I need to keep a more organized journal when I bitch.
I've been clearing out my HD from my old computer. The one I've had for years, and the entire time I was with Richard. I've been deleting the windows install and other crap because we have it hooked to our main and I'm installing my games to it. I plan to install 7 later when I put it back into Wilson. I've been finding little notes Richard left me, and I just found one argument that we had. Often I would get pissed off or discover something when he wasn't there and I'd write it all out for him to read when he got home or I'd have to go to work before I'd see him again. It doesn't really matter what is was about but I still can't believe I stayed in that emotionally manipulative and abusive relationship for so long. Or I can, I now understand how someone gets trapped in these horrible abusive relationships, make excuses and stay. I don't mean to say that I think that I had it as bad as a physically abusive relationship, and feel bad even comparing myself to that, but I do understand now where I just couldn't before. I did love him, still do, but I should have gotten out long before, there were signs everywhere, right from the start. I didn't even remember the incident that the letter was about until just then, I'd forgotten it. I was no longer angry about it. It was a really big deal at the time, would have been for any relationship. He was leading on a girl he met at the store down the road, only thing stopping him from that relationship was the one he had with me "blah blah blah", he was emotionally cheating and telling her lies about me and the awful relationship problems that I created and his sweet self was just doing his best and was completely innocent of course. >_>
At any rate, I was debating on whether to keep this or not. On the one hand, I do not want to forget these things. I don't want to forget what I went through. It's what helped me grow. I know that that is cheesy as fuck and sometimes people tell that to abuse victims(seriously wtf?) but I did come out as a better person. I grew up a lot. I think of it as tempering a sword. However, it's healthy for this stuff to fade away and people often see the past bad shit in a softened way, all those jagged edges of pain are now windblown eroded hills with a slight rose hue, we move on and we heal. I want to forgive him, and I believe I have for ...most of it. Apparently it's still a sore spot, but I do not want to forget these pains I went through, even though I now have someone who wipes them all away. I want to remember what I learned from. Standing back now, I'm going on about what an idiot I was. I want to forgive him, but at the same time I kinda don't if it means that I forget this shit entirely. I want to remember what he did to me. I want to remember all the signs that I couldn't see from close up, and the ones I did see, but it was by then too late and I was trapped, but can I heal completely holding on to this stuff? Do I want to?
At any rate, I was debating on whether to keep this or not. On the one hand, I do not want to forget these things. I don't want to forget what I went through. It's what helped me grow. I know that that is cheesy as fuck and sometimes people tell that to abuse victims(seriously wtf?) but I did come out as a better person. I grew up a lot. I think of it as tempering a sword. However, it's healthy for this stuff to fade away and people often see the past bad shit in a softened way, all those jagged edges of pain are now windblown eroded hills with a slight rose hue, we move on and we heal. I want to forgive him, and I believe I have for ...most of it. Apparently it's still a sore spot, but I do not want to forget these pains I went through, even though I now have someone who wipes them all away. I want to remember what I learned from. Standing back now, I'm going on about what an idiot I was. I want to forgive him, but at the same time I kinda don't if it means that I forget this shit entirely. I want to remember what he did to me. I want to remember all the signs that I couldn't see from close up, and the ones I did see, but it was by then too late and I was trapped, but can I heal completely holding on to this stuff? Do I want to?