eyes quickly scan the back yard for Jensen and find him talking to Misha a few feet away. He's smiling and laughing and looking so comfortable in his skin that Jared's heart swells with pride.

His partner, whom he loves more than anything in the world.

“You look like you're knee-deep in thinking about a life-changing decision,” Vicki pulls him out of his thoughts.

Jared hadn't even heard her approaching, but now that she's standing beside him with a huge grin and an empty plate in her hand, he grins at her just as widely. “Yeah, maybe.”

He doesn't think too much about it until after everyone is fed and happy, lounging on the tables they set up in the grass with a beer or cocktail. The kids get non-alcoholic cocktails and are sipping proudly at their straws from glasses that look just like the adults'.

After some idle conversation, Jensen tugs at Jared's hand and pulls him in front of where their guests are sitting.

“Hey, everyone,” he waves. “Just a word.”

The murmuring quiets down and Jensen clears his throat. Jared notices that the hand that's clutching his seems a bit shaky. And Jensen may be an actor but he can't hide anything from Jared for shit.

He's nervous and Jared has no idea why.

“First, I wanna thank everyone for coming out here to our winery and joining us in what I hope will be a series of barbeque parties to come.”

Rosenbaum whoops at that and gets an elbow from Tom into his side for his troubles. Jensen just laughs.

“Since we've finished renovating everything during the last few months, we'll be able to actually produce some Chardonnay next year, and I hope to have y'all back here when we get to our first wine tasting. Consider this your invitation.”

Jared grins even wider and nods in agreement.

“Second,” Jensen continues, the smile on his lips starting to get a bit tense, but his eyes are shining warmly when they meet Jared's. “I want to say thank you to Jared for all that he's done with me and for me during the past years. I don't know what I did to deserve you, and I love you.”

“Love you, too, old sap,” Jared mumbles and leans down to kiss him softly.

Jensen's hand around his tightens for a moment, and then his other hand shifts from Jared's waist to the pocket of his shorts. When it comes back up, Jensen leans back a bit to show Jared the ring that he's holding between his thumb and index finger. It's plain and gold, and it couldn't be more perfect.

“Wanna marry me?” Jensen asks with a wavering smile and the nervousness finally makes sense.

Jared doesn't hesitate for a second. “Yes,” he answers and picks Jensen up from the ground, kisses him hard while Jensen's feet are dangling in the air. Jensen smiles into the kiss and everything's truly perfect.

The murmuring around them erupts into cheering and congratulations and Jared is barely aware of it, because all he can see is Jensen in front of him, Jensen grinning and kissing him again as the nervousness dissipates and gets replaced by happiness and confidence. Jensen slips the ring onto Jared’s left ring finger and even has a second one for himself that Jared gets to slip onto Jensen's hand.



The party goes on for a few more hours, and when the guests finally leave, Genevieve and Danneel taking the kids with them, Jared goes to take a shower. He's been sweating all day, and cleaning up after the party was pretty exhausting, too.

When he meets Jensen in the master bedroom, he's still naked and his hair is already blow-dried.

Jensen moans when he sees him, shifting restlessly under the blanket. “God, what took you so long.”

“Just because you were the first one in the shower...” Jared grins and crawls onto the bed, covers Jensen's body with his own. They kiss, a hot and desperate kiss that they've prolonged because of the kids and the guests. It's downright dirty, Jared's tongue parting Jensen's lips after just a few teasing nips against his bottom lip. Jared's moan is swallowed by Jensen's mouth, and they've been longing to be alone since the proposal, but now that they're here, Jared just doesn't want to take it slow.

While they're still kissing and Jensen's tongue is busy curling around Jared's, Jared pulls the blanket that's covering Jensen up to his waist off, to find him already naked underneath. Without further ado, Jared straddles his hips and rubs his crotch against Jensen's, their cocks slotting together in practiced motion.

Jensen squirms and moans underneath him, meets every thrust of Jared's hips, the sounds dropping from his sinful lips nothing short of pornographic. He's usually not that vocal, but Jared gets it. He's a bit overly sensitive today as well.

Jared lifts his torso and works his hand between them, wraps it around both their cocks to jerk them together. At the touch, Jensen surges up, rolling his whole body into Jared's, and not that Jensen usually doesn't enjoy sex, but he's surprisingly responsive. Jared promptly uses that to tease him, lets Jensen's cock slip against the crack of his ass, and they both moan at the sensation.

“Fuck, what's with you today?” Jared asks breathlessly, then nibbles down Jensen's jawline and neck while Jensen writhes and jerks every time Jared grinds down on him.

“Want you- ah, shit - want you to fuck me,” Jensen eventually mumbles, panting and breathless and looking so incredibly gorgeous when Jared looks down to meet his eyes. They've never done this before. It's been Jared who bottomed, mostly because he offered it the first time around and he enjoyed feeling Jensen so intimately within himself. It worked and it was great, but Jensen never mentioned wanting to bottom before.

“Are you sure? Because then we'll need a lot more prep,” Jared asks carefully.

Jensen winks. “Already taken care of.”

Jared blinks and stares at him for a moment, then slides off of Jensen to lay down beside him. As he trails his hand down beneath Jensen's balls, Jared finds the flared end of their butt plug resting snug against his perineum. That does explain a lot.

“Jesus,” Jared moans and drops his head down onto Jensen's shoulder. “You worked yourself open for me?” he asks around a moan, fondling the plug.

“Well, I managed to get the plug in. Think you still need to do some work, considering, you know,” Jensen waves down with a chuckle, indicating Jared's dick. “Maybe I sound like a size queen, but I can't wait to feel you inside of me. Wanted that for a while now.”

Jared groans again, then closes his fingers around the end of the plug to remove it carefully from Jensen's body. “I don't want to hurt you, so please tell me if you're feeling uncomfortable,” he says and scoops up some residual lube, working a finger into Jensen immediately. “How's that feel?” Jared grins when Jensen shudders with pleasure.

“So much better than the plug,” Jensen growls. “Keep going.”

Jared takes his time opening Jensen up on his fingers, pausing to apply some more lube some time in-between two fingers and three, and Jensen is whimpering with need by the time the three glide in and out of his ass smoothly.

“God, Jared, please,” he begs brokenly, thrusting down to meet Jared's fingers. “Please, please, wanna feel you--”

“Yeah,” Jared nods, just as breathless just from watching Jensen. He slowly retrieves his fingers and smears lube onto his cock.

When he parts Jensen's legs and lines himself up, Jensen is whispering words of encouragement and nonsensical pleas into his ear, and Jared slides home in a slow, careful thrust.

Jensen's mouth goes slack for a few solid seconds.

“Jen?” Jared whispers, worried. “Everything alright?”

An almost feral groan wrings its way out of Jensen's mouth and he shivers. “So, so alright, you have no idea. Move, damnit, move.”

Jared laughs softly and starts rocking his hips, working in little circles because he knows he has Jensen's prostate dead on already, which is a lucky break he fully intends to use.

“Shit,” Jensen curses. “Shit, I had no idea it'd feel like this.”

“Good?” Jared chases with a grin. He can't help it, but it feels so good to have Jensen underneath him with his legs crossed at the ankles on the small of Jared's back, his cock buried in the tight heat of Jensen's body.

“Fucking intense,” Jensen sighs. “Never thought it'd be so... overwhelming. So much of you, god. Love it.”

Jared sighs and kisses him, Jensen's tongue trailing hot against the sensitive skin on the inside of Jared's lips. The kiss alone almost sends him over the edge, and he has to halt the movement of his hips for a short second.

“Hey,” Jensen admonishes, “Don't you dare stop.”

“Don't you almost make me come, how's that?” Jared shoots back with a smile and complies.

The thrusts become firmer after Jared gets a feeling for what makes Jensen whimper on each and every one of them. He watches in delight as Jensen's face changes from sheer pleasure to wanton need and tenses with impending release.

“Please tell me you're about to come,” he moans. “Because now would be the perfect time.”

“Yeah,” Jared moans, too, “C'mon.”

Jensen lets go, visibly relaxes and groans loudly as his orgasm washes over him. His muscles clench repeatedly around Jared's dick, the stimulation and Jensen's glazed-over eyes looking up at him after having come untouched enough to make Jared climax, too. He empties himself into Jensen's body, his mind blank except for the word “Mine,” which he whispers into Jensen's ear after collapsing on top of him.

“Fuck, that was good,” Jensen sighs, then nudges Jared's shoulder. “Hey, sasquatch, you're crushing me.”

“Sorry,” Jared says and carefully pulls out of Jensen to roll off of him. He feels boneless and sated and just plain happy.

Jensen leans over to kiss him, slowly and deliberately, before getting to his feet to clean up.

As he walks across the room to the adjoining bathroom, Jared makes out a drop of pearly white fluid running down the inside of Jensen's thigh. His cock gives a vague twitch of interest at seeing Jensen like that, gloriously butt naked with Jared's come dripping from his ass.

Jared is so glad that they got tested a month prior, because that's the most sinful, awesome picture he could think of.

“Hey, how about next time I ride you while you wear the plug?” Jared offers when Jensen returns to bed and to Jared's arms.

“Yeah, that's gonna be a short pleasure,” Jensen laughs.

It makes Jared chuckle, too. “You totally get off on this, don't you?”

“Gee, what gave me away?” Jensen shakes his head amused, his beard tickling Jared's nipples.



The next morning, Jared sits on the back porch with his cup of coffee beside him on the deck, his feet dangling over the edge.

“What are you doing out here?” Jensen asks as he joins him, sitting down beside him and bumping Jared's shoulder.

“Thinking,” Jared says and smiles at him.

Jensen chuckles and runs his hand through his messy hair, his golden engagement ring glinting in the morning sun. His reading glasses are perched on the bridge of his nose, right above the little bump among the multitude of freckles that Jared loves so much. His temples are starting to become grayed, and Jared likes the look of it a lot.

Jared feels like he's falling in love all over again, and the joy at having Jensen here, beside him, almost drives the dark thoughts from before away.

“God, I love you,” Jared sighs around a small smile.

“'Jensen' is enough,” Jensen grins and kisses him softly. “Love you, too, by the way.”

They trade lazy kisses for a while, the sun warming their skin underneath the old T-shirts and shorts they're wearing.

“So what were you thinking about?” Jensen asks sincerely when they pull apart.

“Allison,” Jared admits and looks out into the back yard. The old apple tree already has a new swing attached to it, thanks to Jensen. It feels like a dejá-vu to see all of this. “It's a shame that she'll never get to play in this back yard.”

Jensen looks at him thoughtfully, then sighs. “You see the swing right there? I can totally see her there, with you standing behind her to push her higher and higher. And when she gets older, she'll play soccer with Sean and Rose on the lawn, and Julia is the goalkeeper over at the bushes there. They'll ruin the bushes and they'll manage to kick the ball into the vineyard, and you're the one to get it back for them.”

Jared laughs out loud at the last part, because that was totally what happened in the other world, and he never told Jensen that.

“Nailed it?” Jensen asks amused.

“Nailed it.”

Jensen's hand comes to rest on Jared's knee, and he squeezes it softly. “She'll always be here, you know. In your heart.”

Jared smiles at him and kisses him again. “Sap.”

“You love it.”

“I do. And you're right.”

“I'm always right, because I'm the older one,” Jensen states matter-of-factly and Jared pokes his side.

“So, if you're the wiser one, old man,” he teases. “Would you do it differently if you had the chance? Our life, I mean. Say, if we met again at the audition.”

“No,” Jensen answers firmly, which surprises Jared.

“Why?”

“Because right now, I'm happy with what I have. I've got you, after everything. What's more to wish for?” Jensen shrugs and smiles and looks so adorable that Jared can't do anything but tackle him to the floor in a bear hug.

It sounds so simple and so right when he puts it like that, Jared muses.

They end up on rolling around on the deck, tickling and teasing each other until they spilled both cups of coffee onto the lawn and Jensen's shorts.

And Jared looks at Jensen beneath him, at his bright laughter, at his shining eyes and the love that radiates from him, which seeps right into Jared's bones with every touch, and thinks that life couldn't be better.



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