Curse you Finnegan, curse youuuuuuuu

[namesmeannothin]

I'm about to be in one of my ruts I think. I don't see anything good happening in the next couple of months. It's possible I'll get a job then but even if I do it'll just be some job I don't want. I didn't even use to care about that, but now that I know there's a career out there I want it matters. It's one of the only two things I guess that does

Comments

[xtremeteatime]

I agree. But I'd rather make a slightly risky bet that me changing will change my life than make a sure bet that my life will keep sucking if I don't do anything about it.

I've talked to my therapist and my friend who does a different kind of counseling, called Constructive Living, about the idea of manifesting certain things in your life by how you look at people and situations. For example, I love my job at Books A Million even though I hate a lot of things about working retail simply because I've been kind of depressed and miserable lately, but when I have to act happy for each customer and smile and tell them I'm having a nice day, I find that I actually end up happy and haivng a nice day by DOING happy. Or the idea that someone is to you only how you think about them-- that love or dislike or disdain or appreciation in its different forms are a decision, often unconcious, but nonetheless a decision.

It's like dressing for the job you want instead of the job you have-- you have to be the person who has the life you want and the job, the right girlfriend, the right city...it'll fall into place.

[namesmeannothin]

Although I'm a pretty big advocate against self-fulfilling prophecies, I'm pretty much aware of how they work and when my negativity is against me. I also have days that by all rights are good days and that I should be happy about and still be inexplicably unhappy.

The bottom line is unlike a lot of people I'm pretty well in touch with myself. I spend a lot of time keeping the cobwebs out of my brain and although that can ultimately be unhelpful in its own right, that positive manifestation of a positive attitude shit just doesn't work on me. I know what I want. I know how close I am to it (not close). That puts me into a bad headspace when I'm on my own and since that's fairly often, that's just how it is. When I'm out socializing or looking for jobs, I'm the same guy. So really, no, I'm not hurting myself. I'm trying to put in the work that'll get me to where I'm going but it's going to be slow. I have my couple of contacts in my industry that are encouraging and keeping an eye out, but I don't have the credentials yet. I'd like to do the relationship thing and have it all be lovely and happy, but to date that just hasn't been a thing that was happening. There are my goals are nice and wrapped up. No prospects, no job offers, no interviews. Nothing. Yes, I have a place to stay and an education, my life is not shit. It isn't good either. It won't be for a while, I know this.

I can either wake up every day hoping it will be the day things look up, and rollercoaster that shit, or I can just think that every day's gonna be shit and then I'm not surprised. Hope isn't something I have unlimited of, I'm not a terribly positive guy. I save it for when it is potentially the most relevant. And to that end, there isn't something that I'd like to change that is in my hands, and that's what it always comes down to. When there's something I really want, I usually do not get it. Welcome to life.

[xtremeteatime]

You're still looking at external things you can change to make things work out the way you want, like credentials. I'm talking about things in you that hamper your success. Like earlier in the summer when you told me how you weren't getting as much done as you wanted because there was all this other stuff going on. You know? You've always been easily distracted. A thing about you that can change that will affect outcomes. For example.