Wow, transparent dream is transparent. -paul -richard
I had a dream last night that I was at Richard's and we were doing good. Just hanging out and enjoying myself with him, having fun. Then someone dies and in their will, they will give me thousands of dollars, but what I have to do is stick around and make the family happy. I would have to visit and be their friend, talk about their issues and help them fix them to become happier people. When they agree that they are all happy, I get my money. Some of the people are complete and utter asshats, jackasses, and bitches to me. Teasing me and walking away when I try to do my duty to them, being assholes, disappearing in secret passages so that I do not know where they are, when this happens another person shows up. In one or two instances I had been tring to do something private(Go to the fucking bathroom) when someone starts coming in the area I am and I try to get to another location to avoid them only to run into someone else. More relatives show up all the time, some are not that bad, but most are miserable excuses for human beings. I've had enough by this point, I say forget the fucking money, it's not worth it, I want to walk away. Then I start bitching about how I can't leave the house. This was actually a big complex-like arrangement that looked like a really big warehouse but with the usual household type things built therein being separated by lots and lots of walls and passages, like a large communal bathroom with tons of stalls and a little kitchen area. So I'm trapped in this large building with all of these people who either do not want my help or act like jerks when I try and making it hard on me, I can not leave, I'm not happy about that at all.
Synopsis:
So yeah, trying and trying to make someone happy only for that someone to not make it easy on me. Disappearing into themselves. Good bits on occasion but mostly bad bits. Trying to give myself relief only for yet more to crop up to not allow it. Not just dealing with one person but having to deal with many peoples shit. Not allowed to be happy until everyone else is. And the last one, being trapped there untill everyone is happy but they are all miserable, there are so many of them and most of them either do not want help or just want to keep me from getting the money out of spite, also making them an unhappy individual if they have to get their jollies that way.
.>_< Long Cat is Long and Transparent Dream is Transparent. It's not often that I have a dream with a message. They are usually just for my own entertainment so it is very unusual for my issues to surface in them. Dammit, I have to deal with this crap while I'm awake, I do not feel that it helps at all to have to deal with it while asleep as well, especially seeing as I KNOW THE ISSUE and do not need a dream to tell me that it is bothering me.
In the meantime Paul wants more of a paragraph on himself. Hello Ego. :) Apparently my last little thing was too short and not enough him and wants to have more ego stroking.
What more can I say really say. He is awesome to hang out with and be around. He's very giving with me and wants to do things that make me happy and buy me clothes that he thinks that I would look good in, just because he thinks that I would look good in them and would like them, not the way that Richard does(on those rare rare occasions that he's gotten me something) Richard acts like because he was sweet that he deserves a pat on the head and sheer worship for what he has done, while I appreciate what he did, the fact that he's fishing for complements on what a good boy he was and that stuff is a quite a bit much. Paul doesn't have to try to be sweet to me. He doesn't whine at me he doesn't nag me. He has self confidence, which is sexy. It's not a constant battle to keep his mood. He has a sense of humor that goes along with mine. Apparently he is called an Ass all the time by people but I haven't seen it, he says that I have and gave an example of one situation where we were recently and what he would have been called an ass for. I still saw it not. Apparently, his level of asshol-itry is not at all assholish to me. So our temperament matches pretty well. I think he is funny as a matter a fact. Although I may have a little suppressed mean streak and tend to be too direct for people, which may be why I do not think that what he did was bad at all and why I think that he's funny. Richard is an ass in more subtle, real ways. Paul seems to show a lot more automatic concern for me then Richard manages to, even when I lay down what Richard needs to be concerned about in regards to my safety. I like to make him laugh, I like the fact that me being me is worthy of amusement. This probably isn't completely what Paul wants but I'm keeping this PG and I'm really bad and this stuff. When I like someone, I just like them, what I like about them is what makes them, them. The only time I can even come up with little aspects of them is when they have an annoying character trait that pulls my attention to it because I see it. I managed to write this out by thinking of ways in which Richard's behavior sucks and Paul's does not.
That being said, I feel pretty damn guilty of this whole thing and like a horrible, horrible, girlfriend. I love Richard, I want to make him happy. I always try so hard to make my friends and boyfriends happy, sometimes at my own expense. I do have a loyalty to him and do feel protective of him as well as a defensive when someone crosses the line to hostility towards him or just plain cruel comments. I just haven't been happy for a long time, not truly and I am enjoying myself and my company right now, for the first time in a long time. It is not a constant battle or my always trying to keep the peace by just not speaking my mind, or by not being me. Richard promises all this change and he'll be better and honestly, he really is trying. He's making an effort to stop smoking and he's saving money(or trying I guess), he's trying very hard. I just can't shake the idea that it's going to go straight back to to same shit once he gets me back to himself and we settle down. He's trying right now because he has to to be with me and he's tring to go "look! look here! I'm worth keeping! Look how good I'm doing! It's for you! I'm doing it all for you! Not me! Isn't that great huh!?!" ...I don't want him to do it for me, I want him to do it for himself, I want to see him be an adult for himself, I want to see him leave the miserable cesspool of human existence in that house for himself. It really bothers me that with as many promises ass he made me and with as many fights about it that we've had, and with him being miserable in that house and watching me be miserable, knowing it and wanting me to stay. It took all of this and the idea that he's going to loose me right now if he doesn't keep his end up to give him the motivation to do things that he should have been doing all along. I feel that once he gets in a place with me, his motivation to do something about shit and man up is going to go away again and I'm just going to have an overly sensitive, whiny, bitch of a big kid to deal with all over again.
Synopsis:
So yeah, trying and trying to make someone happy only for that someone to not make it easy on me. Disappearing into themselves. Good bits on occasion but mostly bad bits. Trying to give myself relief only for yet more to crop up to not allow it. Not just dealing with one person but having to deal with many peoples shit. Not allowed to be happy until everyone else is. And the last one, being trapped there untill everyone is happy but they are all miserable, there are so many of them and most of them either do not want help or just want to keep me from getting the money out of spite, also making them an unhappy individual if they have to get their jollies that way.
.>_< Long Cat is Long and Transparent Dream is Transparent. It's not often that I have a dream with a message. They are usually just for my own entertainment so it is very unusual for my issues to surface in them. Dammit, I have to deal with this crap while I'm awake, I do not feel that it helps at all to have to deal with it while asleep as well, especially seeing as I KNOW THE ISSUE and do not need a dream to tell me that it is bothering me.
In the meantime Paul wants more of a paragraph on himself. Hello Ego. :) Apparently my last little thing was too short and not enough him and wants to have more ego stroking.
What more can I say really say. He is awesome to hang out with and be around. He's very giving with me and wants to do things that make me happy and buy me clothes that he thinks that I would look good in, just because he thinks that I would look good in them and would like them, not the way that Richard does(on those rare rare occasions that he's gotten me something) Richard acts like because he was sweet that he deserves a pat on the head and sheer worship for what he has done, while I appreciate what he did, the fact that he's fishing for complements on what a good boy he was and that stuff is a quite a bit much. Paul doesn't have to try to be sweet to me. He doesn't whine at me he doesn't nag me. He has self confidence, which is sexy. It's not a constant battle to keep his mood. He has a sense of humor that goes along with mine. Apparently he is called an Ass all the time by people but I haven't seen it, he says that I have and gave an example of one situation where we were recently and what he would have been called an ass for. I still saw it not. Apparently, his level of asshol-itry is not at all assholish to me. So our temperament matches pretty well. I think he is funny as a matter a fact. Although I may have a little suppressed mean streak and tend to be too direct for people, which may be why I do not think that what he did was bad at all and why I think that he's funny. Richard is an ass in more subtle, real ways. Paul seems to show a lot more automatic concern for me then Richard manages to, even when I lay down what Richard needs to be concerned about in regards to my safety. I like to make him laugh, I like the fact that me being me is worthy of amusement. This probably isn't completely what Paul wants but I'm keeping this PG and I'm really bad and this stuff. When I like someone, I just like them, what I like about them is what makes them, them. The only time I can even come up with little aspects of them is when they have an annoying character trait that pulls my attention to it because I see it. I managed to write this out by thinking of ways in which Richard's behavior sucks and Paul's does not.
That being said, I feel pretty damn guilty of this whole thing and like a horrible, horrible, girlfriend. I love Richard, I want to make him happy. I always try so hard to make my friends and boyfriends happy, sometimes at my own expense. I do have a loyalty to him and do feel protective of him as well as a defensive when someone crosses the line to hostility towards him or just plain cruel comments. I just haven't been happy for a long time, not truly and I am enjoying myself and my company right now, for the first time in a long time. It is not a constant battle or my always trying to keep the peace by just not speaking my mind, or by not being me. Richard promises all this change and he'll be better and honestly, he really is trying. He's making an effort to stop smoking and he's saving money(or trying I guess), he's trying very hard. I just can't shake the idea that it's going to go straight back to to same shit once he gets me back to himself and we settle down. He's trying right now because he has to to be with me and he's tring to go "look! look here! I'm worth keeping! Look how good I'm doing! It's for you! I'm doing it all for you! Not me! Isn't that great huh!?!" ...I don't want him to do it for me, I want him to do it for himself, I want to see him be an adult for himself, I want to see him leave the miserable cesspool of human existence in that house for himself. It really bothers me that with as many promises ass he made me and with as many fights about it that we've had, and with him being miserable in that house and watching me be miserable, knowing it and wanting me to stay. It took all of this and the idea that he's going to loose me right now if he doesn't keep his end up to give him the motivation to do things that he should have been doing all along. I feel that once he gets in a place with me, his motivation to do something about shit and man up is going to go away again and I'm just going to have an overly sensitive, whiny, bitch of a big kid to deal with all over again.