飛行と落下
You ever feel like nothing you do ever has or will matter? Like you are trying and trying but at your very best all you ever get to be is mediocre.
This is all a stupid, childish, emo line of thinking, but it is the state of my brain today, so I'm trying to write it out. Maybe it's more than today, I dunno. Maybe this is just the state of who I have become now.
I just feel like the crappy spot I'm in professionally will never change because between funding cuts and the general way of things, the little bit of a position I have has probably proved unnecessary. The othee thing I applied for got cut. The opening I am considering is not my ideal, but is a better position as far as benefits and honestly immediate job satisfaction because I will have things to do to pass the day...but it feels like giving up. Everything feels like giving up.
I am starting to think that I will not go back to school, at least not for the degree I want. I don't even know what I want anymore. I want to do art and I want to do theater and I don't really see myself advancing in either of them. But if not those then I should just resign myself to the position I want/don't want and live with it.
We've talked about me applying for this dream job in Texas. Working for a few weeks then traveling home. I don't know that it will work. I don't think I would be hired in the first place, but if I was, what would really happen once I start traveling? What would happen once we start changing..we already changed.
Thoughts, the same that sent me to tears on the kitchen floor of my beautiful, top floor, bay view apartment in Norfolk and eventually sent me home. A life meant to change us and I freeze in fear of the change. The wrinkle in my forehead deepens, the gray in my hair multiplies, my life ticks away while I do nothing but snuggle into these mountains because I am afraid of what might change me and terrified of failure. So in the end I will fail. Because I will stay, always stay. In the mountains that I love - wondering if it is love for the mountains or just Stockholm syndrome.
This is all a stupid, childish, emo line of thinking, but it is the state of my brain today, so I'm trying to write it out. Maybe it's more than today, I dunno. Maybe this is just the state of who I have become now.
I just feel like the crappy spot I'm in professionally will never change because between funding cuts and the general way of things, the little bit of a position I have has probably proved unnecessary. The othee thing I applied for got cut. The opening I am considering is not my ideal, but is a better position as far as benefits and honestly immediate job satisfaction because I will have things to do to pass the day...but it feels like giving up. Everything feels like giving up.
I am starting to think that I will not go back to school, at least not for the degree I want. I don't even know what I want anymore. I want to do art and I want to do theater and I don't really see myself advancing in either of them. But if not those then I should just resign myself to the position I want/don't want and live with it.
We've talked about me applying for this dream job in Texas. Working for a few weeks then traveling home. I don't know that it will work. I don't think I would be hired in the first place, but if I was, what would really happen once I start traveling? What would happen once we start changing..we already changed.
Thoughts, the same that sent me to tears on the kitchen floor of my beautiful, top floor, bay view apartment in Norfolk and eventually sent me home. A life meant to change us and I freeze in fear of the change. The wrinkle in my forehead deepens, the gray in my hair multiplies, my life ticks away while I do nothing but snuggle into these mountains because I am afraid of what might change me and terrified of failure. So in the end I will fail. Because I will stay, always stay. In the mountains that I love - wondering if it is love for the mountains or just Stockholm syndrome.