Vertigo - Part 4
<< Part 3
Another two weeks later, they finally leave on their trip to Europe, and even though they feel kind of bad for leaving Danneel and Genevieve alone with the kids, they both had been looking forward to it ever since they decided to go and started planning.
Jensen smiles to himself as the plane takes off from LAX, the sky clear except for a few clouds. Everything around them is dipped in the warm, yellow-red light of the setting sun, and it makes Jensen's eyes shine and sparkle.
Jared nudges his side and smiles encouragingly. “What is it?”
“How long has it been since it's been just the two of us?” Jensen answers, lost in thought.
“Too long?” Jared offers with a secretive smile.
“Yeah,” Jensen sighs with a tiny, private smile in return.
“Thanks for doing this with me.”
“Dude, I need it as much as you do. I mean, I love the kids, all of them. But it's no use kidding ourselves, we need a break, and we need some perspective.”
When Jared looks over, he finds Jensen with his hands clasped in his lap, his bottom lip drawn between his teeth, staring into space.
If Jensen only knew how right he is.
After changing planes in London, they arrive in Berlin at around lunchtime, which is confusing enough. They managed to sleep on the plane, but even first class will allow only so much comfort.
Jared's shoulders are cramped up, and he doesn't hold back his complaints about that. Maybe, just maybe if he complained enough-
“'m not gonna give you a massage,” Jensen cuts off his thoughts as if he can read them. Despite the harsh words, a smile tugs at the corners of his lips.
“Not even if I return the favor?”
Jensen shoots him a skeptical look and stays quiet for a moment. Then he says, “Let me think about that.”
Jared can't help it, he grins as wide as he can, feeling like the weight he brought here from back home is finally lifted off of his shoulders. When they walk towards the baggage claim area, he even dares to put his hand on the small of Jensen's back. Jensen accepts it with a small smile that makes Jared feel all fuzzy inside.
They take the subway into the city and to their hotel that's right around the corner from the Kurfürstendamm, Berlin's famous shopping mile.
They’ve only planned four days for Berlin, then they can pick up their rental car and Jensen can enjoy driving down one of the unrestricted German highways at a hundred miles an hour.
Jared's favorite part of being in Berlin is not only that the city is so different from L.A., but that there's barely any risk of being recognized on the street. They look like the average American tourists, and from what he heard, Supernatural was never that huge in Germany. Known, but not famous. Nowadays, he is glad of that.
They tick off all the important places to see in Berlin - the Bundestag, the historical building where the parliament works; the KaDeWe, a famous big store in the city center that's tiny compared to their mall at home; Checkpoint Charlie and the Alexanderplatz with the world clock. On their last day, they visit the East Side Gallery, the last remains of the Berlin Wall, and Jared ends up standing between the Wall and the river - the Spree - on a strip of sand.
“I can't believe this was once the death strip, with antipersonnel mines and spring guns and everything,” Jensen says solemnly as he looks down the river where it winds its way through the city. “Hard to believe that this was what separated families for decades.”
Jared nods, lost in thought.
“And yet, there were people who dared to jump into that river and try to swim to the other side,” Jensen continues repeating what he's read at the White Crosses memorial across the street from the Bundestag building and sighs.
Jared shrugs. “I'd probably do that, too, if it were what separated me from my family and loved ones. Or you.”
“Yeah, you would,” Jensen chuckles and raises an eyebrow. “Many of them were shot in the process, though.”
“Totally worth it,” Jared smiles at him.
Jensen wordlessly pulls him out of his depressing thoughts by his elbow, leads him back through the gap in the Wall and down the street.
When they reach the famous painting of two men kissing each other, Jensen's eyes first widen in surprise, then shift back to the guidebook in his hands.
“Says here that this painting is depicting the Brotherhood Kiss, a special form of greeting between statesmen of the Eastern Bloc. These men are Leonid Breschnew and Erich Honecker,” he quotes.
Jared nods and stares.
Because Jensen looks downright adorable in his tourist get-up, with his rucksack on his back, wearing comfortable old running shoes, light blue jeans and a plain black t-shirt. A frown knits his brows underneath the worn baseball cap. As someone who's familiar with the whole Ackles baseball cap collection, Jared knows it's one of his favorites that he's had on for a lot of trips to the coffee shop back in the day. He also knows that Jensen's hair will look all messed-up and be sticking out in all directions when he takes the cap off, and the thought makes him smile.
“... and Erich Honecker was the leader of the socialist party and therefore the most powerful politician in the German Democratic Republic for almost twenty years,” Jensen finishes up what he's reading from the guidebook.
Jared can't stop staring at his lips, forming the words, his tongue sneaking out to wet his plush bottom lip when he turns the page. It's mesmerizing, the way he concentrates, and the frown just won't leave, either.
“The paintings on the Wall have been restored in 2009, since a lot of them were blemished with scribbling and graffiti and damaged by the weather,” Jensen adds, then looks up, the frown turning confused. “Jared?”
The way his lips dance around the shape of his name is making Jared's head spin.
“Hey, man, what's up?” Jensen asks and grabs his shoulder.
Jared notices it only vaguely, because Jensen is standing too close, and Jared can smell his aftershave and the kebab he's had for lunch, which is way less disgusting than he thought when he noticed all the garlic in the sauce, and something inherently Jensen, and--
“Jen,” he manages, a breathy plea that's not supposed to be a whisper and not supposed to sound so damn sexual, and yet it is.
Jensen feels the shift in Jared's behavior, too, and looks him straight in the eye. “Jared. Snap out of it.”
The point is, Jared knows that Jensen is right, and he closes his eyes. Tries to block out the smell of Jensen surrounding him, tries to block out his heart hammering in his chest, tries to block out every cell in his body screaming for bodily contact with Jensen. The hardest part, by far, is convincing himself that leaning down and kissing Jensen would be the absolute worst thing to do right now, no matter how much he yearns to. Jensen's hand on his shoulder is making his skin tingle, all the way down his spine, and he has to take a deep breath to shake it off.
When Jared opens his eyes again, Jensen's eyes are as green and as unreadable as always. “What was that? Are you sure everything's alright?”
“Yeah,” Jared answers and attempts a reassuring smile. From the way Jensen is pursing his lips, he concludes that it isn't very convincing, which isn't that much of a surprise, since everything inside him wants to yell No.
No, because I'm in love with you, and there's nothing I can do about it.
Jensen looks skeptical, but slides his hand down to Jared's elbow. “Then c'mon, we've still got to visit the zoo,” he says and guides him down the street.
Jared only notices the remaining pictures from the corner of his eye. His focus is on Jensen, his feelings revolting inside his chest, and he feels both happy and sick to his stomach.
The happiness is so overwhelming that it makes him sick, he realizes.
There's still that other twist in his stomach, though, the one that says 'You're in love with your best friend, who's straight and married to a woman.'
But for once, ever since the accident, Jared sees it clear in front of him whenever he meets Jensen's eyes, whenever he smiles and the skin around those eyes crinkles and the laugh lines cut deep into his cheeks.
He can't live like this, he can't settle for being Jensen's friend without trying anything more. Not again. He's never been able to keep a secret for long, especially not from Jensen. And he needs to be honest, to himself, to Jensen, and to Danneel.
And even if it ends up breaking his friendship with Jensen, with Jensen telling him to fuck off, Jared can't live that lie. He'll salvage what he can, of course. If it's meant to be, then it'll work out, and if it isn't, it won't, and Jared can live with that.
They drive up to the German Sea and spend the night in a small hotel at the beach before heading over to Hamburg to see a musical there. From there on, it's a road trip to Frankfurt, Hannover and Stuttgart, a weekend spent at a wellness place in the Black Forest and a detour over to France to visit Strasbourg.
It's the third week of their trip, they've been past Vienna and Munich and the obligatory visit to the Hofbräuhaus, one of Munich's oldest beer halls, had their mug of beer and their pork roast with bread dumplings and sauerkraut each, and Jared still hasn't told Jensen.
Because he's a coward, and because he doesn't want to ruin their trip that was supposed to help them both relax.
They spend the last two days before their flight in a small town in Lower Bavaria, barely an hour away from Munich, in a lovely little hotel surrounded by rows of colorful 18th century buildings and with a stunning Gothic church looming over them. It's a picture they'd never see in the US, and the atmosphere captures them immediately.
The local church is the tallest brick building and church in the world, and they take the time to walk up the stairs all the way to the top of the church tower. At 430 feet above ground, the tower seems to sway a little, which their guide explains to their group of ten people is normal. Still, Jared can't bear to look down at the ground. It makes him dizzy, and when he shakes his head to get rid of the uneasiness, he feels Jensen's hand wrap around his waist. Jensen pulls him gently away from the railing, even though they don't have much space to move on the narrow tower top anyway, and doesn't let go of him.
His skin is tingling where Jensen touches him, gentle and comforting, and Jared's heart jumps in his chest. He looks over his shoulder to find Jensen's emerald green eyes. A frown is knitting his brows, and he's clearly worried, so Jared tries to give him a reassuring smile that turns out a bit shaky.
Jensen still doesn't let go, and when Jared risks another glance down at the ground, the height doesn't seem so intimidating any more. Not as long as Jensen is there, beside him, holding on to him.
And in that moment, Jared realizes he could do anything as long as he has Jensen at his side.
“What's that castle over there?” an older man with a thick French accent asks, interrupting Jared's thoughts. He follows the finger of the man's outstretched hand to the structure built on the hill next to the city.
“That's the Trausnitz castle,” their guide, a brunette student in his early twenties, says. “Did you know that when they built this church, they wanted to build the tower so high so they could, and I quote, 'look into the duke's soup bowl'? That's why right now, we're at the same height as the castle is.”
Jensen chuckles to himself, and Jared lets the warm rumble calm his nerves. Jensen's hand is still clasped firmly around his waist, and he couldn't give less of a fuck about what their tour guide might think.
“You should go up there, if you've got the time. There's a bus stop, or you can just walk up the... it's called Ochsenklavier, which translates to ox piano in English. Sounds stupid, but you'll get why it got that name if you see it. Back in the middle ages, they used that path to drive down the cattle from the castle. It's a steep climb, but it's worth it.”
“Hey, maybe we should to that tomorrow,” Jensen says quietly to Jared, and Jared is glad for the distraction.
“Yeah, that'd be great,” Jared answers, staring straight ahead at the castle.
“No offense, but you look a little sick,” the guide addresses Jared with a sympathetic smile. “Should we go back down?”
“Yes, please,” Jared manages to breath out hastily, and the tour guide leads the way back into the staircase. All the way down, Jensen's hand doesn't stray from Jared's shoulder or the small of his back, keeping constant contact, and it's driving Jared insane, even more than the height of the tower did.
When they're back on solid ground - or what feels like solid ground to Jared's feet - he throws his arm around Jensen's shoulders and squeezes him quickly.
“Thank you,” Jared whispers into Jensen's ear with emphasis.
If he isn't mistaken, Jensen shakes a little under his touch, and there's a tremble to his lips when he smiles at Jared and says, “Of course,” and it doesn't make sense, but Jared gets it. He's been fluent in Jensen for decades.
In that moment, Jared decides to tell Jensen about his feelings for about the hundredth time since Berlin. He's gonna tell him. Not now, but as soon as they're alone. Maybe when they're up at the castle? It would be kind of romantic, no matter how Jensen will react.
Maybe he'll do it tomorrow. At the castle.
Definitely before they fly back to the US.
Seriously, there should be some kind of instructions that don't come straight out of a rom-com movie, some kind of handbook about how to break it to your best friend that you're in love with him, without completely ruining everything or sounding insane.
All day, Jared has been a mess.
They've been walking around the city, down the river, the Isar, into a beautiful nearby recreational area, and all the while Jared pondered over which words to use.
The city hosts an annual renaissance festival up at the castle, which will start in two days, but they won't be around for that. They head up to look at the castle nonetheless, take the tour and have a medieval meal at the restaurant located in one of the old halls. After that, most of the workers preparing the festival have already left the castle grounds. There are old tents along gravel paths that will sell all kinds of middle ages weaponry and food.
Not even the other tourists are there any more, the grounds are almost too quiet, and Jared silently leads the way to a bench in front of the nearby castle wall. The city is spread out beneath them and they can see the river and the recreational area from here; there's a little mall in the distance and more prominently, the church that they visited yesterday towering over the beautiful old town that's glimmering with the deep red light of the sunset.
It's almost painfully romantic, but Jared doesn't say that. Instead, he inhales deeply and says, “I'm glad we came here, even though we didn't have this town on our list.”
“Yeah, it's absolutely stunning,” Jensen agrees, and the smile on his lips is a little hooded. It makes Jared wonder if he already knows that something's up. “I can't believe that our road trip is already over. It's been three amazing weeks.”
“Again, thank you so much for doing this with me.” Jared squeezes Jensen's shoulder, giving him a heartfelt smile.
Jensen's “Again, you're welcome,” is almost drowned out by the buzzing in Jared's ears, by the thumping of his heart in his chest.
The point is, there's no easy way and no right way to do this, so Jared might as well just spit it out.
He drops down heavily on the bench and focuses on the horizon for a moment. Then he takes another deep breath and says, “There's something I need to talk to you about.”
“I figured,” Jensen answers tightly and sits down beside him, his arms open and his head tilted towards Jared. “Go ahead.”
“It's still about the accident and my near-death experience. There's a very crucial point that you deserve to know.”
Jensen just nods when Jared looks up at him, strong and reassuring and looking like the news Jared is about to tell him won't be able to turn his world upside down. Jared, however, is sweating, even more than usual, and rubs his moist hands against his thighs, the motion mostly nervous energy.
“You know that you died in the other world,” Jared continues, waits for Jensen's nod to come. “Well, the day before that, we realized that we'd been in love with each other for a while. Years, actually. And basically, we were together for a day, and that's why we went to sleep together in one bed, and I found you lying dead beside me the morning after.”
Jensen's mouth opens and closes a few times, and Jared can read on his face that he wants to make a quip or something to ease the tension between them, but can’t find any words to say.
“Shit,” is what he eventually manages when he rubs his hand over his mouth.
“Yeah,” Jared agrees, staring down at his hands in his lap to avoid Jensen's worried look. “And that's what had me so completely torn and screwed over ever since.”
Jensen is quiet for a short while, and eventually clears his throat. “Why? Because you lost me specifically and that fucked with your head, or because... you know, the feelings--”
“Both,” Jared replies quick as a shot, and it's clearly not what Jensen wanted to hear judging by his grimace. “I’ve thought about it a lot during the past months. I mean, I lived what I would've deemed an ideal life in the other world. I had Gen and the kids, and even though we weren't together until the end, everyone was happy. And I was living with you, and then we realized we'd wasted so much time and... after your death, I was sure that if I had the chance again, I'd do it differently. It wasn't my perfect life anymore.”
Jensen looks at him, pleading silently for something Jared doesn't want to name. He needs to get this out, though, and he needs to get it out now.
“I feel like I've been given a second chance, and I want to do it differently this time.”
“So, what you're saying is...” Jensen trails off, rubbing his hand over his eyes, something he tends to do when he's stressed. Back on set, Jeannie had reprimanded him regularly for that, because she always had to fix his make-up.
“I have feelings for you, Jen,” Jared admits quietly. “And I can't hide them anymore. They've been there for a long time, and I thought I could ignore them until they went away. I thought it would be better to not say anything. But now that I've seen what happened in the other world, I can't live that life again.”
“Jared,” Jensen groans, and there's definitely frustration and pent-up anger behind the words. “Are you aware of what you're doing right now?”
Jared chuckles bitterly and humorlessly. “Risking our friendship and maybe ruining another marriage?”
Jensen buries his hands in his face, and Jared feels horrible.
“I'm sorry for doing this to you,” he adds.
Jensen doesn't answer, just sits there with his elbows on his knees, his chest rising and falling a bit too quickly.
Patiently, Jared stares out into the world, breathes in the smell of summer and the warm sun on bakestone. His heart is still racing, but it doesn't feel like the world is resting on his shoulders anymore. Their situation has worsened to say the least, but Jared’s breaths are calmer, somehow.
“I love Danneel,” Jensen says pointedly after a long minute of pregnant silence.
“And I will always love Gen,” Jared answers. “From the bottom of my heart, as a friend. What I'm feeling for you is so much more than that.”
“So I'm the one you're in love with,” Jensen says as if he had just heard the words for the first time, his eyes wide open and fixed on Jared.
“Yes sir,” Jared confirms with a playful nod and a smile. “And I'm tired of hiding it.”
“Holy shit,” Jensen whispers, and Jared can tell it wasn't supposed to be a whisper.
“Impressed?”
“Yeah, well, that's... kind of huge. Changes a lot of things. You left Gen on the off chance that I might reciprocate your feelings?”
Jared sighs quietly. “I did, even though I know this is pretty hopeless anyway.”
For a long moment, Jensen just stares at Jared thoughtfully. “For what it's worth, I do understand why you don't want to hide.”
“How would I even be able to? Everyone knows what happened,” Jared defends himself because he suddenly feels like he needs to. “I told them, Misha and Vicki. Gen knows, too.”
“Gen knows?” Jensen asks in surprise. “Really?”
“She figured it out.”
Jensen nods, then replies, “Still, Danni doesn't know.”
Jared frowns. “Don't you think Gen’s told her by now?”
“I don't know, honestly,” Jensen sighs, slumping in on himself a bit more. “It's just... fuck, I should've seen this coming, but I didn't want to believe it.”
“Believe what?”
“That it's me.”
“You already guessed it?” Jared asks in surprise.
Jensen rubs his eyes, looking exhausted. “Well, yeah, I'm not stupid. There aren't much more people around that I could imagine you... Jesus, Jared. You don't expect me to divorce Danneel, do you?”
“No, I don't, of course,” Jared replies with a heavy sigh. “I know this is complicated. It took me over a year to wrap my mind around it. Being in love with someone who's married is hard and it always sucks for everyone involved. Again, I'm sorry. I don't want to pressure you into anything. I'm aware it's not my place.”
Jensen just hums noncommittally. He looks absolutely miserable and Jared's heart aches for him, so he adds on a whim, “Can I hug you?”
Wordlessly, Jensen shifts towards him, allowing Jared to pull him into a tight embrace. Jared knows he's indulging him, but needs the contact as much as Jared needs it right now, too.
Jensen tucks his head into Jared's neck, just like he always has when they hug, although they're obviously both aware of the connotation the gesture bears.
“It's not like I'd take advantage. Just, maybe a little,” Jared clarifies and smiles, then leans in to rub his cheek against Jensen's. “Ouch, is your beard made out of sandpaper?” he jokes.
“Regretting the falling in love with a guy already?” Jensen teases.
“Don't make me answer that.”
After a minute of silence, which Jared spends with rubbing soothing circles onto Jensen's back, Jensen retreats.
“Just... don't get me wrong here,” he says, nibbling on his bottom lip.
“No,” Jared shakes his head. “I won't, but please promise me you won't feel self-conscious around me, Jen. Please don't do that to me. First and foremost, you're still my best friend, and god knows I'd do anything not to ruin that. I won't chase you or harass you or anything. That's neither fair to you nor to Danni. But I needed to get this out of my system.”
“But I don't wanna raise false hopes or give you the idea of something that I can't follow through with,” Jensen answers honestly, and the words sting.
“Okay,” Jared nods slowly. “Of course.”
Jensen doesn't say anything about their conversation after that, not that night, not the next morning, and not on their flight home, and Jared doesn't push.
Somehow, Jared manages to contain the guilt until they're touching down at LAX.
Somehow, he even manages to not say anything to Jensen, who has been acting like nothing happened.
Somehow, he's not nervous when they're leaving for the baggage claim area.
The silence is too heavy, too awkward between them when they wait for the conveyer belt to start running. Jensen looks straight ahead, lost in thought, and Jared quickly does the same.
“Just so you know,” Jensen starts, all of a sudden, almost startling Jared. His eyes are still on the unmoving belt when Jared turns towards him, and he seems sullen. “I'm not pretending. I'm thinking.”
“Alright,” Jared answers slowly, takes a deep breath to continue, something along the line of 'no matter how much time you need, take all the time you want', but Jensen interrupts him.
His voice his sharp, his gaze stern when he looks over and locks eyes with Jared. “And that's all I'm gonna say for now.”
“Fair enough,” Jared nods.
Truth be told, it's more than he can expect for now.
It's Danneel who picks them up from the airport, and she kisses Jensen with a delighted smile and hugs Jared.
“Gen's home with the kids,” she grins, mistaking Jared's apparent discomfort for missing his family. “How was your trip?”
Jensen starts to talk, then, but at Danneel's well-meant sentence, it's like the roof comes down on Jared's head. Sickness hits his stomach like a perfectly aimed punch to the gut, and Jared expects his knees to give out under him for a second.
What happened in Europe is going to stay in Europe, and reality is a bitch.
Also, he's a grade A asshole.
“Jared?” Danneel looks up at him. “You alright?”
Jared rubs over his belly with his left hand and attempts a shaky smile. “Just some funk from landing. Guess the food made my stomach a little sensitive.”
Jensen stares down at his feet, “It'll be better when we're home.”
“Probably,” Jared says. No, it's gonna be worse.
Because he has to live with the choice he made, and he's back in limbo.
“Hey there,” Genevieve grins up at him when he enters their home, pulling his suitcase behind himself.
Wordlessly, Jared drops the handle and lets it come to a stand right where it is, just beside the entrance door. He wraps Genevieve up in his arms, lifts her easily from the floor for a second. Her soft black t-shirt smells like the laundry detergent powder that she has always used, and Jared takes in a deep breath.
She giggles and wraps her arms around his neck.
“How was Europe?” Genevieve asks, straightening her shirt and jeans when Jared sets her back down onto her feet.
“Great, actually,” he replies, his voice an absolute mess, rough and shot to hell.
She frowns up at him, “Did you...?”
And that's when Jensen and Danneel head through the door, Jensen almost tripping over Jared's suitcase.
“Later,” Jared mumbles towards Genevieve, then pushes his suitcase out of a spluttering and complaining Jensen's way. “Watch your feet, old man,” he teases, slapping Jensen's shoulder.
“Oh, fuck you,” Jensen shoots back amused, and Jared can't help but give him a wide grin in return.
Danneel laughs behind them, but Genevieve's smile looks pinched.
“Language, Jay,” Danneel scolds her husband, “Remember, you're around the kids again.”
“They're asleep upstairs,” Genevieve adds. “And they missed you terribly.”
Jensen's smile becomes a bit wistful. “We'll make it up to them. Did they behave while we were gone?”
“Barely,” Danneel chuckles, then starts telling a story about how Julia wouldn't go to sleep one night soon after they left because daddy wasn't here, and Sean tried to convince her that their daddies were on an eighty day trip around the world like in that book, and then Rose thought it was eighty years and bottom line, the three kids were up for hours after midnight because Genevieve had to read Jules Verne's book to them to convince them that a trip around the world in eighty days was totally doable.
Jared breaks out in laughter a few times during the story, taken by surprise at their kids' antics and Danneel's wonderful way of storytelling.
The entire time, he feels Genevieve's eyes on him more than he'd like. They're burning a hole into his head, as if she wants to read his mind, see what's going on up there.
Jared doesn't so much as dare to look at Jensen, because he feels like it might all blow up in his face right then.
“You told him, didn't you,” Genevieve asks flatly when Jensen and Danneel had left, Julia sleeping in Jensen's arms as he carried her to the car.
Jared nods and sits down on the couch beside her. “I did.”
She scolds him with a sharp look. “You know you're going behind Danneel's back and you're pressuring Jensen, right?”
“Well, what am I supposed to do then?” Jared bursts out, the tension from the flight and seeing Danneel with Jensen and everything exploding in his chest. “How am I supposed to handle this the right way?”
Genevieve shakes her head and rubs her eyes.
“What?”
“I don't know,” Genevieve sighs. “But you hurt my friend. You know, I didn't tell her that you left me for Jensen, because I thought it was yours and Jensen's responsibility to talk to her. But if you're gonna be an asshole, then I don't feel obligated to keep that secret.”
“Gen--”
“No, don't,” she interrupts him, pinching her nose now. “I suffered long enough. You think it's that easy to accept that your husband leaves you for someone else? For a guy, on top of that? And now you're putting Danni in the exact same situation and you expect me to be fine with it? I thought this trip would clear your head, make you realize that you're destroying a family with your selfishness.”
Jared swallows heavily. “I was just being honest.”
“I know you were, but was this the right way to do it?”
“Is there a right way to do it? Like, wait for Jensen to realize it? That's just gonna take more time and might hurt Danni even more.”
“If he even leaves her for you at all, that is,” she reminds him harshly.
“Yeah, that too,” Jared agrees, even though the stab to his heart is painful.
“What will you do if he doesn't?”
“Then I've gotta deal with it.”
She nods, at least seeming satisfied with that. “Can you deal with breaking up a marriage that's not yours?”
“That's Jensen's decision to make, isn't it?” Jared throws back. “That ball is in his court.”
“And you think all this pressure is somehow good for your friendship?” Genevieve asks with a sharp undertone. “Really?”
“Don't you think I'm aware of what I'm risking?” Jared splutters, his patience wearing thin. “Do you think that I haven't wracked my brain trying to figure this out? I'm not acting on impulse and whim here, for Christ's sake.”
“If you think you're in the right here, fine,” Genevieve says and gets to her feet. “I don't need to agree with that. And you can't do anything about me trying to warn Danni.”
“No, I can't, and I won't. Just be aware that you're meddling with things that Jensen and Danni should figure out for themselves,” Jared puts in, tired of arguing.
While Genevieve continues to stare at him thoughtfully, he leaves the living room with a mumbled, “I'm going to bed, goodnight.”
The next day, Misha and Vicki visit with Hayley and Valentin so at least Jared can spend some time with all the kids after three long weeks of being away.
The kids are a welcome distraction, because at this point, Jared has thought his situation over and over in his head, and he just doesn't want to any more. Instead, he sits down with all four of the kids and dutifully answers all the questions they have about Europe and where he's been and so much about Uncle Jensen.
The Uncle Jensen that Jared misses so much and doesn't know if it's okay to call him.
Misha joins him and helpfully supplies the story of how he crossed the Tibetan border in a vegetable truck once, and Hayley rolls her eyes because she's heard that one a hundred times before. Rose can't hear enough of it, though, and Valentin makes shushing noises at Sean every few seconds, glaring at him so he’ll stop interrupting Misha all the time.
As it turns out, Jared doesn't have to call Jensen.
Because Jensen stops by four days later, a box of donuts in his hands and Julia by his side, and even manages a smile when Jared opens the door.
“Hey Jare,” he says, and it's like the sun is rising in Jared's world again.
“Hey,” Jared greets him as neutrally as possible, then turns to the girl. “Hey Julia!”
She flings herself into his arms with a delighted, “Uncle Jared!” and Jared picks her up. She isn't too old for that yet, but when he throws her over his shoulder in a fireman carry, she protests loudly. “Let me down!” she laughs, then tries to tickle Jared.
Little does she know that he's been tickle-proof ever since Supernatural. Jensen just grins, a small and private grin just for Jared, because he knows.
“Come in,” Jared waves, then sets the still kicking and screaming Julia onto her feet in the hallway. She promptly takes off towards the back yard, where the other kids are already playing under Misha's watchful eye.
Jensen steps around Jared, looking a bit sheepish.
“Yo Jared, who is it?” Misha yells right then.
“Jensen and Julia!” Jared shouts back.
Jensen rolls his eyes, but some of the tension has seeped out of him. His shoulders aren't as tensely drawn upwards as they were when he spotted Jared behind the door. “You want some coffee with that?”
Jared shrugs, then puts into consideration, “I'd say I'll set up the machine immediately, but you make better coffee than I do.”
“Point taken,” Jensen sighs theatrically. “At least put these away, then,” he adds and hands over the Dunkin' Donuts box.
“Gladly,” Jared chirps in an overly happy manner and walks off, smirking to himself.
He can't help it. The past days have been filled with distractions, watching the kids and doing stuff together even if it was only playing soccer in the back yard, and he's still missed Jensen something crazy.
Jensen's huff pulls him out of his thoughts. “And by 'put them away' I did not mean 'eat them all before anyone gets any, sasquatch'. We clear?”
“Yep!”
The thing is, Jared is smiling to himself. Just because Jensen's here, and god, he's about two and a half decades too old to feel like this. Even as a pubescent teenager, he didn't feel like this, so utterly smitten and crushed by his own feelings whenever he so much as looks in the direction of Jensen.
He puts the donuts onto the living room table, and by the time he's in the kitchen, Jensen is two steps behind him, sans shoes and jacket. In other words, he’s in his socks and the damn old jeans he wore during most of their holiday and a stupid, way too well-fitting gray Henley and Jared has the sudden urge to lick his face with the stubble that's almost a hiatus beard by now.
Jared reaches for the tin of ground coffee on the shelf above the machine, but Jensen takes it unceremoniously from his hand. “I thought we agreed on me making the better coffee?” he quips.
“We did,” Jared shrugs. “Just wanted to help.”
“Then get the water,” Jensen holds the coffee pot towards him, and Jared takes it to the sink.
They prepare the machine in silence and with practiced motion, working seamlessly around each other. When it gurgles to life, Jensen eventually looks up at Jared, locking eyes with him.
“So... what now?”
Jared shrugs again and sighs. “You tell me.”
“Misha and Vicki know, right?” Jensen's lips are pursed and Jared wants to hug and kiss him and wants that frown to disappear from his forehead. It takes another reminder to his subconscious that it's not his place and that he needs to focus on the question.
“They know everything,” Jared confirms, looking at his toes as he runs them along the tiles of the kitchen floor absentmindedly. “I couldn't lie to them.”
“No, I...” Jensen sighs. “Don't get me wrong. I didn't expect you to lie about it.”
A voice from the door interrupts them, then. “Do you seriously think he would've been able to lie to us? Please, Ackles. Head out of your butt.”
“He's a good actor,” Jensen throws in with a shrug, right before Misha hugs him.
“And I know when he's telling bullshit,” he says over Jensen's shoulder with a grin.
“Language, old man.”
Despite everything that happened during the past few days, despite Jared feeling like shit and like he’s hit rock bottom, the three of them are standing there in the kitchen, listening to the whirring and boiling of the coffee maker, and smile at each other.
That's also when a small, small part of Jared's heart is convinced that there's going to be a day when all of this will have blown over and everything will be fine, no matter the outcome. He's a hopeless optimist like that.
But Jensen's smiling, too, and whenever that happened, Jared's world had always turned a whole lot brighter.
“So, any news on the Jensen front?” Misha asks, as straightforward as ever, a few days later.
Jensen is out in the back yard, playing soccer with the kids, and Jared volunteered to man the barbeque in the meantime. Beside him, Misha twirls his beer around in his hands.
“Nothing much, really,” Jared sighs. “I try to act normal and not push anything. That would be unfair to Danneel.”
“But he knows,” Misha asks, frowning in confusion, “and he hasn't regressed into his usual I'm-a-manly-straight-guy-who's-into-women-schtick yet?”
Thinking back to The Talk, Jared feels a smirk play around his lips. “Not really, no.”
“Huh. That's interesting.”
“What do you mean?” Jared shoots Misha a short look before flipping the steaks on the grill. He's staring at his beer.
“I think that he can't help but contemplate it,” Misha shrugs. “Simple as that. Wouldn't read too much into it if I were you, but that he's thinking and considering... yeah, he's not half as subtle as he thinks he is.”
Jared sighs. “Still, won't change the fact that he loves Danni, and I mean... I get it. He made his decision. I can't stop hoping, though, and I feel like the biggest asshole on earth for it.”
Misha takes a sip from his bottle, nods thoughtfully as he swallows. “You have to respect his decision, whether you like it or not.”
“I know,” Jared bites his lip, aware of how right Misha is.
With a shake of his head, Misha grimaces. “So what are you waiting for exactly? For him to change his mind?”
“Maybe. What other choice do I have? He's a married man and it's not my place to demand anything. Maybe all of this will stay unrequited forever, and then I'll have to deal with it. Then so be it. Nothing I can do about it. It's not like I can make him love me back,” Jared snaps towards the T-bone steaks on the grill, unable to look at Misha and his pitying, puppy-dog eyes that he's sure are directed at him right now.
Misha sighs deeply. “You know, he does love you. In his way. He has for a long time.”
“Yeah, just not in the way I'd wish,” Jared's eyes immediately look for Jensen - only to find him on his back on the lawn, laughing unabashedly with the kids piling on top of him. He can't help but grin to himself.
“You're totally gone for him, aren't you?” Misha asks thoughtfully, distracting Jared.
“You have no idea,” Jared sighs and holds out the tongs to Misha. “Here, would you watch these for a moment?”
“Sure.”
So Jared heads off towards the pile of Jensen and their kids, plucks them away one by one playfully to chase them in circles around Jensen. Eventually, he holds out his hand to help Jensen to his feet and slaps him lightly on the back.
Jensen steps away from him immediately after, seeming wary in his presence.
While Jared inevitably feels disappointed, he gets it. Their relationship isn't the same after his confession, of course it isn't, so their boundaries have shifted. Jensen doesn't touch and hug him just like that anymore; these things all have a different connotation now.
Still, he'll take what he can get for now. And if Jensen's friendship is all he'll ever get, then at least he tried this time around - even if it breaks his heart.
Genevieve is out with the kids one early Saturday afternoon about a month later. Jared uses the time to clean up the house to Pearl Jam blaring from the speakers in the living room when he's interrupted by the door bell.
“Coming!” he chirps as he hurries to hit pause on the stereo.
The melody of 'Yellow Ledbetter' is still in his head and Jared whistles it all the way to the front door.
It dies abruptly when he finds Jensen standing there, hands buried in the pockets of his jacket and his head hanging onto his chest.
“Hey, Jen,” Jared greets him, already feeling that something isn't right. They haven't seen each other for two weeks; Jensen only called once to tell him he was on a family trip with Danneel and Julia, which was weird since their families always took family trips together. Since then, Jared hasn't heard from him at all, but didn't want to push either.
“Hey,” Jensen says, his voice flat and emotionless, like he's forcing himself to seem calm, “You got a minute, Jay? Or are the kids...?”
“Gen and the kids are out. C'mon in.”
When Jensen steps through the door, Jared finally gets a good look at him. His eyes are red-rimmed and blood-shot, his skin pale and his lips look like he bit down on them too often.
“Jesus, Jen, what's up?” Jared blurts out with worry, grabbing Jensen's upper arms.
For the first time since he got here, Jensen fully looks at Jared, and Jared winces with sympathy when he sees the battle Jensen is fighting with himself. Jared only gets a second's warning of Jensen's lip trembling before he breaks out into tears.
Jared kicks the door shut with one foot before he unceremoniously wraps his arms around Jensen and holds him as tight as he dares.
“She knows,” Jensen manages to wring out between sobs against Jared's shoulder.
“Danni?” Jared asks, his fingers carding through the hair on the back of Jensen's head. He's due for another haircut, it’s getting too long.
Jensen just nods and buries his head in the crook of Jared's neck, and Jared feels hot tears trail down his collarbone. Tucked in the way he is makes it easy for Jared to rest his chin on top of Jensen's head, take a deep breath and smell Jensen's cologne, the shampoo he uses - he's back to the fancy Lush stuff they discovered in Europe, the shampoo that smells of seaweed and salt - and he feels Jensen shake in his arms.
After a few minutes of standing there with Jared carding his fingers gently through Jensen's hair and his other hand rubbing soothing circles over the small of his back, Jensen sniffles. The tears stopped, but he's still holding on tightly with both arms around Jared's waist.
“Come in and tell me what happened?” Jared asks softly.
Jensen nods against his shoulder, then pulls back to slip off his jacket and shoes.
“Coffee?” Jared offers.
“Yes, please,” Jensen croaks, his voice rough from crying.
Jared tries his hardest not to think while he makes two cappuccinos with Gen's new fully automated coffee machine and dumps two Stevia tablets in Jensen's cup.
When he gets to the living room with the two mugs in his hands, he sees Jensen sitting on the edge of the sofa, his face in his hands as if his life has just fallen down around him. Which it probably has.
The picture is oddly familiar. Jared probably looked like that, sitting on Misha's couch, all those months ago.
Jensen's hair is a mess from Jared's hands and his own, which are currently trying to smooth it down, and his eyes look even worse than when Jared met him at the door.
He accepts the mug with a lousy attempt at a smile and a whispered, “Thanks,” and doesn't even ask if Jared already sweetened it. He knows, because Jared always makes his coffee like that.
Jared sits down next to him, far enough to give Jensen some space, but their knees are touching. He waits for Jensen to drink down half his mug in silence, and gives him all the time he needs.
When Jensen does start to talk, it's not what Jared expected to hear.
He inhales deeply, sighs, and asks, “When and why did you finally decide to tell me?”
Jared can't help but smile to himself at the memory. “On that church tower in that little German town,” he says. “The day before I told you.”
“Why there?” Jensen frowns, confused.
“You know I never suffered from vertigo. But when we stood up there and the tower swayed and I looked down at the ground, I was suddenly sick. And you were right beside me, protecting me. I thought it was so obvious in that moment.”
“What was obvious?” Jensen chases, looking even more confused.
“My situation. It didn't matter how and why I ended up on top of that tower. It didn't matter if it was my fault or not, but I was up there and I had to deal with it, had to get down somehow. And I could always take the easy way out, walk down the stairs like nothing happened, but I could also - metaphorically - jump down the tower, and the ride would be exhilarating and great and I'd make a hard landing. It wouldn't be easy to work up the courage to do it, but it would be gratifying in the end.”
Jensen looks at him for a long time, obviously turning his words over in his head.
“So instead of taking the easy way out, you decided to jump. Metaphorically,” Jensen summarizes.
“Yes. And it's been worth it already, because I can live my life again. God knows it's been a hard landing, but I don't need to lie to myself or to a wife that I'd only feel guilty towards and a best friend that's none the wiser. I know it was selfish pulling you all down with me, but I also knew that as long as you were there, we would make it through this.”
Jensen nods and hums.
Jared lets him ponder in silence, watches Jensen's hands - thick fingers that run around the edge and handle of the cup, dexterous fingers that he's seen coax the most wonderful melodies out of a guitar before.
“You know,” Jensen eventually continues quietly, “I didn't tell Danni. She put two and two together.”
Jared raises an eyebrow. “Are you sure Gen didn't tell her either?”
“Pretty much, yeah,” Jensen clears his throat and looks thoughtfully at Jared. “She said she already felt that something happened to you after the accident. Said there was some kind of shift between you and me, something even I honestly didn't pick up on. And then came your divorce and our trip to Europe and I thought about what you said so much after we came back. I guess that was another clue.”
“So, what happened?”
“When we came back from Germany, I hadn't seen her for weeks and yet I couldn't... I couldn't sleep with her. It just... didn't work, physically. And yes, obviously these things happen, but it didn't just happen once or twice. She asked me if there was something wrong and I almost said 'So much, you have no idea', but instead I lied and she knows me too well to not notice. So that's where we started fighting,” Jensen sniffs and takes a sip from his coffee, then runs his hand over his face.
When he shifts to sit against the back rest, Jared turns towards him, one elbow propped up so he can properly watch Jensen. His expression is pained, his eyes glassy, and Jared quickly wraps his arm around his shoulders to squeeze him.
He doesn't retrieve his hand and instead starts stroking Jensen's shoulder.
After a few moments, Jensen continues quietly. “Danni said something, I don't know, something about the way you act towards me, like you're in love with me, and I just yelled back, 'Well he is'. Which prompted the whole conversation about how this happened and since when I knew and... she asked if I felt the same for you-”
Jensen takes a deep breath and Jared's heart promptly skips a beat, then starts to race in his chest. He doesn't dare hope and he doesn't dare breathe for fear of ruining this moment.
“- and all I could say was that I didn't know.”
When Jensen actually says it, Jared's feelings are a mess on a roller coaster ride. This could mean everything and nothing, but then again, Jared is not selfish enough to not see how this situation is about everything but that question.
“And how did she react?” Jared asks, trying to sound as neutral as possible.
“She asked if I loved her, and I said yes. She asked if I loved her more than you and I told her that it's totally different between the two of you, you know, like platonic and romantic love and that. Then she gave me a strange look and told me that was because the platonic love was the one I felt for her. Seems like she has already thought about that for a while, or at least felt it for a while.”
Jared shakes his head and tries to process all this information. “Have you been drifting apart or...?”
Jensen nods. “For a while now. I thought I could fix it, you know, this hiatus. She's always up in Vancouver and you know how that feels, I don't need to tell you. I feel like it was a matter of time until this happened.”
“Why? You made it work for years during Supernatural,” Jared throws in.
“Because we still had dedication back then. That's what Danni called it, and that's what’s missing now. Because I'm sitting here in L.A., living a good life, and seriously thinking that you're--” he breaks off abruptly, shaking his head to dismiss the thought.
Jared isn't fooled like that, though. “That I'm what?”
“Jay,” Jensen begs with pleading, big eyes.
“No, please, tell me,” Jared begs right back and accompanies it with an encouraging stroke to Jensen's shoulders. “You know you can tell me anything.”
“I know, but-” Jensen grimaces, takes his cup of coffee to drain it in one go, then inhales deeply. “I meant I'm here and thinking that you're a better partner to have a family and raise my kids with than my wife who's nine months out of twelve away somewhere in the world, working.”
Jared swallows heavily. “I know what you mean,” he sighs.
“Of course you do. And that's why things have developed between us the way they have. I know it's not fair and hypocritical to think like that, but I can't help it.”
Jared presses his eyes shut, doesn't dare to believe for a second that the words truly mean what they imply. Jensen can't mean that Jared's feelings are reciprocated. Jensen is currently upset and saying impulsive stuff, Jared reminds himself.
“So, how did you part? On what terms?” he asks instead.
“She said she wanted a divorce. Well, it was more of a mutual thing, but she said all the things I didn't dare say.”
Jared bites his tongue, because he's supposed to say 'Shit' and console his friend, but he wants to say 'Thank God' and kiss the man he loves. He also has a 'Sorry, please don't expect me to actually feel sorry about it' on the tip of his tongue, which would just be rude.
He doesn't say or do any of that.
“If you need a place to stay, you're welcome to stay here,” is what Jared goes with eventually.
“Yeah, I'd actually appreciate that.”
The point is, Jensen didn't even need to bring clothes. He has his closet in the guest room, with enough clothes and underwear to last him for three weeks.
“Goes without saying,” Jared shrugs with a comforting smile, then pulls Jensen into another tight hug.
They sit awkwardly curled into each other on the couch, Jared folded like a pretzel and his knee jabbing into Jensen's side and Jensen's hand squashed against the backrest. Still, Jared hasn't felt as good as he does now in months, and he can't help the elated, happy smile spreading on his lips.
Jensen will be officially single some time soon.
Jensen couldn't tell Danneel if he loved her more than Jared.
Jensen thinks that something developed between them.
Jensen might live with him now.
Jensen is here, warm and fitting perfectly into his arms and Jared doesn't want to let him go ever again.
The little voice in Jared's head that tells him that Jensen might find his own place, might not have meant the words he said the way Jared understood them, might not want to date for a while after the divorce - that voice gets quickly shoved way into the back of Jared's head.
When he pulls back from the hug, the weirdest thing happens.
Jensen's eyes are still glassy, but somehow different than before, and fixed on Jared's lips. Suddenly feeling self-conscious, Jared licks over his bottom lip, then realizes how sexually suggestive that move just was. He closes his eyes for just a moment to get his mind out of the gutter, but when he opens them, it seems like Jensen has leaned in closer to him. Jensen's lips are slightly parted and look plush and full and the sore spots from being bit taunt Jared to lean in and kiss them better.
Jensen doesn't pull back. His mouth is barely an inch away from Jared's, their noses are almost touching, and Jared wants nothing more in this world than to meet Jensen halfway and kiss him senseless. Especially when Jensen licks his lips, too, making them shiny and even more inviting.
However, Jensen has just been left by his wife. Jensen is vulnerable, and it would be one hell of a dick move to take advantage of him now. At the realization, Jared pulls back from the embrace as subtly as possible and pretends to not have noticed that Jensen was about to kiss him right there.
“Jare?” Jensen asks, confusion and something like disappointment in the simple call of his name.
“Yeah?” Jared responds, his voice shot to hell. Jesus, he needs to practice his self-control.
Jensen bites his lips again, looking like he's about to call Jared out on what he just did. It takes him a few agonizingly long seconds but in the end, he just sighs. “Can I have another coffee?”
“Of course,” Jared grabs his empty mug and Jensen's and flees from the room, afraid he might do something really regrettable and stupid if he stays one more minute in Jensen's presence.
Holy shit, Jensen just almost kissed him.
“Just make it a drip this time,” Jensen shouts after him.
<< Part 3 | Masterpost | Part 5 >>
Another two weeks later, they finally leave on their trip to Europe, and even though they feel kind of bad for leaving Danneel and Genevieve alone with the kids, they both had been looking forward to it ever since they decided to go and started planning.
Jensen smiles to himself as the plane takes off from LAX, the sky clear except for a few clouds. Everything around them is dipped in the warm, yellow-red light of the setting sun, and it makes Jensen's eyes shine and sparkle.
Jared nudges his side and smiles encouragingly. “What is it?”
“How long has it been since it's been just the two of us?” Jensen answers, lost in thought.
“Too long?” Jared offers with a secretive smile.
“Yeah,” Jensen sighs with a tiny, private smile in return.
“Thanks for doing this with me.”
“Dude, I need it as much as you do. I mean, I love the kids, all of them. But it's no use kidding ourselves, we need a break, and we need some perspective.”
When Jared looks over, he finds Jensen with his hands clasped in his lap, his bottom lip drawn between his teeth, staring into space.
If Jensen only knew how right he is.
After changing planes in London, they arrive in Berlin at around lunchtime, which is confusing enough. They managed to sleep on the plane, but even first class will allow only so much comfort.
Jared's shoulders are cramped up, and he doesn't hold back his complaints about that. Maybe, just maybe if he complained enough-
“'m not gonna give you a massage,” Jensen cuts off his thoughts as if he can read them. Despite the harsh words, a smile tugs at the corners of his lips.
“Not even if I return the favor?”
Jensen shoots him a skeptical look and stays quiet for a moment. Then he says, “Let me think about that.”
Jared can't help it, he grins as wide as he can, feeling like the weight he brought here from back home is finally lifted off of his shoulders. When they walk towards the baggage claim area, he even dares to put his hand on the small of Jensen's back. Jensen accepts it with a small smile that makes Jared feel all fuzzy inside.
They take the subway into the city and to their hotel that's right around the corner from the Kurfürstendamm, Berlin's famous shopping mile.
They’ve only planned four days for Berlin, then they can pick up their rental car and Jensen can enjoy driving down one of the unrestricted German highways at a hundred miles an hour.
Jared's favorite part of being in Berlin is not only that the city is so different from L.A., but that there's barely any risk of being recognized on the street. They look like the average American tourists, and from what he heard, Supernatural was never that huge in Germany. Known, but not famous. Nowadays, he is glad of that.
They tick off all the important places to see in Berlin - the Bundestag, the historical building where the parliament works; the KaDeWe, a famous big store in the city center that's tiny compared to their mall at home; Checkpoint Charlie and the Alexanderplatz with the world clock. On their last day, they visit the East Side Gallery, the last remains of the Berlin Wall, and Jared ends up standing between the Wall and the river - the Spree - on a strip of sand.
“I can't believe this was once the death strip, with antipersonnel mines and spring guns and everything,” Jensen says solemnly as he looks down the river where it winds its way through the city. “Hard to believe that this was what separated families for decades.”
Jared nods, lost in thought.
“And yet, there were people who dared to jump into that river and try to swim to the other side,” Jensen continues repeating what he's read at the White Crosses memorial across the street from the Bundestag building and sighs.
Jared shrugs. “I'd probably do that, too, if it were what separated me from my family and loved ones. Or you.”
“Yeah, you would,” Jensen chuckles and raises an eyebrow. “Many of them were shot in the process, though.”
“Totally worth it,” Jared smiles at him.
Jensen wordlessly pulls him out of his depressing thoughts by his elbow, leads him back through the gap in the Wall and down the street.
When they reach the famous painting of two men kissing each other, Jensen's eyes first widen in surprise, then shift back to the guidebook in his hands.
“Says here that this painting is depicting the Brotherhood Kiss, a special form of greeting between statesmen of the Eastern Bloc. These men are Leonid Breschnew and Erich Honecker,” he quotes.
Jared nods and stares.
Because Jensen looks downright adorable in his tourist get-up, with his rucksack on his back, wearing comfortable old running shoes, light blue jeans and a plain black t-shirt. A frown knits his brows underneath the worn baseball cap. As someone who's familiar with the whole Ackles baseball cap collection, Jared knows it's one of his favorites that he's had on for a lot of trips to the coffee shop back in the day. He also knows that Jensen's hair will look all messed-up and be sticking out in all directions when he takes the cap off, and the thought makes him smile.
“... and Erich Honecker was the leader of the socialist party and therefore the most powerful politician in the German Democratic Republic for almost twenty years,” Jensen finishes up what he's reading from the guidebook.
Jared can't stop staring at his lips, forming the words, his tongue sneaking out to wet his plush bottom lip when he turns the page. It's mesmerizing, the way he concentrates, and the frown just won't leave, either.
“The paintings on the Wall have been restored in 2009, since a lot of them were blemished with scribbling and graffiti and damaged by the weather,” Jensen adds, then looks up, the frown turning confused. “Jared?”
The way his lips dance around the shape of his name is making Jared's head spin.
“Hey, man, what's up?” Jensen asks and grabs his shoulder.
Jared notices it only vaguely, because Jensen is standing too close, and Jared can smell his aftershave and the kebab he's had for lunch, which is way less disgusting than he thought when he noticed all the garlic in the sauce, and something inherently Jensen, and--
“Jen,” he manages, a breathy plea that's not supposed to be a whisper and not supposed to sound so damn sexual, and yet it is.
Jensen feels the shift in Jared's behavior, too, and looks him straight in the eye. “Jared. Snap out of it.”
The point is, Jared knows that Jensen is right, and he closes his eyes. Tries to block out the smell of Jensen surrounding him, tries to block out his heart hammering in his chest, tries to block out every cell in his body screaming for bodily contact with Jensen. The hardest part, by far, is convincing himself that leaning down and kissing Jensen would be the absolute worst thing to do right now, no matter how much he yearns to. Jensen's hand on his shoulder is making his skin tingle, all the way down his spine, and he has to take a deep breath to shake it off.
When Jared opens his eyes again, Jensen's eyes are as green and as unreadable as always. “What was that? Are you sure everything's alright?”
“Yeah,” Jared answers and attempts a reassuring smile. From the way Jensen is pursing his lips, he concludes that it isn't very convincing, which isn't that much of a surprise, since everything inside him wants to yell No.
No, because I'm in love with you, and there's nothing I can do about it.
Jensen looks skeptical, but slides his hand down to Jared's elbow. “Then c'mon, we've still got to visit the zoo,” he says and guides him down the street.
Jared only notices the remaining pictures from the corner of his eye. His focus is on Jensen, his feelings revolting inside his chest, and he feels both happy and sick to his stomach.
The happiness is so overwhelming that it makes him sick, he realizes.
There's still that other twist in his stomach, though, the one that says 'You're in love with your best friend, who's straight and married to a woman.'
But for once, ever since the accident, Jared sees it clear in front of him whenever he meets Jensen's eyes, whenever he smiles and the skin around those eyes crinkles and the laugh lines cut deep into his cheeks.
He can't live like this, he can't settle for being Jensen's friend without trying anything more. Not again. He's never been able to keep a secret for long, especially not from Jensen. And he needs to be honest, to himself, to Jensen, and to Danneel.
And even if it ends up breaking his friendship with Jensen, with Jensen telling him to fuck off, Jared can't live that lie. He'll salvage what he can, of course. If it's meant to be, then it'll work out, and if it isn't, it won't, and Jared can live with that.
They drive up to the German Sea and spend the night in a small hotel at the beach before heading over to Hamburg to see a musical there. From there on, it's a road trip to Frankfurt, Hannover and Stuttgart, a weekend spent at a wellness place in the Black Forest and a detour over to France to visit Strasbourg.
It's the third week of their trip, they've been past Vienna and Munich and the obligatory visit to the Hofbräuhaus, one of Munich's oldest beer halls, had their mug of beer and their pork roast with bread dumplings and sauerkraut each, and Jared still hasn't told Jensen.
Because he's a coward, and because he doesn't want to ruin their trip that was supposed to help them both relax.
They spend the last two days before their flight in a small town in Lower Bavaria, barely an hour away from Munich, in a lovely little hotel surrounded by rows of colorful 18th century buildings and with a stunning Gothic church looming over them. It's a picture they'd never see in the US, and the atmosphere captures them immediately.
The local church is the tallest brick building and church in the world, and they take the time to walk up the stairs all the way to the top of the church tower. At 430 feet above ground, the tower seems to sway a little, which their guide explains to their group of ten people is normal. Still, Jared can't bear to look down at the ground. It makes him dizzy, and when he shakes his head to get rid of the uneasiness, he feels Jensen's hand wrap around his waist. Jensen pulls him gently away from the railing, even though they don't have much space to move on the narrow tower top anyway, and doesn't let go of him.
His skin is tingling where Jensen touches him, gentle and comforting, and Jared's heart jumps in his chest. He looks over his shoulder to find Jensen's emerald green eyes. A frown is knitting his brows, and he's clearly worried, so Jared tries to give him a reassuring smile that turns out a bit shaky.
Jensen still doesn't let go, and when Jared risks another glance down at the ground, the height doesn't seem so intimidating any more. Not as long as Jensen is there, beside him, holding on to him.
And in that moment, Jared realizes he could do anything as long as he has Jensen at his side.
“What's that castle over there?” an older man with a thick French accent asks, interrupting Jared's thoughts. He follows the finger of the man's outstretched hand to the structure built on the hill next to the city.
“That's the Trausnitz castle,” their guide, a brunette student in his early twenties, says. “Did you know that when they built this church, they wanted to build the tower so high so they could, and I quote, 'look into the duke's soup bowl'? That's why right now, we're at the same height as the castle is.”
Jensen chuckles to himself, and Jared lets the warm rumble calm his nerves. Jensen's hand is still clasped firmly around his waist, and he couldn't give less of a fuck about what their tour guide might think.
“You should go up there, if you've got the time. There's a bus stop, or you can just walk up the... it's called Ochsenklavier, which translates to ox piano in English. Sounds stupid, but you'll get why it got that name if you see it. Back in the middle ages, they used that path to drive down the cattle from the castle. It's a steep climb, but it's worth it.”
“Hey, maybe we should to that tomorrow,” Jensen says quietly to Jared, and Jared is glad for the distraction.
“Yeah, that'd be great,” Jared answers, staring straight ahead at the castle.
“No offense, but you look a little sick,” the guide addresses Jared with a sympathetic smile. “Should we go back down?”
“Yes, please,” Jared manages to breath out hastily, and the tour guide leads the way back into the staircase. All the way down, Jensen's hand doesn't stray from Jared's shoulder or the small of his back, keeping constant contact, and it's driving Jared insane, even more than the height of the tower did.
When they're back on solid ground - or what feels like solid ground to Jared's feet - he throws his arm around Jensen's shoulders and squeezes him quickly.
“Thank you,” Jared whispers into Jensen's ear with emphasis.
If he isn't mistaken, Jensen shakes a little under his touch, and there's a tremble to his lips when he smiles at Jared and says, “Of course,” and it doesn't make sense, but Jared gets it. He's been fluent in Jensen for decades.
In that moment, Jared decides to tell Jensen about his feelings for about the hundredth time since Berlin. He's gonna tell him. Not now, but as soon as they're alone. Maybe when they're up at the castle? It would be kind of romantic, no matter how Jensen will react.
Maybe he'll do it tomorrow. At the castle.
Definitely before they fly back to the US.
Seriously, there should be some kind of instructions that don't come straight out of a rom-com movie, some kind of handbook about how to break it to your best friend that you're in love with him, without completely ruining everything or sounding insane.
All day, Jared has been a mess.
They've been walking around the city, down the river, the Isar, into a beautiful nearby recreational area, and all the while Jared pondered over which words to use.
The city hosts an annual renaissance festival up at the castle, which will start in two days, but they won't be around for that. They head up to look at the castle nonetheless, take the tour and have a medieval meal at the restaurant located in one of the old halls. After that, most of the workers preparing the festival have already left the castle grounds. There are old tents along gravel paths that will sell all kinds of middle ages weaponry and food.
Not even the other tourists are there any more, the grounds are almost too quiet, and Jared silently leads the way to a bench in front of the nearby castle wall. The city is spread out beneath them and they can see the river and the recreational area from here; there's a little mall in the distance and more prominently, the church that they visited yesterday towering over the beautiful old town that's glimmering with the deep red light of the sunset.
It's almost painfully romantic, but Jared doesn't say that. Instead, he inhales deeply and says, “I'm glad we came here, even though we didn't have this town on our list.”
“Yeah, it's absolutely stunning,” Jensen agrees, and the smile on his lips is a little hooded. It makes Jared wonder if he already knows that something's up. “I can't believe that our road trip is already over. It's been three amazing weeks.”
“Again, thank you so much for doing this with me.” Jared squeezes Jensen's shoulder, giving him a heartfelt smile.
Jensen's “Again, you're welcome,” is almost drowned out by the buzzing in Jared's ears, by the thumping of his heart in his chest.
The point is, there's no easy way and no right way to do this, so Jared might as well just spit it out.
He drops down heavily on the bench and focuses on the horizon for a moment. Then he takes another deep breath and says, “There's something I need to talk to you about.”
“I figured,” Jensen answers tightly and sits down beside him, his arms open and his head tilted towards Jared. “Go ahead.”
“It's still about the accident and my near-death experience. There's a very crucial point that you deserve to know.”
Jensen just nods when Jared looks up at him, strong and reassuring and looking like the news Jared is about to tell him won't be able to turn his world upside down. Jared, however, is sweating, even more than usual, and rubs his moist hands against his thighs, the motion mostly nervous energy.
“You know that you died in the other world,” Jared continues, waits for Jensen's nod to come. “Well, the day before that, we realized that we'd been in love with each other for a while. Years, actually. And basically, we were together for a day, and that's why we went to sleep together in one bed, and I found you lying dead beside me the morning after.”
Jensen's mouth opens and closes a few times, and Jared can read on his face that he wants to make a quip or something to ease the tension between them, but can’t find any words to say.
“Shit,” is what he eventually manages when he rubs his hand over his mouth.
“Yeah,” Jared agrees, staring down at his hands in his lap to avoid Jensen's worried look. “And that's what had me so completely torn and screwed over ever since.”
Jensen is quiet for a short while, and eventually clears his throat. “Why? Because you lost me specifically and that fucked with your head, or because... you know, the feelings--”
“Both,” Jared replies quick as a shot, and it's clearly not what Jensen wanted to hear judging by his grimace. “I’ve thought about it a lot during the past months. I mean, I lived what I would've deemed an ideal life in the other world. I had Gen and the kids, and even though we weren't together until the end, everyone was happy. And I was living with you, and then we realized we'd wasted so much time and... after your death, I was sure that if I had the chance again, I'd do it differently. It wasn't my perfect life anymore.”
Jensen looks at him, pleading silently for something Jared doesn't want to name. He needs to get this out, though, and he needs to get it out now.
“I feel like I've been given a second chance, and I want to do it differently this time.”
“So, what you're saying is...” Jensen trails off, rubbing his hand over his eyes, something he tends to do when he's stressed. Back on set, Jeannie had reprimanded him regularly for that, because she always had to fix his make-up.
“I have feelings for you, Jen,” Jared admits quietly. “And I can't hide them anymore. They've been there for a long time, and I thought I could ignore them until they went away. I thought it would be better to not say anything. But now that I've seen what happened in the other world, I can't live that life again.”
“Jared,” Jensen groans, and there's definitely frustration and pent-up anger behind the words. “Are you aware of what you're doing right now?”
Jared chuckles bitterly and humorlessly. “Risking our friendship and maybe ruining another marriage?”
Jensen buries his hands in his face, and Jared feels horrible.
“I'm sorry for doing this to you,” he adds.
Jensen doesn't answer, just sits there with his elbows on his knees, his chest rising and falling a bit too quickly.
Patiently, Jared stares out into the world, breathes in the smell of summer and the warm sun on bakestone. His heart is still racing, but it doesn't feel like the world is resting on his shoulders anymore. Their situation has worsened to say the least, but Jared’s breaths are calmer, somehow.
“I love Danneel,” Jensen says pointedly after a long minute of pregnant silence.
“And I will always love Gen,” Jared answers. “From the bottom of my heart, as a friend. What I'm feeling for you is so much more than that.”
“So I'm the one you're in love with,” Jensen says as if he had just heard the words for the first time, his eyes wide open and fixed on Jared.
“Yes sir,” Jared confirms with a playful nod and a smile. “And I'm tired of hiding it.”
“Holy shit,” Jensen whispers, and Jared can tell it wasn't supposed to be a whisper.
“Impressed?”
“Yeah, well, that's... kind of huge. Changes a lot of things. You left Gen on the off chance that I might reciprocate your feelings?”
Jared sighs quietly. “I did, even though I know this is pretty hopeless anyway.”
For a long moment, Jensen just stares at Jared thoughtfully. “For what it's worth, I do understand why you don't want to hide.”
“How would I even be able to? Everyone knows what happened,” Jared defends himself because he suddenly feels like he needs to. “I told them, Misha and Vicki. Gen knows, too.”
“Gen knows?” Jensen asks in surprise. “Really?”
“She figured it out.”
Jensen nods, then replies, “Still, Danni doesn't know.”
Jared frowns. “Don't you think Gen’s told her by now?”
“I don't know, honestly,” Jensen sighs, slumping in on himself a bit more. “It's just... fuck, I should've seen this coming, but I didn't want to believe it.”
“Believe what?”
“That it's me.”
“You already guessed it?” Jared asks in surprise.
Jensen rubs his eyes, looking exhausted. “Well, yeah, I'm not stupid. There aren't much more people around that I could imagine you... Jesus, Jared. You don't expect me to divorce Danneel, do you?”
“No, I don't, of course,” Jared replies with a heavy sigh. “I know this is complicated. It took me over a year to wrap my mind around it. Being in love with someone who's married is hard and it always sucks for everyone involved. Again, I'm sorry. I don't want to pressure you into anything. I'm aware it's not my place.”
Jensen just hums noncommittally. He looks absolutely miserable and Jared's heart aches for him, so he adds on a whim, “Can I hug you?”
Wordlessly, Jensen shifts towards him, allowing Jared to pull him into a tight embrace. Jared knows he's indulging him, but needs the contact as much as Jared needs it right now, too.
Jensen tucks his head into Jared's neck, just like he always has when they hug, although they're obviously both aware of the connotation the gesture bears.
“It's not like I'd take advantage. Just, maybe a little,” Jared clarifies and smiles, then leans in to rub his cheek against Jensen's. “Ouch, is your beard made out of sandpaper?” he jokes.
“Regretting the falling in love with a guy already?” Jensen teases.
“Don't make me answer that.”
After a minute of silence, which Jared spends with rubbing soothing circles onto Jensen's back, Jensen retreats.
“Just... don't get me wrong here,” he says, nibbling on his bottom lip.
“No,” Jared shakes his head. “I won't, but please promise me you won't feel self-conscious around me, Jen. Please don't do that to me. First and foremost, you're still my best friend, and god knows I'd do anything not to ruin that. I won't chase you or harass you or anything. That's neither fair to you nor to Danni. But I needed to get this out of my system.”
“But I don't wanna raise false hopes or give you the idea of something that I can't follow through with,” Jensen answers honestly, and the words sting.
“Okay,” Jared nods slowly. “Of course.”
Jensen doesn't say anything about their conversation after that, not that night, not the next morning, and not on their flight home, and Jared doesn't push.
Somehow, Jared manages to contain the guilt until they're touching down at LAX.
Somehow, he even manages to not say anything to Jensen, who has been acting like nothing happened.
Somehow, he's not nervous when they're leaving for the baggage claim area.
The silence is too heavy, too awkward between them when they wait for the conveyer belt to start running. Jensen looks straight ahead, lost in thought, and Jared quickly does the same.
“Just so you know,” Jensen starts, all of a sudden, almost startling Jared. His eyes are still on the unmoving belt when Jared turns towards him, and he seems sullen. “I'm not pretending. I'm thinking.”
“Alright,” Jared answers slowly, takes a deep breath to continue, something along the line of 'no matter how much time you need, take all the time you want', but Jensen interrupts him.
His voice his sharp, his gaze stern when he looks over and locks eyes with Jared. “And that's all I'm gonna say for now.”
“Fair enough,” Jared nods.
Truth be told, it's more than he can expect for now.
It's Danneel who picks them up from the airport, and she kisses Jensen with a delighted smile and hugs Jared.
“Gen's home with the kids,” she grins, mistaking Jared's apparent discomfort for missing his family. “How was your trip?”
Jensen starts to talk, then, but at Danneel's well-meant sentence, it's like the roof comes down on Jared's head. Sickness hits his stomach like a perfectly aimed punch to the gut, and Jared expects his knees to give out under him for a second.
What happened in Europe is going to stay in Europe, and reality is a bitch.
Also, he's a grade A asshole.
“Jared?” Danneel looks up at him. “You alright?”
Jared rubs over his belly with his left hand and attempts a shaky smile. “Just some funk from landing. Guess the food made my stomach a little sensitive.”
Jensen stares down at his feet, “It'll be better when we're home.”
“Probably,” Jared says. No, it's gonna be worse.
Because he has to live with the choice he made, and he's back in limbo.
“Hey there,” Genevieve grins up at him when he enters their home, pulling his suitcase behind himself.
Wordlessly, Jared drops the handle and lets it come to a stand right where it is, just beside the entrance door. He wraps Genevieve up in his arms, lifts her easily from the floor for a second. Her soft black t-shirt smells like the laundry detergent powder that she has always used, and Jared takes in a deep breath.
She giggles and wraps her arms around his neck.
“How was Europe?” Genevieve asks, straightening her shirt and jeans when Jared sets her back down onto her feet.
“Great, actually,” he replies, his voice an absolute mess, rough and shot to hell.
She frowns up at him, “Did you...?”
And that's when Jensen and Danneel head through the door, Jensen almost tripping over Jared's suitcase.
“Later,” Jared mumbles towards Genevieve, then pushes his suitcase out of a spluttering and complaining Jensen's way. “Watch your feet, old man,” he teases, slapping Jensen's shoulder.
“Oh, fuck you,” Jensen shoots back amused, and Jared can't help but give him a wide grin in return.
Danneel laughs behind them, but Genevieve's smile looks pinched.
“Language, Jay,” Danneel scolds her husband, “Remember, you're around the kids again.”
“They're asleep upstairs,” Genevieve adds. “And they missed you terribly.”
Jensen's smile becomes a bit wistful. “We'll make it up to them. Did they behave while we were gone?”
“Barely,” Danneel chuckles, then starts telling a story about how Julia wouldn't go to sleep one night soon after they left because daddy wasn't here, and Sean tried to convince her that their daddies were on an eighty day trip around the world like in that book, and then Rose thought it was eighty years and bottom line, the three kids were up for hours after midnight because Genevieve had to read Jules Verne's book to them to convince them that a trip around the world in eighty days was totally doable.
Jared breaks out in laughter a few times during the story, taken by surprise at their kids' antics and Danneel's wonderful way of storytelling.
The entire time, he feels Genevieve's eyes on him more than he'd like. They're burning a hole into his head, as if she wants to read his mind, see what's going on up there.
Jared doesn't so much as dare to look at Jensen, because he feels like it might all blow up in his face right then.
“You told him, didn't you,” Genevieve asks flatly when Jensen and Danneel had left, Julia sleeping in Jensen's arms as he carried her to the car.
Jared nods and sits down on the couch beside her. “I did.”
She scolds him with a sharp look. “You know you're going behind Danneel's back and you're pressuring Jensen, right?”
“Well, what am I supposed to do then?” Jared bursts out, the tension from the flight and seeing Danneel with Jensen and everything exploding in his chest. “How am I supposed to handle this the right way?”
Genevieve shakes her head and rubs her eyes.
“What?”
“I don't know,” Genevieve sighs. “But you hurt my friend. You know, I didn't tell her that you left me for Jensen, because I thought it was yours and Jensen's responsibility to talk to her. But if you're gonna be an asshole, then I don't feel obligated to keep that secret.”
“Gen--”
“No, don't,” she interrupts him, pinching her nose now. “I suffered long enough. You think it's that easy to accept that your husband leaves you for someone else? For a guy, on top of that? And now you're putting Danni in the exact same situation and you expect me to be fine with it? I thought this trip would clear your head, make you realize that you're destroying a family with your selfishness.”
Jared swallows heavily. “I was just being honest.”
“I know you were, but was this the right way to do it?”
“Is there a right way to do it? Like, wait for Jensen to realize it? That's just gonna take more time and might hurt Danni even more.”
“If he even leaves her for you at all, that is,” she reminds him harshly.
“Yeah, that too,” Jared agrees, even though the stab to his heart is painful.
“What will you do if he doesn't?”
“Then I've gotta deal with it.”
She nods, at least seeming satisfied with that. “Can you deal with breaking up a marriage that's not yours?”
“That's Jensen's decision to make, isn't it?” Jared throws back. “That ball is in his court.”
“And you think all this pressure is somehow good for your friendship?” Genevieve asks with a sharp undertone. “Really?”
“Don't you think I'm aware of what I'm risking?” Jared splutters, his patience wearing thin. “Do you think that I haven't wracked my brain trying to figure this out? I'm not acting on impulse and whim here, for Christ's sake.”
“If you think you're in the right here, fine,” Genevieve says and gets to her feet. “I don't need to agree with that. And you can't do anything about me trying to warn Danni.”
“No, I can't, and I won't. Just be aware that you're meddling with things that Jensen and Danni should figure out for themselves,” Jared puts in, tired of arguing.
While Genevieve continues to stare at him thoughtfully, he leaves the living room with a mumbled, “I'm going to bed, goodnight.”
The next day, Misha and Vicki visit with Hayley and Valentin so at least Jared can spend some time with all the kids after three long weeks of being away.
The kids are a welcome distraction, because at this point, Jared has thought his situation over and over in his head, and he just doesn't want to any more. Instead, he sits down with all four of the kids and dutifully answers all the questions they have about Europe and where he's been and so much about Uncle Jensen.
The Uncle Jensen that Jared misses so much and doesn't know if it's okay to call him.
Misha joins him and helpfully supplies the story of how he crossed the Tibetan border in a vegetable truck once, and Hayley rolls her eyes because she's heard that one a hundred times before. Rose can't hear enough of it, though, and Valentin makes shushing noises at Sean every few seconds, glaring at him so he’ll stop interrupting Misha all the time.
As it turns out, Jared doesn't have to call Jensen.
Because Jensen stops by four days later, a box of donuts in his hands and Julia by his side, and even manages a smile when Jared opens the door.
“Hey Jare,” he says, and it's like the sun is rising in Jared's world again.
“Hey,” Jared greets him as neutrally as possible, then turns to the girl. “Hey Julia!”
She flings herself into his arms with a delighted, “Uncle Jared!” and Jared picks her up. She isn't too old for that yet, but when he throws her over his shoulder in a fireman carry, she protests loudly. “Let me down!” she laughs, then tries to tickle Jared.
Little does she know that he's been tickle-proof ever since Supernatural. Jensen just grins, a small and private grin just for Jared, because he knows.
“Come in,” Jared waves, then sets the still kicking and screaming Julia onto her feet in the hallway. She promptly takes off towards the back yard, where the other kids are already playing under Misha's watchful eye.
Jensen steps around Jared, looking a bit sheepish.
“Yo Jared, who is it?” Misha yells right then.
“Jensen and Julia!” Jared shouts back.
Jensen rolls his eyes, but some of the tension has seeped out of him. His shoulders aren't as tensely drawn upwards as they were when he spotted Jared behind the door. “You want some coffee with that?”
Jared shrugs, then puts into consideration, “I'd say I'll set up the machine immediately, but you make better coffee than I do.”
“Point taken,” Jensen sighs theatrically. “At least put these away, then,” he adds and hands over the Dunkin' Donuts box.
“Gladly,” Jared chirps in an overly happy manner and walks off, smirking to himself.
He can't help it. The past days have been filled with distractions, watching the kids and doing stuff together even if it was only playing soccer in the back yard, and he's still missed Jensen something crazy.
Jensen's huff pulls him out of his thoughts. “And by 'put them away' I did not mean 'eat them all before anyone gets any, sasquatch'. We clear?”
“Yep!”
The thing is, Jared is smiling to himself. Just because Jensen's here, and god, he's about two and a half decades too old to feel like this. Even as a pubescent teenager, he didn't feel like this, so utterly smitten and crushed by his own feelings whenever he so much as looks in the direction of Jensen.
He puts the donuts onto the living room table, and by the time he's in the kitchen, Jensen is two steps behind him, sans shoes and jacket. In other words, he’s in his socks and the damn old jeans he wore during most of their holiday and a stupid, way too well-fitting gray Henley and Jared has the sudden urge to lick his face with the stubble that's almost a hiatus beard by now.
Jared reaches for the tin of ground coffee on the shelf above the machine, but Jensen takes it unceremoniously from his hand. “I thought we agreed on me making the better coffee?” he quips.
“We did,” Jared shrugs. “Just wanted to help.”
“Then get the water,” Jensen holds the coffee pot towards him, and Jared takes it to the sink.
They prepare the machine in silence and with practiced motion, working seamlessly around each other. When it gurgles to life, Jensen eventually looks up at Jared, locking eyes with him.
“So... what now?”
Jared shrugs again and sighs. “You tell me.”
“Misha and Vicki know, right?” Jensen's lips are pursed and Jared wants to hug and kiss him and wants that frown to disappear from his forehead. It takes another reminder to his subconscious that it's not his place and that he needs to focus on the question.
“They know everything,” Jared confirms, looking at his toes as he runs them along the tiles of the kitchen floor absentmindedly. “I couldn't lie to them.”
“No, I...” Jensen sighs. “Don't get me wrong. I didn't expect you to lie about it.”
A voice from the door interrupts them, then. “Do you seriously think he would've been able to lie to us? Please, Ackles. Head out of your butt.”
“He's a good actor,” Jensen throws in with a shrug, right before Misha hugs him.
“And I know when he's telling bullshit,” he says over Jensen's shoulder with a grin.
“Language, old man.”
Despite everything that happened during the past few days, despite Jared feeling like shit and like he’s hit rock bottom, the three of them are standing there in the kitchen, listening to the whirring and boiling of the coffee maker, and smile at each other.
That's also when a small, small part of Jared's heart is convinced that there's going to be a day when all of this will have blown over and everything will be fine, no matter the outcome. He's a hopeless optimist like that.
But Jensen's smiling, too, and whenever that happened, Jared's world had always turned a whole lot brighter.
“So, any news on the Jensen front?” Misha asks, as straightforward as ever, a few days later.
Jensen is out in the back yard, playing soccer with the kids, and Jared volunteered to man the barbeque in the meantime. Beside him, Misha twirls his beer around in his hands.
“Nothing much, really,” Jared sighs. “I try to act normal and not push anything. That would be unfair to Danneel.”
“But he knows,” Misha asks, frowning in confusion, “and he hasn't regressed into his usual I'm-a-manly-straight-guy-who's-into-women-schtick yet?”
Thinking back to The Talk, Jared feels a smirk play around his lips. “Not really, no.”
“Huh. That's interesting.”
“What do you mean?” Jared shoots Misha a short look before flipping the steaks on the grill. He's staring at his beer.
“I think that he can't help but contemplate it,” Misha shrugs. “Simple as that. Wouldn't read too much into it if I were you, but that he's thinking and considering... yeah, he's not half as subtle as he thinks he is.”
Jared sighs. “Still, won't change the fact that he loves Danni, and I mean... I get it. He made his decision. I can't stop hoping, though, and I feel like the biggest asshole on earth for it.”
Misha takes a sip from his bottle, nods thoughtfully as he swallows. “You have to respect his decision, whether you like it or not.”
“I know,” Jared bites his lip, aware of how right Misha is.
With a shake of his head, Misha grimaces. “So what are you waiting for exactly? For him to change his mind?”
“Maybe. What other choice do I have? He's a married man and it's not my place to demand anything. Maybe all of this will stay unrequited forever, and then I'll have to deal with it. Then so be it. Nothing I can do about it. It's not like I can make him love me back,” Jared snaps towards the T-bone steaks on the grill, unable to look at Misha and his pitying, puppy-dog eyes that he's sure are directed at him right now.
Misha sighs deeply. “You know, he does love you. In his way. He has for a long time.”
“Yeah, just not in the way I'd wish,” Jared's eyes immediately look for Jensen - only to find him on his back on the lawn, laughing unabashedly with the kids piling on top of him. He can't help but grin to himself.
“You're totally gone for him, aren't you?” Misha asks thoughtfully, distracting Jared.
“You have no idea,” Jared sighs and holds out the tongs to Misha. “Here, would you watch these for a moment?”
“Sure.”
So Jared heads off towards the pile of Jensen and their kids, plucks them away one by one playfully to chase them in circles around Jensen. Eventually, he holds out his hand to help Jensen to his feet and slaps him lightly on the back.
Jensen steps away from him immediately after, seeming wary in his presence.
While Jared inevitably feels disappointed, he gets it. Their relationship isn't the same after his confession, of course it isn't, so their boundaries have shifted. Jensen doesn't touch and hug him just like that anymore; these things all have a different connotation now.
Still, he'll take what he can get for now. And if Jensen's friendship is all he'll ever get, then at least he tried this time around - even if it breaks his heart.
Genevieve is out with the kids one early Saturday afternoon about a month later. Jared uses the time to clean up the house to Pearl Jam blaring from the speakers in the living room when he's interrupted by the door bell.
“Coming!” he chirps as he hurries to hit pause on the stereo.
The melody of 'Yellow Ledbetter' is still in his head and Jared whistles it all the way to the front door.
It dies abruptly when he finds Jensen standing there, hands buried in the pockets of his jacket and his head hanging onto his chest.
“Hey, Jen,” Jared greets him, already feeling that something isn't right. They haven't seen each other for two weeks; Jensen only called once to tell him he was on a family trip with Danneel and Julia, which was weird since their families always took family trips together. Since then, Jared hasn't heard from him at all, but didn't want to push either.
“Hey,” Jensen says, his voice flat and emotionless, like he's forcing himself to seem calm, “You got a minute, Jay? Or are the kids...?”
“Gen and the kids are out. C'mon in.”
When Jensen steps through the door, Jared finally gets a good look at him. His eyes are red-rimmed and blood-shot, his skin pale and his lips look like he bit down on them too often.
“Jesus, Jen, what's up?” Jared blurts out with worry, grabbing Jensen's upper arms.
For the first time since he got here, Jensen fully looks at Jared, and Jared winces with sympathy when he sees the battle Jensen is fighting with himself. Jared only gets a second's warning of Jensen's lip trembling before he breaks out into tears.
Jared kicks the door shut with one foot before he unceremoniously wraps his arms around Jensen and holds him as tight as he dares.
“She knows,” Jensen manages to wring out between sobs against Jared's shoulder.
“Danni?” Jared asks, his fingers carding through the hair on the back of Jensen's head. He's due for another haircut, it’s getting too long.
Jensen just nods and buries his head in the crook of Jared's neck, and Jared feels hot tears trail down his collarbone. Tucked in the way he is makes it easy for Jared to rest his chin on top of Jensen's head, take a deep breath and smell Jensen's cologne, the shampoo he uses - he's back to the fancy Lush stuff they discovered in Europe, the shampoo that smells of seaweed and salt - and he feels Jensen shake in his arms.
After a few minutes of standing there with Jared carding his fingers gently through Jensen's hair and his other hand rubbing soothing circles over the small of his back, Jensen sniffles. The tears stopped, but he's still holding on tightly with both arms around Jared's waist.
“Come in and tell me what happened?” Jared asks softly.
Jensen nods against his shoulder, then pulls back to slip off his jacket and shoes.
“Coffee?” Jared offers.
“Yes, please,” Jensen croaks, his voice rough from crying.
Jared tries his hardest not to think while he makes two cappuccinos with Gen's new fully automated coffee machine and dumps two Stevia tablets in Jensen's cup.
When he gets to the living room with the two mugs in his hands, he sees Jensen sitting on the edge of the sofa, his face in his hands as if his life has just fallen down around him. Which it probably has.
The picture is oddly familiar. Jared probably looked like that, sitting on Misha's couch, all those months ago.
Jensen's hair is a mess from Jared's hands and his own, which are currently trying to smooth it down, and his eyes look even worse than when Jared met him at the door.
He accepts the mug with a lousy attempt at a smile and a whispered, “Thanks,” and doesn't even ask if Jared already sweetened it. He knows, because Jared always makes his coffee like that.
Jared sits down next to him, far enough to give Jensen some space, but their knees are touching. He waits for Jensen to drink down half his mug in silence, and gives him all the time he needs.
When Jensen does start to talk, it's not what Jared expected to hear.
He inhales deeply, sighs, and asks, “When and why did you finally decide to tell me?”
Jared can't help but smile to himself at the memory. “On that church tower in that little German town,” he says. “The day before I told you.”
“Why there?” Jensen frowns, confused.
“You know I never suffered from vertigo. But when we stood up there and the tower swayed and I looked down at the ground, I was suddenly sick. And you were right beside me, protecting me. I thought it was so obvious in that moment.”
“What was obvious?” Jensen chases, looking even more confused.
“My situation. It didn't matter how and why I ended up on top of that tower. It didn't matter if it was my fault or not, but I was up there and I had to deal with it, had to get down somehow. And I could always take the easy way out, walk down the stairs like nothing happened, but I could also - metaphorically - jump down the tower, and the ride would be exhilarating and great and I'd make a hard landing. It wouldn't be easy to work up the courage to do it, but it would be gratifying in the end.”
Jensen looks at him for a long time, obviously turning his words over in his head.
“So instead of taking the easy way out, you decided to jump. Metaphorically,” Jensen summarizes.
“Yes. And it's been worth it already, because I can live my life again. God knows it's been a hard landing, but I don't need to lie to myself or to a wife that I'd only feel guilty towards and a best friend that's none the wiser. I know it was selfish pulling you all down with me, but I also knew that as long as you were there, we would make it through this.”
Jensen nods and hums.
Jared lets him ponder in silence, watches Jensen's hands - thick fingers that run around the edge and handle of the cup, dexterous fingers that he's seen coax the most wonderful melodies out of a guitar before.
“You know,” Jensen eventually continues quietly, “I didn't tell Danni. She put two and two together.”
Jared raises an eyebrow. “Are you sure Gen didn't tell her either?”
“Pretty much, yeah,” Jensen clears his throat and looks thoughtfully at Jared. “She said she already felt that something happened to you after the accident. Said there was some kind of shift between you and me, something even I honestly didn't pick up on. And then came your divorce and our trip to Europe and I thought about what you said so much after we came back. I guess that was another clue.”
“So, what happened?”
“When we came back from Germany, I hadn't seen her for weeks and yet I couldn't... I couldn't sleep with her. It just... didn't work, physically. And yes, obviously these things happen, but it didn't just happen once or twice. She asked me if there was something wrong and I almost said 'So much, you have no idea', but instead I lied and she knows me too well to not notice. So that's where we started fighting,” Jensen sniffs and takes a sip from his coffee, then runs his hand over his face.
When he shifts to sit against the back rest, Jared turns towards him, one elbow propped up so he can properly watch Jensen. His expression is pained, his eyes glassy, and Jared quickly wraps his arm around his shoulders to squeeze him.
He doesn't retrieve his hand and instead starts stroking Jensen's shoulder.
After a few moments, Jensen continues quietly. “Danni said something, I don't know, something about the way you act towards me, like you're in love with me, and I just yelled back, 'Well he is'. Which prompted the whole conversation about how this happened and since when I knew and... she asked if I felt the same for you-”
Jensen takes a deep breath and Jared's heart promptly skips a beat, then starts to race in his chest. He doesn't dare hope and he doesn't dare breathe for fear of ruining this moment.
“- and all I could say was that I didn't know.”
When Jensen actually says it, Jared's feelings are a mess on a roller coaster ride. This could mean everything and nothing, but then again, Jared is not selfish enough to not see how this situation is about everything but that question.
“And how did she react?” Jared asks, trying to sound as neutral as possible.
“She asked if I loved her, and I said yes. She asked if I loved her more than you and I told her that it's totally different between the two of you, you know, like platonic and romantic love and that. Then she gave me a strange look and told me that was because the platonic love was the one I felt for her. Seems like she has already thought about that for a while, or at least felt it for a while.”
Jared shakes his head and tries to process all this information. “Have you been drifting apart or...?”
Jensen nods. “For a while now. I thought I could fix it, you know, this hiatus. She's always up in Vancouver and you know how that feels, I don't need to tell you. I feel like it was a matter of time until this happened.”
“Why? You made it work for years during Supernatural,” Jared throws in.
“Because we still had dedication back then. That's what Danni called it, and that's what’s missing now. Because I'm sitting here in L.A., living a good life, and seriously thinking that you're--” he breaks off abruptly, shaking his head to dismiss the thought.
Jared isn't fooled like that, though. “That I'm what?”
“Jay,” Jensen begs with pleading, big eyes.
“No, please, tell me,” Jared begs right back and accompanies it with an encouraging stroke to Jensen's shoulders. “You know you can tell me anything.”
“I know, but-” Jensen grimaces, takes his cup of coffee to drain it in one go, then inhales deeply. “I meant I'm here and thinking that you're a better partner to have a family and raise my kids with than my wife who's nine months out of twelve away somewhere in the world, working.”
Jared swallows heavily. “I know what you mean,” he sighs.
“Of course you do. And that's why things have developed between us the way they have. I know it's not fair and hypocritical to think like that, but I can't help it.”
Jared presses his eyes shut, doesn't dare to believe for a second that the words truly mean what they imply. Jensen can't mean that Jared's feelings are reciprocated. Jensen is currently upset and saying impulsive stuff, Jared reminds himself.
“So, how did you part? On what terms?” he asks instead.
“She said she wanted a divorce. Well, it was more of a mutual thing, but she said all the things I didn't dare say.”
Jared bites his tongue, because he's supposed to say 'Shit' and console his friend, but he wants to say 'Thank God' and kiss the man he loves. He also has a 'Sorry, please don't expect me to actually feel sorry about it' on the tip of his tongue, which would just be rude.
He doesn't say or do any of that.
“If you need a place to stay, you're welcome to stay here,” is what Jared goes with eventually.
“Yeah, I'd actually appreciate that.”
The point is, Jensen didn't even need to bring clothes. He has his closet in the guest room, with enough clothes and underwear to last him for three weeks.
“Goes without saying,” Jared shrugs with a comforting smile, then pulls Jensen into another tight hug.
They sit awkwardly curled into each other on the couch, Jared folded like a pretzel and his knee jabbing into Jensen's side and Jensen's hand squashed against the backrest. Still, Jared hasn't felt as good as he does now in months, and he can't help the elated, happy smile spreading on his lips.
Jensen will be officially single some time soon.
Jensen couldn't tell Danneel if he loved her more than Jared.
Jensen thinks that something developed between them.
Jensen might live with him now.
Jensen is here, warm and fitting perfectly into his arms and Jared doesn't want to let him go ever again.
The little voice in Jared's head that tells him that Jensen might find his own place, might not have meant the words he said the way Jared understood them, might not want to date for a while after the divorce - that voice gets quickly shoved way into the back of Jared's head.
When he pulls back from the hug, the weirdest thing happens.
Jensen's eyes are still glassy, but somehow different than before, and fixed on Jared's lips. Suddenly feeling self-conscious, Jared licks over his bottom lip, then realizes how sexually suggestive that move just was. He closes his eyes for just a moment to get his mind out of the gutter, but when he opens them, it seems like Jensen has leaned in closer to him. Jensen's lips are slightly parted and look plush and full and the sore spots from being bit taunt Jared to lean in and kiss them better.
Jensen doesn't pull back. His mouth is barely an inch away from Jared's, their noses are almost touching, and Jared wants nothing more in this world than to meet Jensen halfway and kiss him senseless. Especially when Jensen licks his lips, too, making them shiny and even more inviting.
However, Jensen has just been left by his wife. Jensen is vulnerable, and it would be one hell of a dick move to take advantage of him now. At the realization, Jared pulls back from the embrace as subtly as possible and pretends to not have noticed that Jensen was about to kiss him right there.
“Jare?” Jensen asks, confusion and something like disappointment in the simple call of his name.
“Yeah?” Jared responds, his voice shot to hell. Jesus, he needs to practice his self-control.
Jensen bites his lips again, looking like he's about to call Jared out on what he just did. It takes him a few agonizingly long seconds but in the end, he just sighs. “Can I have another coffee?”
“Of course,” Jared grabs his empty mug and Jensen's and flees from the room, afraid he might do something really regrettable and stupid if he stays one more minute in Jensen's presence.
Holy shit, Jensen just almost kissed him.
“Just make it a drip this time,” Jensen shouts after him.
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